Criss Angel: Dick Bag, Fake Ass And Pussy Thief
While reading this shit about Criss Angel from Page Six, it took me a little while to realize they were talking about an actual cat that goes meow and not about a vagina. I mean, look at the first few lines:
MAGICIAN Criss Angel is accused of stealing Jeff Beacher's cat. And Beacher, the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher's Madhouse revue, is threatening to sue to get his pussy back.
I mean, who steals a cat?! I guess that royal douchebag Criss Angel does. Jeff claims that when his father passed away, he inherited the family cat they call "Hamlet." Jeff was living at the Hard Rock Hotel at the time, so he asked his friend to care for Hamlet until he moved out. A little while later, Jeff's phone rang and there was a dirty tampon on the other end of the line. It was Criss who told Jeff, "I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends."
What in the fuckity fuck?! Who wrote that line for Criss? Christopher Guest?! Criss needs to stick his whole fist up his ass (rings included). What an asshole! Hamlet probably thinks Criss' hair is his long-lost mommy, so he's totally being tricked!
Jeff is planning to sue Criss for pussy thievery if he doesn't return Hamlet.
You know, Kate Gosselin should also file a lawsuit against Criss for stealing her signature dead beaver coif.
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"I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends."
Mm, psychotic break much?
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...don't say things like that after I get myself all worked up fighting with a gay. I'm always kinda frisky after that....angel_i
Criss Angel.It is said that he had a profile on “richcupids.com”. Is he dating someone seriously there?
Submitted by Jill-The-Ripper on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 9:12am.
I can jutht hear thith ath if Crith himthelf were thpeaking:
"Crith Angel thtealth puthy and ith fathing a law thuit"
Baaaaahahahah!
Submitted by Sandbitch on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:45am.
Call it a hunch but I reckon his magic doesn't extend to the peen & that's why Holly Madison did a runner. Compared to an 80yo then dumped, LOL.
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Poor Holly! Her golddigga meter was broken then. She's ok now tho, that's all that matters:)
♥ ThreadKilla!
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I can jutht hear thith ath if Crith himthelf were thpeaking:
"Crith Angel thtealth puthy and ith fathing a law thuit"
Wow what an asshole... that's grounds for a massive ass whoopin' right there.
submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 2:21am.
Yep. Its lovely here, I still don't know why the 'Come to Melbourne, if you ever want to see you children again' tourist campaign failed.
---Did the campaign also include the safety warning: If you wish to abduct a kiddie from a Melbourne car park, ensure you don't pick one that belongs to the secret mistress of someone in the underground drug chain.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 2:16am.
I'm pretty sure that if you put Criss Angel and David Blaine in the same room, one of them will make the penis disappear.
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That makes Paris a magician too. 'Cept theres a burning sensation before it drops off.
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
Submitted by Sandbitch on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 2:15am.
--Yar, middle aged Brizbun. And 2c is in Melbun, crime central of Austroilya.
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Yep. Its lovely here, I still don't know why the 'Come to Melbourne, if you ever want to see you children again' tourist campaign failed.
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
I'm pretty sure that if you put Criss Angel and David Blaine in the same room, one of them will make the penis disappear.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:50am.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:44am.
No need to worry. Sandbitch is in safely in Brizzy.
--Yar, middle aged Brizbun. And 2c is in Melbun, crime central of Austroilya.
Submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 2:11am.
He finally made the girl disappear, maybe he's a magician after all.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Not that I'm any experienced in weak middle aged peen or anything...
I've given it up, kind of. Just sayin.
Submitted by Sandbitch on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:45am.
:0
Ruh Roh!
Hehehe. I think she only dated Chris for the free douche anyway. Little did she know her snatch would end up smelling of top hats, rabbits and pyrotechnic smoke.
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:44am.
No need to worry. Sandbitch is in safely in Brizzy.
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
Submitted by Sandbitch on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:45am.
Call it a hunch but I reckon his magic doesn't extend to the peen & that's why Holly Madison did a runner. Compared to an 80yo then dumped, LOL.
Yep, small weak middle aged peen with bad hair dye fersure.
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woo, thank god for my hair
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Call it a hunch but I reckon his magic doesn't extend to the peen & that's why Holly Madison did a runner. Compared to an 80yo then dumped, LOL.
Yep, small weak middle aged peen with bad hair dye fersure.
Submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:38am.
That would depend upon the pussy. Trying to get away from the rabid ones.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:26am.
They better be caste iron 'cause I hear Uncle is a lusty drunk. BTW, you planning any pussy rescue operations in Vegas? There might be some spending money in it for you!
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
Submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:24am.
I'm supposed to hang out with that guy in LA next week at this time. I'm wearing fingerproof undies.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:15am.
Submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:11am.
or Uncle Ashtray on a motorcycle. Where the fuck IS that guy anyway?
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Imma guess he's somewhere fingering something.
*sticks nekkid Salma Hayek pics to dlisted walls*
He'll be here shortly.
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
Submitted by MyTwoCents on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 1:11am.
or Uncle Ashtray on a motorcycle. Where the fuck IS that guy anyway?
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 12:21am.
Submitted by FritoDorito on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 12:17am.
Seriously. Why is Criss Angel even on here? He is to magic what Dane Cook is to comedy. They've heard about it, but they're not sure it exists.
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Lol. He's as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
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Know why they don't play Rock / Paper / Scissors / Pussy? Because NOTHING beats pussy! -- Toom Viltrax
Submitted by FritoDorito on Sat, 05/16/2009 - 12:17am.
Seriously. Why is Criss Angel even on here? He is to magic what Dane Cook is to comedy. They've heard about it, but they're not sure it exists.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 11:15pm.
Submitted by FritoDorito on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 10:58pm.
We've reached the golden shower age of Hollywood, hence Kim Kardashian.
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That's exactly who I had in mind. That's why I said "the brown and yellow" because all of these people are full of shit and they get pissed on for fun.
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"This is why I beat hookers" - Tig from Sons of Anarchy
The only thing his ensemble is missing is some Rick Ross fake as shit Louis Vuitton sunglasses.
Submitted by FritoDorito on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 10:58pm.
We've reached the golden shower age of Hollywood, hence Kim Kardashian.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Submitted by FritoDorito on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 10:58pm.
Holy hell, I turn on Dlisted and I see that it is diseased douchebag and coochie day.
Mk's mother is in town visiting. I think this is him behaving. *eyeroll*
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"I'm not a victim, I'm a slut" - overheard in a park.
Tiger - what are your thoughts on Midge the one eyed jogging kitty from an earlier story? I didn't think cats were into physical fitness aside from power napping and litter kicking.
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"I'm not a victim, I'm a slut" - overheard in a park.
Holy hell, I turn on Dlisted and I see that it is diseased douchebag and coochie day. Piss Angel and Wonky McValtrex right on top of eachother? I'm going to have to have Hazmat come out and clean my monitor!
Meanwhile, why is this fucker famous? Hollywood is such a cesspool. There was the golden age of Hollywood and now we've reached the brown and yellow age, where all you have to do is make a sex tape to get famous. I am a scared of where there is to go from here.
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"This is why I beat hookers" - Tig from Sons of Anarchy
Submitted by angel_i on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 8:37pm.
@Tigerlilly:
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Yeah, I can't blame Chrissy...I wanted to steal a pussy myself, but my mamma wouldn't let me...and this shit weren't when I was a kid...Nope, they was this DOPE ASS CAT that usta come around my mamma's place...And I wanted to kittynap his ass, but my mamma said that lil' fucker had a collar and a home (cuz she called his owners) and I couldn't kittynap him cuz that would be wrong....HOW IS IT WRONG IF YOU LUUUUUUUURVE HIM?????? (I know, I know...THERAPY..)
I'll choke on these words, but STEAL YOU A PUSSY... TEAM DOUCHE ANGEL!!!!
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
@Tigerlilly:
LOL!
I'm like a pussy thief!
I steal the cat!
I'm like a kitty catcher!
Pussies like that!
So just enjoy the show....!
♥ ThreadKilla!
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Pussy stealer
kitty- Pussy stealer
You're a pussy stealer
Oh pussy stealer
Oh You're a pussy stealer, kitteh
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Pussy stealer,Pussy Stealer, Pussy Stealer....
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
The balls this guy has, thinking he can wear Kate's hairdo.
God, what a played out tool. Nice fuckin bling, dawg *snort*
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"You can lead a whore to culture,
But you can't stop her from throwing a glass of vodka at it." -DEB
I am sure this cat will quit him soon too! I know very little about him, but just looking at him is enough...blech! Run kitty Hamlet, Run...you can come to my house and hang with my crew Bootsie, Tom and Jerry....we won't do freaky things to you...and you will be safe I promise...
Submitted by 2Di4 on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 4:24pm.
remember rule #1: don't decorate the ugly.
LOL! Words to live by!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by Big Bertha on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 5:37pm.
he's such a douche-bag
who the fuck goes to his shows in Vegas?
Hey BB...I live in Vegas and can tell you NOBODY goes to his shows other than really old ladies with blue rinsed hair who thought the word "Angel" on the ticket meant it was a tent revival. That and the free roll of quarters they give away to get some butts in the seats.
"Rhoda, we're all aware that you're an adroit liar"
he's such a douche-bag
who the fuck goes to his shows in Vegas?
I've said it once and I'll say it again: If this douchebag's such a great illusionist, why can't he make his fucking lisp disappear?
I need to learn better curse words to describe what I really feel towards this towering douche.
AND HE USED MY FLAT-IRON. F'R!!!
And he's starting to show the reverse mullet - Stock Broker's nightmare.
Who let this douche in mah house??? He's wearing all mah jewelry!!
I fucking hate Criss Angel. He's just a fucking guido-douchebag-TOOL who forgot to take off his "Tommy Lee" costume after Halloween was over. When your goal in life is to be David Blaine II, it's time to put the gun in your mouth.
Kiss,
Fifi
"Self improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction..."
Someone needs to kick this fag's ass and punk him out, so that he'll shut up, go away, and quietly open a magic store in some fucking Midwestern strip mall.
Someone needs to beat this idiot's ass...seriously...
he probably wants that cat in his act,cheap A crisco.
***^o^*~v~*****
"Happy Wife,Happy Life"- RHoNJ
Christopher Guest. LOL.
Wasn't there a story about a stolen dog with Nicholas Cage and Kathleen Turner? Gosh, these celebrities have enough money to buy their own pets. Losers!
He's lost it.. completely.