That's That: Tiger & Elin Are Officially Divorced
Tiger Woods no longer has to worry about cleaning his mistress' pussy juices off of his wandering peen in the sink of a gas station before he comes home, because now that he's divorced he can proudly do all of his ho shit out in the open! Elin Nordegren's lawyer issued a statement to People confirming that her marriage to Tiger is now lying next to Mindy Lawton's used tampon in the parking lot of a Waffle House.
"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.
Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."
Elin and Tiger battled it out behind closed doors before they filed for divorce, so nobody knows the details of her settlement. The rumor is that Elin is rolling around in a bed covered in at least 100 million dollar bills. A source also says that Tiger and Elin will share custody of their two kids.
This is a triumphant day for Elin, and you might think this is also panty creaming news for cocktail waitresses in the Orlando area, but it's not. Gold digging hos are crying, because the days of getting five figures from The Insider for an "I Fucked A Married Tiger Woods" interview are over. Now that he's single, boning Tiger will only get you an appointment card at the free clinic.