American Idol: My Thoughts Exactly, Simon
Simon! Oh, how I just want to fuck his fur tittays with a suppository (in a good way)! On last night's American Idol, Simon was like a big bowl of meth-spiked punch at the bore prom! If I got a penny for every time he rolled his eyes during one of the other judge's comments, I'd have enough money to replace Adam Lambert's tired old not-so-skinny jeans! Or Lil Rounds a new wig (we'll get to that later). More after the jump. JUMP!!!
Simon's nipples were feeling extra chaffy, because the dumb ass producers decided it was a genius idea to only let two judges critique each contestant so they wouldn't go over time. Simon does not like being silenced! The only time Simon likes to be gagged is when he's down in his private dungeon with Gaycrest. I mean, who cares about what Randy and Kara DioWHYAREYOUSTILLHERE have to say? Randy is just going to mutter, "Dawg, for me, dawg, ur hot, for me, dawg, for me, dawg..." That's it! I need Simon to speak, because the truth dribbles down his face onto his warm, luscious chichis. And Paula is always entertaining, because she likes to recite inspirational quotes she read at the bottom of her receipt after Chinese lunch. Example: "You dare to dance in the path of greatness." That Vicodin tea must have been extra-strong last night.
Now on to the whores who sung for their LIVES! Last night's theme was movie songs, but it was more like SNOOZY songs. Two whores sang a Bryan Adams' song and another one belted out the cheesiest Aerosmith song of all time. It felt like I was sucking on a cheese dick the entire night. Yeah, gargle with that and let's get it on!
Allison Iraheta "Don't Want To Miss A Thing" - Quentin Tarantino was their mentor and I kind of love watching him get all fangirly over this shit. Quentin really took his job seriously. I just wish he would've slapped Allison's field of Manic Panic and told her not to sing this Hallmark diarrhea of a song! Many of us are still traumatized after being repeatedly ear raped by this song the year it came out. You know I would scrub Allison's dirty panties in the sink if she asked me to, but even her voice couldn't save that wreck! Although, Paula seemed to like it. She said Allison has that "special sauce" Adam has. Unicorn sperm?
Anoop Desai “Everything I Do” - At the end of every Anoop performance, the audience always cheers "Anoooooop" which totally sounds like "boooooo." I join in every week only to realize a few seconds later that I'm alone in my booing. It's embarrassing. Even my dog look at me with shame, because he's an Anoop fan. I think I'm the only one who isn't. Yeah, Anoop has a voice like a tall glass of cold Silk Soymilk, but he has the stage presence of a dead waterbug. Not to mention, that every week he dresses like a weekend-shift dressing room attendant at Aeropostale.
Adam Lambert "Born to be Wild" - And here we go. This was his chance to beckon me over to the glittery side. Adam could've made my gayness explode out of my ass on a blanket of rainbows if he had done something from Hedwig or Dreamgirls (HA!), but he chose Easy Rider. EASY RIDER. It was just as you would expect. If you ever wondered what a hyena would sound like while getting castrated with a rusty Phillips head screwdriver, just listen to Adam's performance again. During that shit, a woman on a farm in Scotland woke up, because she thought her chickens were getting strangled. Adam's screech did clean out my ears, though.
Matt Giraud "To Really Love A Woman" - I stared at his forehead mole the entire time thinking "Has that always been there?" Matt's puberty warbling woke me up a few times, but really all I cared about was the mystery surrounding his mole. That basically sums it up.
Danny Chokey "Endless Love" - When I heard Danny was singing this song, I expected him to stroll on stage with a cardboard cutout of his dead wife so that he could serenade her. But actually he just ended up serenading himself back and forth which makes sense since he loves loves loves himself so much. The song is a duet for a reason! It was also kind of strange seeing him without glasses. It made me notice that one of his eyebrows is a lot bushier at the end than the other which threw me off. Because I would think Danny spent his nights painstakingly perfecting his eyebrows with a tweezer while fingering himself. You know, one of those kinds of freaks.
Kris Allen “Falling Slowly” - It's like he was sweetly singing into my no-no. Oh, how I want to fall slowly onto his peeeeeeeen. It doesn't matter what he sang, I just wanted to do the bunny hop on his crotch. Hey, Easter was just this past weekend, so it's timely. But seriously, Kris gave the performance of a LIFETIME last night. Okay, I don't really meant that. I'm just flirting with him.
Lil Rounds "The Rose" - Once again, my Tivo turned its back on me! Just when Lil was about to take off her wig and grease up her face to whoop a trick, it cut off! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I've been waiting for this moment, because I'm sick of those judges getting all on her ass about being authentic or some shit. No, she doesn't shake that pussy for the lord the way Fantasia does, but her performance wasn't a total boner killer. However, that wig was! Lil needs a wig-ervention! The crooked one she had on last night made her look like a hooker impersonating Trina so that she could charge 25 cents more for her handjobs. Dreadful!
And for the predictions!
Who will be sent to the firing squad? Lil Rounds, Allison (sigh) and Matt Giraud?
Who will be shot? Lil
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Did anybody see 47-year-old Susan Boyle singing "I Dreamed A Dream" from "Les Miserables" on Britain's Got Talent 2009. Susan's proof you should never judge a book by its cover!
xoxoxoxox
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
ricki: I have to agree with you, I wish Adam would stop doing songs I hate, but I still love him with all my heart! LOL
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
Bradi:
Mr. DQ & I were discussing it last night. I never notice Danny's ring during the coaching clips, only when he's performing. Hmmmmmmmm......
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
*breathes*
*counts to 10*
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
Adam reminds me of Petey Wentz. Sorta. I decided.
Seriously,
Am I the only one who can't stand Kris???
There is something about his mouth that is fucked up and grates on my nerves. Can't put my finger on it. And he is about exciting as cold buggers on a paper plate.
Lil sucks and she should go..Kris does not have charisma but I did like his performance last night...Chokey looked like he was singing to god or Jesus or some shit and it made me want to barf...
Giraud is getting boring...Adam is getting stupid and his performances do look like a bad stage musical..I actually cringe when he performs..yuck...but he can sing.
I think the bottom 3 will be Anoop,Lil and Giraud and Lil will go.
I think the final 2 will be Adam and Alison because they are the only ones talented on there.
xoxoxoxox
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Snowy...I gotta say, either Anoop or Kris Allen was my favorite (FOR LAST NIGHT, anyway). Shocking, I know...I just hate the song "Born to Be Wild." I also didn't like when Adam sang "Play That Funky Music, White Boy." Simon was dead on when he said last night's performance was like Rocky Horror the musical. Just because he can scream-sing crazy high really well (and he can) doesn't mean I think of him as a "rocker" (I don't...at all).
I wish I could still get into AI, but for the last couple years I just couldn't. Bored me to tears. After reading all the comments about Adam though, I watched his Mad World youtube video and I am really hoping he wins, mainly because he is a rocker (somewhat) and it's time for a (sorta) rocker to win that shit. Daugherty was the last and he gets a big thumbs down and we have enough top 40 pop shit.
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http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/montag/
Oops, PS Lil was good last night once the gospel section started. I forgot about that. THAT's more the type of shit she needs to be singing, not these Celine Dion "I Surrender" shit. Gah. She just needs a lot more direction than the show is set up to give her, that's all.
*buts in*
My fave was Adam simply because he didn't do some sappy ballad.
I want Chokey Pokey Doo to LEEEAVE!
Does he wear his wedding ring every week?
I just noticed it last night.
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
MK,
I was crying because I was laughing so hard. Your comments were hilarious Even though I love Adam and think he's the best singer to ever be on American idol. What can I say, I Love Dlisted.
I think we can all agree on the Goakster! ugh, he makes me naseous with his dead wife, LOL
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
Lol Stoney. I agree Lil can sing, I just don't think her interpretations are very interesting. Plus, I don't think her voice has a whole lot of depth to it. She's singing the notes, it's just sort of...blah. I do think Simon was overly harsh to her last night, and from what they say it's like they want her to come out and sing a Mary J. Blige song every week. Wtf kind of solution is that?!
louise_brooks good one!
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
And for the last time, Danny Gokey is horrible.
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
Well that's a crock of shit. Why not pick that Justin Timberfake wannabe, Matt Giraud? He blows ass.
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
ITA, Snowy. Tarantino has put together some great soundtracks. Adam would have really done an awesome version of Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon.
And The freakin ROSE? WTF? Done to death and no one does it as good as Bette Midler.
Ricki so who was your fave last night?
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
I saw the clips on the news, and I cringed. Like I usually do. Most of the time these people do horrible covers of songs. I get embarrassed for them.
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"My new thing is that I always take my bubble baths wearing a tiara … I am a grownup who bathes in a tiara. One that I got from Disneyland."
-Jennifer Love Hewitt
Lil is the new "Vote for the Worst" contestant since she's been biffing it every week.
LOVE Adam!
Hairicane - teabag party? Can you be more specific? ;)
Not OT but kinda - MK lives!!
And I think you should all get your ears cleaned out! I guess because Lil can actually sing and doesn't make a total fucking fool of herself like half of the contestants do every single fucking week people get confused.
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
I would do wicked things to Kris Allen.
Someone just posted this on Adam Lambert's "Mad World" Youtube:
sligo1978 (2 minutes ago)
I'M BREATLESS!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rionLVhCAds
Oh and I KNOW, I was like, wait, ANOTHER Bryan Adams song? Is this Canada night? Kevin Costner movie night? It was Tarentino night and someone should have sung little green bag, son of a preacher man...what else? stuck in the middle with you...
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
WHERE THE FUCK IS SNOWY? GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, WOMAN!
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
Ricki:
ITA about Lil & Adam. Lil hears the same thing every week, every week she promises to "bring it," & every week she falls flat. No matter what people think about Adam, he brings it. Even if it isn't everyone's cup of tea. He thinks about his performances, & I think he actually thinks about every aspect. Even if people hate it, he tries different things, & he throws his all into it.
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
anybody go to a Teabag Party today?
Submitted by Stoney on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:05pm.
Who the hell is voting for her? I mean, really! She's sucked major ass nearly every single week since they got into the top 12. I don't see her appeal at all.
I totally agree with whoever said it was the most boring week of AI ever.
At least Kris tried to bring some originality to the competition instead of trotting out the same tired shit that has been sung to death on the AI stage.
The last few seasons of AI have been crap.
Temporarily obsessed with Idol pontification moment:
Lil can sing, no fucking doubt BUT, DAMMIT, PICK SOME BETTER SONGS!
I love her, but she needs to get a CLUE!
And two DAMN Bryan Adams songs!?
I LOVE ADAM!!!!
I LOVE ALISON!!!!
Ok, moment has passed....
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
Yep, I'm in Croatia. Not that big a deal for me, actually, since it's about half an hour from here to my home 'town' in Slovenia. I say town in quotes because Stolovnik isn't really a town. It's a bunch of houses in a rural area with no internet. Dammit. I think of all I could be downloading right now, and weep.
Trying to be on topic - did Paula go to rehab or something? Don't remember any recent stories about her drunk pill-popping ass.
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"I am a legitimate metalhead/rocker named Beverly." - Reality No Show
Danny Chokey "Endless Love" - When I heard Danny was singing this song, I expected him to stroll on stage with a cardboard cutout of his dead wife so that he could serenade her
WORD! MK I thought the same thing!
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
Ok, the solution to have only 2 judges speak per contestant was bunk. A, nobody ever cares what Randy has to say, B, EVERYBODY wants to know what Simon will say, C, PAULA IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! If you wouldn't let her slur out her damn cheesy "critiques" for 20 minutes a pop maybe the show wouldn't fucking go overtime! Sit her ass down and tell her that, unless she's having a sober week (quite the rarity), Paula-no-talky. Awesome, thanks. (And my roommate and I wrote down "You dare to dance in the path of greatness!" in our must-remember-for-later-when-we're-not-high book we keep in our living room! lol)
Allison...was boring. Hate that song anyway. She's good, but this wasn't her best week.
Anoop is the sex! Soooo cute, and last night was his best performance! I will admit it, I am a sucker for that cheesy song and he nailed it...much like I would like to be nailing him.
Matt Giraud...go home. You boring, Holy Moley.
Danny was eh....the lower-register first half was not good, the rest was typical Danny Hokey. He looked less like Robert Downey Jr. without his glasses, but still fairly dykey!
Kris Allen was GREAT! I have always loved that song, and didn't realize it was supposedly so "obscure" or whatever they called it. Randy is so stupid, and he was sooooo off. I loved it.
Lil Rounds...go home girl. You been blowin' it for weeks. Over your ass, so frustrating. She could be so much better but she's not, and you can't say at this point that she hasn't had more than enough chances to blow us away....
ADAM LAMBERT IS MY SOULMATE!!! Ok, he usually goes into overkill at the end of his songs (and did last night), and he is maybe a little theatrical and over-the-top at times...but DAMN. I hate that song but really enjoyed his peformance...without the cheesy-ass CGI pyrotechnics on the oval TV screen in the background, anyway. That boy is sex on legs! Go Adam!
OH Shit...who here was it the came out with the name Octo mom...or was it Octo Pussy? Bitch is going to trademark that name.
There IS an asterisk on this board, but I have no idea how to make it do an asterisk, because it has three other things on the same key and keeps doing those other things whenever I try using shift, alt or ctrl with it.
...I'm sorry.
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"I am a legitimate metalhead/rocker named Beverly." - Reality No Show
Submitted by Migraineuse on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:03pm.
YOUR IN CROATIA? HOT FUCKING DAMN
Last night was another disappointment - two Brian Adams songs? They had thousands of songs to choose from - and two douche bags sing cheesy Brian Adams! UGH!
LOL MK! Great post! Simon should still be allowed to comment on everyone because he is the only one who is funny. Paula's tounge was all blue last night.
Lil isn't even in the bottom three. You guys FAIL.
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
I absolutely HATE the two judge thing, why can't they just get rid of KaraDiaSTFU!?!!?
Anoop was good Anoop last night but I"m afraid he might be in danger. I saw that that Allison was in the bottom three on dial idol! BOOOO
.
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"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
"Has that always been there?"
You've never noticed it before?! God, that's all I can see when I look at him! It's like a third eye!
Submitted by Happy Hour on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:01pm.
Open Post! Open Post!
I can't stand AI...
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I second that emotion.
Open Post, Open Post, Open Post, Open Post.....
I have to say, I still liked Adam best, but I thought everyone was dull. Bottom 3: Lil, Matt, Adam. Going home: Lil. No, they will not try to save her.
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"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
Submitted by Migraineuse on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:03pm
ha ha .. how bored are we?
Horz, I am unable to comment on topic because I haven't seen this American Idol mess in years and I rejoice at the thought.
But, because I care about you, my fellow skanks, I will show you some neat extra letters that Croatian keyboards have instead of the normal punctuation keys.
č
ć
ž
š
Đ
ł
Ł
€
Discuss.
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"I am a legitimate metalhead/rocker named Beverly." - Reality No Show
No, methinks it will be Chokey instead of Alison.
And Kris Allen, I love that song, it's so sweet and simple and it won an Academy award!
Anoop did aiight, but I HATED CHOKEY THE MOST, then Lil Rounds, GIRL GET IT TOGETHER! Bitch should have sang "Goldfinger"!
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
I wouldn't be so goddamn fucking sure Lil is going home! I tried to get through for two hours and her line was busy. I got through ONCE. Plus, dialidol is predicting Matt, KRIS and Alison in the bottom three and Lil is in second place behind fucking Gokey!
*fumes*
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You have a fucking signature quote...come on now. Doesn't get much worse. aeon312 4/3/09
You run,, You slide,, You hit the bump and take a dive!