Vienna Sausage & Bachelor Jake Weren't Boning
Vienna Sausage and Jake Pavelka of The Bachelor are going to ride this attention whore Winnebago all the way to the edge and even after they crash and burn at the bottom, they are going to keep hitting the gas (don't call AAA when that happens), because this is probably the most attention they are ever going to get. So that's why hours after it was announced that Vienna and Jake quit each other, she was already on the cover of Star Magazine farting about why she dumped him. According to Vienna, even though they lived together for months their genitals never touched. Vienna says that every time she batted one of her cock eyes at him, Jake's peen crawled into his thighs to escape her. And even when she offered to eat his tuck area out, he still made excuses.
Vienna tells Star, "We haven't been intimate in months now. More than four months. At first his excuse was that he was fasting. The second excuse was that he didn’t feel like it. And the third excuse was that he said that he felt that I wouldn’t understand that he wants to wait until marriage, even though I told him I’d support him. Then the last excuse was that we fight so much that I push him away. I was like, really — which excuse is it? I literally have been living six months with this guy who won’t be intimate with me! He kisses me only if we’re on a red carpet or if cameras are there. Besides that, I have to ask for a kiss — and if I do he’ll pucker his lips and just peck me. I’m like, that’s how I kiss my grandmother!”
Excuse #5: He has working eyes and a weak stomach. Excuse #6: He's GAY, bitch!
Okay, the truth is that I'm probably the only one standing in the "I don't think Jake's asshole barks for dick" section while most of you are sitting in the "Yes, it does" section. Actually, I think more of you are in the "I'm really trying to care, but nothing is coming out" section.
If Jake really was a peen lover, he would've picked one of those other girls who look like they've never seen a real-life dick let alone touched one. Jake wasn't dicking Vienna, because he was too busy jacking off to himself in front of a mirror in the bathroom. Bitch loves himself too much. If Vienna wore a Jake mask, maybe she would've got a piece from him.