A Simple "It's Not True" Would've Worked Too
You know that rumor about how John Mayer and Kristin Calafartmeorwhatever have been licking on each other's vaginas for two years? John Mayer has pissed all over it on his Twitter. Instead of just pulling a Kanye and saying "BITCH BOGUS," John brought the cleverness. You know this gave him a boner. John wrote:
"Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman...I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis. I'm sure she's a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together. My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James."
The fugly truth is that I laughed at this several times. I even snorted at the image of John's tiny peenus high-fiving Kristin Calawhocares' z-list vagina. I SNORTED! What does this say about me? I need more meds, obviously.
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I know this thread is 2 days old but I got another one:
He never Hello'd her Kitty!
Actually, the truth is John Mayer has a big thick penis. Girls talk more than boys...
Morning, sluts. *yawn* Too early to be up. The dang storm woke my ass up. But still I got another one:
He never zipped her sleeping bag!
He never asked "Permission to come aboard!"
He never rocked her world. (lame)
He never tuned her guitar.
Is it wrong for a man to have a sugar baby or a woman to have sugar daddy??
It is an absolutely extramarital relationship, but more and more services came out on Internet focusing on this kind of relationship.
such as ^-^ sugarscupid.com ^-^
it’s the biggest sugar dating site for beautiful woman and rich man
Johnboy should take a meeting with SNL
His humor is on their high school idiot level.
what an ass.
wait, what?
He never put his kielbasa in her sauerkraut.
Funniest.Post.Evah.
He never tickled her fancy.
He never pearled her necklace.
She never Mastered his Johnson.
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My imagination will get me a passport to hell one day. ~John Steinbeck
Jeepster, you're addicted! However:
He never examined her zipper!
(See you at the meetings.)
Benson hedges are the nastiest cigarettes ever next to Kools.
Submitted by BRADIFUL BITCH on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 1:18pm.
He never Leggo'd her Eggo.
This is turning into tourettes for me.
Haha. Just a couple more.
He never shucked her clam or boned her ham.
he never Re-pointed her Chimney
he never De-iced her Locks
he never Re-upholstered her Settee
he never Plumbed her Pipes
he never Extended her Credit
he never Applied for a Home-Equity Loan
he never Cleaned her Attic, Basement, Mud-Room, Parlor, Pantry, Broom-Closet, Back Stairs, Breezeway, Front Entrance, 3-Season Porch, Gazebo, Toolhouse, Cupola, Garage, OR Guestroom....................................................................................................................oh god........
"vaya con huevos mi amigos"
I am feeling much better...really.....I can stop anytime:
he never Exhibited her Volcano at the Science Fair
he never Took her to see "Muppet Babies on Ice" at the Worcester Centrum
he never Listened to her Jonas Brothers CD's
he never Demi-ed her Lovato
"vaya con huevos mi amigos"
Never played tit-for-tat with her twat
***********My pet hates: Vadge, the Holie-Shitts, Katherine Hagel and Terribly Retarded Knight*********************
He never inserted his falafel into her pitah.
That face!
It HAS to be Photoshopped....
Right?!
He never:
Flicked her ash.
Swizzled her stick.
Damnit. I went to twitter to try and post some my own "He Never" comments. Can't figure out how to post it on Mayer's twitter page.
He never Leggo'd her Eggo.
This is turning into tourettes for me.
/\
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
He never Lincoln'd her log!
He never flashed her handle with the sock the slot.
He never clapped her flaps.
He never boot moved her toilet bats.
/\
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
Never Given her a tickle with his pickle.
***********My pet hates: Vadge, the Holie-Shitts, Katherine Hagel and Terribly Retarded Knight*********************
best thread ever. How are all the hotties at Dlisted today?
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
"Look, hon, I love you and everything, but listen to me...You are a foul cunt...Everyone knows it...Why the HELL do you think these seagulls have been following us around squawking like demons? -Tigerlilly
HE NEVER CALLED HER A BLACK
HE NEVER USED BODY SPRAYS
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
"Look, hon, I love you and everything, but listen to me...You are a foul cunt...Everyone knows it...Why the HELL do you think these seagulls have been following us around squawking like demons? -Tigerlilly
He never tic-tacked her doe.
Correction John Mayer is quite well endowed apparently.
***********My pet hates: Vadge, the Holie-Shitts, Katherine Hagel and Terribly Retarded Knight*********************
He never snaked her drain!
(Did someone say that already? And you know - we ARE sorely lacking product placement....)
♥ Threadkilla!
As an Evil Overlord, I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one more thing I want to know."
He never groomed her poodle
He never sank her battleship
He never banged her erasers
He never ducked her goose
He never jumped her shark (but I think I just did)
*************************************************
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play
Submitted by fuzzyslippers on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:51pm.
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And he never fuzzied her slippers!
He never stinkied her pinky.
OR, The Presidential Edition:
He never Ike'd her Eisenhower.
He never Grover'd her Cleveland.
HE NEVER DUBYA'D HER BUSH!
XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
Submitted by Jeepster on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:43pm.
At home now - cold cloth on head - going for Medical Slant.
**********************************************
He never buckled her strait jacket.
He never slipped her the Lithium.
He never padded her cell.
He never caulked her tile.
*************************************************
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play
@Mani&ISMU:
LOL!
Ummmm...he never full throttled her douche bottle?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqVBe_SMQe8
♥ Threadkilla!
As an Evil Overlord, I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one more thing I want to know."
Ugh, I always suspected he had a nose job and this pic proves it. Look at that wonky nostril. You always pick the best pics MK.
Submitted by angel_i on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:41pm.
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Isn't it? My brother always used to say that when we were kids and it still grosses me out. :P
@loozer: "He never tickled her ivories". ROFL!
He never:
Wet her whistle.
Plundered her bounty.
Haunted her House.
At home now - cold cloth on head - going for Medical Slant.
he never Took her Blood Pressure
he never Changed her Bedpan
he never Increased her Meds
he never Wrapped her Bandages
he never Walked her to the Toilet Down the Hall
he never Served the Jello
he never Adjusted her Tempur-pedic
he never Administered the High-Colonic
he never Filled out her Paperwork
he never called her Insurance Agent
he never Told her that her Johnny was Open at the Back
he never Brought her Flowers & Candy
he never Warned her about the "Night Nurse"
Will you all visit me at the Psych Ward????
"vaya con huevos mi amigos"
Submitted by islandgirl on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:38pm.
He never pinched her loaf.
*****************************************
LOL! NASTAY!
♥ Threadkilla!
As an Evil Overlord, I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one more thing I want to know."
Submitted by angel_i on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:36pm.
LOL@ISMU: I was thinking we should get douche in there somehow...I was gonna say:
He never rinsed out her douchebags.
Yeah but maybe she douched his nozzle!!
Submitted by loozer on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:29pm
HA HA HA!
He never surfed her board.
He never rode her waves.
He never combed her beach.
EDIT: He never WAXED her board.
He never pinched her loaf.
angel- douched her funbags?
**************************************
What's the exchange rate on me giving less than a rat's ass? - TV
He never tickled her ivories
He never Oprahed her Winfrey
He never boarded her bus
He never jogged in her park
He never shook his booty in her disco
He never karaoked in her bar
*************************************************
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play
He never put his penis in her vagina.
_____________________________________________
"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
LOL@ISMU: I was thinking we should get douche in there somehow...I was gonna say:
He never rinsed out her douchebags.
♥ Threadkilla!
As an Evil Overlord, I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one more thing I want to know."
He never douched her bags.
**************************************
What's the exchange rate on me giving less than a rat's ass? - TV
He never shingled her roof.
He never glazed her tile.
He never tared her driveway.
:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O
If all the world is a stage, there are a lot of bad actors.
Submitted by Manimal5 on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 12:27pm.
Haha. I'll bet he never socked her slot.
&&&
HA! I'll bet he never opened her tennis cans either!
He never twittered her twilight zone
She’s a very sensitive lady
She’s always at the breaking point
She’s always on her guard
She’s the fairest of them all
She loves her adderall
She’s kicking out the windows in your car
The Felice Bros.
He never voted in her booth
He never jingled her bells
He never clicked her mouse
He never punched her timeclock
*************************************************
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play