Artichoke Farts Will Be The Death Of Brangelina
Finally, a tabloid out there has given us a real Brangelina story to care about. The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) can take the rest of the month off and alert the Pulitzer Prize committee to stop the search for this year's winners, because nothing will top this. The final nail in Brangie's coffin isn't going to be made of the spit from the 187th baby she adopts. No, it's going to be made of Brad Pitt's artichoke farts. Farts will tear us apart!
A source (aka Jennifer Aniston's cat nanny with a voice box) claims that Brad Pitt's new thing is marinating artichokes into vodka for an evening martini (fartini, is more like it). Apparently, the artichokes summon a little rumble down below which causes his butt to burp like a newborn baby. Brad's caca clouds are not only ripping his panties apart, but they are also ripping apart Angie's sanity. The source went on to say “Brad gets some nasty gas from consuming so many artichokes, and it’s driving poor Angelina crazy. It’s gotten so bad that Angie sometimes sleeps in a separate bedroom!”
Who knew that Brad Pitt actually farts. And who also knew that St. Angie's holy nostrils don't filter out anything that smells stank. This is an education in so many ways.
And you know he dutch ovens her....
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Sounds like another job for the Better Marriage Blanket.
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Try eating an entire artichoke. The gas is EPIC. Nom nom nom!
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Good! Why should I be the only one with a gassy ass husband.
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If I have to come back here it's gonna get fuckin ugly.
Why does Brad Pitt always look like a 1970s lounge lizard?
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HOW DAAAAARRRRRREEEE YOU?! Look at my avvie! LOOK AT IT!
Oprah was born to pontificate (and bloviate as well). Her superpowers are located in her hair thankyouverymuch - by But.Seriously.Folks
She fucked Billy Bob. Could his farts smell any worse?
This is news?? Who gives a shit about Brad's gas?!Come on MK , you can do better than this.
BTW, lets get real. This is not the only excuse for Angelina to sleep in separate beds! You really think she wants to climb into her 9ft family bed with 6 kids and him ?? NO. That's what she likes to tell the public so that she looks like the mommy of the year. We all know she needs her peace and quiet and full nights rest. She probably has a quiet room on the opposite side of the master wing .... Brad's gas has nothing to do with why she's already NOT in the bed with him. His apparent BO probably drove her out a long time ago.
Submitted by The It on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 2:40am.
But if he can't leave on his own terms, it speaks volumes that he's a blushing pussy.
I think they're both assholes, but part of me thinks Brad Pitt is the bigger asshole.
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
Nothing quite matches self righteousness for the sake of not being self righteous.
First that hideous scraggly beard, and now hideous farts.
Anybody can guess Brad's trying to be as repulsive and unappealing to Angelina so that she can finally dump his ass and he can be free.
Who knows what other disgusting things Brad's been doing behind closed doors.
Next thing we'll hear is Brad putting Angie's menstrual blood in a vial around his neck. Ew.
I watched "Interview With the Vampire" a few weeks ago.
I never really found Brad Pitt that great looking. He's always had enormous nostrils.
Tom Cruise looked like a lost Hanson brother, but I liked him in that movie. He was a creepy smartass.
Creepy, fat, lonely, and bitter since 2008.
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Submitted by walkabout on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 1:31am.
This will drive Mangelina back to Jenny Shimuzu.
Remember when "Valkyrie" was in production and the extras stood in line formation as servicemen?
And one of the extras farted. Well, it was reported Tommy Girl was so outraged, he promised to find out who the gaseous culprit was?
Nothing further was printed regarding the outcome. (No pun intended).
Tommy Girl was called The Fart Detective for a brief period.
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I'm sure Tommygirl covered his ass and passed out Valkyrie butt plugs at the wrap party.
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“Four be the things I'd be better without; love, curiousity, freckles and doubt.”
This will drive Mangelina back to Jenny Shimuzu.
Remember when "Valkyrie" was in production and the extras stood in line formation as servicemen?
And one of the extras farted. Well, it was reported Tommy Girl was so outraged, he promised to find out who the gaseous culprit was?
Nothing further was printed regarding the outcome. (No pun intended).
Tommy Girl was called The Fart Detective for a brief period.
Ewwww!
I love seafood, but not to drink!
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣
Creepy, fat, lonely, and bitter since 2008.
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I love artichokes, but artichoke martinis sound gross.
Not as gross as a martini I saw on Diners and Dives, or whatever that show is on the FN the other day, a LOBSTER MARTINI.
Vodka, lobster juice and a lobster claw on the glass.
Why not just drink your goldfish bowl?
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“Four be the things I'd be better without; love, curiousity, freckles and doubt.”
Oh, come on now.
Brad Pitt doesn't fart. In fact, it's been twisted up there for five years. With his giant peanut head up there, it's impossible any air would escape anyway.
Do these tightasses ever laugh or joke?
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Creepy, fat, lonely, and bitter since 2008.
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This is a story? These two are not carrying the press as they used to but their lack of discernible personalities could be to blame.
Well someone in that household has to eat something.
"Mah Boo releasing his inner cunt is my porn." MK
Submitted by Neverevenknewhim on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 3:25pm.
Asparagus makes your pee stink BAD - Angie needs to eat some asparagus and have Brad go down on her - it will all be equal then.
This is true! what's up with that? It happens pretty much right after you eat even the smallest quantity of asparagus.
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"Leavin', on a southern train
Only yesterday, you lied
Promises of what I seemed to be
Only watch the time go by
All of these things you said to me"
Submitted by islandgirl on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 4:28pm.
Ahahaha, all this fart talk is making me laugh like a 12-year-old boy. And personally, I find turkey farts much more offensive.
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Seriously ... my cousins and I laugh our asses off whenever we hear the word "fart."
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by joe shmoe on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 5:30pm.
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JOE!! I've been in and out... stuff happening but it's all on the up.
*farts* :)
Well, I'm sending a package to Brad as we speak..
23 hard boiled eggs, three pounds of broccoli, limburger cheese and some slim jims.
Oh, and a whopper with cheese and large onion rings.
that outta help things.
GOD BLESS THE JOLIE SHITS!!!
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Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke
Submitted by islandgirl on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 4:28pm.
Ahahaha, all this fart talk is making me laugh like a 12-year-old boy. And personally, I find turkey farts much more offensive.
This NEVER gets old..
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IG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm snickering too. Where you been, girl?
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Trick Pony
"She is fat and I am cross- eyed with bad skin. We all have flaws. Hers is the fatness."
Angie is just wasting away...go eat a steak and some mashed potatoes.
According to flare of her nostrils in this pic, he just farted.
Ahahaha, all this fart talk is making me laugh like a 12-year-old boy. And personally, I find turkey farts much more offensive.
This NEVER gets old...
http://www.fart-sounds.net/fart_sound_board.htm
has no one in that family heard of bean-o? cheezus.
This is bullshit. Nothing smells worse then little asian kids.
I could eat artichokes every fucking day. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nomalicious.
And Brussel sprouts, those fuckers give you sewer ass.
So who knows if this is true but it might be confusing a few Brangeloonies. It kinds puts a damper on Mr & Mrs Perfect.
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The blissful power of the belly rub:
http://www.youtube.com/user/CASanctuary#p/u/2/jUFt-2y9sz0
Yeah. Sounds true.
:P
Asparagus makes your pee stink BAD - Angie needs to eat some asparagus and have Brad go down on her - it will all be equal then.
So strange, someone asked about artichokes the other night in open post and then I wasted some time talking about how I love them. But hearing about these two having gas issues is one step away from the media strapping on the speshul helmet and riding the little bus with seatbelts.
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Nothing says "real love" like matching mug shots. -Michael Kay
This story is pointless and irrelevant. The point is, I don't see them together this time next year.
it"s not true love until you can enjoy one anothers jenkem farts.
i dutch oven myself
It's a bullshit report to "explain" why they don't sleep together anymore!!!
*coughtcoughbullshitcoughcough*
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It sounds like I'll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery. MK - November 2008
If this is true, which I doubt, what is significant is the amount of drinking Brad is doing. Alcoholism is a very common form of self-medication and escapism from a situation one feels helpless to fix.
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I never said that it was your fault.
I said that I was going to blame you.
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Angelina is too saintly to fire one back at him.
He seems to get the biggest thrill in disappointing her like that yearlong stink (meant to write stint but like our MK says it's a typo and it stays!! :p) with the billy goat beard?! He's saying you can have your stolen cake Ang but ya can't eat it!!
I like this site for it's bitchery and the sometimes Shakesperean take of MK to all things that matter.
But this here is really the pitts (sic). What's next in stupidity? Please do not downgrade this page to the level of a certain Ms. Hilton. Must be slow day.
Oswald Kolle died. He was a German filmmaker who told the public in motion pictures that there's more positions than missionary and that giving a blowjob won't make you being dragged to hell on the spot. As proven on celluloid. His flics were blockbusters. In the 1960's. Something the US can still only dream about. Tits! Cocks! Wives asking "Why do you always finish this quick without thinking about me?" and the males being taken to task.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T152C-3zH-Q&feature=related
Regretfully this is of course tame complying to yt standards. Even in the German news there were hotter bits to see. Enjoy anyway for the splendid set decoration and the dashing Mr. Kolle.
PS. Thanks for the artichoke article.
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Auri sacra fames
Sounds like the average marriage to me...Lord knows i feel like moving out the bedroom every now and then.
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I fixed dinner, i get bottom. I called it!!
If Brad's 'caca clouds' are so bad that Angie has to sleep in the other room, she must be losing sleep over the damage his butt burps are doing to the environment.
Come on! Those are just farts - Montenegro Style!
I want to see the dutch oven video for this pair of high-dee-hoes.
Seriously...Mr.K JUST walked through the door with a Trader Joe's bag WITH ARTICHOKES. I have never seen him eat an artichoke and now this ? I find it all weird and conspiracy theorist. He farts alot anyway so I doubt this will have a big impact.
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and I was helping children in Morocco, it wasn't like a vacation...
Farts are like guns: if utilized responsibly, they are a source of pride and recreation for the entire family; if not they can cause serious injury or even death. I'm sure Brad keeps that in mind whenever it gets breezy down in Fruit of the Loom country.
Wow. He IS human.
Submitted by naylinpalin on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 2:13pm.
America has taken celebrity gossip to a whole new level with this one.
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Right? I can't believe this is an actual story. Even for The Enquirer. This gives brand new meaning to slow news day.
so now it's "poor Angelina"?
Please, I beg to diffa MK, The National Intruder is only good for wiping Paris Hilton bum
Two posts on here got me thinking why no one ever brings out the fact that Pitt doesn't have his own personality. Is he so untouchable that no one finds it odd that his personality changes with his girlfriends? Ugh nothing's worse than a man that doesn't have his own identity. Those are some self esteem issues.