American Idol: My Thoughts Exactly, Simon
Simon! Oh, how I just want to fuck his fur tittays with a suppository (in a good way)! On last night's American Idol, Simon was like a big bowl of meth-spiked punch at the bore prom! If I got a penny for every time he rolled his eyes during one of the other judge's comments, I'd have enough money to replace Adam Lambert's tired old not-so-skinny jeans! Or Lil Rounds a new wig (we'll get to that later). More after the jump. JUMP!!!
Simon's nipples were feeling extra chaffy, because the dumb ass producers decided it was a genius idea to only let two judges critique each contestant so they wouldn't go over time. Simon does not like being silenced! The only time Simon likes to be gagged is when he's down in his private dungeon with Gaycrest. I mean, who cares about what Randy and Kara DioWHYAREYOUSTILLHERE have to say? Randy is just going to mutter, "Dawg, for me, dawg, ur hot, for me, dawg, for me, dawg..." That's it! I need Simon to speak, because the truth dribbles down his face onto his warm, luscious chichis. And Paula is always entertaining, because she likes to recite inspirational quotes she read at the bottom of her receipt after Chinese lunch. Example: "You dare to dance in the path of greatness." That Vicodin tea must have been extra-strong last night.
Now on to the whores who sung for their LIVES! Last night's theme was movie songs, but it was more like SNOOZY songs. Two whores sang a Bryan Adams' song and another one belted out the cheesiest Aerosmith song of all time. It felt like I was sucking on a cheese dick the entire night. Yeah, gargle with that and let's get it on!
Allison Iraheta "Don't Want To Miss A Thing" - Quentin Tarantino was their mentor and I kind of love watching him get all fangirly over this shit. Quentin really took his job seriously. I just wish he would've slapped Allison's field of Manic Panic and told her not to sing this Hallmark diarrhea of a song! Many of us are still traumatized after being repeatedly ear raped by this song the year it came out. You know I would scrub Allison's dirty panties in the sink if she asked me to, but even her voice couldn't save that wreck! Although, Paula seemed to like it. She said Allison has that "special sauce" Adam has. Unicorn sperm?
Anoop Desai “Everything I Do” - At the end of every Anoop performance, the audience always cheers "Anoooooop" which totally sounds like "boooooo." I join in every week only to realize a few seconds later that I'm alone in my booing. It's embarrassing. Even my dog look at me with shame, because he's an Anoop fan. I think I'm the only one who isn't. Yeah, Anoop has a voice like a tall glass of cold Silk Soymilk, but he has the stage presence of a dead waterbug. Not to mention, that every week he dresses like a weekend-shift dressing room attendant at Aeropostale.
Adam Lambert "Born to be Wild" - And here we go. This was his chance to beckon me over to the glittery side. Adam could've made my gayness explode out of my ass on a blanket of rainbows if he had done something from Hedwig or Dreamgirls (HA!), but he chose Easy Rider. EASY RIDER. It was just as you would expect. If you ever wondered what a hyena would sound like while getting castrated with a rusty Phillips head screwdriver, just listen to Adam's performance again. During that shit, a woman on a farm in Scotland woke up, because she thought her chickens were getting strangled. Adam's screech did clean out my ears, though.
Matt Giraud "To Really Love A Woman" - I stared at his forehead mole the entire time thinking "Has that always been there?" Matt's puberty warbling woke me up a few times, but really all I cared about was the mystery surrounding his mole. That basically sums it up.
Danny Chokey "Endless Love" - When I heard Danny was singing this song, I expected him to stroll on stage with a cardboard cutout of his dead wife so that he could serenade her. But actually he just ended up serenading himself back and forth which makes sense since he loves loves loves himself so much. The song is a duet for a reason! It was also kind of strange seeing him without glasses. It made me notice that one of his eyebrows is a lot bushier at the end than the other which threw me off. Because I would think Danny spent his nights painstakingly perfecting his eyebrows with a tweezer while fingering himself. You know, one of those kinds of freaks.
Kris Allen “Falling Slowly” - It's like he was sweetly singing into my no-no. Oh, how I want to fall slowly onto his peeeeeeeen. It doesn't matter what he sang, I just wanted to do the bunny hop on his crotch. Hey, Easter was just this past weekend, so it's timely. But seriously, Kris gave the performance of a LIFETIME last night. Okay, I don't really meant that. I'm just flirting with him.
Lil Rounds "The Rose" - Once again, my Tivo turned its back on me! Just when Lil was about to take off her wig and grease up her face to whoop a trick, it cut off! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I've been waiting for this moment, because I'm sick of those judges getting all on her ass about being authentic or some shit. No, she doesn't shake that pussy for the lord the way Fantasia does, but her performance wasn't a total boner killer. However, that wig was! Lil needs a wig-ervention! The crooked one she had on last night made her look like a hooker impersonating Trina so that she could charge 25 cents more for her handjobs. Dreadful!
And for the predictions!
Who will be sent to the firing squad? Lil Rounds, Allison (sigh) and Matt Giraud?
Who will be shot? Lil
ShareThis
I finally figured out who Chokey reminds me of....Michael Bolton! Close your eyes when he sings, and I swear it's Bolton-like.
It's better to be safe than itchy. - MK
Erm, why was Matt saved from elimination? WHY!?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel, you're fucking psychotic! ~ Veronica Sawyer
I found a hot place, you guys should try it ___SugarmommaMeet.Com_____a great place for rich Woman to meet young and handsome man.............
We know who the final two are going to be. Anyone else notice last night that Adam and Jokey got the top two spots in the opening group song? They each were placed up in their ivory towers while the rest of the peons were down on the ground. LOL
Sooooo happy they used that friggen' save. Now we don't have to worry about that crap anymore.
_______________________________________________________
Just because no one understands you, doesn't mean you're an artist.
Kris should just sing nude and be done with it!
I was really hoping for Hedwig too. Or, hell, Rocky Horror. But they are both stage musicals first. that MIGHT have made a difference.
But I got to tell you, this is the first time I have ever actually watched or cared about this show, And it's all Adam Lambert. So there is that.
I always like to observe the way the contestants interact when the camera is on them as a group. I find most of them have a genuine rapport with each other, but Adam seems to be like, faking it. I dunno, it might just be me...but it appears that he's having like, awkwardnesses...
Sure he has the star power and he'll most likely win...but I'm starting to wonder just how real he is. This is all coming from a die hard fan by the way. I am worried for him I guess...blah anyone else pick up on this?
P.S. I totally watched Brigadoon tonight...weirdest musical ever.
Submitted by ricki lake on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:33pm.
Haha Kat, my roommate thinks the same thing about Kris. Keeps going on and on about how ugly and fucked up his mouth is....but then turns around and talks about how she thinks Danny is SOOOO hot. (EWWWW!) lol
Dear ricki lake, your roommate is a fucking brilliant observer of fucked up mouths but sucks in everything else...
Haircane, I love that you Love my avie!!!! Yes Laura (and special agent dale cooper) rulez and everyone else on that show can go fuck themselves except the backward talking midget, He's fucking hot shit! MK should make him HS of the month!
barelybeagle, thank you! now I do not feel so alone in the stupid fuckness'ess'ness...and i adore your flying bitch.
ravana777 you are sooo right on. Kris DOES have a chimpanzee look, THat is WTF it is! Thank You for pointing that out master of all observernessness xoxo
HISTORY IS MADE! The judges saved Matt from elimination. Next week, 2 go home! tee-hee-hee
i like him.i heard many millionaire and celebrities have a account on ___ClassyMingle.com.____ i.m doubt since i found simon's profile.. a Wealthy men and celebrities dating site. so What are you waiting for?
You can set your tive to stop recording a couple minutes after the "scheduled" end of the show
I didn’t like the way they did the judging. I want to hear Simon allllways! They need to let Kara go, Paula is right that 4 don’t work very well. Kara says too much, over does her advice and gets to babbling - they already have Paula to do that. Paula is more entertaining then Kara so they don’t need a boring version of Paula which is what Kara has become to me. I liked her in the start but have changed my mind. She looks like her jaw is always clenched too. Maybe they should only have Kara around for the audition portions but once they get to the Kodak and get down to the nitty gritty they just have the 3 originals.
Girauds mole and gums have been freaking me out for weeks.
Kris should have played his guitar.
Allison is the best.
Anoop. . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Poor Lil lost herself with all the advice and got confused. She should not have listened and just did her thang. The week she sang Mary J she was awesome. Been downhill since then for her.
Glambert is getting tired with his Tina Turner Acid Queen performance.
ZMOG! MK ya’ kill me with the dead cut out of RDGokey’s wife. . . but yip, his emotions spilt all over the place is getting played out. He needs to quit singing songs that make him emotional and sing something fun and happy.
ANOOP FOR THE WIN! Or as I can him Anoopy! I love how he looks like he's about to fix your computer but then he breaks into song. He also has lovely eyebrows.
Lil is a good singer but she's just an average R&B singer. Nothing we haven't heard before ...
Everyone else expect for Adam is sooo boring.
these are great idol recaps! the best out there. keep up the good work.
American idol has seen better days. its time for this show to go bye bye.
___________________
Isn't it Bromantic?
They all went so downhill this week! Honestly, I dont really care for any of them except for Allison. For some reason other than her interesting voice, that little freak has won me over.
Girauds mole has been distracting me for a few weeks now. When I first noticed it I thought it was a mega zit. He looks so much better in hats & I think its because it conceals the mole more.
Lil looks so cute with her short hair cut, is it just because she is black they feel the need to put all these wigs & weaves on her? Leave her head alone!
Adam sucked this week. So many songs he could have chose, so many songs they all could have selected & they picked such utter crap.
Gokey, that smug ass mother fucker bothers me.
Kris, I sing out of the side of my mouth like a stroke victim bothers me.
Anoop is a dullard.
Here's what I think:
Lil, Chokey, and Matt are the bottom three, I think Matt was boring but way better than Chokey(Boo hoo, I rode my dead wife all the way to Hollywood, But Lil was at least more interesting than either of them.
Anoop: Best performance from him so far (He looks like a young Indian version of Ray Ramano)
Allison: I can't stand the songs she sings or some of the outfits she wears, I wish she would keep her type of style(punk-ish) but do it better, and pick a song that doesn't look like you are singing it in the bathroom at the top of your lungs.
Matt: The Mole! Oh my God! I thought I was the only one who saw it too, but if he didn't already have a ten-head up there.. geeez, that is distracting enough. He can sing, he just needs to stop TRYING to be Justin Timberl(ame)ake...
Kris: Who is he? That's what I ask myself every week, he looks like a hairless chimpanzee. Yeah he can sing too, but I never remember him.
Lil: She is just not gonna win, I think it is her booty that actually gets all the votes.
Adam: He rocks my world.. in a gay rainbow parade sort of way, I have never noticed the Idol people censoring his gayness, but.. ok. Its a little obvious, duh.. anyway, he is to me ( if Idol doesn't fug it all up) is like a 21st century Bowie. I know its sounds weird, but He is so awesome! He knows how to do everything, and he goes at it balls to the wall every week (no pun intended.)
and Chokey: I hate you! You are so lame for using You stupid ego an dyou dead wife's soul to get a career for yourself... eww, he tries to come off so sweet, but when I look in his eyes, I know something is just not right. I honestly thought that he was gonna get arrested for murdering her after the auditions came on, he seems cold and calculated. Fuck his music!
Ps. I hate the Judges! You 4 Suck on Simon's man douche and get over it!
Is randy jackson contractually obligated to bray like a howler monkey everytime simon is introduced? I just sayin' is all...
As usual, you're spot on with your observations, Michael K. But...although Adam, Danny and Allison are my 3 faves -- why did I vote for Kris? Because I love/love/love that song Falling Slowly. Although Kara said very few have heard of it, duhhhh it won an Oscar as Best Song a couple of years ago. Kris only sang half of it, and not that well, but it's from a movie called "Once", a quirky movie and an interesting song.
BTW, sooo funny about you watching Matt's mole.
Anooooooooooop!
I can't help it - - I'm in love with Anooooooop! His voice makes me feel all gushy and tingly inside!
Anooooooooop!
*shakes head and returns to reality*
Gokey - I actually thought Hokey did okay last night. He usually makes me want to stab my eardrums with sharp pencils.
Matt - who the fuck cares.
Alison - not her best at all, but her voice is still wonderful. Bad choice!
Adam - Okay, so...I just really kind of hate his faux rocker voice. I think he seems like such a cool guy, and obviously he has great stage presence, but I'm just not sure where I see him fitting into music. What kind of album would he record? I just can't see it. I'm sorry, please don't hurt me Adam fans...
Lil - no no no. No.
Kris - I would have crazy sex with him and maybe download some of his songs (should he ever come out with an album) to use as background music at work or something. His voice is pretty, but something you can kind of tune out. He's not super exciting, though. Hot, but not exciting.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel, you're fucking psychotic! ~ Veronica Sawyer
Hairicane!
KoL!!! Helllllz yeh.
That's all I have to add on the AI thread..cuz I don't wa...uh...*coff* never mind that...carry on!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I totally want Adam to sing some Erasure or GnR...
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
Fuck Adam! Until he sings something from "Wicked," "Hairspray" or whatever he has in his BROADWAY songbook, he wont ever deserve my respect. He fucking sucks.
Allison should win this shit, but because Adam is trying to pass himself off as straight (or is the Producers doing) she's getting put on the back burner. Seriously, she fucking kills it every week, even with a sappy 'smith song. What the fuck ever.
And don't get me started on Danny "I'm going to use the dead wife routine until it kills me" Gokey - fuck him. Kristen Baldwin (my hero) is leading the pack to put the "GO" in Gokey and I can't help but fucking agree.
I forgot Kris Allen was still in the competition last night, so that explains what I think of him.
And Lil' Rounds should never, ever think of butchering another song like she did with the motherfucking "Rose." She deserves to get kicked off the show for ruining such a classic. Bette Midler was probably throwing her massive wig collection in protest. I'm right with ya girl!
--------------------------------------
P.S.: Fuck you, Sarah Palin:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yFdijgMytUA
Chris Brown should get his ass kicked:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo65yaAumko
Yo Dawg! Adam sucked last night, I didn't care for his version of Born to be Wild at all. Screeching is not singing.
It's time for Allison to go...she'll still have a good career being so young.
*********************************************
Pick up your socks and drop your slots, we're going to a party.
I love snark as much as anyone here, but this post sounds like it was written by that blogger character on SNL who goes, "Biiiitch...pleeease..."
Some of the contestants this year have great voices and can actually sing, but the ONLY one with any 'star potential' or whatever is Adam. He's got the talent, the drive, the look, and the personality. He has more charisma than any of the past idols combined, and that's why I love him.
------------------------------------------------
"F*ck you Tyra Banks, Oprah, Magic Johnson, Tiger Woods, Rockefeller. F*ck you." - La Pequena Hillary Clinton, 6/17/08
Cuts You Up is one of my favorite songs ever! I had it on cassette single and made everyone around me nuts playing it over and over.
i'm loving Kings of Leon right now, too.
and somebody finally posted The Smiths "I Know It's Over" on Youtube -- or maybe it's I-tunes that hasn't had it? Anyho, I was so happy when I found it. Then I was led to Peter Murphy's "Cuts You Up." And then I looked in my "Favorites" list and found Jackson Browne's "Doctor My Eyes." (!!) So I'm kinda an all-over-the-map-gal. Except for Metal and Mariah Carey and Celine Dion, and, actually, quite a lot I can't stand.
"every week he dresses like a weekend-shift dressing room attendant at Aeropostale"
It's statements like these that keep me coming back here! I love you MK! lmao!
Submitted by Hairicane on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 4:06pm.
Back in high school, yes. But now I guess I'm more of a regular rocker type girl. Lately I've dug out old (okay, 2002-2003) Kings of Leon and White Stripes.
ALSO... I kind of can't wait to see what they're going to do for the group number now that they don't have to worry about Scott... teehee.
Submitted by kat on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:28pm.
Seriously,
Am I the only one who can't stand Kris???
NO! I can't stand the fucker either. And when they always cut to his generic wife at the end of his performances... ugh.
I LOVE!!!! THIS RECAPS THEY ARE SOOOO FUNNY.
Unicorn sperm haha.
And the whole Danny Gokey was extra funny.
BTW ADAM LAMBERT FOR THE WIN!!!
Submitted by louise_brooks on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:52pm.
Disco week? Why do the AI producers hate me? WHY?????
------------------
LOL. I kinda thought it was an interesting idea.
I'm guessing you're a Bauhaus/Smiths type of gal?
Sweetas, you should ask one of them "So, are you going to a teabag party?" I bet they won't get it.
LOLZ.
They're getting hammered over at GLP. It's really half and half. Obama h8trs are all for the fake tea parties and the Obama lovers are bagging on them for not staging any during teh Bushco years.
Disco week? Why do the AI producers hate me? WHY?????
Submitted by Hairicane on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:35pm.
Ahahaha!! I'll bet. I can barely keep a straight face listening to the stuffed shirts in my office talk about wanting to go to a teabag party. I'm like I'm sure any of the 18 yo's in here would love to help you out. *snicker*
Kat - I love your avie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laura Palmer rulez!
whatever happened to everyone on that show? Like Sherilynn Fenn, Amick, Laura's boyfriend..??
They say next week is going to be DISCO.
I wish they would do a GLAM ROCK week!!
Like this song heya!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MDCbIhTa_w
Bondagebarbie on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:31pm.
Did anybody see 47-year-old Susan Boyle singing "I Dreamed A Dream" from "Les Miserables" on Britain's Got Talent 2009. Susan's proof you should never judge a book by its cover!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I think she was hot slut of the day.
And that video gave me a new outlook on Simon. I kind of think he is cute. I don't watch AI though.
nooooo Sam, don't say that! Anoop must go on, Jai Ho and all that shit!
****************************
"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
louise_brooks I KNOW! I meant that was a good song choice, dawg!
****************************
"This is MK. He started it" angel_i
"Liberache, Versace, Coocarachi"
WATCH THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNpPSUMqKA&feature=related
PS--I think the bottom 3 is Anoop, Matt, and Lil, and I think Anoop goes home.
I've been calling Matt Giraud "Skin Tag" since day one. Glad other people are finally noticing that the only interesting thing about him is his forehead mountain. And I still hate Danny Hokey. Can he just die already?
Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:21pm.
LMAO! I was being serious!
Bradi: You forgot being a single mom! If I had to hear that shit one more time, I was going to scream!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So? I'm intellectual and stuff."
"You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue, and stuff."
Submitted by Sweetas on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:17pm.
-----------------
LOL. I've been working that to *death* on another forum. For all the Tea Party/Tax Protestors.
http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message770951/pg7
Pretty much a TOTAL AND COMPLETE H8TE-FEST between the Red shirts and and the Blue shirts.
Haha Kat, my roommate thinks the same thing about Kris. Keeps going on and on about how ugly and fucked up his mouth is....but then turns around and talks about how she thinks Danny is SOOOO hot. (EWWWW!) lol
dramaqueen365247 on Wed, 04/15/2009 - 3:30pm
Yea, I KNOW!
He's a plotter that one, methodical.
If being BLIND didn't help out, having a deceased spouse that you exploit, yea, time to FUCKING GO!!
I hate him now, mostly because I actually felt sorry for him in the beginning.
TEAM ADAM & ALISON!
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!