Well Played: The Twidildo!
The Twidildo: It exists! Tantus, a maker of fuck trinkets, is coming out with a sparkly dildo they are calling "THE VAMP." They can't really call it the Twidildo since they will get sued and lose everything they fucked so hard for. And that would be a shame since they deserve to make millions and millions of dollars for coming up with this work of geniusness (yes, geniusness). I mean, they deserve a Pulitzer Prize just for the description:
Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.
The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.
Toss it in the fridge?! They better add a disclaimer, because some ho is going to sue after her chocha gets freezer burned.
Seriously, every crazed horny Twitard is going to crack open their red apple bank to buy the Twidildo, so that they can say Edward Cullen's sparkly vampeen finally took their virginity! They should also sell Edward cardboard cut-outs with this, because you know some of those crazies will attach the Twidildo to that shit so that they can ride him until he breaks in two...LITERALLY. Personally, I'm not wasting my coins on this, because I'm holding out for an Eric Northman Real Doll.
The Twidildo is after the jump in all its glory. It's actually not that glorious since it's just a generic dildo covered in glitter, but the Twitatties aren't picky. (NSFW) JUMP!!!
VIA ONTD
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Why can't it vibrate? It could be a twibrator.
okay -- so do not infer direct knowledge here, but...
the idea of cold often is, if you are having some marathon session and you start to have friction burn (we're talking about really going at it for awhile), the cold is a good way of keeping you going -
you know, like a sports injury, pack it with ice and keep playin
or at least numb it a wee bit
and why is michael so quiet on the subject....i would think that's an old trick he would know
also you would put it in a ziplock bag - you wouldn't just throw it in there anymore than you would a raw chunk of meat
a friend told me about a "condom pop stand" where you take cardboard rolls, and roll the condom lip over the edge, secure w/ rubber-band, fill with water - stand upright in freezer until hard
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.:We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are:.
::Anaïs Nin::
Submitted by Datura on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 6:46pm.
Submitted by gia on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 5:58pm.
My friends frigid sister once fucked herself with a frozen hotdog when she was younger & it broke off inside of her & she had to fish it out...I dont know if its actually true or if my friend was just trying to embarass her uptight sister with an embarrassing made up story.
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Hahaha. That story went around my high school about the girl everyone hated. Either hot dog porking is becoming an epidemic in our schools, or it's just a really good, widespread urban legend.
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Lol...I bet it is an urban legend! My friend probably heard it somewhere, thought it was hysterical & then decided to apply it to her sister...I will have to ask her.
"Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience"?!? What the fuck? No lady wants something cold up there...NO ONE! And why is it sparkly?
Any grown woman who would fantasize over a character from a shitty teen fiction book needs to seriously re-evaluate her sad little life. Teenagers w/their crushes is one thing but I've met girls my age (I'm 22) and older who're absolute Twitards. Fucking embarassing.
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"And my heart it is still beating, but it's fight or flight, the exit from loneliness is not necesarrily the entrance into paradise."
I would imagine a vampire's flesh to have more of a bluish cast.
And the mere thought of sticking something chilly up my twat makes me have cramps.
Blecch.
the girls on robs imdb message boards will be delighted
...they are Ob Sessed
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/
I don't understand why all the tweens find Robert Pattinson so hot. He is like... I'll pick him up when he comes out in paperback hot.
www.thishotmess.com
Fucking. Genius.
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"If your horse dies, I suggest you dismount."
Freeze it??? Um, well, naw!
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People get upset when you talk about gay marriage, which is weird, cuz everyone loves gays when they write the song “Karma Chameleon" or star in the movie “Top Gun”, but then all of a sudden…..
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 9:22pm.
What kind of SinkHO would I be if I outsourced the handling?
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫
Crazy/Forever
ubmitted by DeeDee on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 9:18pm.
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 9:12pm.
You take a third-party check? *forging Slitty McGinge's name*
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I hate to split hairs over a dildo...but if the money is good...Although, I'm afraid I won't take any third-parties when it comes to the handling.
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Are You A Goddess? If so...
It's a pretty color for nail polish or something.
At least all those Twifucks will be getting some sort of action, because no flesh and blood peen worth his salt would deal with a Twifan. Every guy I've dated since this CURSE of a craze exploded has liked the fact that I think Twilight is a shitty joke. I've read the first two books, and I couldn't believe that people were all flustered over it. It's a horrible fan-fic, no better than a shame-inducing romance novel.
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 9:12pm.
You take a third-party check? *forging Slitty McGinge's name*
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫
Crazy/Forever
Submitted by DeeDee on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 9:01pm.
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:49pm.
That's not MY nickname, that's Slutty's. My nickname is Texas SinkHO, membah?
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Well, all I know is one of you hookers still owes me my 29.99 plus shipping and handling!
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Are You A Goddess? If so...
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:49pm.
That's not MY nickname, that's Slutty's. My nickname is Texas SinkHO, membah?
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫
Crazy/Forever
DeeDee, suddenly your nick name "Glitter Gulch" makes much more sense.
@TV, the sparkles make it appear larger from behind.
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Are You A Goddess? If so...
I suppose red sex is recommended.
Whoa, that looks like a penis, but much smaller.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:30pm.
You couldn't authenticate the hair was from an actual vampire. Plus you sent it to me the day AFTER your scheduled pube maintenance. Explain please.
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Crazy/Forever
Submitted by DeeDee on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:24pm.
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:20pm.
I'll take a Magical Forest taint ticker instead.
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Uh, Dee? You already did and I'm still waiting on that check.
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Are You A Goddess? If so...
What if you need to use it during the day?
They did not try "hard" enough for this - color is off (blood red, hello...) no veins?????vampires, peen, come on - definitely needs a few bite marks - Geesh, I hope they don't blow the condoms...
Submitted by NitWitty on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:20pm.
I'll take a Magical Forest taint ticker instead.
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫
Crazy/Forever
Submitted by freebird on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:02pm
It's probably built into the plastic.
Submitted by DeeDee on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 8:16pm.
What? No vampire fang clit tickling action? FAIL.
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Trust me they're working on it. Gotta' get all the stitches..erm, kinks out first.
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Are You A Goddess? If so...
LOL at Freebird! Fucking the sparkle off.
This really is ridiculous...
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*Blondeface*
What? No vampire fang clit tickling action? FAIL.
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫
Crazy/Forever
Don't you just end up fucking the sparkle off of it after a few rides?
Submitted by gia on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 5:58pm.
My friends frigid sister once fucked herself with a frozen hotdog when she was younger & it broke off inside of her & she had to fish it out...I dont know if its actually true or if my friend was just trying to embarass her uptight sister with an embarrassing made up story.
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Hahaha. That story went around my high school about the girl everyone hated. Either hot dog porking is becoming an epidemic in our schools, or it's just a really good, widespread urban legend.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
Tweens are stupid. Why would you want that ladyboy from Twilight when that hot piece from True Blood is waaay sexier (sorry don't know his name). I don't watch True Blood (I know, I know made even worse by the fact that I have HBO) but I'm seriously thinking of giving it another go just because he's in it (if only he didn't speak).
Submitted by SpiceDong on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 5:18pm.
stick it in the freezer...LOL
seriously, who'll be so gross as to put stuff that has been in their holes in the same place where they have food and beverages?...that is not hygienic no matter how many times they wash that thing.
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You don't just throw yours in the dishwasher to get it clean???
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the end...
My friends frigid sister once fucked herself with a frozen hotdog when she was younger & it broke off inside of her & she had to fish it out...I dont know if its actually true or if my friend was just trying to embarass her uptight sister with an embarrassing made up story.
Next is a fake vajayjay with fangs.
Some idiot will probably use it and claim Edward somehow knocked them up and they'll have their 15 minutes of fail.
Your existence proves that God has a sense of humor.
stick it in the freezer...LOL
seriously, who'll be so gross as to put stuff that has been in their holes in the same place where they have food and beverages?...that is not hygienic no matter how many times they wash that thing.
And this will be an upgrade for someone I know.
The dude used to fuck himself with frozen bananas and cucumbers and admit to it. Yuck.
Have you ever been a fruit before? - Blanche Devereaux
peronally, i'm holding out for a dildo with paul walker's face on the knob.
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even dolls get cold in winter
edward's character is stalking and very controlling and bella's character is stoooooopid and she supposedly falls in love with Jacob after he forces himself on her.WTF!! that's called rape, miss Meyer.
a sparkley ice cold dildo up my hooha? uh, no thanks...
is this crap being marketed to the tweens?
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a wet pussy and a dry purse don't match....
Submitted by zomay on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 4:36pm.
Sparkley penis? This is for gay guys right? Tom Cruise your order is ready.
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Whoa, not all homos want on board this bullshit train, so let's not generalize.
I'm personally holding out for a Christopher Meloni dong, preferably one that will smack me around before hitting it hard.
~-*+*-~
"Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." ~ Cordelia Chase
"Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable." ~ Mrs. White
Submitted by xerquina on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 4:49pm.
....
i think the the twilight series is anti-woman.
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I agree. I'm all for love stories, but the kind of obsessive co-dependence that Twilight is peddling makes me sad for the little girls who love the books (and sadder for the grown-ups who love the books.)
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
Submitted by xerquina on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 4:49pm.
i think the the twilight series is anti-woman.
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Blatantly so! Bella Is nothing but a vessel for Edward's attempts at salvation. It has nothing to do with her or who she is, it's all about him. She has no personality, no life, no real friends, nothing to offer the world except girlfriend of sparkly vampire. She just sits on a pedestal and pines. According to her, she is nothing without him. Anti-woman.
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Uh oh, Heaven is starting to take out Soccer Moms. - BRADIFUL BITCH 8/13/09
I'm out.
Peace.
Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Thu, 08/20/2009 - 4:25pm.
"I sparkle!" LOL.
And what kind of sick fuck wants to bang a cold dildo, anyway?
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Blech. That scene from A Christmas Story with the little boy's tongue stuck to the frozen pole just entered my head.
The only reason I'd buy a sparkling, pasty white dildo would be to place it conspicuously on my bookshelf in the living room. Always good to have a conversation piece when company arrives.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb
thank god i know kung fu to fight off cold lifeless dildos.
i think the the twilight series is anti-woman.
i love you MK!!!
Hahaha, I love this line :
"Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience."
Cold dildos, lovely.
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
If only it could shoot out sparkly jizz!
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"IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS!" - Kanye West
Sparkley penis? This is for gay guys right? Tom Cruise your order is ready.
now all of my vampire fantasies are out the f*** window. Dreams destroyed. ******
Coma Caca!!
Aw fuck, why didn't I think of this?