UPDATE: The Prayer Vigil Worked!
God is obviously a tits man (I can already feel my abuelita's switch triple slapping my hands for that one) because he anointed himself the head conductor of Aretha Franklin's mystery surgery and led her doctors to success! That's what Aretha said anyway in a statement to USA Today following the surgery for an ailment she doesn't want to discuss (areola lift?). A small prayer vigil was held for Aretha in Downtown Detroit on Wednesday night and Queen Aretha thanked them for rebuking the ills (or whatever is keeping her down) from her being:
"The surgery was highly successful. God is still in control. I had superb doctors and nurses whom were blessed by all the prayers of the city and the country. God bless you all for your prayers!The Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin"
You hear that, Stevie Johnson? God's (wearing his strongest weight lifting belt) got Aretha's back, so don't mad the next time you screw up a touchdown. God's got more important things to tend to like the downsizing of Aretha's mammary mountains. That's what I'm guessing this "mystery surgery" is anyway and strangely enough it's not making me throw a black veil over my nipples and wail out in mourning. I understand. Aretha's spine needs a vacation. Like a toothpick holding up two turduckens. Arethan's chichis will always be magnificent to me even though her cleavage will no longer be able to hide every item on the Dollar Menu.
• 
What do you want to bet it was lap band surgery along with a breast reduction? Those would be my choices if I were Aretha.
Yay for Aretha! I wonder if we'll find out later that it was cosmetic surgery or weight...Guess we'll find out next time we see her.
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http://evolutionflashback.blogspot.com
Submitted by Raul Duke on Fri, 12/03/2010 - 9:33am.
In other news KFC stock rebounded in early trading after a brisk sell off yesterday.
oh shit! lol
"God is still in control."
I love Aretha but...WTH does this mean? If she had (ahem) not made it, that would mean what, the the debbil is in control?
??? We know the debbil is not in control because Bristol Palin didn't win DWTS.
I am confused, but I am very happy to hear Aretha is doing better.
Yay!
I thought this was pretty funny though.
"The Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin"
Does she actually refer to herself as "The Queen of Soul"? That's a diva right there.
If anything happens to her the Spirit of Detroit statue will begin spontaneously weeping, the Pistons will cancel their season, Kid Rock will do a duet with Madge and Better Made chips will come up w/ a special flavor, "titty milk."
:)
Thank you, Lord. We weren't ready to part ways with Miss Aretha.
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"Sometimes the dick is so good you want to put their name on your checking account."
This is a photo of Aretha leaving the hospital just a while ago. http://pictureisunrelated.memebase.com/2010/12/02/wtf-photos-videos-in-l... ************************************************************************************************ For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.
Hunter S. Thompson
I bet Santa gave Aretha a lap-band surgery for Christmas!
"Google me, you dumb fuck!", said some punk bitch rookie cop.
Yeah....it worked on my dog, so I figured it would work for her, too.
Poor Areefa, she needs those damn things cut off. I can relate, big tits are a PITA. I can't imagine hauling hers around:(
~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t56s4dZ1_rs
Good! Put her at the Grammies right in front of Justin Bieber shooting him a "Don't you even move out of that seat, insect" glare the entire show.
Team no spaghehetti straps or sleeveless dresses in that size POR VIDA!!!
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"This is straight up fuckery."
His Holiness MK, 9/03/08
sorry to burst errybodys (chichi)bubble what if *gasp* she had a tittyball REDUCTION?...
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Fri, 12/03/2010 - 9:27am.
GOD BLESS THE CHI-CHI - PITTS!
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And those chichis ARE the fuckin' pits, man. Blech.
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Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a "fuck you". - Cee-lo Green
Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Fri, 12/03/2010 - 9:27am.
Her necks look like the half-melty peanut butter on my toast.
*gags and throws it away*
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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"Your appalling choice in women is well-known to us dlisters." Momus
you could hide a village of midgets in those tittah balls.
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You smell like cheap weed and applesauce.
Submitted by Wren on Fri, 12/03/2010 - 9:30am.
Sleeves should not be optional on a dress that size.
LOL!
- - - - -
All of the 'actors' mentioned are well-known homosexuals.
Here's to a full recovery for the Queen!!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
Submitted by Wren: "Sleeves should not be optional on a dress that size."
Amen. And neither should spaghetti straps.
In other news KFC stock rebounded in early trading after a brisk sell off yesterday. ************************************************************************************************ For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.
Hunter S. Thompson
She should be thanking the surgeons, not some mythical being in the sky. It was their hands that saved her ass.
Sleeves should not be optional on a dress that size.
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Personally, I think Steven is just one of those natural crackheads. You know, those hos who act strung out, but aren't. They are primarily known as "Born-Again Christians."
GOD BLESS THE CHI-CHI - PITTS!
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This is why we can't have nice things!
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-Hat 04/27/2010
Her necks look like the half-melty peanut butter on my toast.
*gags and throws it away*
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Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a "fuck you". - Cee-lo Green
Eff Ewe H8ters!!!!
I'm sure she was just having her crown adjusted to accomodate her halo!
Be well Sweet Queen!
*chanting as always*
Hooray for Virgils!
She probably got that stomatch band thingy. If all of a sudden she start losing weight we'll know.
Not that she needs to lose weight or anything, I mean she looks good right?......hold's it back... hold's it back............Baaaawahaaaaaaaa!!!!!
And if it hadn't work, well then God just wanted to bring her home, or it was just not part of his plan, right?
god save the queen! of soul...titty milk for everyone...
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Just wait til your ball sack is jangling around your knees like santa's bells and your brows are meeting your eyelids -stolen from: Urfugginjokin on Holy Moly on 10/13/10
her freakshow tits make me gag... somebody oughta sell tickets.
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"Your appalling choice in women is well-known to us dlisters." Momus