The Best Thing To Come Out Of Twilight
To me the cover of the first Twilight book is a warning that turning the first page is the equivalent of biting into a poisonous apple that will leave you foaming at the genitals and howling through the snatch at anything RPattz-related. Well, believe it or not the hands on the cover don't belong to one of Satan's minions. They belong to an actual person who wants it known that she's been an important part of the sadistic cult that has eaten the souls of our youth (and our youths' mothers).
40-year-old Massage therapist/hand and foot model Kimbra Hickey gave an interview to The New York Post about how she's hoping to turn her Twilight gig into something bigger. Psychiatrists can quote this interview in The American Journal of Psychiatry when talking about the mental disease that is famewhorenia. Seriously, this mess is that good. Read for yourself:
Whenever Kimbra sees someone reading the book on the subway, she bothers their asses to let them know those are her hands on the cover. Kimbra put it mildly, "I'm sure they think I'm crazy -- a crazy lady on the subway."One of Kimbra's favorite pastimes is hanging out at the Barnes & Nobles near her Greenwich Village apartment and attacking bitches who are about to buy Twilight. Kimbra will gladly sign their book or let them trace her hands on the inside jacket.
Kimbra carries a Gala apple in her purse in case a Twihard asks her to recreate the pose live and in person.
Kimbra sells apple-scented hand lotion at Twihard conventions around the country.
Kimbra is trying to track down Twilight's casting director to get a role in the last movie, "If I could get a little background part, it would be fantastic, even if they only wanted my hands in it." Hand jobbing your way to fame: You're doing it wrong, Kimbra.
"Crazier than a Twilight hand model" is the new "Crazier than an unmedicated Twitard."
But Kimbra is still one brave crazy. I mean, one day she's going to run into the wrong amputee Twihard who is going to try to gnaw off her arms with their fake vampire teeth so they can attach that shit to their stumps. "I can't wait!" - Kimbra
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At least she is cute, the most famous hand model is brown bag worthy in the face.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/25/fashion/25skin.html?_r=1
She must be insufferable to live with, but at least she is making bank and maybe good at oral too.
You are so hot, let's get crazy, do some coke
-Pat O'Brien
Here's what I am going to do, I am going to read up on how to be a Buddhist, and I am gonna pray to Buddha that he is going to reincarnate me so when I kill myself I can come back and be cool as
fuck like you.
Wow, is she serious? I am writing a book about the art of jacking off a man... I wonder if she's available for the book cover?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SX2KzqM3qU
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 9:57pm.
"Grease" was and still is awesome!
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NO. I will pretend you didn't say that cuz I loves you ;*
Optimism is a political act. Those who benefit from the status quo are perfectly happy for us to think nothing is going to get any better. In fact,these days cynicism is obedience. - Alex Steff
"Grease" was and still is awesome!
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Tonight my tears might stain your wings, so flutter home
Cause you're better off alone than with me
-Chris Cornell
I never got the "greatness" of Grease that my aunts still squee about. Unfortunately, the current crop of tweens will grow up and iconize this stank shitfest novel/movie and turn it into a cottage industry for retardians to relive their vicariously wasted youth.
Optimism is a political act. Those who benefit from the status quo are perfectly happy for us to think nothing is going to get any better. In fact,these days cynicism is obedience. - Alex Steff
An episode of Seinfeld where George becomes a hand model said it best "that's what comes when you avoid a life of manual labour"
zzzzzzzzzzzz
She's kinda cute and seems harmless enough... and call me a perv, but I'd go to one of those Twihard conventions just to buy some apple scented hand lotion from her.
Hand jobbing your way to fame: You're doing it wrong, Kimbra.
_________________
FLOL.
**I ALT 12 you!**
Submitted by loozer on Thu, 03/04/2010 - 9:05pm.
UrMomma!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyngFurWy14
This brings desperation to a whole new level.
Claim to fame much.
That's true! If you are a (real) massage therapist after a few years, you get huge man hands. Is that a fetish now?
If your a hand model why would you be a massage therapist? That shit ruins your hands. What a batshit crazy weirdo. The book necklace is a nice touch.
Wow. Just wow. That is incredibly embarrassing & something she should keep to herself. Get over it, lady.
Submitted by madam ex on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 1:11pm.
Hello, literary hot slut.
Submitted by WhiskeyTango: "I was watching a dubbed version of Twilight over the weekend (kind of like Mystery Science Theater 3000...where they have ppl making sarcastic remarks over the dialogue)"
WHAT CHANNEL??? I MUST SEE THIS ASAP!
I used to work at a bakery in Rhode Island and she came in all the time- I knew her before and after she did the Twilight cover. She's an incredibly adorable and nice person. She's been doing hand and feet modeling for years. Who can blame her for being excited about it all?!
p.s the first time I met her about 6 years ago, I saw her hands when she went to pay and I commented on how gorgeous they were. It was hard not to notice.
Crazy bitch for real, and any Armistead Maupins fans are friends of mine...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE AM
HER NECKLACE IS THE TWILIGHT COVER! THIS FUCKING BITCH.
ETA: Sorry if people already commented on this or if MK mentioned it, I just barely scrolled down and almost went apoplectic when I saw it.
It would be even more awesome if she sold massages with a "happy ending" at Twilight conventions. That would really be, "Hand jobbing your way to fame.."
What an obnoxious fucking loser. I can't with this bitch's necklace.
I hate long-ass signatures.
@DWM: It was called Rifftrax...def check it out, it's hilarious.
http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/twilight
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"Leavin', on a southern train
Only yesterday, you lied
Promises of what I seemed to be
Only watch the time go by
All of these things you said to me"
@ Mike:
That's cool. Did you scream and cringe with horror about the Duke University Beast? I realize that shameless women who treat men like sex objects exist,and if someone goes on a mission to spread HPV, all I can say is: she's not using my lady parts. What offends me the fact that she put all of this in PowerPoint display with names,dates,dick size,performance ratings, and photographs,emailed it to friends,then pretended to be shocked/surprised that it went viral online. BULLSHIT. I'm with Nelson Agren on this: all whorehouses all over the world, you're invited in and the whore closes the door. That shameless tramp should be sued for her grotesque violations of privacy. if one of the young men in question pimp slaps her hard enough to crack her vertebrae, my sympathies will be with him-the world didn't need to know who has a big tallywhacker and who does not.
@ Hekki:
LOL!Those who use the subjunctive correctly do not read _Twighlight_ on the subway.
So they photoshopped in Madonna's veins?
Given the veins on those arms I bet it's either Holie or Mad Madge.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
WT I would love to see that. Where did you find it?
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This is why we can't have nice things!
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-Hat 04/27/2010
I was watching a dubbed version of Twilight over the weekend (kind of like Mystery Science Theater 3000...where they have ppl making sarcastic remarks over the dialogue) and I was amazed at how astonishingly BAD this movie is. Like...it's pretty much unwatchable. Kristen Stewart is one of the worst actresses on the planet; she blinks her eyes 100 times per second and has no emotional range whatsoever. RPattz isn't even remotely attractive, either. The only bright spot was Peter Facinelli as Dr. Cullen.
Oh and this chick sounds like a grade-A nutjob.
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"Leavin', on a southern train
Only yesterday, you lied
Promises of what I seemed to be
Only watch the time go by
All of these things you said to me"
If I were reading this book on the subway and some bitch came up to me and said those were her hands, I would just play along and think she was insane and get off at the very next chance I could: "Oops, this is my stop! 'Kthanxbye."
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:45am.
Say you won't.
Fellow citizen of the world,you can call me AC.
Submitted by A.cotw on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:52am.
Yep, born and raised in NC. Have lived other places, though. Currently live in Raleigh.
Submitted by mike on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:40am.
Submitted by A.cotw on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:36am.
You must be Southern,hot slut. Southerners truly know their kith and kin. Are you from North Carolina,as Maupin is? I've yet to meet a person from NC who was not very clever, witty, and damned good company.
I was raised by Displaced Southerners (from New Orleans), hence my lifelong attempts to understand Southern culture in general, New Orleans in particular. Mr W, who is from Chattanooga,says it's hopeless.
The LOL comments in this thread are so numerous I can't respond to them all. You funny bitches are lighting up my life today.
Of course it doesn't hurt that I am eating a kickass lunch: romaine salad with homemade blue cheese dressing, tomato and crumbled bacon. OINK. LOL. OINK. LOL.
there's a crazy theme running on DListed today, noticed that all posts so far have been about people who are not quite there mentally speaking: Britney, Phoebe, this Kindra trick...and the jury is still out on Keanu's sanity.
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"The best way to keep your figure is to give your food to the hungry" - Audrey Hepburn
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A.cotw:
I have small wrists! What can I say?!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
Submitted by A.cotw on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:36am.
Armistead Maupin is a semi-distant cousin of mine. Really.
.. that's my apple in the pic.
I loaned it to them just for the shoot. They wanted a banana originally, but I only had an apple in my lunch that day.
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:18am.
Breaky, you beast! Did you mention fisting to make every Dlisted slut with a crush on you cringe in horror?!
Icky,a hussy with good tight parts wants to keep them that way.
ahahahaha, Mike!!!
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
Oh! And those Teefs. I am askeerd.
*chanting as always*
There is something you need to remember: Bitch's audience. She is only pestering people who are buying the book, so it's just a case of:
"Crazy-meet Crazy."
*chanting as always*
Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:12am.
Submitted by A.cotw on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:07am.
Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 10:44am.
Very interesting. The only thing I knew about the ET dwarf is from the roman a clef Armistead Maupin wrote about her.
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Thanks for reminding me about that, I love Armistead M. More interesting is the dwarf woman who appeared as the Martian brain in the 1953 "Invaders From Mars". She was paid $50, installed in the tentacled suit, stood on a cardboard box for the shoot, gave one of the most iconic sci fi performances, and promptly disappeared. Miss Hand Model here needs to step off.
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I love A. Maupin. _Maybe The Moon_ is worth reading ONLY because he wrote it. He has a great gift for dialogue and descriptions; when "Tales of the City" was in the SF Chronicle,everyone read it. Now it seems his novels are in the "gay interest" section of every SF Bay Area library/bookstore. That seems short-sighted to me-everyone who enjoys good writing,or wants to write a long series which is perfectly evocative of a time and place, with realistic characters,should read _Tales of The City_. I feel the same way about Amy Tan-she wrote about all mothers and daughters in her first book. I so wish diversity didn't dance with segregation.
end rant/
ON TOPIC: This woman is pathetic. Call me every ugly name in the book,but I wouldn't care to chat with anyone who read Stephanie Meyers in public.I've heard the movies are entertaining,though.
Just this past weekend I saw a black minivan with both a Twilight and New Moon bumper sticker. They were ahead of me, so I didn't get a look at the driver, but I did notice that the minivan was tilting ever so slightly to the left.
She's not trying TOO hard - the apple she's holding on the cover of the book is much smaller.
Submitted by eat.pray.vomit on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 10:55am.
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Examples please?
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Here are my top 3:
- lady who would whisper to her hands while compulsively rubbing lotion on them constantly.
- lady who wore gloves 24/7 and would not take them off or refuse to touch anything without them unless the camera was rolling.
- skeevy dude who implied every chance he got that there was a relationship between his good looking hands and his other "body part"
"The best way to keep your figure is to give your food to the hungry" - Audrey Hepburn
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Submitted by mike on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:21am.
LLLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Submitted by howdareyou on Mon, 10/04/2010 - 11:02am.
In the movie, they recreated that photo with Robert Pattinson holding the apple. So good luck, bitch, convincing the Twitards those aren't his hands.
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They actually do look more like a man's hands to me, mostly because of the veiny arms. I mean, really, her arms are probably not that veiny.
Kimbra sells apple-scented hand lotion at Twihard conventions around the country.
Me thinks she doesn't just sell the lotion. *coughHANDJOBScough*
Maybe someone ripped the apple out her hands and ditched it at her ginormous head. Bitch has the neck of a giraffe.
Would Stephanie Meyer's hands fit on a cover if posed like that?
Certifiable. Let's chuck tons of apples at her and see if she'll like posing with one then.