American Idol: The Week Simon Tries To Fuck With Our Heads
Last night's American Idol was like the longest elevator ride ever. An elevator ride that just doesn't end. Although, some of the performances didn't have me staring at the emergency button just aching to yank it. But most of them did. I knew this wasn't going to be a fun time party hour when Jamie Foxx was revealed as the super secret mystery mentor. Jamie Foxx and The Rat Pack go together like Gaycrest and vaginas.
Jamie as their mentor was sometimes funny, sometimes helpful, but overall he was creepy as a Papa Joe. I wanted to scream at the contestants, "If he offers you a white wine spritzers, don't drink it! You'll wake up with a bleeding ass in the bath tub of a Super 8!" Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Now on to the butchery! JUMP!!
Kris Allen "The Way You Look Tonight" - Simon Cowell called Kris "wet." At that moment, thousands of crazy fangirls all screamed in union, "ME TOO!" Kris knows exactly what he's doing when he's "taking off your clothes and rocking your coochie with his" eyes. Kris has mastered the eyefuck. Sometimes after watching Kris, I feel I gotta stick an EPT up my ass to make sure I'm not pregnant. I mean, Kris' voice can be found on any old 98 Degrees record. It's fine, but that's not why legions of horny tween girls are breaking their phones in two by voting for him over and over again. And by "legions of horny tween girls" I mean me.
Allison Iraheta "Someone To Watch Over Me" - Last night, it finally hit me as to why I love Allison so much. It's because in about 30 years, she'll boozing inside a HoJo's bar at 10am yapping to anyone who will listen about how she could've been a big star. Then she'll pass out face first into her pancakes after her 12th tequila shot. There's a major alkie inside of Allison just aching to get out! I love her because she's one of us! That being said, I hope she goes on to win this shit and makes trillions of dollars, so that in 30 years she can pass out at a bar inside the Four Seasons instead of HoJo's. And I can't say anything bad about Allison last night. She's the whiskey in my Boilermaker.
Matt Giraud "My Funny Valentine" - Who dressed Matt last night? My high school drama teacher? Matt looked like he was getting ready to star in a HS version of "Death of a Salesman." Speaking of death, that's what should happen to Matt tonight. It was fucking awful! The notes were all over the damn place. He sounded like my neighbor's dog after it got the debarking surgery. Just a hoarse mess. It's a sound that still keeps me awake at night. And Simon said he was BRILLIANT. What's not brilliant is Simon trying to pull that reverse psychology shit. Just speak the truth Simon. Matt is rotten milk and it's time we throw him out of the fridge.
Danny COCKY "Come Rain or Come Shine" - I'm so mad at Jamie Foxx! You know how he got into Hokye's face to break down his wall or whatever? I thought it was all a trick and Jamie was really going to gnaw off his vocal cords, so we don't have to hear Gokey's unbearable warbling anymore! But this performance was honestly his best, but that's not saying anything. I didn't punch my ears or call my mommy in tears asking why the skeezy Gokey is still violating my TV screen. So there's something to be said for that.
Adam Lambert "Feeling Good" - Glamberace was in full glittery force last night! I not only tasted the rainbow, but I choked in it. When he strutted down the stairs at the beginning, I expected him to rip off his "guido dyke at her own wedding" outfit to reveal fishnet thigh highs and sequined pasties. That was some burlesque shit right there! Dita Von Teese who? Seriously, Adam should've climbed into a giant martini glass and given himself a sponge bath. That was the only thing that was missing. And you might have noticed that during his SCREEEECHING final note, the sun rose and then set again in a matter of seconds. That's because the earth was trying to spin Glamberace off the damn planet to end all his hollerin'.
Now on to predictions. This might be easy.
Who will be sent to the execution line? Allison (sight) and Matt.
Who will be executed? THE MOLE!!!!!
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If I have to see Adam stick out his nasty, huge, white tongue again I am going to puke. Cant he screech & keep that in his mouth or something. I dont see anyone elses tongue. Brush that shit!!
Love Allison. I just wish she would talk more & stop seeming so nervous & blank when asked a question. She really does need more confidence.
When Adam's name was called he looked like like he let out a wet fart!
I'm starting to think that Idol is making this shit up,(The bottom three votes) because he
has been already declared the winner and they don't want to discourage
people from voting and watching till the end. I knew Matt was going home.
"Get that corn outta my face!"
It seems to me like American Idol is trying to skirt around the fact that Adam's gay. Any other contestant with a significant other gets that mentioned in their backstory, but whenever Adam's boyfriend is onscreen he's listed as one of "Adam's friends". They dance around it once in a while, like in this episode when Simon made some comment about the way he walked down the stairs, but it's never really acknowledged. I don't know whether it has to do with the fact that American Idol's on Fox and draws a lot of conservative viewers, but I'd love to see Adam dedicate a song to his boyfriend once and see people's reactions.
Adam is fucking awful. Great performer, sure, but go try out for Broadway. Radio is already dying enough as it is, we don't need some drama queen screeching on every damn song.
I've watched every season from the 2nd one on. When Ruben won, I was like 'WTF'? When Taylor won, I was like 'That's fucking retarded'.. If Adam wins, I'm done with this show. Americans are sheep apparently.
Oh and Kara has got to go, I'd be super surprised if she's around next year. FUCKING USELESS CUNT
Consider me fuckin' Willy fuckin' Wonka! This is my fucking chocolate factory! You got it? My factory!
Dating with rich people, find my love. My dream have been true on the hottest dating palce...mil lion airec hats.com...where you have the opportunity to make friends and chat with a millionaire or hot girl ,supermodels and so on.First i can't believe,then i sign up there.I found celebrities' profile with sexy photos and newest blogs there. you can know more about them. By the way I really got many friends including celebrities.it's so exciting.
I think either Matt or Allison are toast. Jamie Foxx was very creepy with them last night. Glad I am not the only one to notice.
mk, glambert does not 'screech' damnit. that shit gave me chillz last night. this kid is the shit. i see him ,not only as a prof. singer, but an actor, doing broadway; the sky is the limit for this kid. he is a born performer. mark my words. i am always right about this shit. on a lighter note, i wish i was a gay dude so i could suck the chrome off his bumper. there are lots of videos on the youtube of his earlier performances, they are very sexy and burlesque-like. he wears spandex pants, and lets just say, you could park a car in the shadow cast by his package. word.
I love Simon. I'd love to be his beard haha. Matt is going home. Matt is so ugly and his voice isn't all that. Danny sounds like he is losing his voice. Adam is awful, that screeching gives me a headache. Kris is so yummy. He will be cheating on his wife ASAP.
Jamie Foxx was the hottest. MMMMMMMM his eyes & body are hot.
Allison & Matt bottom two. Matt is going home with Ryan.
Adam sucked last night? BITCHES PUH-LEEZE! That bitch was nothing but hotness...
that being said, somebody please send Matt back to the Bells' Brewery in freaking Kalamazoo... I'm from Detroit and we know better than to stop in Kzoo for anything, other than beer and gas...
Danny One-Trick-Pokey needs to head out like a fetus too! I'm sure Amy Grant wets her bed when he sings. The world all ready has a Michael Bolton AND a Robert Downey Junior...
Kris can come and move in my house anytime he pleases... When Jamie said that if American Idol doesn't work out, he'd be willing to work with him I think he was really saying 'work on me' cause homeboy was smitten kitten after that shit!
Poor lil' Allison - that girl is just trying to be her carpet munching self. That being said, I heart her, but she ain't gone NO WHERE!
Oops, I forgot to add what I agreed with...
Simon is probably testing to see how much a sway he really has on the voting.
I agree with this KD! Why the hell would he tell Allison she sucked and Matt that he was brilliant? Allison rocked last night.
Glambert sucked last night! OH MY GOD! He sucked! He needs to stop screeching like a cat getting into a neighborhood brawl. For real. I'm so fucking sick of it.
That fucker Gokey, too. God, fuck him. Seriously. UGH!
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P.S.: Fuck you, Sarah Palin:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yFdijgMytUA
Chris Brown should get his ass kicked:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo65yaAumko
Adam's performance would have been so much better in drag. If he did that , I might even get my lazy ass of the couch and vote for him.
It sounds like I made the right choice by watching reruns on the History Channel.
"Does anyone else smell astroglide?"
'Stewie' on 'Family Guy'
Adam is the best contestant Idol has ever had.
Oh, please.. Adam couldn't wipe the sweat off of Elvis' nutsack.. although he probably would love to :P
Seriously get to the end of Chesares' performance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkU6ekp4SzM
or better yet, watch the whole movie.. and you will see who he's copying!
xoxo
I thought Adam was imitating Elvis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CMlYVu9J4g
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Why in bronzer on the nutsack hell is she naked, but he's fully clothed? Take all them panties off, Zac!
And by "legions of horny tween girls" I mean me.
BWAH!! MK, you slay me
I thought Matt looked a little too "Guys & Dolls" for me and Adam was very Elvis at the end of his 1968 comeback special where he sings "If I can Dream" (yes, the one with Celine a few years ago at the finale...gawd that was awful!)
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Why in bronzer on the nutsack hell is she naked, but he's fully clothed? Take all them panties off, Zac!
Gokey was in his element, I still want him GONE!
He has also looked a little worse for the wear these past few weeks, having his ass served by Adam's performances is not doing Gokey well.
And yes, Adam is a PERFORMER and SINGER. LEAVE HIM ALONE! At least he puts shit out in public that is not FORMULAIC! At least he's owning it every week.
Alison, I ♥ her. I might adopt her. She looked purdy last night.
Ugh Matt G. BUH BYE! And your little mole too!
Kris Allen, I don't get the adoration for him, he's like a little toy doll person.
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!
I beg you all to watch this old clip from The Idolmaker..ADAM LAMBERT totally copied Chesare:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkU6ekp4SzM
Submitted by dramaqueen365247 on Wed, 04/29/2009 - 3:08pm.
I agree that it would be a big mistake. I think he'd be awesome on Broadway or as the lead singer of some glampop/rock band or something.
I think Kris is probably the most marketable and I think Danny will have a career in Christian Rock or Easy Listening or something like that. I dunno about Allison but I love her and I think I would buy her record.
Submitted by Karma Police on Wed, 04/29/2009 - 3:04pm.
I still think Adam winning would be a horrible mistake. He's too much of a niche artist. & I don't see him changing that. I think he'd go the way of Taylor Hicks very quickly.
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
Submitted by dramaqueen365247 on Wed, 04/29/2009 - 2:34pm.
Is it possible that Adam is not receiving special treatment? That he, as a seasoned performer, thinks more about entrances & exits & backgrounds & simply asks if it's possible? I can't imagine they'd deny anyone if they're letting these kids pick their own songs & arrange them (often to their detriment).
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That could very well be. If that is the case, then the boy is more talented than I am giving him credit for. I do think he's a great entertainer so maybe he does come up with that stuff on his own...???
I still really think that everyone (Simon, other judges, producers, etc.) really wants Adam to win- not because it's a conspiracy theory- but because they see dollar signs when they look at him.
hehehe. michael k. must give a resumé of the latest Idol shows because Yooootoooobe pulled out the videos... :D
Btw, I'm not even faintly interested in that show.
WHO THE FUCK CARES, THEY ALL FUCKING SUCK!!!
THE MOLE MUST GO! and even I have to admit Gokey belongs in the top three with Allison and Adam. But all the little whores love Kris and he's got the most downloads on itunes after Adam so you never know...
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
Submitted by Thataboy on Wed, 04/29/2009 - 2:44pm.
If you didn't know, Adam copied the Muse version of Feeling Good (it is on YouTube).
Which makes sense, because Muse is just about the only type of music I can think of that Adam could sell (the lead singer has that same melodramatic, high pitched, falsetto/squelch). Only Muse sings about politics, whereas Adam will probably sing about his supermassive black no-no hole. Ha, I made myself laugh.
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He sounds alot like AFI to me and they are one of my favorite bands....he would make a really good emo rock album...
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When incorporating food into sex, hindsight is 20/20.
If you didn't know, Adam copied the Muse version of Feeling Good (it is on YouTube).
Which makes sense, because Muse is just about the only type of music I can think of that Adam could sell (the lead singer has that same melodramatic, high pitched, falsetto/squelch). Only Muse sings about politics, whereas Adam will probably sing about his supermassive black no-no hole. Ha, I made myself laugh.
Adam smartly is using moderately obscure alternative/indie covers of the cheesy songs that American Idol has on their approved-song lists. 99.9% of viewers (and all 4 clueless "music industry" judges) won't know he is copying -- they'll just think Adam is an artistic genius, capable of completely rearranging songs in the couple days they have to work.
So good job, Glambert. Do whatever it takes to destroy that essence of pure evil, El Hokey.
YAY!!!! American Idol recap!!!!!
Allison was fucking awesome, and Simon is a douche for saying, "yeah, you were good but I have a bad feeling about tonight." Whatever, Simon, go pet your furry tittays and leave Allison ALONE!
Matt was awful, what the hell was with Simon telling him he did a great job, and why the fuck did they save his MOLE-y ass?
Kris is so hot. And the eye sex he dished out last night was fantastic. He totally reminds me of some 90s tween heartthrob. Can't think of the name of the dude.
Gokey did ai'ght.
I am sooo not liking Lambert. The voice continues to torture me. He should be on Broadway, but never ever ever on the radio. Hearing him over the airwaves will make too many people's eardrums spontaneously burst. It will make babies cry, and won't be good for anyone's blood pressure. Making him the next American Idol is a mistake that we cannot, as Americans, afford to make. We're already losing enough of our countrymen to Swine Flu (eeeek!).
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You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel, you're fucking psychotic! ~ Veronica Sawyer
Is it possible that Adam is not receiving special treatment? That he, as a seasoned performer, thinks more about entrances & exits & backgrounds & simply asks if it's possible? I can't imagine they'd deny anyone if they're letting these kids pick their own songs & arrange them (often to their detriment).
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
new siggie...
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Kris knows exactly what he's doing when he's "taking off your clothes and rocking your coochie with his" eyes. MK 4/29/09
Oh God, waaah waah waaah. I have a roommate who is always complaining about those who get "special treatment" and who the judges "clearly want to win," yet he fails to realize that he's talking about different people every week. Allison and others have gotten to walk down the stairs as the stage opens for them. They all have different lighting. They've all gotten a range of praise and criticism from the judges, even if not to an identical degree. These stupid AI "conspiracy theories" really annoy the fuck out of me. It's subjective show, not everything has to "make sense"!!!
Oh, for the love of tree toads, Jason Mraz rocked this hat a few years ago and it didn't look hot then. Duh.
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The pair of moobs that makes a cameo at the 0:45 second was an interesting surprise - MK
I thought everyone sounded pretty good last night except that I htink Matt is cheesy and Adam overdoes everything.
I liked Kris, Allison and Danny though. Thought they were all really good.
I hate how Adam gets special treatment- with the special entrance and better lighting and all. They should just give him the title now if they want him to win so badly.
Adams screeching is just NOT needed in every freaking song. He's also got a lizard tongue.
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still...TEAM VINCE BITCHES
has the gay kid been eliminated yet? or is he a shoe in.
MK, your updates make my day! :)
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Who Would Brian Kinney Do?
I never have watched AI either. I don't even know when it is on. Michael K is my only connection to this.
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While I thought everyone but Matt sounded okay, I only liked Kris.
He's the only one who tried to keep some flavor of the Rat Pack & also tried to make it his own, dawg, & incorporate all the advice he's gotten.
I agree w/ Ricki about Adam. He sounded good, but it's almost formulaic at the is point. I think Allyson has a great voice, but I feel she makes everything into a rock song, & we know Danny boy is going to start out slow & increase tempo. Blah. I want to be wowwed again.
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Wed, 04/29/2009 - 2:19pm.
Okay, I'll start:
I hate this show!
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Hahahaaha!
well, normally i love love love Adam. after he sings i throw up my hands and declare the contest over right then.
but last nite eh, not so much.
i really like the song he sang. i really like the michael buble version of it. It's something i would actually buy and listen to at home. i thought adam kind of ruined it. it totally lost the bluesy soul of it and didn't need all the extra shit he added.
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'fuck you guys. i'm goin' home.'
Submitted by Team Valtrex on Wed, 04/29/2009 - 2:19pm.
Okay, I'll start:
I hate this show!
I second that!
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"I'm in the Dark here!!!"
I was listening to this from the other room and only really heard Matt, but I was with Randy on that one. "That was just a little pitchy to me, Dawg." Brilliant? Right. Simon is probably testing to see how much a sway he really has on the voting.
Okay, I'll start:
I hate this show!
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
I find Paula offensive and that's why I have stopped watching this show a long time ago!
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"I'm in the Dark here!!!"
Eh. Allison was the only one I really liked. She switched it up a bit for once, which was nice.
I hate the Mole. He is ugly and has no star power.
Danny Gokey always sucks.
Kris Allen is attractive but somewhat bland, and I don't like the country-tinged inflections he always sings with.
Adam is starting to annoy me. He has nothing to prove at this point, and let's face it, not every song requires prolonged, high-pitch wailing. It looks sad, desperate, and forced when he does it in performances where it doesn't really belong - last night. Tone it down, damn.
Blah. The past 2 weeks have barely interested me. If next week is "Christian rock" week or something else retarded, I'm quitting this bitch so fast. Just let them sing normal songs!!! Fuckers.
At the moment I kind of like Simon. That could change because my mind is like passing clouds in a blue sky. But there is something about him.
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Adam is awesome. I love flash!