To Divorce Or Not To Divorce
Page Six brings us this story about how Chynna Phillips filed for divorce from Billy Baldwin on Friday, but withdrew the documents yesterday after she had a change of heart. This just your regular "wife files for divorce, talks to her business manager, withdraws divorce" story. So since all I've got is time, I'm going to try to tell it using the title of every single Wilson Phillips song (covers not included) from their first two albums. Yes, I own all their albums. Yes, I am officially your mother, so send me a card (E-Cards don't count) on Mother's Day or I'll go into your old room to weep into your baby blanket.
This post isn't going to make any sense, but my posts never do so you're probably already used to that. Here we go!!!
Chynna Phillips checked into rehab for anxiety early last week, because IT'S ONLY LIFE. Five days later, Chynna shuffled up to the receptionist at rehab and said, "RELEASE ME." Once Chynna finished signing her exit papers, she turned to the receptionist, bowed and proclaimed, "GOODBYE CARMEN, I'm all FUELED FOR HOUSTON." Technically, Chynna was going back to Santa Barbara, but she's been a little spastic lately so she sometimes has no idea what she's saying.
When she got home, Chynna called her husband Billy and asked him, "WHERE ARE YOU?" Billy told Chynna that he's in NYC filming Gossip Girl. Chynna was feeling a little ALONE, so she asked Billy if he would come ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK to see her. Billy told Chynna that he couldn't, but to HOLD ON for one more day because he'd be with her soon.
After Chynna hung up with her husband, she felt like she didn't have A REASON TO BELIEVE their love would make it anymore. So Chynna called her lawyer to file for divorce. Chynna had to call him OVER AND OVER again, because the line was busy for some reason. When Chynna finally got through, she told her lawyer that she needed to divorce Billy. Chynna cried to her lawyer that she's only FLESH AND BLOOD and it was time to GIVE IT UP. Chynna's lawyer responded by saying, "I HEAR YOU." And with that, Chynna's lawyer submitted the divorce papers to be filed in a Santa Barbara court.
Billy immediately Skyped Chynna when he found out what she just did. They argued for a few minutes and Billy begged Chynna, "Please don't RELEASE ME." Chynna couldn't take it anymore and logged off after saying, "YOU WON'T SEE ME CRY, Billy!"
Chynna ran off to bawl into her bed sheets. When she wiped her eyes on the pillow case, she looked up and stared at a beautiful picture of Billy on their wedding day. Chynna realized she was just being IMPULSIVE and told herself, "Chynna, YOU'RE IN LOVE. That's the way it should be." So with that, Chynna grabbed her coat and got into her car to drive to the court house. But there was a tiny problem. Chynna's car was out of gas.
Instead of wasting time calling AAA, she put on her Easy Spirits and started to run to court. When a guy on a bike noticed she was in a hurry, he told her to hop on and he'd give her a ride. Chynna was so excited to get to the court house that she kept pulling on her savior's jacket too hard. He kept having to shout at her, "DON'T TAKE ME DOWN or you'll go down too!" Once they got to the court house, Chynna hugged her savior and said, "OOH YOU'RE GOLDEN!" Dude rolled his eyes at her, because he was annoyed that she kept pulling at his jacket like an idiot.
Just as a court clerk was about to file Chynna's divorce papers, she yelled at him to stop. The clerk turned around, gave Chynna the sex eye and puckered his lips at her. The court clerk had EYES LIKE TWINS. Skeezy twins, that is. Chynna couldn't believe the court clerk was actually hitting on her at a time like this! Chynna demanded that he hand over the papers, but he refused to do so unless she gave him a little kiss on his penis first.
Chynna told him she's following Lady GaGa's advice and only having sex with people she loves. Namely, her husband. The court clerk whispered in Chynna's ear, "THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LOVE, sweetheart" And just when he was about to force a kiss on her, a sassy judge saw what was going down and put a stop to it. The judge snatched the papers out of the clerk's hand, handed them over to Chynna and then fired the perv on the stop.
Once Chynna had the divorce papers in her hands, she dropped to her knees, ripped them into a million pieces and shouted into the heavens, " THE DREAM IS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!"
The End.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the patheticness from my finger tips (SPOILER ALERT: It's not going to come out).
• 
YOu had me at "Release me". Bless you and your talents Michael K.
You had me at "It's only life". Bless you and your brilliance Michael K.
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I love you.
my gawd...you wrote a lot on this shit,MK! i still hav ta read it all..DAMN!
'night, Cent <3
Submitted by Italics on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 1:56am.
Chynna should have looked at Billy's older brothers and asked - To Marry Or Not To Marry! The Baldwin clan is filled with egomaniacal louts who are probably short of breath bending over to tie their shoes
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To Nary or not to Nary?
That is the question...
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"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others. "
Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 1:51am.
Submitted by Centaurious on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 1:29am.
Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 12:55am.
And isn't she born-again xtian? She needs to get with that fat mofo born-again douche Baldwin. He'd de-born-her, again.
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Why trade one tiny Irish dick for another? :)
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St. Patty's Day's right around the corner, SHUT YO MOUF! LMAO!
And damn, you're spot-on about the pic. I think I've seen their dopplegangers in every chamber of commerce mixer/golf club charity event I've ever had the inglorious pleasure (obligation) to attend.
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Ha! And meself as Irish as Paddy's pig...luckily, I have a twat, though! :)
I'm even spending St. Paddy's Day in Mexico.
Sister Mary Frances from high school would NOT be pleased!
Have a great night, pretty Pearl...
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"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others. "
Chynna should have looked at Billy's older brothers and asked - To Marry Or Not To Marry! The Baldwin clan is filled with egomaniacal louts who are probably short of breath bending over to tie their shoes.
Submitted by Centaurious on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 1:29am.
Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 12:55am.
And isn't she born-again xtian? She needs to get with that fat mofo born-again douche Baldwin. He'd de-born-her, again.
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Why trade one tiny Irish dick for another? :)
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St. Patty's Day's right around the corner, SHUT YO MOUF! LMAO!
And damn, you're spot-on about the pic. I think I've seen their dopplegangers in every chamber of commerce mixer/golf club charity event I've ever had the inglorious pleasure (obligation) to attend.
Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Wed, 03/03/2010 - 12:55am.
And isn't she born-again xtian? She needs to get with that fat mofo born-again douche Baldwin. He'd de-born-her, again.
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Why trade one tiny Irish dick for another? :)
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"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others. "
He looks like the head of a very successful trucking company.
She could EASILY own a chain of nail salons.
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"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others. "
And isn't she born-again xtian? She needs to get with that fat mofo born-again douche Baldwin. He'd de-born-her, again.
Is there a Pulitzer Prize for blog posts, because wow, yes, this one would take it. LOVE!!! and LOLZ haha!!
Oh Wee Oh.
Oh Wee Oh.
Someday I'll be next you...
The Baldwin men don't age well because they don't work-out. They are a bunch of jelly pansy asses under their expensive suits.
beauty fades but dumb is forever...all the baldwin men hit the wall...hard...and all the phillips women (mackenzie, chynna and bijou all that that giant shiny forehead thing happening...
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what you gonna do? tell mom and dad I put your dick sucking list on facebook?” – "i love facebook like you love cock..."
Didn't she used to be cute? Maybe she should have fixed that nose a while ago.
As for him...WOW! The personification of the term "Baldwin" as used by Cher in "Clueless".
Submitted by LawDog on Tue, 03/02/2010 - 8:43pm.
Fat chick stew, fucking hilarious...
*gets a spoon, licks lips*
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Fat chick stew, fucking hilarious...
*gets a spoon, licks lips*
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Famous last words "Lizzy, get off your fat, lazy ass and go chop me some fire wood" Mr. Borden
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Tue, 03/02/2010 - 2:39pm.
I secretly had a crush on the fat one.
Does that mean I am a secret chubby chaser?
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Yes. *loaning TB all the butter, sour cream, whipping cream, full fat milk, cheese, bacon and bacon grease I can find in my kitchen to woo his bethrothed*...What? I gave you all the ingredience for 'fat chick stew'...Now add a side of beef and be done with it aleady....Oooh don't serve without atleast a loaf of buttered garlic bread...and to be on the safe side, best to pick up a Sara Lee pie for dessert...for HER dessert, and GOD HELP YOU if you don't serve that with icecream...and whipped cream, and nuts, and chocolate syrup...
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
@Tigerlilly, I did NOT know that. Thanks..
*puts on welding mask and climbs a tree*
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Famous last words "Lizzy, get off your fat, lazy ass and go chop me some fire wood" Mr. Borden
Submitted by LawDog on Tue, 03/02/2010 - 8:14pm.
I always felt bad for big fat Carnie Wilson who would get stuck behind the drum set or a tree in their videos. Kinda like they did to the fat Wilson sister in Heart. They put her in a welder mask in one video.
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No worries...Fat chicks love to sit in trees and weld...Little known fact...I KEED, I KEED....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
I always felt bad for big fat Carnie Wilson who would get stuck behind the drum set or a tree in their videos. Kinda like they did to the fat Wilson sister in Heart. They put her in a welder mask in one video.
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Famous last words "Lizzy, get off your fat, lazy ass and go chop me some fire wood" Mr. Borden
@Snowy..Sliver was a hot movie don't you think?
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Famous last words "Lizzy, get off your fat, lazy ass and go chop me some fire wood" Mr. Borden
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
only downside is that now the songs are playing over and over in my head...once those lyrics get in there (and they did back in 1992) they won't ever leave...
♫ someday somebody's gonna make u wanna turn around and say goodbye. 'til then baby, are u gonna let them hold you down and make u cry? ♫ ...yep pathetic, no doubt about it.
I had to Wiki 'Wilson Phillips', but I don't need that to know that this post is full of WIN!
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"If your horse dies, I suggest you dismount."
Jesus MK you really need to get a boyfriend or something...
I mean, on what possible grounds could she EVER get a divorce?
Billy's a wonderful husband and father and he's never, EVER cheated.
I just don't get it.
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"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
MK, I really cannot bear to go to any other gossip websites because I now realize I am hooked, totally addicted to your brain. Your brain is like a rare african diamond...I am so happy to see its brilliance every day. Noone makes me laugh to myself hysterically like a hyena like you, I really don't care anymore how crazy my co-workers and others think I am what I am trying to say is......you_complete_me....in other words keep the brilliance coming...that one like all your other insights was priceless!!
Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 03/02/2010 - 2:24pm.
Sliver was like 15 years ago!!!!!
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Christ i feel OLD
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If I wanted something covered in cum and gold eyeshadow I'd steal Adam Lambert's hoody. --Helen Killer @ Regretsy
MK, normally when I read something like this I think "Somebody's got wayyy too much time on their hands" but in your case, I just have to quote Red from The Shawshank Redemption and say "Did I say you was good? You a fuckin Rembrandt."
:D
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If I wanted something covered in cum and gold eyeshadow I'd steal Adam Lambert's hoody. --Helen Killer @ Regretsy
Damn. You really had to reach for Eyes Like Twins, dintcha?;p
♥ Threadkilla!
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
~ Kurt Vonnegut
Yawn...I've been waiting for this one for the last 10 years.
Also, Michael K....when in hell will you be outed as the funniest person in the universe.
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"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
Wow! you should write short stories for children... this is genius!
puurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
moosh
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Why doesn't Michael K have a Pulitzer yet?!
The whole family is batshit crazy...
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Shiitake happens...
Phillips last album was CHRISTIAN/INSPIRATIONAL music = certified "Jesus Freak"
Don't know about Billy, either
MK, you will no doubt receive the Nobel Prize for Literature for that stunning piece of work. Kinda reminds me of those birthday signs people used to make using glued on candy bars for key words. As in "I'd go the MILKY WAY and do BABY RUTH and KIT KAT he SNICKERS but it'll cost 100 GRAND on your PAYDAY". Or was that just a Midwestern thing?
"What's your motto?" "Kill everyone NOW"
wow MK was on a roll.
i'd be checking into *cough* anxiety *cough* rehab too if I had Stephen Baldwin as an in-law.
Submitted by TheBreakdown on Tue, 03/02/2010 - 2:39pm.
I secretly had a crush on the fat one.
Does that mean I am a secret chubby chaser?
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Well Carnie isn't just fat, she is fucking HUGE... so "chubby" might be a tad too weak.
I guess living with a Baldwin brother could drive anybody to distraction -- or complete insanity.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 03/02/2010 - 2:54pm.
These two aren't the Jesus freaks.
That is Stephen and his wife.
I think Chynna is a Jesus freak now too. Dunno about Billy though.
she looks like diane kruger
Submitted by lifeislikecake: "where is Carnie when we need her?"
She's going to be on Dr. Oz's show tomorrow. Or is it today? They run that thing twice a day, and one is an encore, so you have two chances to see her.
These two aren't the Jesus freaks.
That is Stephen and his wife.
MK, you are the awesomest!
I couldn't care less about these two Jesus freaks. I liked Wilson Phillips, tho'. "Hold On" got me through a dark time in my life. True fact.
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"No escapin' when I start
Once I'm in, I own your heart"
yea cause sitting at home
all day making brownies and
throwing billy a pity fku is really stressful
dumb cow
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
WANNA MEET MY MOM HERE SHE IS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9HJSolyhpg&feature=related
M.E., that explains a lot.
Great job MK!! Those Baldwin Brothers are a bunch of crazy cocks, each one is a nut in their own special way.