The Gay: It's In Juice Boxes!
You know the tiny straw you're sucking on right now that is shoved into the hole of a Juicy Juice box? Well, that is the SOLE reason for why your prostate or clitoris clenches whenever you see someone of the same sex with hard nipples. And you thought you were just watching too much Bravo. Nope, that straw is like a dick full of homosexuality just waiting to fill your insides with THE GAY! This is what completely sane radio host Alex Jones thinks and it makes all kinds of sense to me!
Lately, I've been feeling that my gay tank just isn't filled to the top. I've tried everything. I've worn flip flops with my skinny jeans and even recited several lines from Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. Nothing. But now thanks to Alex Jones, I have the answer! All I have to do is line up a bunch of Apple & Eves and suck those bitches off one after the other until the rainbow-covered gayness comes galloping into my system at full steam!
Although, I don't want to go too wild! Because Alex says if that I drink too many juices boxes I'll start wearing short skirts and lipstick. Then I'll eventually get myself a baby and put together a garden of roses. And you know what will happen after that? Mel Gibson will tell me to blow him in the jacuzzi. Yeah, I don't want to go that far. I better monitor my Juicy Juice intake from now on so it keeps at the perfect level of gayness. Thanks, Alex!