The New Cast Of Dancing With The Has-Beens: Nip & Pussy Slips Galore!
I know, I know. It's way too early for Lil Kim's overcooked Shrinky Dink face, but get used to this precious mug. It will grace your television screens twice a week beginning in March, because Kim will be part of the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy! The entire cast was announced last night and I recognized 90% of the has-beens or never-wases! Most of them still aren't "stars," but if you combine all their fame together you might get half of a star, so the producers are getting close!
I'm calling it right now that Lil Kim is going to win that 99-Cent store trophy at the end! The bitch probably dances like a chipmunk with a heated curling iron up its ass, but her face will kill the competition. Literally! On the first episode, everyone's going to gather on the dancefloor, take one look at Kim and either a) blackout b) run for cover or c) try to eat her face off to stop the madness. Either way, Kim has got this. And think of the nip and pussy slips! The FCC is going to make it mandatory just to cover up her whole body (and face) with a giant censored bar at all times just in case.
Anytrannywiththirddegreeburns, the rest of the cast pretty much gives Ambien a run for its sleepy money. Here's the rest:
Belinda Carlisle - Kim and Belinda can bond by injecting cooking oil into their faces together!
David Alan Grier - Think Cloris Leachman but less charming and with more annoying shenanigans!
Jewel - This won't save her soul or her career.
Lawrence Taylor - WHO?!
Shawn Johnson - Nasty Nastia totally passed this mess and Shawn was the next best thing.
Gilles Marini - If he doesn't flash the peen here like he did in Sex and the City, then I'm not interested.
Ty Murray - Jewel's husband and that's about it!
Chuck Wicks - See Lawrence Taylor.
Steve-O - Steve-NO is more like it.
Nancy O'Dell - Could have been worse. Could have been fucking Lara Spencer!
Denise Richards - Get ready for cunt eyes and moves like paraplegic ice cube.
Steve Wozniak - THE WOZ! He belongs on America's Next Top Teddy Bear You Want to Cuddle, not on this shit.