Assault With A Deadly Cheeto
40-year-old James Earl Taylor (Unfortunately, not that one) and his 44-year-old girlfriend Mary S. Childers were having a fight (probably about who was going to siphon gas from the neighbor's pick-up so they could go to Wal-Mart) when they did the UNTHINKABLE! They threw Cheetos at each other! The Shelbyville Times Gazette in Tennessee says that the police were called, because abuse of Cheetos is a serious crime. However, I think the officer at the scene is guilty of the same crime.....
According to the police report, James Taylor and Mary got "involved in a verbal altercation at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault." Holy Cheesus! "Cheetos potato chips"?! Cheetos and potato chips hate each other! A Cheeto wouldn't even let a potato chip lick its peen after a drunken night. That's real hate.
The report went on to say, "There was evidence of the assault. However no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined." Well, at least these two fucktards came to their senses by licking up the Cheeto dust left on their bodies. Never waste the Cheeto dust.
James Taylor and Mary were arrested and charged with domestic assault. They are due back in court on July 15th.
Expect Our Lady of Cheetos to be front row in the court room to speak for the innocent victim who doesn't have a voice in any of this: CHEETOS. You don't disrespect the Cheeto like that! The only time Brit Brit is okay with someone throwing Cheetos is if they are throwing them into her hole (you choose which one). Cheetos were made for love, not war!
(Thanks Stephanie)
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oh you are awful MK,siphoning gas so they can go to Wal-Mart,LOL
Cheeto dust leaves a trail everywhere ! I was drunk one night munching on cheetos, and there was trail of dust from my bed to the bathroom...on the pillows, too..Ha ha....
A Cheeto wouldn't even let a potato chip lick its peen after a drunken night. That's real hate.
HAHA oh man... I love MK. His syntax is sexy. ;)
I speak Cop: James Taylor and Mary got "involved in a verbal altercation at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault. There was evidence of the assault. However no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined."
English: "JT and M threw Cheetos and yelled at each other. We found Cheetos but no marks on either party. We can't tell who started the fight."
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Felix Cane on Conan O'Brien 6/25/09
Submitted by Rishkin on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:50pm.
Years ago I threw a McDLT (member them) at a boyfriend, I also threw ribs at my husband.
I'm a food assaulter
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Hi Rishkin!
(LOL)
♥ Threadkilla!
Jason Jones: "So why is aged news better than...real news? "Well, I don't think this is AGED news." "Give me one thing in there that happened today." ~ Interviewing Rick Berke, ASM of the NY Times for The Daily Show.
hotheathenmess on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 2:34pm.
Does that Cheeto curve to the right or the left? Enquiring minds wanna know!
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depends if you are looking at it from the top or from the bottom
Does that Cheeto curve to the right or the left? Enquiring minds wanna know!
That pic qualifies as food porn.
^^ is that the cutest shepherd puppy ever, or what?
Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 1:18pm.
no problem.. and that is too cute.
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"EH, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and suck it, but I fear being unoriginal.
*SALUTES*"--------ISprainedMyUvula 06/12/09
jack, I'll hold you to that, sharing shep stories is the best.
one quickie, my friend had a shep named herman, and if you told him he was dirty, he'd go stand in the bathtub. once he got lonely in his wading pool so he picked up the cat and took him in too, lolo.
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Fucka doodle-do.
hoffer... yea, i'll tell ya a little more about em in open post. they are the coolest dogs ever!
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"EH, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and suck it, but I fear being unoriginal.
*SALUTES*"--------ISprainedMyUvula 06/12/09
Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 1:01pm.
uueeewww, my shep has the worst fart times today.
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Ah, the green cloud. Good times.
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If a kid tells you he is going to throw up......believe it.
Jack
I know. I once had to move a Texas hold em party to a friends house becuase he was under the table dropping bombs.
but you had two? lucky bastard! the best of all dogs.
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Fucka doodle-do.
I am laughing so fucking hard. WOW.
Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 1:01pm.
uueeewww, my shep has the worst fart times today.
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that made me dry heave...
only because i used to have 2 german shepherds that would come in at night and sleep in my bedroom... HOLY.HELL. sometimes i would have to drag their ass to the living room it was so bad.
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"EH, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and suck it, but I fear being unoriginal.
*SALUTES*"--------ISprainedMyUvula 06/12/09
UVULA - They say if you do it right, you should lose 2lbs a week. However you usually lose more in the first week. I've done it several times when I've needed to lose 10lbs (like now)!
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*Blondeface*
where's open post???
janet jackson is in L.A., God she looks terrible.
TMZ is getting the tape of the 9-11 call from jackson's house.
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Fucka doodle-do.
To coin a phrase, only in America. Mainly 'cos we can't get Cheetos. Wankers.
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"In other news, the University of Color Me Surprised released a report today which states that water is indeed wet. Mind. Boggled" - Michael K, who else?
uueeewww, my shep has the worst fart times today.
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Fucka doodle-do.
angel_i: i was laughing so much that I had to share them...and I totally know the 'lava' laws....too funny!
Submitted by kdracofan on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:35pm.
STUPID LAWS
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LOL!
You know when you were a kid and you'd go to the playground and everyone would be playing some capture the flag or tag kinda game and they would have marked out areas that were...like, lava? Lava, or snakes or some kinda thing that you couldn't step on...? So there were boundaries for the game, like...
and you'd walk in the playground and they'd all start yelling: You can't step there ! Can't step there! It's LAVA!...and so you say: It's ok, man, I wasn't here when you did that. I'm not playing - you go ahead but, yeah, I'm not in this - I'm just hanging around over here.
That's how I am with marijuana laws. *puffpuff* Yeah, dude - don't mind me, man, I wasn't here when you guys did that...I'm just hanging over here..*puffpuff*
(I have to go find this D-List comedian's name...he's still pretty good...that was his)
But seriously. Those laws remind of stuff like that. I can just hear the stupid arguments that preceded stupid laws like that. I mean, some of those are a little more like laws of nature, really...
Except this one. This one just sounds cranky:
In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
LOL!
♥ Threadkilla!
Jason Jones: "So why is aged news better than...real news? "Well, I don't think this is AGED news." "Give me one thing in there that happened today." ~ Interviewing Rick Berke, ASM of the NY Times for The Daily Show.
Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:55pm.
In Hanford, California, it is illegal for an adult to stop a child from splashing in a mudpuddle.
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Hell yeah!!!
He Dicho! caso cerrado!!
In Hanford, California, it is illegal for an adult to stop a child from splashing in a mudpuddle.
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"Oderint dum metuant." Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (aka Caligula)
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The puffy cheetos suck. Crunchy is the only way to go when stopping at a gas station in Barstow.
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LOVECARROTOP: You might complaint today but ONE DAY, ONE DAY i tell you, you will thank me!
(lmao)
Submitted by shut the smurf up on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:48pm.
*swoon*
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"EH, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and suck it, but I fear being unoriginal.
*SALUTES*"--------ISprainedMyUvula 06/12/09
EEG- You poor thing. :( I'd offer to give you some ass but it just sounds so slutty.
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"I do believe in goats." - Johnny Depp
Years ago I threw a McDLT (member them) at a boyfriend, I also threw ribs at my husband.
I'm a food assaulter
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It made a charming comeback three days ago. Doc did tell me to expect to be sick for up to a month.
ISMU, I have no ass. *cries*
It's against the law to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.
Team Doritos
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Never Can Say Goodbye
There's no way in hell you can throw a Cheeto at someone! LMAO
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"When you see crazy coming....cross the street." John Salley
"I just begun too" Teresa Giudice
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:45pm.
My alcohol goes either in abottle of water (vodka) bottle of Apple juice (Beer) or a Medium DD ice coffe cup covered with a large hot coffe cup.
Exhibit A
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=...
He Dicho! caso cerrado!!
Submitted by EastEndGirl on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:40pm.
ISMU,
I can cough on you if you like. Have lost almost ten pounds with this stupid flu.
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Dude, are you still ill? Wow.
Pau D'arco Bark. That'll clean your lungs out in a heartbeat.
Either way, I hope you're feeling better soon.
♥ Threadkilla!
Jason Jones: "So why is aged news better than...real news? "Well, I don't think this is AGED news." "Give me one thing in there that happened today." ~ Interviewing Rick Berke, ASM of the NY Times for The Daily Show.
Submitted by freebird on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:41pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:38pm.
"In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. "
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There goes my effin weekend!
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LOL!
We took a trip to Whitehorse (where my uncle was born) and there's this HUGE sign when you enter that says something like (it was a long time ago) NO DRINKING ALCOHOL IN THE STREET...like etched (but nicely) into wood....
Of course, everyone drinks everywhere in Whitehorse so on our way out we made a point of taking lots of drinking, drunken party pics with that sign;p
♥ Threadkilla!
Jason Jones: "So why is aged news better than...real news? "Well, I don't think this is AGED news." "Give me one thing in there that happened today." ~ Interviewing Rick Berke, ASM of the NY Times for The Daily Show.
EEG- Shit, girl- I can't figure out where you'd lose 10 from. Hope you're on the mend and I'll be right over so you can cough on me.
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"I do believe in goats." - Johnny Depp
Submitted by freebird on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:41pm.
freebird - lol... ya know those back-pack water bottle things that I guess people who ride bikes or some shit wear? Yea, filled one with beer last weekend and went to my nephews little league game... no one was the wiser. Kept getting the side-eye from the wife, but she's cool.
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"EH, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and suck it, but I fear being unoriginal.
*SALUTES*"--------ISprainedMyUvula 06/12/09
It ain't easy bein cheesy.
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
SMURF!
He Dicho! caso cerrado!!
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
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...And there goes mine!!!
♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀
Chicago area 5K race 2009: http://rallyforautism.com/
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful -- Seneca
Submitted by Raul Duke on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:25pm.
Fuck with me and I'll cut you with a Ruffle.
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LOL ah good snack food weapon of choice there -- cause R-r-r-ruffles has R-r-r-ridges that can do some serious damage.... plus no orange fingers as evidence.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 12:38pm.
"In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. "
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There goes my effin weekend!
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Get you one of them big hefty bags and fill it with beer. That ain't a bucket!
That Cheeto in the pic is looking so crispy and cheesy. I want it now!!!
ISMU,
I can cough on you if you like. Have lost almost ten pounds with this stupid flu.
MJT- Any idea how much I can expect to lose a week? I swear, I blinked and I'm muffin topping again. Urgh.
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"I do believe in goats." - Johnny Depp
Holy fuck kdraco.
It took me 4 seconds to scroll up through that post.
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Team Enthusiastic Wizard Broomstick Meets Thrusthole!
"In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. "
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There goes my effin weekend!
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"EH, I'd tell you to shut the fuck up and suck it, but I fear being unoriginal.
*SALUTES*"--------ISprainedMyUvula 06/12/09
STUPID LAWS
STUPID LOCAL LAWS
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. << Note: this law isn't silly. Write your legislators today and get this PASSED in your area now!!>>
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
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printed in the local paper....
In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal, I repeat, illegal, to paint polka dots on the American flag.
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville , NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.
And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
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It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
Two people cannot kiss in front of a church.
All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday.
Pedestrians always have the right of way.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
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In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
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Pennsylvania:
In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:
1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."
2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery."
3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."
Utah:
It is against the law to fish from horseback.
Ohio:
In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
Indiana:
Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.
Kansas:
No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.
California:
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
Oklahoma:
Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
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These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker; $8.95) Enjoy!
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
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In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.
In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.
A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.
Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.
Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virgina - provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.
You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.
Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.
Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.
Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Holy Cheesus! "Cheetos potato chips"?! Cheetos and potato chips hate each other!
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Took the words right outta my mouth!
You always do that, bitch.
♥ Threadkilla!
Jason Jones: "So why is aged news better than...real news? "Well, I don't think this is AGED news." "Give me one thing in there that happened today." ~ Interviewing Rick Berke, ASM of the NY Times for The Daily Show.
Um, of course there wouldn't be any marks. CHEETOS CAN'T HURT YOU!