Next Up On Oprah's Book Club...
If Hemingway was locked in a tanning bed for 48 hours and then forced to write a novel on the back of a stained cocktail napkin from Karma while inhaling fumes from the house smoosh bed, it would read a lot like the excerpts from Snooki's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning work of fiction: A SHORE THING. The New York Post has the excerpts and it's everything we could've hoped for AND MORE:
"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.""Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
"Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."
"I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk."
"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
I'm pretty sure I've written that last one word for word on this blog before. Now I know what honor feels like. And I'm not going to pretend like I won't be reading Snooki's own "On the Road" this summer when I'm baking my nips on the roof of the Holiday Inn. Don't worry, I'll cover it with the jacket from a more respected novel. Like something by Jackie Collins. Or maybe I'll just wait for the movie version directed by Almodóvar and starring Penelope Cruz.
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@DreamHypnotique. Where in the US is The Cheesecake Factory "classy"? I used to work for The Cuntcake Factory, and let me tell you. It's middle class average at best.
This makes me rethink the whole notion that book burning is bad.
{{adds this to a list of never-reads along with bios of Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber}}
"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
It really is the end of the world.
First of all, she didn't write this; bitch can barely spell "Cat" or make basic sentences. Nope, the publisher genius who thought this was a good idea put her together with a ghost writer, who was told "make sure it's illiterate, so people won't guess it's ghost written". Second, this is another step in the "Stupiding" of America (sorry for the made up word, but it's appropriate). Way to go, publisher whore & MTV! Lastly, it's no wonder the rest of the world thinks American culture is a joke; with fat flabby mindless idiots like this troll being promoted on TV, what else could anyone think...
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"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." - Brit's Tits
For some reason she doesn't bother me. It could be the fact that she's some average joe who just happened to get famous and not the daughter of any random rich celebrity. I think we would all do the same if we had the chance.
@I am hoping that 1) she was not paid to write that shit 2) it was all for her standup routine 3) she won't make any money...is she for fucking rea???l....is it the end of the world alaready????..I was hoping for this shit to go down in 2012...dayum...better repent cause baby the end is near!!!"
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What? this "person" has a stand up routine??? You are kidding right??
And yes it seems to be the consencus that this occasion actually is one of the horsemen of the apocalypse.
Does it have pictures?
Does it have pictures?
Does it have pictures?
@Submitted by Anonymous Q on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:44am.
If this book is a bestseller I'm packing up and moving to Europe"
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I'm sorry to break it to you, but it isn't much better over here I'm afraid...
Seems to be nowhere to turn these days!
Oh well we must just sit back and wait for the inevietable collapse of the capitalistic system, that's my plan and I'm sticking to it.
Capitalism IS the root of all evil.
I'm sure she completed her MFA, submitted to several high-end journals and had stories accepted, spent years getting a literary agent, and worked hard with a team of editors.
FUCKING PUBLISHING INDUSTRY.
STUPID DAMN WORLD.
If this book is a bestseller I'm packing up and moving to Europe. Or maybe even Canada.
I am hoping that 1) she was not paid to write that shit 2) it was all for her standup routine 3) she won't make any money...is she for fucking rea???l....is it the end of the world alaready????..I was hoping for this shit to go down in 2012...dayum...better repent cause baby the end is near!!!
"Submitted by from athens on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 7:29am.
this is some related to the dead birds falling from the sky shit."
Yes, exactly.
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"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.
"Any guy who values stick thin and young over smarts and personality isn't worth it and has NOTHING interesting to say anyway."-- Mrs. Kravitz
Oh, dear. After this, the four horsemen show up, and the sea turns to blood, right?
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"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.
"Any guy who values stick thin and young over smarts and personality isn't worth it and has NOTHING interesting to say anyway."-- Mrs. Kravitz
I didn't know Ernest Hemingway got re-incarnated into an orange midget from Long Island with puffy hair. That was brilliant! All of the other b!tches contending for a Pulitzer this year should just call it a day :P
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"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face." - A Shore Thing, by the literary prodigy of our time, Snooki
this is some related to the dead birds falling from the sky shit.
Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 1:22am.
Those excerpts are making Pamela Anderson seem like an author. You can't get more culture than Bea Arthur reading Pamela Anderson's work.....
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Thank you! That was awesome! Bea Arthur was awesome!
She looks like one of those oddly irritating, spoiled toddlers who are used to being told by doting relatives how cute she is, but she's actually cartoonishly ugly and you just want to tell her mother to tell her baboon-ass looking kid to stop whoring for "awwws" making noise and throwing peas and stay in her booster seat because other customers at Cheesecake Factory are trying to maintain the classy ambiance.
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Google me, tramp.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Albert-Kai-Lu/1822227818
"A thrill a minute read! From each bit to the next, I laughed, I cried, I threw up, and even peed a little! If there's one book you buy this year... make it anything but this one!" - quote taken from ESE's growing taste of bile in his throat.
for the love of all that is, or ever was, people... stop giving these assholes ratings for this shit!!
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
@kokoskitten- OMG at "diabla." She freaked me out. She scared me straight and I didn't even know I was in trouble.
Ugly, stupid and repugnant people with no talent making good doing nothing.
I'd like to slap the shit out of my country.
Those excerpts are making Pamela Anderson seem like an author. You can't get more culture than Bea Arthur reading Pamela Anderson's work.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21QNhzIac7g
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 12:42am.
Submitted by Centaurious on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:05pm.
Your dad sounds awesome. "Gorillas on the Dlist" immediately made me think of the Kardashians in a jungle somewhere, with Dian Fossey trying to capture their essence.
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The movie "Gorillas in the Mist" always makes me cry but i would pay top dollar to see a remake with a Dian Fossey character(played by Lily Tomlin with a cameo by the newest hipster Betty White as Jane Goodall) studying the Kardashians in their natural environment.
boo hoo snooki is poo poo
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"low self esteem is a bitch"...
Submitted by Centaurious on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:05pm.
Your dad sounds awesome. "Gorillas on the Dlist" immediately made me think of the Kardashians in a jungle somewhere, with Dian Fossey trying to capture their essence.
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Who are you calling silly cow?
Maybe with the tens she'll be making on this alleged book she can buy herself a neck. Meanwhile - what kind of sales are they expecting for this catalog of the de-evolution of mankind? Fans of Jersey Shawah don't read. Ok, they'll probably be buying to impress others of their ... kind. It'll most likely be the first novel they've ever seen or owned; they won't be able to stop themselves from carving out the inside and using it to stash their .45 and hollow points (had to steal that from TV).
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As useless as a saggy pair of tits
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:36pm.
Venus, I think we are sisters. I feel exactly the same way. :)
had to edit, it didn't make sense in that order!
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Yeah sorry bout that, had to edit mine coz I put Princess Diane instead of Diana. Am a bit OCD about typos and shit, especially the name of one of the iconic blondes of our time!
Submitted by VenusFlytrap on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:26pm
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A billion percent agree !!!!!!!!!!!!! I have friends my age (I'm 33) who about 8 or 9 years ago WORSHIPPED everything Paris was about. Being vapid, stupid, loving pink, flashing money (they didn't have) around...Snooki and all these other whores grew up on this image.
In the middle of a "Hoarders" session, seen it twice...and yes, it looks awesome.
Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:26pm.
Ok I apologize, this is totally off topic but I figure since its the end of the world I can post here. Has anyone seen the commercial on A&E (I'm watching Intervention so it's on all the time) for troubled teens called "beyond scared straight" where they put juvie ofenders in a prison for a day ? I love the obese dyke chick with A BEARD tattooed on her face screaming in the faces of these tweens who are in trouble for things like shoplifting and she calls herself "diabla" and then yells at them to call her that...looks awesome.
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Well-behaved women rarely make history
Ok I apologize, this is totally off topic but I figure since its the end of the world I can post here. Has anyone seen the commercial on A&E (I'm watching Intervention so it's on all the time) for troubled teens called "beyond scared straight" where they put juvie ofenders in a prison for a day ? I love the obese dyke chick with A BEARD tattooed on her face screaming in the faces of these tweens who are in trouble for things like shoplifting and she calls herself "diabla" and then yells at them to call her that...looks awesome.
Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:18pm.
Submitted by Centaurious on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:05pm.
What kind of a job does Snooki's protagonist hold?
My dad's visiting for the last two weeks, so I purchased him Kardashian Konfidential to read on the plane tomorrow.
I gave it to him and he was like, "I wouldn't be caught dead reading this trash, those girls are a bunch of pigs! What the hell is the matter with you!"
He refused to accept the gift.
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Your denial has affected me in the following ways...if you refuse to accept this gift I can no longer be a part of your life. This is an opportunity. (I'm watching Intervention right now so I'm stealing liberally from the quotes).
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LOL!!!!!
I did say all those things at dinner, we went to dinner immediately afterward, I was like, "It doesn't matter if you didn't like the gift, you should have accepted it gracefully and left it at my brother's (where he was staying) or taken it home and trashed it.....you rejected me by rejecting my gift!" I did some fake tears.
But, he then gave me 100 dollars, a Sephora gift card and a Dooney and Burke wristlet, so all was forgiven!
I actually was just making up my hurt feelings and he knew it...he was like, "Come off it, you got that book for yourself, you knew I'd never take it!"
But, he has been accepting National Enquirers and In Touch for the last two weeks, so I thought it could go either way.
He really hates the Kardashians, though. He calls them Gorillas on the Dlist.
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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Marjorie Ingall
Lol. Word.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 10:33pm.
That book cover should come with a .45 and some hollow points.
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Well-behaved women rarely make history
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:15pm.
Venus, I think we are sisters. I feel exactly the same way. :)
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Haha I never would have guessed, I thought you were her biggest fan! :P
Seriously, it scares me the amount of hate I can summon for that bitch. She is like the epitome of everything that is wrong with the world in one rancid package. Her influence has been like a cultural weapon of mass destruction. Snooki's shitty-ass book is just part of the fallout.
Submitted by Centaurious on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 11:05pm.
What kind of a job does Snooki's protagonist hold?
My dad's visiting for the last two weeks, so I purchased him Kardashian Konfidential to read on the plane tomorrow.
I gave it to him and he was like, "I wouldn't be caught dead reading this trash, those girls are a bunch of pigs! What the hell is the matter with you!"
He refused to accept the gift.
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Your denial has affected me in the following ways...if you refuse to accept this gift I can no longer be a part of your life. This is an opportunity. (I'm watching Intervention right now so I'm stealing liberally from the quotes).
Whatever, how'd you get away from the old guy? He pass out?
hahahahha
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and I'm not sorry, it's human nature.
-Madonna
Venus, I think we are sisters. I feel exactly the same way. :)
had to edit, it didn't make sense in that order!
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and I'm not sorry, it's human nature.
-Madonna
2012 anyone?
Submitted by TexnDoc on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:12pm.
I had to go to Amazon because I bet with myself it had to be under 100 pages. Nope, clocks in at 300.
Direct copy/paste from there:
(I'm debating whether to re-register here as "Bender Newberry")
Product Description
It’s a summer to remember . . . at the Jersey Shore.
Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti
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Think I'd like this better if her first name were Asti.
What kind of a job does Snooki's protagonist hold?
My dad's visiting for the last two weeks, so I purchased him Kardashian Konfidential to read on the plane tomorrow.
I gave it to him and he was like, "I wouldn't be caught dead reading this trash, those girls are a bunch of pigs! What the hell is the matter with you!"
He refused to accept the gift.
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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Marjorie Ingall
Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 10:11pm.
Think about it...if the key to getting at money is to be impressive in this way - do you REALLY want to be impressive? Not really. It's much better to be a "loser" in this day and age.
WORD!
Personally tho, I blame Paris Hilton for most of this "skanky reality show losers becoming celebs" shit. She was the one who set the bar for how to become famous these days so pathetically fucking low by coming out with no talent for anything other than self-promotion and being an utter slut, using a sex tape to get publicity for her shitty TV show and has since had opportunities (record deal, movies, books, perfume line etc etc) that real talented folks would KILL for that have made her MILLIONS.
I understand the hate y'all have for Snooki, but to me Paris is the Queen Bee of all the reality show twats and the worst by far. Can't even begin to tell you how much I hate the ignorant, degenerate, animal-neglecting coke whore that she is and the WORST thing about her is that she sees herself as an ICON! Few years ago remember hearing a quote from her along the lines of, "Every decade has an iconic blonde, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, and I am the iconic blonde for this decade." Sad thing is, she is probably right - isn't that a horrible reflection of the world we live in now?
Phew, sorry to go a bit O/T there, but I feel better now for that epic rant!
Does anyone else see Puhlitzer in Snooki's future? "Fresh gorilla" is the next classic line. It's better than 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'. This is solid gold, y'all. Solid gold.
Submitted by mike on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 10:43pm.
Seriously, y'all are just figuring out it's time to learn to fiddle? I can already smell the smoke.
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Oh, I think we've all been seeing the flames from our windows for awhile. 2012 can't come fast enough.
I don't get it.
Hasn't it been 15 minutes already??
Can't wait to see these at the dollar store with a big ugly bright orange "99 cent" sticker over her face.
I read the 5 excerpts and feel stupider already. My 3 remaining brain cells are suing her all 87 cents she'll make from this.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
All hail the Charles Bukowski of fat New Jersey whores!
Seriously, y'all are just figuring out it's time to learn to fiddle? I can already smell the smoke.
The whole world is turning into Special Ed. Devolution is correct!! A baboons ass it is then!
Submitted by stake_spike on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 9:44pm.
Who is that in your avie? Kaya Scodelario?