And this time I mean it in a good way. Jared Leto is 37-years-old and dude looks like he still gets carded for cigarettes in most states. Yes, he's wearing one of Johnny Depp's old ensembles from 21 Jump Street and he's trying to summon the unicorns with his "Ode to the Magical Forest" hair, but I don't mind it. I also don't mind that he looks he should be hooked up to an IV full of Ensure. If we were both on Survivor, we could rub our twig legs together to start a fire and save the entire tribe!

Here's Peter Pan Catalano with his bandmates in Los Angeles yesterday.

There should be a Mister Rogers statute in every town since a lot of us spent quality time with him as children (and as grown-up stoners). The city of Pittsburgh recently unveiled their homage to Mister Rogers called "Tribute to Children." This looks more like a tribute to cat litter. Mister Rogers is way too good for this shit. Shit being the key word here. This reminds me of "Shit Chet" in Weird Science and that is the extreme opposite of a compliment. Why did they have to do (doo) Mister Rogers like that?! Daniel Tigercat probably hit the floor when he saw this thing and he's not going to get up. Let us all weep.

On a positive note, at least they don't have to spend money cleaning up pigeon poo off this statute, because it will blend right in.

On the left is Sammy Sosa at an event back in December of last year. On the right is the same person at the Latin Grammy Awards in Las Vegas on Wednesday night. THE FUCK is right!

Sammy must have an explanation that makes some kind of sense. Either: a) This is Sammy's idea of a Michael Jackson tribute. b) Sammy was attacked by a zombie and is well on his way to becoming one of them. c) Sammy has a skin condition. d) Sammy has straight-up lost his mind.

I'm tempted to go with D, because that explains why his eyes also look like they've been doused in bleach. I CAN'T!

You be the judge and the jury! Below are pictures of Sammy and his wife (who looks like a Khloe Kardashian/Gloria Estefan hybrid) at the Latin Grammys this past week. I also threw in some pictures of darker Sammy at a People event this past May.

When I was in junior high school, the look of the moment for girls was wearing your winter jacket over the shoulder like it was a damn fur stole or a Pashmina. If you ask me, that shit should only be worn like that if you're about to sing a torch song at a gay cabaret or if you're hustling for johns on the ho stroll in the dead of winter. Or if you're Mimi.

Here's Mimi looking like a butternut squash stuffed into an extra small condom while continuing to shoot the video for H.A.T.E.U. in NYC yesterday.

Variety reports that stoner goddess Charlize Theron has dropped out of yet another project (expect baby friend rumors in 3...2..). Charlize was supposed to rub her labia all over Nicole Kidman's forehead of steel in The Danish Girl, but Fishsticks Paltrow will get that privilege instead. Yes, The Botox Queen and the POOPmeister together on screen. Laxative stocks will drop!

In the movie, Nicky will don a dick to play Danish dude artiste Einar Wagner who made the entire world clutch their pearls after he traded his peen in for a poon. Fishsticks will play his wife and fellow artist Greta Wegener. Here's the synopsis from Coming Soon:

The film is based on the true story of Danish artists Einar (Kidman) and Greta Wegener (Paltrow). Their marriage took a sharp left turn after Einar stood in for an female model that Greta was set to paint. When their portraits became wildly popular in 1920s Copenhagen, Greta encouraged her husband to adopt the female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

It should be interesting to see how Nicky is going to play a real-life human dude. I mean, she has the wooden face to play Pinocchio, but lately she's not really believable as a breathing human (see Australia).

And on the next GOOP, Fishy will whip up an organic substitute to Nicky's favorite poison using her own bitch-flavored venom.

That's what came out of Joe Perry's sessy mouth. Joe, who is starting to look like a hot dude version of Colleen Williams, told The Las Vegas Sun that Steven Tyler is hanging up his scarf indefinitely. Aerosmith recently got back from a show in Abu Dhabi, and as far as Joe Perry knows Steven Tyler isn't going to be shaking his bones on stage anymore.

Joe said, “Steven quit as far as I can tell. I don’t know anymore than you do about it. I got off the plane two nights ago. I saw online that Steven said that he was going to leave the band. I don’t know for how long, indefinitely or whatever. Other than that, I don’t know."

Joe has tried calling Steven to get the real story, but dude isn't even trying to pick up the phone, “He’s notorious for that. That’s one thing I’ve learned to live with. I try to overlook it. I like to pick my battles. Frankly, the last few months I’ve been wanting not to rock the boat. I don’t want him canceling any more gigs. We really wanted to do these last four. We just kind of didn’t want to call him out or anything and get him anymore pissed off, for whatever reason. So we just let things lie. So we did the gigs and, like I said, I got off the plane and saw this online. That’s how I know about it.”

If Steven has quit that bitch, Joe says they will bring in a replacement (SIT DOWN, Janice Dickinson) and the show will go on, "As far as replacing Steve, it’s not just about that, it’s also four guys that play extremely well together, and I’m not going to see that go to waste. I really don’t know what path it’s going to take at this point, but we’ll probably find somebody else that will sing in those spots where we need a singer and then we’ll be able to move the Aerosmith up a notch, move the vibe up a notch.”

Steven Tyler performed at the launch party for the pyramids in Egypt, so it might be time for him to spend his days lying in his Golden Rest bed with a bag of caramel squares in his lap and Matlock on the tube.

That being said, STEVEN TYLER CANNOT BE REPLACED. There's not a zombie in Zombieland that can hustle like he can. Well.....unless Larry King knows the words to "F.I.N.E."

The Great Daryl Nathan! - Oh, the treasure chest that is cable access is full of shiny gems that deserve a place on the world's stage. And here's one of them. His name is The Great Daryl Nathan and he was a bright shining star on Michigan's cable access scene in the 90s. The Great Daryl became a cult superstar in Grand Rapids, but he's kept a low-profile since. My guess is that Beyonce sent her sharks after him, because she couldn't take the competition. The man's wig goes above and beyond the call of duty and Beyonce knows this.

Anyway, I will let The Great Daryl Nathan's natural gift speak for itself. Below is his heart-stopping performance of "Fourth of July."

(For Kevin)

Judy Tenuta (53)
Joni Mitchell (66)
Mark Philippoussis (33)
Melyssa Ford (33)
Yunjin Kim (36)
Jason London (37)
Jeremy London (37)
Morgan Spurlock (39)
Michelle Clunie (40)
Sharleen Spiteri (42)
Christopher Knight (52)
Barry Newman (71)
Judy Parfitt (74)

Before you click play on the clip above, you should be warned that Miley Cyrus' voice can scrape off several layers of finish in just a few seconds, so you better move all your favorite pieces of wood furniture out of the room.

In Miley's song "Party in the USA," she screeches about hearing a Jay-Z song on the radio. So during an interview on Halloween night in Kentucky, she was asked what her favorite Jay-Z song is (at the 2:50 mark). Miley's answer? "Ah've nevah heard a Jay-Z song." She didn't write that song and only chose it because it went with her clothing line. Then Miley goes on to say that she doesn't listen to pop music. A few beats later, she chirps something about Britney Spears. Then she starts yammering about Janis Joplin.....

And then Jay-Z, Janis Joplin and Brit Brit busted in there to flick her in the teefs. Seriously, I think I saw two of her brain cells bust out of her ear holes. Were we all like that when we were her age (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is no)? No wonder we boozed until the toilet called mercy.

In 50 years, Miley will still be sitting on a folding chair backstage somewhere in Kentucky wearing a trampy Pocahontas outfit and terrorizing little kids. Except she'll have a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and a giant DRANK in her hand. Yes, Miley will totally be THAT Bingo lady.

VIA NY Mag's Vulture

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.