Jessica Split Her Pants
Jessica Simpson Fatgate '09 is dying off and bitches have already erased the big-tittied frog from their "relevance" file. So while she was opening up for Rascal Flatts at MSG in NYC last night, Jess decided to put drop a little ammunition in our H8R guns to get more attention.
According to UsWeekly, Jess told the audience, "I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note. That's why I'm wearing a skort - not a skirt, not a short - just so they wouldn't split."
Let's let the canned-chicken-brained bitch believe her voice has the power to split pants. The truth is that when her frog warble hits pubic hair-splitting levels, her pants take the opportunity to bust from that bitch's ass! The dumb skank's pants are splitting in more ways than one.
And you know how Papa Joe is spending his Friday. Bitch will be holed up in his basement with that picture above, Photoshop at his fingertips and a tub of Crisco at his side.
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She is looking like an old hag, lately ! She desperately needs to do something with those whoreanus extensions, too !
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In thumbnail #6 it looks like she's wearing a diaper.
"Ah'm wearin' a dahper too y'all cuz there's been tahms when I wuz goin' for a note an' Ah pooped mah pants."
The last thumbnail looks like one of those times.
Seriously who dresses this woman? It looks like she's wearing a beach cover-up with a random piece of gift-wrap ribbon around her neck.
I still think Jessica is still hot no matter how she looks and her legs are especially yummy.
the opening act for rascal flatts...i think that says it all...
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i broke my cunt...lisa lampanelli
Who the hell is dressing her???
She's such a great singer she has to bend down to reach a note?
im so sick of this "shes a real woman" what BS! duh! real women can be thin 2! you dont have to be a cellulite ridden cow to be a REAL WOMAN! make her go away please!
I felt sympathetic for here before but now it looks as though she is milking it for publicity and to get attention,maybe even a Jenny Craig deal..bitch already ho's for ProActive and fake weaave.Pathetic.
xoxoxoxox
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Whatever happened to being a professional? You go out there, you perform your well-rehearsed set, and you leave.
I am horrified at the way Jessica solicits sympathy from the very audience who paid money to see a performance of music, not her nonsense.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by Rocket on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 11:27am.
...She's very successful in her shoe and clothing line and is expanding into linens, jewelry. She should stay with that.
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Extremely successful! I read that the shoe line grossed over $100 million last year. It was a smart move to have a line of shoes, clothing etc... Jessica is making more money from those ventures than her singing career.
"Mr. Loverman... Mr Loverman... Shabba"
Sorry, I just can't not like her. I know I'm in the minority, but I like her.
Fatty! *farts while bending over*
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Why is she holding a commuter mug of coffee on stage?
Hey fucking dumbass, telling people your pants split up the middle when you squat down only FUELS the rumors that you are becoming a fatass!!!!
God Damn, this bitch is retarded. Where the fuck is her helmet?
It's official, that bumpkin is incapable of wearing anything remotely flattering. And she needs to just keep her trap shut. Duct tape, anyone?
I can't understand why Rascall Flatts needed her to open for them unless they are hoping the attention from her opening gets them more cross-over publicity and appeal. They are a very successful country band, even though I fucking can't stand them.
I won't totally hate on Jess because I kinda like her...but her style definitley changed. I loved her style on Newlyweds and around that time...now she just looks homely most of the time and I just don't get it.
I was feeling bad for her, but now bitch is just milking* it.
*you know it's whole, not skim, too.
Pop a skwat babygurl!
If i wasn't so lazy or had photochop skills i'd cut and paste one of Lily Allen's on stage plastic cup beverages, or a 40 onto Jess' right hand. Too much effort.
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snark: It's not right but it's ok.
I am sure someone already said this, but why is she getting ready to take a dump on stage? Oh, yeah, because her music is the shit!
*da da dump*
She should wear stuff like this more often, her body actually looks decent...Clothes need to float away from the body, not stick to it. Fat or skinny she is just nightmare worthy.
She looks like a low rent hooker about to give a john a Cleveland Steamer.
Morbid. My dog's name is Morbid.
She's a dumbass with no talent, IMO, but she still looks good.
Zappy, actually, I have a pair of Timberlands and they're really cute. Pink! My husband just shook his head when he saw them and called me a girly girl. He changed his tune when I put them on with just a skimpy tee and skinny undies! BWAH!
I love my camo pants. They're purple and lavender and white. Cheap in price and they benefit animal welfare. Can't beat that!
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The pair of moobs that makes a cameo at the 0:45 second was an interesting surprise - MK
I like how she feels she has to define "skort." You know, for the unsophisticates in the audience.
What song is she actually known for? I think if she didn't do covers of other people's songs (These Boots Are Made For Walkin') if I ever actually attended her concert I would not recognize one thing she sings.
LMAO @ Sugaroo...I'm digging those hot pants and the wax paper doorag! Dayummmmmm you one hot bitch!
Actually, I feel very sexy in my workboots and camo pants. I don't give a shit if no one else wears camo no mo..I love me camo.
Zappy, I tend to lean more towards Timberland boots, red satin hotpants, a bandanna for a shirt, and a do-rag made out of wax paper when I do bonfires. Much easier to strip once the keg is low and there's nothing else to do out in the wild.
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The pair of moobs that makes a cameo at the 0:45 second was an interesting surprise - MK
I'm not going to diss on her looks, but she's in country because she has failed at everything entertainment wise. She's very successful in her shoe and clothing line and is expanding into linens, jewelry. She should stay with that.
Her singing voice is average at best. Rascal Flatts is doing her a big favor, but not their fans.
LMAO @ Sugaroo
I always wear my lucite heels when I go to bonfires and especially camping.
I will say that the only time I ever copped a squat like that is at a bonfire when I had to pee and there was no potty. Of course, I wasn't wearing really stupid shoes, but whatever.
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The pair of moobs that makes a cameo at the 0:45 second was an interesting surprise - MK
I agree, she does have nice legs. Short ones, but they are nicely shaped and strong looking. BUT, she needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
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Say it ain't so, your drug is a heartbreaker;
Say it ain't so, my love is a life taker
-Weezer
Zappy on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 10:43am.
@ kd
She does have nice legs and I hate to say it, so does Fishsticks. nice shapely legs. like mine used to be WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA fuckitall
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lmao @ fuckitall....
Drama: your avie's effing cute...lol
She's had her 15 minutes, she's proven that she's not that great, Now it's time for someone else to have their shot at stardom. Beating a dead horse gets old.
@ LC no. I think she looks like a normal weight woman. She looks great, just that she doesn't always wear the right clothes for her figure (i.e. those mom pants with that $2,000 rag around her waist).
Submitted by surggj on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 10:59am.
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ITA...couldn't have said it any better...if she had any sense, she would hire you!
for that matter, how cheap do u work?
Am I the only one who thinks she actually looks fucking fantastic?
If I were a dude I'd much prefer putting my penis in that than some wafer-thin girl who doesn't even have the energy to moan because she doesn't eat.
i don't love country music but they do have a loyal fan base...once they love you, they consider you family...hence, the phenomenon that is Branson, MO...people make that trip like it's a pilgramage to the Holy Land
i gotta say that i do love some old school bluegrass...those folks can play their asses off
And if you don't show love for the movie, Coal Miner's Daughter, u gotta be a communist...lol!!
As a costume designer, it makes you wonder why she doesn't get a stylist who can make her look good on stage at any weight. The outfits are very non-flattering since she has gained weight. You have to consider the lighting guy. Maybe she needs a new one of those too. I got friends who need jobs. BTW, I would style her a** if she ask me too and for low pay. ( I NEED A JOB )!!! She should stay away from all the low cut bustline, the high cut skirts and tight fitting clothes and get a little less tight fitting things or lose the weight. If millions of people paid for me to entertain them, I would cut off, take off and do whatever to make them happy...ehhh, naw, I wouldn't after hearing about Ushers wife....but Jes is making herself happy, me thinks, and that is a good thing. Still, get a new stylist Jes cuzz even though your legs look great, there is a hint of rolls that start right above the knee cap. When this happens, thank God you had your day and move on and start wearing clothes that hide. I don't pretend to think that surgery is the only answer but perhaps less mashed potatos and some work out besides the romp with the b/f. It is fun, burns calories but not enough to go eat those extra taters in bed afterward. The boyfriend hasn't come to her defense....she should keep that in mind??? Men do help to sabatoge diets in all kinds of ways....But then if a guy doesn't like the way my fat a** has shaped up as I grew older and less prettier than before I just kicked his a** to the curb!
Go Jess and get a trainer and a diet planner. Or maybe, she will be the next weight watcher spokesperson standing in line. Somebody endorse this lady before it is too late. Even her hairstylist didn't say anything about her. But then again, he is getting paid BIG bucks to fly everywhere and do things, and she has helped his career...Oh well, back to square one.
this look is much improved from the mom jeans and the plastic gold accessories from the BBQ gigs...doesn't matter what you weigh, but when u go on stage for a country performance, you need to try to look your best...there's an unwritten rule that you can be poor but be clean...that's why people would get dressed up on Sunday for church...it's a sign of reverence...country fans would find it disrespectful for her not to look her best when they paid good money to her in concert...if they wanted to see a skanky looking trailer ho' sing karaoke, they'd go down to the local truckstop/bowling alley...that's why people love Dolly Parton so much in country circles...cuz Dolly respects that her fans work hard for their money and make sacrifices to see her...she wants to put on a good show for them...they love her for making the effort to put on wigs, alot of makeup, and display her "God given abilities"...lol...the best part is Dolly makes no apologies for who she is and what she believes in
Submitted by mike on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 10:41am.
Who the hell goes to see her in concert? Please tell me, so I can avoid those people in the future.
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They all wear masks and googley eyed glasses so no one recognizes them.
I had cousins who used to see the Osmonds in concert all the time. And they never wore disguises. I used to wear disguises when I hung out with my cousins.
@ kd
She does have nice legs and I hate to say it, so does Fishsticks. nice shapely legs. like mine used to be WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA fuckitall
The more I see this nincompoop, the more I hear the "thoughts" that come from her idiotic brain, the more I hate her. I went from being mildly annoyed by her to detesting her. Way to stay relevant, Jess.
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"I'm intellectual & stuff." "You're flunking English. That's your mother tongue & stuff."
Say something nice: Nice legs.
Who the hell goes to see her in concert? Please tell me, so I can avoid those people in the future.
Well for fucks sake, at least she hasn't bred yet.
NO MORE BABIES!!!!!!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5_H8m4jBnQ
So self-aware, so full of shit.
Good God. Just give it up already, Jess! Go buy a nice farm in Texas and be fat and happy with the ducks and chickens.
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CROCS are made in the devil's workshop. Yes, they are!