Hot Slut Of The Day!
Malik Turner, a 40-year-old UPS sorter who lives with his mom in Harlem and is the most eligible bachelor in the New York, if not the country, if not the world, if not the universe!
Scooping up vagina with the click of a mouse on Craigslist isn't the way a natural born romantic like Malik wants to woo the lady of his wet dreams to snuggle with him on the top bunk in his mom's guest room/office/craft station. Malik prefers to do it the old-fashioned way so he has posted several hand-written personal ads on telephone booths around the city. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is how Romeo met Juliet.
Malik might be filled with a brand of delusion you thought only existed in a Lohan, but he knows how to write a personal ad. Malik's personal ad makes Harry Potter seems like something that exists in real reality. When Malik's kindergarten teacher told him to "dare to dream", he took that shit a little too far.
Basically, Malik is looking for a 21-45-year-old white or Hispanic female (NO SHE-MALES!!!!) with red or blonde hair (NO BROWNHAIREDS!!!) who has big tits (NO FATS!!!!) and is a total slut (NO HOOKERS!!!). She must also be a non-smoker who goes dutch (NO GOLD DIGGERS!!!) and regularly wears daisy dukes with 6-inch spiked heels (NO SHE-MALE HOOKERS!!). Malik is hoping to find all of this in a classy lady who stops and reads personal ads on a damn telephone booth!
If you're a 22-year-old Hispanic slut with red hair who thinks she has finally found her Prince Charming, think again. Malik is only looking for fuck times and isn't ready for anything serious.
I'm not going to add anything else, because Malik has it covered and you should really spend time reading his entire ad. And in case you haven't already noticed, MALIK IS WEARING A FANNY PACK! A fanny pack that matches his outfit! Yeah, so don't act like you're not dialing 9-1-7-6-5.... right now.
(For Michelle & Fionna)
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Why is it always guys with huge pot bellies who say "NO FATTIES"? Why is it always guys with 2x4-face who say "MUST BE HOT"?
I'm not saying that this stupendous level of entitlement is male-only, but sir you are no prize catch. What would any woman (let alone the supermodel you think you deserve) have anything to do with you?
Surely the dumazz realizes that a classy ho with these qualities wouldn't read crap posted in a public telephone booth. Independent and employed but not a hooker? Does the concept of cell phones 'ring' a bell, Malik?
Major Romance FAIL.
He will end settling for one out of the twenty some-odd 'qualities' he's looking for and should feel lucky to get that.
Truly a P-I-G.
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-As soon as a true thought has entered our mind it gives a light which makes us see a crowd of other objects we have never perceived before.
-Chateaubriand
....And that kids, is how I met your mother. LOL
Is he on Facebook?
Submitted by kacky on Thu, 10/28/2010 - 12:11am.
If you don't like a subject, I recommend you skip it. Personally, I don't consider realitards to be celebrities, and most of the time I have to skip several posts a day because they involve "Real" Houseskanks or a Kardassian -- people I don't consider "celebrities" but who I do consider to be intellectually challenged.
Spice of life type stuff, like this guy or Antoine Dodson, often leads to some measure of fame/infamy. It's not as if Michael K is plucking people out of obscurity and making fun of them; sluts of the day are people who are seeking some level of public attention, and they're not embarrassed at what they are doing to get it.
I read this blog for celebrity gossip, not to dig up random intellectually challenged people to hate on.
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Bitch is introducing us to the double-handed DO NOT WANT!
At least he's honest. A lot more than most people... but I'll pass.
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It sounds like I'll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery. MK - November 2008
Submitted by caprica six on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 9:10am.
WTF is this shit?! Our "buddy" Malik needs to just come and talk with us. I think we'll all be able to steer him in the right direction and with sound advice. Oh yes.
*sends multimedia text to Malik with bluewaffle pic as an opener into his love quest*
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ROFLMAO!!
Please tell me you actually did that! Oh sweet gravy I'm loving the comments in this thread. Unfortunately, reading Malik's ad has moved me a whole lot closer to being a lezzie. Is this what's available in the dating pool nowadays?
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He kinda reminds me of Ron Jeremy, but...not as classy! - Submitted by david Letterman
I have enough to re-name you Betty Crackwhore! - Submitted by TheBreakdown
looks like nobody tore off his number. probably not the right neighborhood for him to find what he's looking for.
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http://evolutionflashback.blogspot.com
RE: Submitted by anasakrana on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 2:49pm.
Malik hung up on me when I asked if his mother would join us in a 3some... She must be the wrong color or something...WHERE IS KANYE WHEN WE NEED HIM!!!!?
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LOLOL. OMG, I can't stop laughing at this. "She must be the wrong color or something" LMAO.
hahahahahha! This is so beyond funny and delusional that I had to post it on Facebook, Twitter and everywhere - to help him find his dream girls! hahahahah! The following comments already echo many of my thoughts so no need to say more...and I love the girl who actually called him and ask for threesome with his mother..hahahhaa!
Missed opportunity!!
Where is Hollywood?!? This is a reality show in the making... hotdamn!
Submitted by CokeyBloke: "I've got it! He's a grown-up, black, inner-city NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!"
No, more like the Rico character.
I knew mah man would finally come but who knew he wouldn't like dominant she-male hookahs like me!
Aw darnit i'm not promiscuous enough to qualify! This guy's a hoot but I think he's actually serious and more than a little deluded- good luck to him!
The poison is in the dose-Paracelsus
Ahhaha GrlBhvingBadly,
"I am just so happy he left us sistas off his list."
As a brunette I share your sentiment, although I fear the fact that I drive a Jeep Cherokee could put me back into eligibility.
Don't underestimate the desperation of single women who can't get a man. That guy is going to get so many hits he'll have to strap a mattress to his back.
Malik hung up on me when I asked if his mother would join us in a 3some... She must be the wrong color or something...WHERE IS KANYE WHEN WE NEED HIM!!!!?
Submitted by GingeMinge on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 1:07pm.
He's gonna a need a girl who pays for everything, because UPS is about fire his ass.
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Bahwahhhaaaa. too much, you're right!
That's allot to ask considering he's as ugly as a box of toe nail clippings.
This guy watches way too much porn.
He's gonna a need a girl who pays for everything, because UPS is about fire his ass.
Shhhoo, the rent in Harlem must be good if still lives with his mother. What does he do with that money from ups. God bless him if he will find a white girl or Spanish girl for his fun. I doubt this gorgeous guy will bring his girlfriend and orgy party at his mommy's house so she can smell sweet funk of his love juices.
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
He's a package handler at UPS, that means he has great benefits but only makes $10/hr (I know this because I'd thought my lazy student ass should get a job this X-mas. I saw some ads saying UPS is hiring and thought oh UPS must pay well, uh no). All that shit he's looking for is pretty ambitious for a man that only makes $10/hr and lives with him momma.
Lol! That's the first thing
i was going to say!
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"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." Oscar Wilde
This one makes me a little sad. There's obviously something mentally off about him, and everything he knows about women comes from porn sites.
Or maybe I'm just bitter because I'm a flat-chested brunette with no shot at this stallion.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
Foursomes? You have to admire the dude - he has goals...
I sent the note to my friend, but she said she didn't qualify cause her tits weren't big enough...
damn...I had hoped it would work!!
Why must men be so picky?
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Snideychick sez:
Malik just become a driver for UPS. Most of them are nasty mansluts (I know from experience) and have an all access pass to receptionist pussy.
You got heart, AGirl.
I can't with that fanny pack. Deal breaker right there.
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"Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense. Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan
He works at UPS not USPS!
Make Min wage at best, and he's probably such a sweet man, he's probably supportin his momma.
Damn bitch is taking away his Lambroghini dreams.
Well.
He DOES have very nice handwriting.
I'm feeling a little faint right now.
Just at the fact that he actually thinks he can get that?!
I don't want him sorting my mail anymore.
That's final.
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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Plato
Well I live in NYC and I was about to say NOFUCKINGWAY but then I saw that he loves Coney Island.
He had me at Coney Island. My favorite place on earth. Imma give him a call.
I kinda feel bad for him. UPS people make decent salaries so I'm going to assume he's living with momma because there is something off with him. That not made me cringe...but it is funny at the same time.
and I was helping children in Morocco, it wasn't like a vacation...
Submitted by NitWitty on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 8:36am.
WooHoo! *Headin' out to fill up my phone card at Wal-Mart*
Hang on, Molek! I'm commmmmming!
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Hahahahaha!
I was about to call Malik myself. I mean, everything he wants in a woman, what he likes...he just seems so GENUINE, you know? And that handwriting. Mmm. As I kept reading, I noticed he mispelled EMPLOYED. Man can spell Lamborghini, but not employed? Fuck a bunch of that! You just lost out Malik!
Hot Damn, He wants threesomes & foursomes, and wants to wear condoms.
sounds like a real winner, works at UPS, he's 40 yrs old and lives with his mom in Harlem, and oh ya, Black Chicks need not apply!
what is it with black dudes that they don't like girls of their own race or skin color?
I am just so happy he left us sistas off his list.
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"It really is the simple things in life that give you a reason to take your pants off during a work day." -- MK
what a prize...
Hot ghetto mess. That pic looks like it was taken on 125th & St. Nicholas (Harlem whore for years). I'm going to pray real hard for this man.
Wow, what a catch!
hahaha
It never ceases to amaze me how asshats expect to hook up with hot folk.
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"... educational videos which can be found in the FRESH FUCKERY section of your local library ..."
Submitted by babybunny on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 9:14am.
OMG hahahha. I used to date (well not exactly date, let's be honest here ;) ) a man who wore his blackberry on his belt. He was SO HOT...like delicious...but that damn phone holder on his belt. I used to make him take it off if we went anywhere because it was so embarrassing. He wasn't from this country though...maybe that's why he didn't realize the tool-ness of it. You look like a fool!
Was he Michael Lohan?
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"I'm like a tree, I feed the branches of the people." - Kanye West
LMAO I feel like crank-calling this delusional bitch loser. And who the hell uses payphones in NYC nowadays? Most don't even work anymore.
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"It's pathetic how far a gal has to go for a good fuck" - Samantha Jones
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What a prince of a man and he lives with his mother as well-too bad Im on the wrong coast..
Hey- why is he excluding the sisters?-
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 9:49am.
I've got it! He's a grown-up, black, inner-city NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!
LOL LOL LOL
Weeeeell OBviously the poor dear is 'slow'.
I've got it! He's a grown-up, black, inner-city NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!
Among his "favorites" are the animals Cats and Tigers.
rawhr!
Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 9:23am.
Submitted by babybunny on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 9:14am.
OMG hahahha. I used to date (well not exactly date, let's be honest here ;) ) a man who wore his blackberry on his belt. He was SO HOT...like delicious...but that damn phone holder on his belt. I used to make him take it off if we went anywhere because it was so embarrassing. He wasn't from this country though...maybe that's why he didn't realize the tool-ness of it. You look like a fool!
LOL, I call those phone holsters "redneck clips" (I have multiple "redneck" items - "redneck parking" "redneck bottle"). I'm a Southerner (though NOT a redneck) so I can say those things.
So he wants a girl that's "promisuous", "employeed" and "willing to take turns paying on date"! Priceless!
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK