Tony Dumped Jessica
Papa Joe won't be spending his afternoon in a bubble bath with his Crazy Daisy Love Doll like usual, because he'll be too busy begging Nick Lachey to get back together with Jessica Simpson so they can shoot another reality show together called Newlyweds: Once More With Feeling. Papa Joe knows that Jessica will have to find another way of staying relevant now that Tony Romo has dumped her ass after almost two years together.
A source said that Tony pink-slipped Jessica the night before her birfday. I guess that's one way of getting out of buying her ass a present.
Jessica was planning a Barbie and Ken-themed party for her birthday (and there's the reason why Tony quit her ass), but canceled it. The source went on to say, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."
Jessica took a break from drowning her sorrows in sheet cake (Jennifer Aniston already ate the country's supply of packaged cookie dough), to Twitter a little bit. Last night, she wrote: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." A few hours later, she added: "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."
What she really meant is: PLEASE LORD GET ME THE COVER OF PEOPLE THIS WEEK!