Jessica Simpson Has Shitty Birthdays
This year, Jessica Simpson opened a beautifully wrapped gift from Tony Romo only to find a gigantic pink slip inside with the words "YOOZ DUMPD, HAPPEH BIRFDAYS" written on it. A few birthdays back, Jessica got an even worse gift.
Some source (aka Papa Joe using a voice changer) told Page Six, "Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn't go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him -- it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad."
It doesn't surprise me that John Mayer would give himself a wet handjob as a birthday gift to someone else. It also doesn't give me the shocks that Jessica's dumb stupid ass wouldn't realize that a used tampon out of John's ass would make a better gift than that shit! Why does Jessica Simpson have to act like Jessica Simpson?! Bitch needs to eat more fish.
And Jessica probably didn't think it was weird when Papa Joe gave her edible panties, a web cam and a gift certificate to "Papa Joe's House of Bikini Waxing."
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Jessi I grew up loving your voice and I'm so sad for you baby. This douche bag gave you a bad gift. He got his PR manager give you something last minute. Stupid Stupid Stupid. You sat there watching it like a Deer caught in headlights. He used your pussy baby thats all I can say. It happens to all of us. I wish I could dye my hair blond cause I want people to think I'm dumb but you becoming a brunet doesn't hide your blond roots dear. I love you if I was str8 you'd be my bitch. Life's a bitch and then you die.
John Mayer looks like Edward fucking Scissorhands in that photo....and Jessica is such a pig I want to binge and purge myself, but I geuss that is what all those years as Pawpa Joe's lover will do!
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i like the brown hair look on her
I am not a big fan of Jessica, I think she is quite clueless. But I still do feel sorry for her, I wouldn't be happy if I got dumped on my birthday, that is such a low act!
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John Mayer sure knows how to treat a lady. Call me.
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The body language here is hysterical.
"Haha. Okay, now get off."
Am I the only one in this entire world who so does NOT get the whole John Mayer obsession? He's disgusting to me - pasty, and boring. Poor Jess - she is so Desperado these days :(
It looks like John's trying to get away from her in that picture. Awk-ward!
Submitted by Stoney on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 9:54am.
Remember when she first got together with Tony and she was all "I'm glad he doesn't force me to act like I'm smart and I can be myself"..
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Hahaha...it says quite a bit about Tony, too. None of it good.
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Policy of Truth
Submitted by Otter Pop on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 10:55am.
If she didn't come off as a desperate cunt maybe some dude might actually stick around for a bit. The stench of desperation permeates through her pores.
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I bet that is exactly what the problem is. She needs to play a little hard to get.
If she didn't come off as a desperate cunt maybe some dude might actually stick around for a bit. The stench of desperation permeates through her pores.
Good Gravy, spammers are out in full force today!
Off topic: Bam Margera had a possble O.D over the weekend. Why I felt the need to share that, I don't know.
Is she ever going to GET A CLUE? He isn't even looking at her in this pic. It's all about him.
I can't believe - oh, wait, I can - that he sent her a DVD of his performance for her barfday. That's like sending an autographed 8 x 10. Clue missed.
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O_o. Paris Hilton. Beware of my fucked up eye. It's bigger than the other.
Submitted by Race Bannon on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 9:41am.
The only time I would watch a DVD of John Mayer is if he was getting ass raped by a gang of horny Gorilla's.
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I have no comment. That visual just needed to be presented again.
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"Judging from some of the stories, the Wii remote is the deadliest and most destructive weapon ever created."
Maybe if Chestica didn't have the stench of "I wanna be married (AGAIN) and have baaabies like my sister Asslee", guys wouldn't dump her desperate-smelling self.
On the upside, her hair looks great here. Too bad she's gone back to the cheap-ass looking bleach blond hobag look.
Jessica is an idiot. But at least she's honest about it, so she gets a pass from me. I'm secretly fond of idiots, especially amusing ones.
Anyone who dumps someone via a txt the night before their birfdays sucks and deserves all the public hate in the world. What a dickhole.
Submitted by kdracofan on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 10:16am.
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I'll say. I have come to dread my birthday. In fact, so has my entire family!
Jill-The-Ripper on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 10:01am.
I have the shittiest birthdays ever!
In my life, in my family, in a period of two days before to two days after and including my birthday (July 17 1962) there has been:
A house fire
A death
Two miscarriages
a brother getting a finger cut off on the job
broken bones
stitches
and on Saturday, my nephew was assaulted and left unconscious and bleeding on the sidewalk.
And in the world:
JFK Jr's plane crash
TWA flight 800 crashing
Walter Cronkite's death
to name a few.
So I think I have Jessica beat.
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holy! you need a 'cleansing' lol
Submitted by Jill-The-Ripper on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 10:01am.
WOW! Mine was the 10th, same as her and the that fag Mayer sent the the same fuckin' DVD! WTF is up with that!
LOL at bitches who dye their hair to match their boyfriend's. Jessucka's biggest mistake in life was dumping Nick Lachey. Now she can't find a dude who will deal with her dumb ass when there's plenty of random bitches around who aren't as annoying.
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 10:06am.
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Of course it's OK!
Thanks.
The worst thing that ever happened on my birthday is that I got married.
john mayer is a massive douche.
jessica is NUTHIN without nick.
well Jill, is it ok if I wish you a happy belated? or is that in bad taste? LOL
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"I just begun too" Teresa Giudice
"Wudnt nuthin strage bout yo daddy!" Al Sharpton
I actually like Jessica. I think Tony is a douche for dumping her the night before her birthday. Could he spare it one more day so she could have a nice birthday? She needs to cut the apron strings with daddy if she is ever going to have a decent relationship. Dumping Nick was the stupidest thing she ever did. I bet daddy thought she would move on to bigger and better stars and all it did was end her career. She was on top of the world until the divorce.
Lane, I have been going to this high school for 7 years. I'm no dummy.
I have the shittiest birthdays ever!
In my life, in my family, in a period of two days before to two days after and including my birthday (July 17 1962) there has been:
A house fire
A death
Two miscarriages
a brother getting a finger cut off on the job
broken bones
stitches
and on Saturday, my nephew was assaulted and left unconscious and bleeding on the sidewalk.
And in the world:
JFK Jr's plane crash
TWA flight 800 crashing
Walter Cronkite's death
to name a few.
So I think I have Jessica beat.
Is it too late to send her a pair of size 15 Mom jeans for her bday?
Jessica Simpson is a fat, untalented pile of shit, but John Mayer has got to be the fugliest man alive. The retarded faces he makes while singing (like he's dropping a huge turd into the terlit) and that HUGE head of his are enough to make most women (and men) run away.
Submitted by Stoney on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 9:54am.
I never did understand that pairing. Unless she made John feel uber smart & superior.
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
cheer up Jess, you could be married to douchebag Wentz!
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"I just begun too" Teresa Giudice
"Wudnt nuthin strage bout yo daddy!" Al Sharpton
Remember when she first got together with Tony and she was all "I'm glad he doesn't force me to act like I'm smart and I can be myself" LOL! The sheer fact that those words came out of her mouth makes her an idiot of epic proportions. At least John demanded an intelligence level over retard from her.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
he's an asshat who doesn't enunciate properly whilst he's singing, and she's a fucktard plain and simple.
that being said, why do i care so much to know about them? oh well, they say admitting it is the first step.
I don't care, is all I have to say about it.
....But that’s vulgar and gross to me: exploding assholes, exploding brains. And Christian sites are vulgar to me, too. MIchael K
Watching John Mayer performing over and over again...it's like my worst fucking nightmare, and Jessica actually lived it. Poor, dumb thing.
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I am not a pussy.
He did, as Lainey say, always have the shamefuck face on when with her.
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
The only time I would watch a DVD of John Mayer is if he was getting ass raped by a gang of horny Gorilla's.
Her daddy ruined her and her career. I wish she would walk away and grow up.
Ok, I'm not a fan of Simpson but her hair is great in this pic - really healthy looking and a great color. If possible, (I said 'if'!) it makes her look marginally more intelligent.
JOhn Mayer is teh ghey I think.
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"I just begun too" Teresa Giudice
"Wudnt nuthin strage bout yo daddy!" Al Sharpton
Can Jessica look more clingy in this pic? Probably.
John looks like Jessica is giving him a major case of girl cooties in that picture.
Jessica just needs to bite the peen and start doing pr0n... because she sucks major dick!
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Submitted by freebird on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 9:28am.
Why is Jessica Simpson pictured with Skeletor? Weird.
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Totally!
He reminded me of someone and I couldn't put my claw on it!
Well spotted! :D
"Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad."
OMG I'm embarrassed FOR HER. Even if it's not true, that that this story is in the press is humiliating enough.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Could be that she gets dumped near her birthday because she has parties with themes that a 12-YO would deem childish which are scripted by Papa.
NOTE TO JS: dump daddy to stop getting dumped.
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"Oderint dum metuant." Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (aka Caligula)
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hmmm the body language in this picture is so funny
his: get the f off me!
hers: but but but but but but but JOOOOHNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Why is Jessica Simpson pictured with Skeletor? Weird.
John looks miserable on that pic. Eat a carrot, man.
How fucking pathetic is that?
Yeah but this year she didn't hold back on the cake and ice cream.