While you're sitting in your cubicle today and praying to the gods for a permanently hard dick and/or a fully packed bong to fall in your lap, say an extra prayer for Charo. Charo is BROKEN! Seeing Charo limp through Beverly Hills yesterday makes me want to slap a Gopher!

This means that Charo can't fully thrust her crotch bone and flex her chesticles. Sad. If Charo can't coochie coochie coo, your own coochie isn't going to even bother getting out of bed anymore. And if your coochie stops coo-ing, what's the point of anything?

If Derek Blanks shot an Alter Ego-inspired commercial for Nerf, it would look just like Beyonce and Lady CaCa's "Video Phone" video. And it's not a coincidence that at the beginning of this shit Beyonce looks like NeNe Leakes channeling her inner Alien Princess RiRi.

The wig stores are going to be working overtime this week, because the Glittery Gays of YouTube will be storming their shops to buy up their entire inventory in order to recreate this mess. Beyonce used all of the wigs (i.e. homegirl Bettie Paige, Double Trouble, etc...) in her archive!

And now I know why Lady CaCa (aka Zombie Donatella Versace) always runs around wearing bird cages on her face and half of Michael's craft department on her head. But I will give it up for her tuck game. Bitch finally shoved her junk between her ass cheeks and commanded it to stay. Well done!

The redesigned Ed Hardy fashion line, keeping the essence of its clientele in mind. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

Rumor has it, Michelle accidentally bumped into Jim Bob in the checkout line of a Best Buy and #20 was conceived. - vermonster

First known case of the Dick Flu. - Not_That_Steph_The_Other_Steph

Not to be outdone by Playgirl's Levi Johnston issue, Playboy releases a sneak peek at their Aretha Franklin and Lady Caca spread. - ndawgg

via Picture is Unrelated (Thanks Jackie)

Linda Purl- Linda is best known for playing Matlock's daughter Charlene in the first season of Matlock. But Linda also has a zillion other credits to her legendary name! Linda not only played Foznie's girlfriend on Happy Days, but she was also Richie's part-time lover during season 2. Linda was the tramp of Milwaukee!

Most recently, Linda played Pam's mother on The Office. AND she was married to Desi Arnaz Jr. for a quick minute. The woman has done it all!

RuPaul (49)
Sarah Harding (28)
Isaac Hanson (29)
Rachel McAdams (31)
Zoe Bell (31)
Leslie Bibb (35)
Kimya Dawson (37)
Daisy Fuentes (43)
Sophie Marceau (43)
Jonathan Ross (49)
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (51)
Roland Joffe (64)
Lorne Michaels (65)
Danny DeVito (65)
Lauren Hutton (66)
Martin Scorsese (67)
Gordon Lightfoot (71)

Tank Jones (the motherfucker in the fancy pink tie in the picture above) lied to us all! Tank promised that Levi Johnston would give us a clear shot of the goods in his upcoming Playgirl spread, but this is not the case. There will no full frontal nekkidness. Call your local congressperson over this fuckery! This is an injustice.

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio released this statement to Gawker: "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

Basically, it sounds like we're just going to get Levi's peen head peeking out from a hockey stick? WHAT IS THE POINT?! How are people supposed to fap to that?

Tank Jones should hang his head in shame for the rest of his days. You can't promise us a salchicha barbecue, and then show up with half a Vienna sausage. You can lie about a lot of things, but you should never lie about DICK. Dick is serious business. Levi Johnston's peen and me are fucking done professionally!

Even if Levi had a crooked pencil peen with a misshapen head, they could've injected it with a little Crisco to fatten it up a bit. There's no excuse.

In between shots for Wall Street 2 (send your hate mail to Michael Douglas) in NYC today, Shia LaDouche gently kissed on Carey Mulligan's little nose like she was a precious Disney Princess. I know I should be "awwwing" in the heart over this, but mouth-to-nose fucking isn't my thing. I'd rather cuddle up to a filthy peen (see below) than get mocos on my lips. I have some standards (no, I don't).

Here's more of the co-stars/love birds being sweet today. How much do you want to bet that Shia calls Carey's nose "Mom."

Out Magazine named their 100 honorees, and Glamberace was hailed as the breakout of the year. Since Out is a gay magazine, I would expect them to ask Glamberace about how Ryan Gaycrest would always offer to give him a bikini wax with his tongue. You know, interesting things like that. But instead, they got to talking about his experience with the other kind of vagina.

Are you toying with perception when you talk about how you could be bi-curious? Or are you generally attracted to women?
I will make out with a girl at a bar. I mean, after a couple of drinks.

[Laughing] That doesn’t make you any less gay. Get three mai tais in a gay boy and he’ll make out with a girl. Sex is something different.
That’s why I say I’m curious. There are gay guys that gag and go “eww” at the thought of having sex with a girl. I’m curious about it, because I’ve never done it.

Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
Oral.

You went down on her?
Uh-huh.

Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17... The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.

And it’s threatening.
Well, it’s threatening personally because you start identifying as a certain thing for so long, the idea of kind of going outside of that is scary because you’re like, “But that’s who I am!” Being curious and embracing that curiosity is all a part of what I’m about. You don’t have to be any one thing. You can kinda just be. Just live your life -- and play.

If it was Glamberace's first time at the clambake, how did he know if she was dirty down there or not? I sampled from the oyster buffet in the 90s (WE ALL DID), and it didn't make me want to reach for the barf bag or anything. Mostly, I just closed my eyes, clicked my heels and wished that a 9-inch peen would pop out.

I'm guessing that stank snatch is just like stank dick. When dick is rancid, you know as soon as you pull the fly down. Seriously, you can smell it right away. It's like a week-old grilled cheese sandwich lying on a hot subway seat in the middle of August. Your nose hairs curl, your tonsils start throbbing and your slut skills are put to the test. You have to ask yourself if licking peen is really worth spending the next few days scraping dick butter off your tongue. And if your tongue comes across a big chunk of foreskin cheese, IT IS ALL OVER. MAN DOWN CODE 10.

And don't ask me how I went from Glamberace licking on vag to the dangerous world of dirty dick sucking.

Over on Twitter, there were rumors that Ken Ober went off to heaven. Many brushed off the rumors, because we all know MTV game show hosts live forever. But sadly, they don't, because Ken's manager confirms that he died over the weekend at the age of 52.

Ken was best known for hosting MTV's Remote Control for 5 seasons. Ken went on to host Make Me Laugh and also produced a few episodes of The New Adventures of Old Christine.

There's not many details on Ken's death. According to Ken's manager, he complained about a headache and flu-like symptoms on Saturday night. Ken told friends that he was going to take some medication and see a doctor as soon as possible. Ken was found dead in his Santa Monica, CA home on Sunday.

Below is a clip from Remote Control. I always wanted to be a contestant on that show, because they got to sit in fat chairs and eat imaginary snacks. Rest in Peace, Ken.....

Adriana Lima and her husband, basketball player Marko Jaric, have a brand new baby friend (of the female variety). Adriana's spokeswhore confirmed to People that she gave birth to a girl in NYC last night, "Adriana and Marko are thrilled to announce they had a baby girl, Valentina Lima Jaric. Mother, father and baby are all doing well."

I'm sure that as soon as she popped out her baby, her stomach went flat, her titties jumped for heaven and she let out a long butt hum (models don't fart) that caused her ass to shrink. Bitch will be back in a bikini by this weekend.

And I think we're all wondering the same thing: Does Valentina look like her mother, or does she have her father's marble eyes? If it's the latter, let's just tell her that her lil' eyes love her nose so much that they always want to be together. And if that doesn't work, we can tell her that when she grows up she can play the real-life Doug in a movie.

We're all awful people.