You Can't Keep A Good Aretha Down
A dark cloud blew into the dusty ashglobe in my chest yesterday when it was reported that Aretha Franklin is down and out with a life-threatening disease. Some say that the disease is cancer, and others specifically said it's incurable pancreatic cancer. Aretha's publicist has Super Glued his lips shut about this topic and has yet to release any kind of statement about her condition or what's keeping her laid up in a hospital bed. But Aretha's cousin (It's always the cousin!) Brenda Corbett tells the Detroit Free Press (via AP) that the Queen will be back to hollerin' her wig off on stage in the late spring or early summer.
Cousin Brenda put it like this: “Aretha is doing better than doctors expected. She has a long life in front of her and will be back in concert, on stage, late spring or early summer. This girl is doing great, and they (The National Enquirer) need to stop it.”
Aretha's sister-in-law Earline wouldn't even put the tip of her finger on The National Enquirer story, but she did say this: “Aretha is doing absolutely wonderful. All the prayers and well wishes have supported her, and she’s doing well.” BUT another one of Aretha's relatives who wished to remain nameless confirmed The National Enquirer story and said it is pancreatic cancer.
Why do we all have that one "I wish to remain nameless" relative in our family? You know that bitch. That one family member who whispers like it was their major in community college. They're always huddled in the corner with your auntie talking shush-like. When their eyes catch your eyes staring at them, they straighten up and switch gears. When you ask them what they were talking about, they look you in the eyelashes and say some shit like, "Just talking about how the El Pollo Loco rice is soggy." And you're thinking to yourself, "I know who's getting a 98 cent gift certificate to the 99 Cent Store this Christmas!"
And just for the record, Cousin Kelly, I wasn't lying about the El Pollo Loco rice being soggy! It really was!
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"you can't keep a good aretha down"...
worse yet, "you can't keep a bad urethra UP"
*sorry*...best of luck Aretha
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UPDATE! No-one gives a shit!
-Tourette's Guy
I wish all the best for Aretha
She'll be dead by Groundhog's Day, if not sooner. Pancreatic cancer doesn't fuck around, even trying to find the pancreas in all that blubber. Mark my words. D-e-c-e-a-s-e-d.
You make me hate my hips! I hate my hips!
this news just warmed the glacier that is my heart!
Pancreatic cancer carries a grim prognosis. Not zero, but seriously grim, and terribly painful. I hope it's anything but that. (Throw out those smokes, people. They're not worth the suffering.)
But maybe 'Retha's just having a chichi reduction and it's taking longer than expected! Yeah, denial works for me.
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Cause I can't work a job
Like any other slob
Punching in and punching out and sucking up to Bob
Marrying a bitch
Having seven kids
Giving up and growing old
And hoping there's a god
"It's always the cousin"
lol
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I've written a letter to MK...saying...I...love...youuuuuu.
Cousin Brenda helped me Stoney, because I want to believe Miss Aretha will get better and I hate to think of anyone suffering that much.
*chanting as always*
I thought 'Pancreatic' was the pre-historic era this fat fucking dinosaur came from.
Miss Aretha, the world can't survive without you. Please get well soon and bless us all with your pipes of gold.
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"Sometimes the dick is so good you want to put their name on your checking account."
Cousin Brenda is not helping anyone with her denial.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst cancers. And it often doesn't present symptoms, so by the time one is diagnosed it's usually too late. I hope this rumor is untrue.
If Aretha is unwell, I would have bet on heart disease/attack, diabetes, stroke, or some other weight-related affliction.
Get well soon, QOS.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Hugs and kisses to The Queen of Soul. Get well now.
"You know that bitch. That one family member who whispers like it was their major in community college."
LMAO. Hate 'em!
http://royalgossip.forumprofi.de/index.php
Why not use adult stem cell cloning to replace the pancreas? It's been done before and there has been successs.
Cancer patients grow new livers with stem cells
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-444861/Cancer-patients-grow-ne...
If it can be done with liver, it can be don with pancreas.
Submitted by ditquoi on Thu, 12/09/2010 - 10:29am.
and if the National Enquirer blabbed to the world that she has pancreatic cancer and it's not true, may fire crabs from hell descend on the nether regions of each of their employees, including the cleaning people, like locusts on the children of Egypt.
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...and may their offices become infested with bed bugs.
I do pray that she stays with us for a while...
and if the National Enquirer blabbed to the world that she has pancreatic cancer and it's not true, may fire crabs from hell descend on the nether regions of each of their employees, including the cleaning people, like locusts on the children of Egypt.
good morning all :D
Lmao Michael K! Funnt ending!
Damn she's huge. That is all
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
I always liked cousin Brenda better.
*chanting as always*
Detective cousin Brenda and Detective sister-in-law Earline remind me of someone else. Always believe "that bitch" in the family.
If Aretha's massive chichis can't keep her down, I doubt cancer will.
How much do you think one those chichis weigh?************************************************************************************************ For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.
Hunter S. Thompson
snowy - looks like Orca's gonna be stuck with the same ole, tired, worn out pussy...
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"Your appalling choice in women is well-known to us dlisters." Momus