And Twitter Will Explode In.....
Star Magazine is really trying to make the "Ashton Kutcher is the new Vanilla Gorilla" thing happen. A couple of weeks ago, Star tried to expose Ashton's wayward wang by publishing a story about him making out with some blonde at a restaurant in L.A. Ashton responded via his official rep, the Twitter Bird, by threatening to sue the dick out of Star. Demi Moore backed her husband up and later channeled her inner 18-year-old MySpace slut by Tweeting pictures of her bikini body.
Well, Demi better get her builders grade body in front of the nearest bathroom mirror, because Star has stepped it up. In this week's cover story, Star has a first-ho account from a 21-year-old who claims she met Ashton at a bowling alley in L.A. and later licked dried douche water off his peen.
The trick tells Star that Ashton picked her up at Lucky Strike Lanes while he was with Demi and Tater Head. Ashton and the trick started talking and she eventually slipped him her number. Ashton invited her to his house a few days later when Demi was out of town. Since Ashton is a devoted husband, he didn't bone his temporary side-piece in the bed he shares with Demi. No, he took his acts of illegal sluttery to the couch! The girl went on to say, “I felt totally comfortable in his arms. It was tender and nice — not some random sex act.”
Comfortable in his arms?! BITCH, you weren't slow dancing to a Michael Bolton song at your prom. You were straight up getting down-low dicked by a married asshole on his couch. If you went up to "Random Sex" on a street corner, handed it an Etch-A-Sketch and asked it to draw a picture that best describes it, it would sketch Ashton fucking this girl on his sofa. Ridiculous.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this was part of some ingenious viral marketing campaign from Twitter. Ashton is a cheat headlines = hundreds of Tweets from Demi & Ashton = more followers = more hits. Well played, Twitter Whale!
And if this is true, then at least Demi knows why her sofa always smells like egg burritos.