We All Wish We Were Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney is the luckiest wheezy old goat "alive"!!!! Andy doesn't have to bother with an annoying toilet, because he can easily just go caca in his pappy pampers whenever he wants. Andy doesn't have to overwork his jaw by chewing on solid foods, because he only swallows pureed pumpkin from a Steamboat Willy sippy cup. Andy doesn't have to deal with annoying ass bitches in the outside world, because he never EVER leaves his desk. Andy doesn't have to fantasize about softly stroking Anderson Cooper's silvery landing strip, because he's got two of them over his eyes!
But what really makes Andy the luckiest geezer alive is that he has no idea what a Lady Gaga or a Justin Bieber is! Why can't we all be 550-years-old like Andy!