Next Up On Oprah's Book Club...
If Hemingway was locked in a tanning bed for 48 hours and then forced to write a novel on the back of a stained cocktail napkin from Karma while inhaling fumes from the house smoosh bed, it would read a lot like the excerpts from Snooki's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning work of fiction: A SHORE THING. The New York Post has the excerpts and it's everything we could've hoped for AND MORE:
"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.""Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
"Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."
"I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk."
"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
I'm pretty sure I've written that last one word for word on this blog before. Now I know what honor feels like. And I'm not going to pretend like I won't be reading Snooki's own "On the Road" this summer when I'm baking my nips on the roof of the Holiday Inn. Don't worry, I'll cover it with the jacket from a more respected novel. Like something by Jackie Collins. Or maybe I'll just wait for the movie version directed by Almodóvar and starring Penelope Cruz.
• 
That book cover should come with a .45 and some hollow points.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
As the Jersey Shore cast fist pumps, publishes books, apps, and clothing and screws anything that walks oblivious to anything but their own reflections it reminds me of the legend of Nero playing his violin as all of Rome burned to the ground around him. Definetly the end of civilization as others have pointed out.
Submitted by snideychick on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 10:03pm.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 9:59pm.
It still baffles me how someone like this could be so famous and make a ton of money.
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Your standards haven't lowered enough to believe that someone like that could be famous and make a ton of money.
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And that doesn't even matter...cuz you aren't the one with the money to throw around. Think about it...if the key to getting at money is to be impressive in this way - do you REALLY want to be impressive? Not really. It's much better to be a "loser" in this day and age.
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
Submitted by Tyroan on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 8:50pm.
The blame is on Palin for creating a whole new book genre: Ditz Lit
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Are you kidding? I'm still really fucking mad at Jewel. That's when I first really notice becuz WHO the fuck gets paid for writing a book of poetry EVER? And then this faintly talented wisp of an idjit comes along to tell her "slept in my van" story five million times and she gets a book deal? Reeeeeeeeeally now?
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 9:59pm.
It still baffles me how someone like this could be so famous and make a ton of money.
= = = = = =
Your standards haven't lowered enough to believe that someone like that could be famous and make a ton of money.
Submitted by badwolf on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 9:56pm.
You guys are on fire tonight. These comments are gold! Devolution, indeed.
Caprica, I hope to God you're wrong. Any of those Jersey Shore things shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. The thought makes me shudder.
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K, I removed my shit (hope I am wrong too) cause right after I posted that shit, I saw a conflicting site claiming rights to her shit story. More to come... fk!
eta; plus I downd a bottle of p.noir *continues research for the truth*
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“There is no use trying," said Alice, "one can’t believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen. "Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
It still baffles me how someone like this could be so famous and make a ton of money.
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and I'm not sorry, it's human nature.
-Madonna
i have a new rule, and i am just letting you know:
i will not read nor comment on posts about reality stars, except the beverly hills housewives.
i refuse to give this two bit pathetic busted-down sub-par intelligence loser any more publicity or contribute to the further proliferation of these shows.
they are too foul, and too fucking gladiator for me. never seen this show, never will. nor any of 'em, cept the beverlys.
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The McCanns Did It
The only thing about this whole thing that has made me feel a smidge better about all of this was seeing snooki on one of those extra/insider/entertainment tonight shows just now and homegirl is as wide as a beachball. her gut was popping out, buttons were bursting , chipmunk cheeks, and she was seriously as wide as she is tall. I feel a little better.
You guys are on fire tonight. These comments are gold! Devolution, indeed.
Caprica, I hope to God you're wrong. Any of those Jersey Shore things shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. The thought makes me shudder.
.
This creature, and this book mark the downfall of civilization as we know it.
Devolution, here we come.
The last one is comedy gold. This sounds like a really shitty tween chapter book.
Ok, combined drunken/high altered states each of us snarks are is no comparison to snook the pickled turd on a reg day.
TEAM POWER FLUSH ON 3...2...1...FLUSH!
Houston, we are a go.
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“There is no use trying," said Alice, "one can’t believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen. "Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
Suicide. After reading that it seems like a perfectly viable solution.
Thanks jerseygirl, I like my tequila belly-button lint free too.
Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:03pm.
I'm sure fresh gorilla is about as tasty as mayo.
Just sayin'.
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I hope you find it on your next Whopper!!!! *huah*
Submitted by KittenKatinCanada on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 8:18pm.
Saying prayer for humanity. *Sets Kindle on fire*
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lol, not the Kindle.
my skin is crawling, so i say they're showing too much of snooki on the cover....
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Just wait til your ball sack is jangling around your knees like santa's bells and your brows are meeting your eyelids -stolen from: Urfugginjokin on Holy Moly on 10/13/10
Submitted by Emeriesan on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 8:17pm.
I hate this turd, however Kudos to the graphic design team for hiding most of her.
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LOLZWUT!
hahaha damming with faint praise +1
.o.o.o.o.0.0.0.O.O.O.0.0.0.o.o.o.o.
Fakers are everywhere: http://tinyurl.com/2764l4z
sorry double post.
"each night I go to bed, I pray like Aretha Franklin"..Scritti Politti's "Wood Beez"
For reaons unknown (OK I"m drunk) this post is making me spit fire. I know so many really talented artists who can't find a legit outlet for their art/words/music, and they try so hard to get the message out. I wish only slow painful death, not on the clueless Snooki, but the people who pushed this shit on the public to make the almighty dollar. There's a place in Hell for you where they do NOTHING but show Jersey Shore for eternity. Don't say I didn't tell you.
"each night I go to bed, I pray like Aretha Franklin"..Scritti Politti's "Wood Beez"
The blame is on Palin for creating a whole new book genre: Ditz Lit
I like the modest "A Novel" under the title. That's to dissuade anyone who thought it might be a footnoted history of NJ or springtime sonnets.
I want to stuff this talentless twat with another talentless twat (Bieber), wrap that in some Heidi and Spencer, dose liberally in tar and barbed wire, and shoot the whole sorry business into the white-hot blazing SUN. And then I would laugh laugh laugh like Anne Heche off her meds.
Submitted by Einah Teb on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 8:29pm.
There's something to be said for unpretentious simplicity...
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You dug reeeeaaaaallll deep for that one, God love ya!
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
She is a LIE! I've danced my ass off many a night was never able to share a blast of ass b/c of my hoochiecoochie moves!!!
Submitted by Dolly_D on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 8:32pm.
After reading this I got strong suicidal urges much like the red-winged blackbirds of Arkansas.
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Perhaps the mass die-off has been solved (judging from the reactions here).
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The real life horror of Monsanto: David vs Monsanto
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E42ndfjnP1g
I'm going to have to go read some banned classics now, just to cleanse my palette from even seeing these insipid excerpts.
Is it wrong that I think her hair and makeup look great (especially the lashes) ...
... for a drag queen?
After reading this I got strong suicidal urges much like the red-winged blackbirds of Arkansas.
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"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
— William Goldman
There's something to be said for unpretentious simplicity...
-Einah
someone please fucking shoot me now.
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and I'm not sorry, it's human nature.
-Madonna
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NOOOOO! How much more of this are we expected to take? Why, WHY are brainless morons like this allowed to reap benefits when hardworking artists with actual talent and a voice and something to say are left to go begging? I am struggling to finish a documentary, for which I've mostly self-financed and this whoretrail is probably going to make my finishing funds before even rolling over to the other side of the bed to foul the sheets with self tanner, vomit and half an aborted fetus.
We need to rip this herpetic cunt fart from limb to limb in effigy.
You make me hate my hips! I hate my hips!
El oh El @ "Now I know what honor feels like"
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Please get the fuck out ---->
A Whore Thing. Must be. Are they trying to draw in the literate crowd? After reading this dumbing down book you will probably want to watch that show.
When did this bitch steal my diary??
These deep musings are mine, I tell ya!
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
Submitted by loozer on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:39pm.
It's called a Snooki:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY3a0ibIPPs
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Yes, South Park has captured the essence of the beast.
SNL does also:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlQjVm33ugY
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The real life horror of Monsanto: David vs Monsanto
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E42ndfjnP1g
Submitted by TexnDoc on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:12pm.
Oh dear God. It's like they actually used the Jersey Shore name generator and rejected All My Children characters to come up with those names.
I'm wondering whether that poof hides a huge sebaceous cyst. Or a hotdog or something?
Saying prayer for humanity. *Sets Kindle on fire*
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"This is what we call the floating world . . .” (Ryoi, c.1661)
" . . . the world needs to be shut down. I mean it this time. SHUT IT DOWN". (MK, c.2009)
I hate this turd, however Kudos to the graphic design team for hiding most of her.
First, the birds fell from the sky. Second, fish are turning up dead and now this...what a trifecta. Is this what the Mayans had in mind?
I'm pretty sure that any movie about/starring Snooki will have to be directed by Guillermo del Toro.
This is proof that the missing link lives and thrives in the Jersey Shore....(save for Khloe Kardashian who migrated west)....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by Noelegy on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:42pm.
From the Gutenberg Bible to this. Shit.
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Submitted by QueenieBK on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:49pm.
There is no God.
CO-SIGN. Now where's my flask? And a rusty spork with which to gouge out my eyes?
This makes me want to slide down a 50-foot razor blade and dive into a swimming pool full of alcohol.
After thinking about the whole Jersey Shore thing, I have to say that I once wandered the Atlantic City Boardwalk in my youth. All that made it different was the fact that nothing closed. It was always populated by non-Jerseyites from Philly, NYC, etc. You'd get a room at the Acapulco Motel, arrange fuck times with your friend who put up his half of the 8 buck room rent and go out looking for sex. You'd fuck the pickup and go to Three Brothers for pizza afterwards. This is a watered down version of how the shore worked. Snooki never knew the joys of the now-gone Deville Hotel and it's open door policy because she knows nothing of shore history. Once, it was wonderful...now it's a shitstorm of boardwalk trash.
"each night I go to bed, I pray like Aretha Franklin"..Scritti Politti's "Wood Beez"
In all seriousness - why does anyone know how this person is?
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin
"Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
Soul shaking poetry.
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.