Sexual Napalm Is Boning Another Football Player
Jessica Simpson, the wide receiver for Papa Joe's 69ers, and Eric Johnson, the former tight end for the 49ers, have reportedly been bumping fuck parts since May. TMZ has it on good authority (hint: Papa Joe slipped a note under Harvey Levin's protein shake at the gym) that Jessica and Eric are "very happy." Eric used to be married, but he filed for divorce from his wife this past February.
Ken Paves is probably sick of Chestica crashing his dates by showing up on his door with an Entenmann's cake and a SATC box set. So for the sake of Ken Paves' expertly bleached b-hole, I hope this new relationship works out for her so it gives that bitch someone to do. And it will work if Eric doesn't mind it too much when Papa Joe stares at Chestica's chichis while slowly licking the butter on a kaiser roll during dinner. Hopefully, Eric is okay with being the Marilyn of that crazy family.
Here's Chestica Spanxing for her life with creepy Papa Joe at the opening of the Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia on Friday.
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I agree that she is in need of a stylist. Her clothing/shoe/accessory line is worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Use that dough to buy a new wardrobe that is flattering to your natural figure.
Life Is...Too Short
Sorry...I am no Skinny Minny, but I think she looks overweight. And, to paraphrase A.cotw, those big brown eyes look like there isn't an intelligent thought behind them.
"Jessica Simpson, the wide receiver for Papa Joe's 69ers..."
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Oh SHIT, MK is in rare form today!
ETA: this bitch was on Oprah yesterday, saying she's never been bigger than a size 6, and is a size 4 now. Yes it was a WTF moment.
Okay, I saw her on Oprah yesterday and she claims that the photo of her wearing those "mom jeans" last year, and those jeans were a size 4. She also claims that she is a size 4 NOW. What a bullshit artist. If she's a size 4, I will eat Joe's poops.
Good Lord, sluts!
The girl is NOT fat, but...
When your (non)career is based almost entirely on your looks, then by that definition, she IS fat.
If she had tried to hone her talent (whatever that allegedly IS), people would not throw her so much shade.
But, no, this chicken of the sea, uneducated, Texas trick settled for a GED and now we are all forced to see her in our magazines just because she fucked a boy band!
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MK,you are bad to the motherfucking bone. You outdid yourself with this post.
The comments made my evening.Excruciatingly funny. Literally. Simultaneous migraine & neuralgic headache thanks to the weather and all those God damned fireworks. well,the hallucinations have stopped.I wasn't surprised that some of the men here said that Jessica isn't fat,or that she's fuckable-men are never as cruel as women are in evaluating women's bodies. So some positive comments from women about this silly creature's form were cool. Thanks for cheering up an ex-bulimic,ladies!Suggestions about losing Rx side effect weight are also welcome.:P
Her face is pretty;wish I had a cleft chin to match my widow's peak as she does.Her clothing is horrible.Angel_ I is correct-some plump women can look great .The only criticism I have of her looks is that those great brown eyes don't look intelligent.
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READ SUBVERSIVE BOOKS.
Submitted by z-listed on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 11:05pm.
Jessica Simpson makes me want to vomit.
Papa Joe Simpson makes me want to commit murder.
Why is she relevant? She can't sing (even cuntry) She can't act (all her movies bomb) and her VH1 show about beauty was a disaster (canceled
Well yes...but I heard she is sexual napalm...that's got to be worth something!
Not really fat Jessica should really just concentrate on getting married and having a bunch of kids.
Very well said, Tripitaka. You forgot to mention one thing though: She is now filthy rich because of greed. This family has no morals. They will sell you anything just to make a buck. Her so-called "fashion lines" are taking away from the real designers and entrepenuers. She entered into an already oversaturated market and slaps her name on anything: clothes, perfume, jewelry, LUGGAGE for God's sake. The last thing this world needed is another shoe line. Are there really people out there going: Gee, I couldn't find any shoes before Jessica Simpson's came out? And she does nothing other than lend her name to these ventures. In the meantime, all of the other legitimate lines are taking second place. The only reason her lines sell is because THEY ARE IN MACY'S. Her shoes are smack in the middle of the Steve Madden and Nine West displays. People don't know they are buying her stuff. The sad part is, with all this money she should be heavily involved in lots of charities - not just showing up to an Operation Smile event every now and then. That is the real sign of lazy, uncultured American greed.
lol
team bbw
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"Golf fans are the biggest fucking idiots in the world"- Scott Ferrall
Jessica Simpson makes me want to vomit.
Papa Joe Simpson makes me want to commit murder.
Why is she relevant? She can't sing (even cuntry) She can't act (all her movies bomb) and her VH1 show about beauty was a disaster (canceled)
There is nowhere left for her to fail!
Ugh. When you KNOW there are all these cameras around you, why the hell would you wear something you can't breathe in? The dress is cute, but not for someone who needs to wear things that ADD neck. I really don't get people who can't look in the mirror and see when an outfit doesn't look good. They usually seem to be girls who get laid a lot/think they're way hot and anything will look good. Nothing wrong with good self esteem/feeling good with your curves (I'm average sized myself), but get over yourself and stop putting these tight-ass clothes on that completely detract from your "omg, I feel great about my body" comments because you look so damn uncomfortable. Having grown up in Texas, I see a lot of girls like this-curvy, nice figured, but wear tight-ass shit because it gets them dick. And then they complain they can never have a serious relationship. Revealing your body does not=boyfriend, and this "good, Christian" girl should know better. Okay, end of rant.
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"When you lay down with dogs, you're bound to get some fleas, girlfriend."
-Submitted by hollie. on Fri, 05/21/2010 - 2:20pm.
Waitjustonearyannationminute... does Jessica Simpson only date gay white football players???
Tony Romo, this guy, the list goes on and on...
Seems suspicious to me
Jessica isn't fat, but she has the shoulders of a linebacker and no neck, and her unfortunate wardrobe choices accentuate the wrong features. Also, when she puts on any weight, her face gets puffy.
Re: Papa Joe, I have a bunch of male friends with daughters, and if anyone said the things about their daughters he's said publicly about Jess, they'd go after the guy with a shotgun. I predict that after PJ dies, Ashlee will come out with a tell-all book revealing what we're all pretty sure about anyway, and Jess and Tina (that's Mom's name, right?) will cut her off. I also think Ashlee isn't Joe's kid--she doesn't look anything like him or Jess.
Submitted by Spiffy McSpitshine on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 9:13pm
I agree with you. At 30 she shouldn't have to be a size 2. I actually like this outfit on her. I don't see any extra cleavage or g strings or other personal body parts.
Beth Ditto....now that is over weight, no matter how talented a singer you are.
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He kinda reminds me of Ron Jeremy, but...not as classy! - Submitted by david Letterman
I have enough to re-name you Betty Crackwhore! - Submitted by TheBreakdown
Fuckin gross
she looks like a Sargento Cheese stick id pick up at Target
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 5:19pm.
What she gonna do with all that chunk
all that junk inside her trunk
She gonna get get get get you skunked
get you love skunked off her chunk
her chunk her chunk her chunk her chunk her chunk
her chunk her chunk her thick ass gravy lumps
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Break it down!
I eat cheese grits daily
They drive me really crazy
French Fries, pizza, love them tacos
Burgers, wings, a plate of nachos!
And then I try some fakin'
My Spanx just keep on breakin'
Girdles, bras, and control tops;
Suck it in and hope it don't pop!
My chunk, my chunk....
♥ Threadkilla!
"How does one go from the Air Force to the Bunny Ranch?"
O - it's only, like, an hour away." ~Judge Jeanine Pirro and complainant.
Talk Yuh Talk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEH-v5dxdhQ
To me there is a difference between overweight and a having a regular healthy, womanly full figure. She's the latter for me, she's got a bomb bod. Besides, she's 30, being bone thin at 30 is just plain unnatural. HOWEVER, she always wears the most ill-fitting, unflattering outfits. If you look at her face, she's grimacing in pain. You can just tell she's having a hard time moving and breathing. FIRE THE STYLIST.
Why does she date the most boring, vanilla looking nimrods with commitment issues? I know she's not Einstein, but shit girl...fish a little harder.
Nothing is more important in this world than lookin' spiffy
what a skeez, passing herself around the locker room from one loser to another just to get a little publicity for her failed "career"
Skanky "Chestica" McSkeez
p.s. Eric: she's fighting some mean lardass genes - it's only a matter of time before she loses that fight ... is that what you're looking for?
20 lbs. of shit in a 10 lb. bag- NEXT!
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It is possible blondes also prefer gentlemen. -Mamie Van Doren
She appears to be morphing into Dolly Parton, pre-weightloss era.
that dress is awful. shes in size denial.
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"This is straight up fuckery."
His Holiness MK, 9/03/08
That is one fat unattractive chick in an ugly dress...
The third thumnail screams 'ANNA NICOLE..."
Bitch on the threshold for obesity...She can deny it all she want...So did ANNA NICOLE...
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Jessica is turning 30 on July 10. Aging is not going well for her... even with all the treatments and procedures (including several sets of implants over the years)... poor chunky cookie dough...
Jessica is such a neckface. Straight head and shoulders on that b.
Only stick thing people look good in spandex.
I've always had a soft spot for Jessica Simpson. That will not, howwever, prevent me from saying that she looks like a cookie dough tube with someone trying to shove all the dough back in.
Mmmmm. Cookie dough.
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And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an us. I'd best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love, I'm the only one in love.
Adele, "Heart to Stone"
She's a former tight end too, so they are the perfect goddamn combination!
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The former tight end???
Ha ha, football's so gay...
Go Vikings
Someone got a new bedazzler.
The girl is not fat by any means, but what the hell happened to her neck? And seriously, I was a devoted "Newlyweds" fan and she did NOT have those cans when that show was on. Since she has not really gained THAT much weight since the show, I am wondering what the hell the cans are all about.
And the dress and the father? Well, there are no words for either of those. Except the dress=Sherman Oaks Prom; which I guess appropriate for the opening of a resort in fucking West Virginia. Really? What the fuck kind of "event" is that?
And a recently divorced FORMER NFL player? Way to go Jess. We will go ahead and put him in the Romo, Mayer, Margera shite pile along with what is left of your common damn sense.
-"Well, should we get more coffee or get two guns and shoot ourselves?"
Submitted by .Child. on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 1:54pm.
is sexual napalm a compliment or insult?
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Considering all her crotch critters & STD's, I'd say an insult. Maybe she made John's dick feel like it had been hit with Agent Orange.
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It is possible blondes also prefer gentlemen. -Mamie Van Doren
I spy spanx! It must be like cuddling up to a suit of armour.
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Never never never never never!
What she gonna do with all that chunk
all that junk inside her trunk
She gonna get get get get you skunked
get you love skunked off her chunk
her chunk her chunk her chunk her chunk her chunk
her chunk her chunk her thick ass gravy lumps
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by Tripitaka on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 3:43pm.
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Tripitaka, I think I love you <3
Bib-tittied talentless frogs never change.
The last good looking man Jessica Simpson had was Nick Lachey.
somebody is on the all twinkie diet...
"But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?"
"Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby..."
http://store.mysurface.org
Submitted by .Child. on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 1:54pm.
is sexual napalm a compliment or insult?
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Good question. She explodes during sex and scorches the life out of all living things around her? Suxay! John Mayer made the comment and he's a self-serving big-mouth so who knows?
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Never never never never never!
Her face is definitely fug, as is that plastic animal wig she can't go without wearing on her head. I don't understand why people always defend her as cute and harmless though. Being stupid and ignorant at 30 isn't cute, and only she wold act like it was, most people would be embarassed by similar behavior. Her career also now partly relies on talking about farts and not brushing her teeth to the tabs, which is gross and sad on any level.
And this all ignores her real problem, which is that she is a lying, fake bitch that will do or say anything for money. Lets not forget during her fake,"I'm a country singer now, so I was abused" period she got on stage and told abused women to "walk away in a pair of Jessica Simpson boots, (giggle)". And she also recently described her offensive reality disaster, which was basically her travelling the world to laugh at other cultures, as "missionary work."
SO yeh, she's a bitch, a jealous bitch when it comes to her loser men and a bitch with an ugly man face, plastic hair and a fat stumpy body. She's also a secret alcoholic. The only difference between her and Britney is that Britney had fans and some talent. She was also never on Disney, even they rejected her useless ass.
Isnt she about 5 feet high?
That dress is not helping although I bet Papa Joes enjoying looking at her tits encased like a sausage skin....
Tell me again what she can do talent wise except not know the difference between tuna and chicken and apparently fuck really well?
She just needs to find herself a jock and sit at home in Texas and knock out babies-I mean she completely inoffensive to me unlike some of the others hanging around and seems kind of sweet really-seems like she just wants a good man but with the reputation of being sexual napalm will they stick around long enough after theyve got bored of the taste if you know what I mean...
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
This one has never really bothered me...at all. She minds her business unlike the rest of these foolios. She is not fat (?!), just heavier than before...and she was never meant to be that super thin to begin with. Her boobs make her look sooo much bigger, IMO...if I were her, I'd think about reduction unless she's content to starve herself. The dress is obviously horribly unflattering. If she has a stylist, time for a new one.
Submitted by Kerfuffles on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 2:45pm.
Any straight males/lezzies in here want to explain me what is Jessica Simpson's appeal? Is it the jugs? It gotta be the jugs, homegirl is unfortunate on the face department. Still, bet you I could find you plenty of girls more attractive than Jessica with equally nice boobs.
Well....i just think her face is really cute plus i like brown eyed blondes. She never does gross things that land in the news...also, yeah, weight or not i would in a heartbeat! Nothing bad here!
Submitted by Kerfuffles on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 2:45pm.
Any straight males/lezzies in here want to explain me what is Jessica Simpson's appeal? Is it the jugs? It gotta be the jugs, homegirl is unfortunate on the face department. Still, bet you I could find you plenty of girls more attractive than Jessica with equally nice boobs.
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Two adjectives: Rich and Easy.
Submitted by Norwaygirl on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 12:55pm.
This is what you call fat? Wow. The dress and face is ugly, but the body is delicious.
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Her Proactiv commercial photos are nasty! As for the body, she just needs to embrace the gospel-esque singer body and wear gowns. The pattern on that dress looks like a city skyline.
Any straight males/lezzies in here want to explain me what is Jessica Simpson's appeal? Is it the jugs? It gotta be the jugs, homegirl is unfortunate on the face department. Still, bet you I could find you plenty of girls more attractive than Jessica with equally nice boobs.
My God, those are Lucite Heels?!(they deserve proper noun respect)
It's almost like MK didn't notice...
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by LisaRose on Mon, 07/05/2010 - 1:48pm.
I REALLY hope she finds true love! She deserves to be happy and I think she's grown since her Nick days._She's rich and spoiled but GOOD and GOOD is what matters! :)
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Good? Good at having sex with any man she meets & being able to finish off half a cow in a sitting maybe.
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It is possible blondes also prefer gentlemen. -Mamie Van Doren
She looks like shit. When you're that full figured don't wear bold prints.
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"This is America Liz, none of us belong here."
Her neck has disappeared into her chest but, apart from that, she actually looks quite nice here. Nice body. Bitch.