America's Favorite Little Pill Popper Returns To American Idol!
For me this season of American Idol was like that fuck buddy who is the laziest lay and takes years to cum, but you always call them up on a Saturday night when you're feeling the itch because you know they're always around and ready to go. I tried to get into that shit. I sucked my bong until it was filled with tumbleweeds while watching it, but even that didn't work. Something was missing....and that something was every pharmaceutical executive's wet dream girl Paula Abdul!
How could I deal with Ellen Degeneres (aka the nail in the coffin) blinking like a brain dead bunny with Tourettes without Paula Abdul there to get me contact high? But Paula returned to the Idol stage last night after the producers left a trail of Ludes from her bathroom to the studio! Paula showed up in Skat Cat jammies, but the costumers were able to throw a dress together using some scraps found in Crystal Bowersox's dreads and a few pasties from Simon Cowell's dressing room. Speaking of Simon, he is the sole reason for why Paula dragged herself out of the pill bottle last night.
It was Simon's last episode and Paula gave a touching farewell speech that you could only understand if you put an empty whiskey bottle up the screen and put your ear to it. At one point, I thought Paula was going to go off script and start telling off all the producers who evicted her from the show. I thought it was going to be one of those "YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS" moments which would lead to two men in white coats (Ruben and Justin Guarini, because they need the money) rushing on stage and injecting her with a strong sedative (aka Kara Dioshutthefuckup's saliva).
Sadly, that didn't happen, but Paula still managed to put together an incoherent rambling mess of a goodbye monologue. Watch it below. By the way, the video is totally in synch with the audio. It's Paula's mouth and words that are not in synch:
As for the rest of the episode, it was like the worst Jerry Lewis telethon ever complete with sickly kids (I'm looking at you, Archuleta). Some dude named Lee DeWyze won that shit. Lee is like the mulch you get when you leave David Cook and Kris Allen in your backyard compost pile for a few months, so at least Idol is consistent with their winners.
Personally, I wanted Crystal to win, only because she looks like Taylor Swift's crazy aunt who lives in a mobile home behind a Piggly Wiggly and is always going on about her magic stones. That aunt who is always begging Taylor to buy her 100 lottery tickets, because she saw the winning numbers in the toilet while trying to make sure she's shitting out banana-shaped poops.
So that's that. I'm telling myself that the entire season was just a horrific nightmare Paula Abdul had while she was in a Vicodin-induced coma. If you pan out, you'll see Vincent the Dog lying next to her.
• 
Paula Abdul is SO self centered......shut up about yourself and get off the fucking stage already.
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Never go with a Hippy to a Second Location
Kim Fowley, former manager for The Runaways (Joan Jett's old band).
HE should be the one to replace Simon Cowell!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1WIHzc3Wq4
http://www.myspace.com/kimfowley
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I think Paula looks adorable...very sweet dress, great color for her.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI1fBTjAIOk
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away." ~Phyllis Diller~
I don't know how the hell these producers thought that Kira woman was better than Paula. Makes no fucking sense. She wasn't funny, and her goal was to show off her tight abs. She's been poison for the show since she got there, and Paula's firing also reeked of sexism. Her salary was atrociously lower than Simon's, and I guess she proved that she was a big draw, esp. now that she's producing her own show.
Wow, I can't believe I just typed a thesis paragraph on this now shit show, but I gotta shout out to my Paula!
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"When you lay down with dogs, you're bound to get some fleas, girlfriend."
-Submitted by hollie. on Fri, 05/21/2010 - 2:20pm.
I thought she was going to ask for her birth control pills back from Ryan.
Paula looks so pretty
I thought she was going to sing. Wasn't she a singer? Lame.
Snideychick sez:
Other than the goofy dress, Paula looked good.
I'm okay with Dweezy winning because I picked him as the winner when it was the final 12. Now my hubby is getting me a pair of diamond inside/out hoop earrings that I've been coveting. Just relieved Siobahn didn't win, otherwise I'd be giving B.J.'s till my lips fell off!
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Satchels of Gold
I didn't vote or even pay much attention this year. But I watch FOX alot so it's impossible to avoid it. Crystal has a future in music and Lee really doesn't. Did anyone else notice that David Cook wasn't there with the rest of the past AI winners? What makes him so GD special that ungrateful little effer? Anywho, Janet looks really good but her voice is so deep now, she doesn't sound at all like she did 10 years or more ago. I caught that and the Joe Cocker performance. I have to say, Joe looked awesome. My mom was probably losing her marble last night cuz she loves Joe. I agree AI is kaput without Simon. RIP AI, you WONT be missed! Paula is so much fun, I want her to adopt me.
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Jerry Lewis telethon??? I love Michael K!!!
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Allez, venez, Milord!
Vous asseoir ma table;
Il fait si froid, dehors,
Ici c'est confortable
Submitted by sugar free on Thu, 05/27/2010 - 11:17am.
random thoughts on AI:
On American Idol
I can't believe they dug up Alice Cooper for this!!
Orianthi A+....Alice Coopper F for singing!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giEFZVY-VYw
i noticed this last night - is simon a little wonky in one eye?
Janet performed on AI last night. What do you guys think of Janet's new natural short hair? I think she looks great.
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Don't hate me cause I'm DLeautiful
random thoughts on AI:
1) the chemistry between Simon & Paula is undeniable.
2) Simon looks hotter now than in the early days. or maybe it's his money that's more attractive?
3) Alice Cooper on AI?!
4) which was worse....Dane Cook & the AI reject pulling a Kanye or Alanis Morrisette's stomping-on-stage "performance"?
5) JJ's new do looks better on Halle Berry.
6) ALICE COOPER ON AI???!!!
R.I.P
American Idol
2002-2010
People still watch this ish?
I am lucky to not have heard any of this season's so-called singers.
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Facebook: Triston
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I couldnt have said it better! This show will end now so makes no sense saying it needs to end! That shit was soooo slow and depressing! This season sucked I dont really watch much after the first auditions anyway. They drag it out so much its annoying!
Put a fork in this franchise, Idol is OVER, and there's no coming back from this craptastic season.
Time for this show to fucking DIE.
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19 Cats and Counting!
THE FULL RELEASE LOOP
What the underlying loop inside all of this really is
1974 someone used satellite time and brain cephalics (same thing), to view me, in 19764, in walking with my
I loved seeing ol' "Seal Clap" last night. She was the highlight of the show to me.
This show is going to suck goat cock (sorry to scare ya Adrian Brody) with out Simon and Paula.
If that rummor about Fat Fuck Hilton replacing Simon is true .... fuck that mess.
I love the dress but not the Pepto-Bismol color.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
"You, sir, have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk."
I saw this tragedy last night and no doubt this bitch was high on something. She probably popped like 4 different pills and a shot of whiskey. Crazy ass didn't disappoint.
Oh, and that Lee guy winning (barf) is a joke. There is something completely wrong with this country. The same people that listen to Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber vote on this show.
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Don't hate me cause I'm DLeautiful
Submitted by FilthyBitch on Thu, 05/27/2010 - 9:23am.
I swear I think they cut Paula off - she was in the middle of talking nonsense and just POOF a video started playing.
Funny shit.
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I caught that too. Paula was SO trying to make it all about HER. Did you notice how she kept trying to hug Simon as he gave his farewell?
I watched the whole season, and I agree that Crystal was ripped off, (although I'm sure she'll do well). I think the difference was that she didn't have an army of teeny-boppers voting for her 1000 times. Lee WAS most improved, and he's grown on me over the season.
As for the show itself, I was SO embarrassed for Alice Cooper. That was the tamest, most white bread AWFUL version of "School's Out" ever. You'd think the Idol contestants LIKE school. Pfft.
What struck me about this year's contestants, (especially the last three), was how genuinely nice and humble they were. I guess these days that's "boring".
Lastly, I will miss Simon. Say what you will, but when he gives a compliment, it's REAL. With no Simon, I can't see myself watching A-I next year.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
I did not watch one show of AI this season, and I am damn proud to say it.
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Once my lover, now my friend....what a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, now my friend
-Fiona Apple "Shadowboxer"
Bret Michaels.
The rest of the show is a bad memory, except him.
Submitted by EvilShoe on Thu, 05/27/2010 - 9:44am.
*looks at Raul's avie*
I love you!
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Raul will be over later to pump his mud into your well. *********************************************************************************************** "You are fucking bitches, this is my prom"
*looks at Raul's avie*
I love you!
___________________________
Curtsy, motherfuckers! MK
I liked Paula's dress. That's it really.
Submitted by megank on Thu, 05/27/2010 - 9:23am.
I didn't watch this season because Paula left and I can't stand Kara. They need to just cancel AI since Simon is leaving. They can do everyone a favor.
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I agree! For the most part networks and producers never know when to just end a show before it starts getting old and steal. They beat shows to death and ride them into the ground.
~~Submitted by No Words on Tue, 05/25/2010 - 10:06pm.
People are tired of this shit night after night...we come here to escape from the minutiae of our daily lives...if I wanted to hear crazy people spout insanity, I would call my mother-
She is still angry and I wish she had told them to F themselves. And by the way, I still want my lip gloss back.
It's not so much the producers who pick the winners as it is the voting public. Face it, the majority of the voters are teenage girls and soccer moms.
A woman could sing like Streisand or Aretha and she wouldn't win if her competition is a handsome guy with a nice smile who loves his mom.
paula's speech was understandable...she only had one moment in which she started slurring words...i could understand most of it...
i miss paula...the show's been over since she left for me :(
Submitted by LisaRose on Thu, 05/27/2010 - 9:12am.
I think from now on second place actually means the winner. Sheesh.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
True. actually, except Kelly Clarkson, I think most of the runner ups end up to be the winner in the music industry..
MK thank you for this post really. I have such a horrible day (and it's only 10.40) and you make me smile. I hope more good things come to me after your wonderful posts.
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I will not come home drunk
I will not come home drunk
I willnt come hom drunk
I willna brom hom drunk
I wina dunk hum brump
That post was one of your finest moments, MK.
I wanted Crystal to win, but I'm not surprised she didn't; AI always picks the lamest, most vanilla acts to win (with the exception of Kelly, I still love her). Come on - David Cook, Kris Allen, Lee Whateverhisnameis? BOR-ING!
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"Here comes the fiesta, bitch!"
Raul turn it on just long enough to sniff Xtina's Cameltoe then went right back to Sports Center. *********************************************************************************************** "You are fucking bitches, this is my prom"
I swear I think they cut Paula off - she was in the middle of talking nonsense and just POOF a video started playing.
Funny shit.
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Doctors, soldiers, actors,lawyer,why not a fuker?? FUKER: the most fashionable and the most profitable work!!!!.... Spammer (probably EH or just a floozy)
I didn't watch this season because Paula left and I can't stand Kara. They need to just cancel AI since Simon is leaving. They can do everyone a favor.
You're in good form today, Mr. K.
bye bye American Idol.. really, what is the point now?
Hey that Crystal chick stole the infamous brown boots from Britney's batshit crazy period. I had to shut it down during her yodelling match with Alanis.
Submitted by jian56 on Thu, 05/27/2010 - 9:08am.
GO BACK TO THE FLEA MARKET YOU SHIT PEDDLIN' SLORE!*********************************************************************************************** "You are fucking bitches, this is my prom"
i only watched it for this hot pink mess in the video and she didn't disappoint . "the real reason why they wanted me here was to tell all of you why i really left" i hoped for kanye to come out and snatch her mic afterwards but nope...did anybody find janet jackson as sleep-inducing as me? she looked like she had been indulging in paula's candies backstage before coming out?
I think from now on second place actually means the winner. Sheesh.
this whole post had me in tears from LMMFAO!!
"blinking like a brain dead bunny with Tourettes" aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaahhhahhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"Your appalling choice in women is well-known to us dlisters." Momus
LMFAO at the last paragraph.
First year I did not watch, but I still love Simon!
"motherfucker, I lick pits for a living" Sucky 12/14/2009
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever
LawDog 04/15/2010 Who DOESN'T enjoy a gang bang? WTF
Crystal was robbed! Absolutely love her freaky-cool voice. Seems like a genuinely nice person, too. Best of luck to her, she will do well. That said, your "Taylor Swift's crazy aunt" description had my daughter and I nearly peeing in our pants this morning....great way to start the day! As always, thanks for the laughs, MK....love you, Beezy :P
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Jean(True Religion,ed hardy,coogi) $30
Sunglasses(Oakey,coach,gucci,A r m a i n i) $15
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Ugh, as someone who in fact watched this entire season, it was sooooooooooooo boring.
Siobhan was a glimmer of crazy but her ass got booted.
Bret Michaels was the HI-LITE for me, unexpected.
I flipped back & forth during "Criminal Minds" and of course kept a ternado vigil...
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I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
Whatever. Raul wants the Donkey Punch rather than this. http://thechive.com/2010/05/26/daily-afternoon-randomness-32-photos-5/to... *********************************************************************************************** "You are fucking bitches, this is my prom"