How Does GOOPY Do It?
Don't you constantly ask yourself every single day how esteemed actress/lifestyle deity/country music superstar/perfect mother/10-star gourmet chef/fashion icon/insufferable cunt snob Gwyneth Paltrow does it? Fishsticks somehow manages to successfully conquer a morning filled with: getting Nectarine and Torah to school, feeding her soul to the serpent beast that is Tracy Anderson, picking out the perfect $200 tea towels to go in the service kitchen, yelling at the east wing maid for starching the robe given to her by the Dalai Lama, recording a country song that will debut at #1 as soon as she puts her breath on the mic and writing a soon-to-be award-winning piece for GOOP. And she does all of this while her head is shoved up her ass! Clap. Clap. Clap.
I thought my mornings were hectic and all I have to do is Fabreze the pee spot I left on my bed and wipe the dried-up tears off my face with a Clorox Wipe.
In this week's edition of Perfect Rich White Woman Weekly, Fishsticks and two of her friends (Juliet de Baubigny and Stella McCartney) document a day in the life of a working mother. Yup, THIS BITCH just doesn't know. You can read the entire mess over at GOOP, but here's a few dingles. Read it while farting out the chorus to "I'm Every Woman."
Got Apple all fed and dressed in her uniform and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning.When all was well I dodged off as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time.
Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses.
At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad, their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshop cookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook).
The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey's room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night.
Fishy also lists a few tips for saving time which include:
1. Schedule your time well. When I know what I am doing from hour to hour I get more done. Write it all in the day’s calendar, what you want to accomplish and in what time frame.3. I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday. Obviously stores and websites that deliver make this a dream. In London I use Ocado. Also James Knight, my favorite fishmonger, will deliver. Having all of the ingredients means I'm prepared even when I don't think I am.
4. I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep. When it’s quiet I can check the "kid list" for show and tell items to bring in, consent forms, ballet kit, etc, so that the morning is less of a scramble.
But Fishy missed a very important tip: Make sure you come flying out of a wealthy lady's vagina at birth (or marry a millionaire), so that later on in life you can hire a team of nannies to take care of your kids while you write ALL THESE FUCKING LISTS OUT.
And it's a real shame that working mothers can't read Fishy's pearls of wisdom since they are too busy working a fucking second job to put generic peanut butter on the table.
• 
"And it's a real shame that working mothers can't read Fishy's pearls of wisdom since they are too busy working a fucking second job to put generic peanut butter on the table."
AFUCKINGMEN. BitchPLEEASE.
Hey Gwinne - why don'tcha pick up a fucking DICKtionary and look up the meaning of AROUSED.
DUMB BITCH!
AROUSING is what you SHOULD be doing to your husband, NOT your child.
*replayed ending scene from Se7en on loop*
I know. The "What up, gamers!" made me want to bash her over the head with an Xbox.
She went upstairs to "arouse" her son? I hope she meant "rouse" - dumb fuck.
Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:57pm.
Submitted by mcnightmare on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:56pm.
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
...(I live in Oakland) ...
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! You me and Koko are all in the Bay Area!!! WATCH OUT!
****
Aw! Home!
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Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a "fuck you". - Cee-lo Green
Really Gwyndodo? Wow you are amazing.
1:30pm - off to the Fishy Wiggly to get some lunch.
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they took their relationship from "May I borrow some sugar?" to "May I lick sugar off your ass crack?" - MK
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
iPad game crack = Angry Birds.
I played the shit out of that game Christmas Day.
Beat the entire fucking game in 3 hours.
*twitching*
Good God is she amazing!! what a fucking bitch for real....who gives a fuck about you you no talent fake ass cunt! I despise her more and more each day...and really would like to quit hating her but she posts shit like this...and I have no choice...she is a pretentious bitch...poor Chris, lucky Brad...and poor world for having to deal with thist trifling ho.
OMG!! LMMFAO @ this whole thread!!! Ahahahaaa *wiping tears*
What kid doesn't love brown rice and flax seed oil?? Oh and Gwennie, judging from those broken raggedy ass flyaways, maybe you should consider not multi-tasking while you condition. Twat.
Forgive me if someone else already pointed this out, but 'arose' her son ' instead of 'rouse'? Why doesn't she know how to use language appropriately? Her other post was about 'moans of pleasure fo$m her dad! Weird. And, maybe she couldn't find her son 'cause he was in the can due to all the flax she feeds him! Fuck!
Submitted by Crystal Lynn on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:56pm.
Where's your husband, bitch?
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LOL@this question of the day. And the best part? The ONLY answer we've gotten so far is that he's at Kate Bosworth's house.
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
I hate this pretentious cunt so badly.
*************
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
— William Goldman
Love how she whips a list of basic advice that even a 10 year old could write, into a 10 page Nigella Lawson-y cloud of bullshit. She's basically advising us to use a diary, shop at the supermarket if you want to not have to shop the next day and prepare things out before going to bed. Genius!
Submitted by mcnightmare on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:56pm.
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
...(I live in Oakland) ...
____________________________________
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! You me and Koko are all in the Bay Area!!! WATCH OUT!
Submitted by Mother Superior on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:44pm.
her organic carrot vibrator had decomposed.
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ROLMAO
that mental picture is fantastic.
i do not know why but i think Chris' dick must look like a rotten dried up carrot too, and that's why they probably don't do it much. I have always had a hard time picturing Fishy getting sexy with anyone to the point I think her children where conceived in vitro...by appointment of course.
they took their relationship from "May I borrow some sugar?" to "May I lick sugar off your ass crack?" - MK
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Koko- speaking of ancient vibrators, I got a magazine in the mail this weekend, it's like the Skymall, but not, anywhore, they were advertising the neck massager, the "wand" I nearly pissed myself laughing because there is NO WOMAN out there that will buy it for a NECK MASSAGE!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAAH!!!
*reports self*
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
...(I live in Oakland) ...
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me, too. http://www.reverbnation.com/alisoncecilejohns
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http://alisoncecilejohns.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/pomloplum?feature=mhum
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:52pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
When does she find time to masturbate? The answer I must know.
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If (and I highly doubt she does)
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That's a shame. You know the ole saying "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? I think this is a direct correlation to momma rubbin one out.
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"I will re-name jackhat, PantyClaus." 12/16/10 BRADIFUL BITCH
Where's your husband, bitch?
Does she get it? I mean, does she GET it?? Sometimes I have to wonder if this is an act, and she knows she's playing this role, bc it is beyond comprehension. Man, Goopy normally brings the snark out of MK, but this one really set him off!!
Seems my instand conditioner (Herbal Essance Long Term Relationship) does a better job than whateverthefuckexpensivetreatments this bitch uses.
Oh, wait......I eat a balanced diet that includes FAT and I don't work out for 5 hours a day.
┌П┐(◣_◢)┌П┐
Let me just say, I respect the shit out of real parents...not the Camille Grammers who have two nannies per child. From reading the daily goings-on of a bunch of you guys, let me just say that you guys are badasses. In all seriousness, I'm really in awe by people who juggle child-raising, managing a home, sports classes/games/meets, working ANOTHER full-time job, or going to school, etc.
Mad props yo.
Oh my god, I just saw the "what up, gamers" written without a trace of irony.
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Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a "fuck you". - Cee-lo Green
SHUT UP, GWYNNIE!
(kiss this)--------------------------->>> (_!_)
OMG!!!!! Brad Pitt had SUCH a lucky escape!! Oh wait...
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
When does she find time to masturbate? The answer I must know.
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If (and I highly doubt she does) masturbates I imagine her going to an old timey Dr. who would prescribe her one of those gigantic 19th century vibrators that they used to advertise in the Sears catalog and prescribed for "hysteria" and "anxiety".
Knowledge of her b.o. was NOT something I needed in my life today. Only a bitch with no real problems would write a whole article about her day and think to mention her goddamn b.o. That she got TRYING ON DESIGNER DRESSES. It makes me want to throw myself out of a tenth story window, preferably onto the hood of her Bentley.
Also, have cried with laughter reading this thread, you hilarious, bitter cunts you!
Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:37pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:29pm.
Submitted by Cowjam: "She left out: "Call Kate Bosworth to remind Chris to take his morning lemon flax oil"
OH SNAP!!!!
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BWWAAAAHAAAAHAHHAAHAHHAAA!!!!
It's not what you think, though. Gwynnie has simply outsourced her wifely duties to Kate. It's a timesaver.
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LMAO!
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
When did Goop and her equally pretentious twat of a husband get divorced? I don't really her mentioning him while regaling her with the daily details of her terribly strenuous life.
Christ! I barely got thru that first part before I wanted to throw the goddamn computer at the wall! If I didn't think she was a pretentious twat before, I certainly do now. "I went up to arouse the little man from slumber" - *bangs head*
Yeah, um, who's taking care of the kids when she runs off for "girls' night out"? Who takes care of the house while she's exercising and having dress fittings?
Bitch, you are so out of touch, it's unbe-fucking-liveable.
**********
"God only gives you one balloonknot, be nice to it." - Raul Duke
Her day has a lot of holes in it. Let's say she's done with her workout at 10, and is done with her luxurious shower at 10:30. From 10:30-1, she's doing nothing. Then from 2-4, she's doing nothing again. And if that stylist wasn't coming, she'd be doing nothing from 10:30-4. Wait, she has a weekly meeting at 4. The rest of the week, it's nothing. I doubt she cooks her own food, and even if she did, I'm sure the staff is there to help her prep and clean up. She doesn't even take or pick up her kids to school. Wow, real busy, aren't we? Her whole day is workout, then nothing, then girls night out. And I can't stand when she gives food advice. I don't need food advise from a bitch who's diet has given her brittle bones and osteoporosis.
Submitted by daisy100 on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:34am.
I want to punch her in the face while pulling her hair, combine activities, save time
hahahaha
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
When does she find time to masturbate? The answer I must know.
_____________________________________________
I doubt she knows what that is, Jack. And even if she does, she never really got round to it because by the time she was crossing off the last item on the do-yourself-to-do-list, her organic carrot vibrator had decomposed.
it is easy for her she has the cooks make breakfast. She wakes the kids up and hands them off to the nannies. I bet the nannies drop off the kids at school. While she does yoga and eat flax seed all day long. She does not have the "normal" life.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:41pm.
When does she find time to masturbate? The answer I must know.
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In the next edition of Goop, she will launch her line of organic vibrators.
Submitted by You_Complete_Me. on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:27pm.
Re Paltrow & her army of super-achieving working mums: These people are positively delusional and so NOT in control of their lives, ironically. Her Juliet de Boobigny sidekick (featured in the blog as well) is surely a couscous grain away from full mental breakdown.
Take a gander & tell me this isn't the product of a deep-fried brain:
"Sunday nights: Always, always family dinner. It's super fun now that the children are older. We do everything together—we plan the menu, often going to the farmer's market the day before, prepare the food, set the table, cook together and clean up. It's our ritual. After the children are in bed, I print out the family calendar for the week. It has all the activities and schedule, and I put it in on the board in the kitchen so that everyone knows who is where and where they are supposed to be!"
Those poor little unfortunate fucks (her progeny...)
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Who do these bitches think they're fooling?? She left out the part about the morning pill poppin' to make it through another day of faked perfection or how she weeps quietly in a corner every single night. That's right after she sexts her ex-boyfriend for the 5th time that day.
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
Submitted by SpiceDong on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:37pm.
Me thinks Chris tells Gwyneth, "Please leave me out of your GOOPY bullshit, alright. It's bad enough that I have to hear you talk about it during sex."
I'm a lot like Gwen (may I call her that?) because, just this morning, I aroused my little man from slumber, too.
. . . . . . .
Cause you feel like paradise
And I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
(Marcel Proust)
When does she find time to masturbate? The answer I must know.
_____________________________________________
"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"I will re-name jackhat, PantyClaus." 12/16/10 BRADIFUL BITCH
Submitted by mcnightmare on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:35pm.
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:53am.
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I just meant more that she is completely unrelatable and would not be able to sell her organic message...It always infuriates me (I live in Oakland) when I hear about the neighborhoods that don't have even a basic grocery store...
Where is her husband? My man would make my list. Either to rag him out or have sex with him, but he would at least be on my list.
Wow. The person who gave GOOP the subtitle "Learn From Me, Lowly Peasant" was REALLY spot on, wasn't he? Paltrow doesn't even register that her Marie Antoinette bullshit is totally offensive to the millions of mothers out there trying to keep their heads above water while working two minimum wage jobs.
GAG. No mention of Chris again. He must be frozen around the house somewhere to her icy cold chill. Gawd, how can she take herself seriously? Must be so hard to be Goopy, but she's so involved in her children's life.
Fuck her. I give it up for the moms who work long, hard hours, make dinner out of whatever they can find in their pantry, and try to put active kids to bed. Her shit read like some damn Goopy fairytale. She really is bullshit factory all on her own.
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:29pm.
Submitted by Cowjam: "She left out: "Call Kate Bosworth to remind Chris to take his morning lemon flax oil"
OH SNAP!!!!
________________________________________________________
BWWAAAAHAAAAHAHHAAHAHHAAA!!!!
It's not what you think, though. Gwynnie has simply outsourced her wifely duties to Kate. It's a timesaver.
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
Scheduling your life too much can lead to spontaneous hair breakage.
I haven't read all comments here yet, so bear with me with someone already pointed this out...but where the fuck does her husband fit into this bullshit schedule? She left him out of her day and night entirely...If that is not a huge glaring sign of the state of their marriage I don't know what is.
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they took their relationship from "May I borrow some sugar?" to "May I lick sugar off your ass crack?" - MK
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Wait- is she saying that her kid gives her a foot massage before he goes to sleep? LMAO
I like the no mention of any time with her husband, too. She's pretentious now, just imagine what it's going to be like when they announce the divorce and she is a SINGLE WORKING MOM!
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:53am.
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I would LOVE to see her lecture some inner city school with her thoughts on going organic and flax seed oil and fish-mongering and how it could turn their lives around etc. If they only knew the benefits of a high fiber gourmet bran muffin or a home made facial with organic blueberries, oatmeal and honey their lives could be better and "empowered" !!!! She would get shanked in 30-45 seconds.
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i doubt she would get shanked (but you were probably exaggerating). as someone who buys organic whenever i can afford it (especially things that are higher up the food chain, like meat and dairy) and who lives in the 'inner-city" i think this kind of information is welcome enough, as least in California - the question is how to afford it. because cutting chemicals and shit out of your diet is good for you - period.
there are community gardens and such in Oakland, and organizations that grow organic food and make it their mission to deliver it and make it affordable. everyone should be able to choose NOT to ingest poison. but in a lot of 'inner city" neighborhoods, there aren't even grocery stores. just liquor stores that might have an orange and some brown-ish iceberg lettuce.
i think Paltrow feels she must be a beacon, a representative of something, hence these prettied-up versions of her life. i think she's like most rich people - she has to put on a show in order to remain respectable. she can afford to be the hippie representative of the wealthy set because she will always be one of them, one of the beautiful people.
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http://alisoncecilejohns.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/pomloplum?feature=mhum
I don't find Paltrow nearly as annoying as I find, say, M.I.A. However, if this Goop post is any indication, she is off-the-charts pretentious. Actually, I kind of feel bad for her, as it seems like she's being ostentatious with her "perfection."