Woe Is JLo!
On the this week's cover of UsWeekly, JLo and Skeletor's marriage is about to become worm meat. JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to some movie premiere the other day and sources say it's her way of telling everyone her marriage is going through some shit. NO! It's her way of getting on the fucking cover of UsWeekly! And that's the troof!
Let's run down all the reasons why UsWeekly thinks this magical union between a wet turd and a Ziploc bag of brittle bones isn't working out.
Skeletor's creepy controlling ways drive her to tears: "He's very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren't as short. You don't see so much of that booty anymore."
Okay, everyone gets creeped out by Skeletor, because he is the epitome of creepy! JLo probably has a coronary every time she wakes up to his Crypt Keeper face. They can't keep living plants in the house, because they wilt when Skeletor walks by. And you would cry too if you were JLo and you were married to THAT!
JLo blames Skeletor for the bowl of diarrhea she calls her career: "Jennifer looked around and said, 'This is my life now? I'm a Long Island housewife?' She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes."
Um. No. Skeletor is not to blame. Gigli is. And by "Gigli" I mean that whole gross Ben Affleck moment. And I would love being a Long Island housewife! I mean, three glasses of Asti for lunch, long fake nails with holiday scenes on them and hair that can't even fit through the door. I need to be a LI housewife now!
Skeletor has been flirting with other hos: "One night after their tense family Thanksgiving in which the couple 'didn't sit together,' Anthony hit NYC hotspots Bungalow 8 and Marquee, where he was spotted with his hand on a woman's thigh and overheard complaining about his wife to a group of women, 'telling them, 'She's making me miserable.'
"Again, she's JLo. Her job is to make everyone miserable. Besides, Skeletor wasn't flirting with them. He was just finding out if they were virgins, because he was jonesing for some pure blood.
There's a bunch of other shit in this article, but basically I think there's no way these two are splitting up. Now is not the time. She has nothing to promote! Do you think JLo is going to let a publicity bomb like a divorce drop when she doesn't have a thing to sell? That is not like JLo. Believe me, we'll know when this marriage gets buried. JLo will be on the cover of OK! or some shit with the headline "I Can't Be Married To No Corpse Anymore!"
And here's JLo and Skeletor acting like a happily married couple while going to dinner last night.
Wenn
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Submitted by LOVE CARROTTOP on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:55pm.
The good thing about ass piss is that the only effort you have to put in is getting your pants down. The rest just takes care of itself.
Unless, of course, you are wearing a Depends. Then you can shart to your heart's desire. :)
"If I wasnt terrified of jail I wouldve pushed her ass down on the ground and cut her long, flowing Starbucks-then-treadmill ponytail right off her damn head!"--chefcammi
<3-------------------------------<3
RIMADYL KILLS
Heck, now I wanna be a Long Island housewife too!
I just read how tara pulled a stunt to get publicity in rehab, and J Lo is pulling stunts with her ring.....theres just something so fundamentaly disgusting about someone who goes to such great legnths to get attention...ya know.
0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0
Today is a surface streets effing day in my city! The expressway is like a hockey rink!
he was spotted with his hand on a woman's thigh and overheard complaining about his wife to a group of women, 'telling them, 'She's making me miserable.'
Not surprised about this. I'm miserable even commenting on this. Skeletor should just put his bony foot down once in a while not put up with her bullshit.
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jesus, she's making the "i'm too sexy" face for the cover of that magazine...run!!!
i bet you she has a sharpie in that purse, along with some chiclets...double-sided tape...and...tums? lol
and btw, i really don't get the diva attitude...she doesn't even have good taste, she shops for clothes at the limited...her career is basically wearing a green versace dress with low cleavage...
actually, all my bfs were control freaks when i think about it. hmm
You know, i've had a controlling bf before, and one ting he never tried to control, was what i wore. He would make jokes but they were jokes. He actually wanted me to wear skimpy stuff if i wanted to, you know, it was the opposite, i guess to say he look people, look what I have. But honestly most of that was fantasy with him he couldn't give a shit. I think ti's funny when guys care about the clothes thing.
Hey Deb, I have a couple walnuts that need cracking!
Sphincter exercises!!
Submitted by crazyinjapan on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 6:13pm.
ME & LCT: I think you two are masochists to the extreme. Do your family a favor and DON'T talk about this at the Christmas dinner. Blech!
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Did you not read where I said sex and poop are NOT a good combination?
Submitted by crazyinjapan on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 6:13pm.
ME & LCT: I think you two are masochists to the extreme. Do your family a favor and DON'T talk about this at the Christmas dinner. Blech!
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Thanks Madame Etiquette.
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Own it like a strap-on.
Yeah, he's controlling because he thinks she is as corrupt as he, but in this case, he is right! She's a notorious cheater herself, always looking for the bigger better deal.
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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."
- Susan B. Anthony
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 6:09pm.
One year I ran in a 5 mile race and had french onion soup, (and a lot of beer), for dinner the night before.
I must say that during those last 2 miles, my sphincter did a Herculean job of keeping me out of Greta Weiss territory!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
ME & LCT: I think you two are masochists to the extreme. Do your family a favor and DON'T talk about this at the Christmas dinner. Blech!
@BB... she'll be ok, 'member she's just Jenni from the block....
_________________ ☮ ___________________
If music be the food of love, put another glockenspiel in the easy bake oven...
You can't put two megalomaniac control freaks together. That's why ya got yer Nick Cannons, and Camille Grammers. Yin and Yang. Gold-digger and Douche.
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You can only hold it so long before crunchy gets soggy. - TITS
Submitted by LOVE CARROTTOP on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:55pm.
The good thing about ass piss is that the only effort you have to put in is getting your pants down. The rest just takes care of itself.
Gotta love the "JP'S"!*
* juicy poops
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
LCT - toilet times and sexy times should never intertwine when Piss ass is involved.
Thornhill on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 6:05pm
And become enemy #1 on Long Island, there are gonna be some problems for JHo on The Island....
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:59pm.
Unless you are no where near a bathroom, then the effort is in trying to keep your ass cheeks firmly clenched.
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If you're nowhere near a bathroom I think it's pretty safe to say you're almost guaranteed to be absolutely screwed.
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Own it like a strap-on.
This marriage has already lasted longer than I thought it would. Two self-absorbed twats without an expresso cup's worth of talent between them. Who gives a rat's ass?!?
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"She sounds like she's running a fucking marathon barefoot while singing this shit."
http://dumb-report.blogspot.com/
Because of Marc's controlling ways we "won't see much of her booty anymore"..
I say that a gesture of our appreciation we all chip in and send Marc a thank you card.
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“One mind is a vice and holds fast; there’s a good memory. Another is a file and he is a disputant, a conversationalist. Another is a razor and he is sarcastical”
@BB...I'm convinced that celebs do whatever they can to stay pertinent in the media. Get married, have kids, get divorced. If they had an ounce of talent, they wouldn't have to stoop to such mundane, lame rituals to keep their faces in the news...
_________________ ☮ ___________________
If music be the food of love, put another glockenspiel in the easy bake oven...
Submitted by Thornhill on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 6:01pm.
How will she ever survive being a single mother of two..?
THAT made me laugh...poor J.lo
How will she ever survive being a single mother of two..?
_________________ ☮ ___________________
If music be the food of love, put another glockenspiel in the easy bake oven...
Awww, po little JHo, can't cut in as a "domestic housewife".
I am officially blaming Vadge for all divorces now, first hers tanks, next Fishy's is in the crapper and now JHo's, hey, everything does happen in threes.
And no, Stephanie Tanner does not count, bitch is to broke.
"Going gray is like ejaculating. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." MAH BOO!!!
Submitted by LOVE CARROTTOP on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:55pm.
The good thing about ass piss is that the only effort you have to put in is getting your pants down. The rest just takes care of itself.
************************************************
Unless you are no where near a bathroom, then the effort is in trying to keep your ass cheeks firmly clenched.
Submitted by Shaniquanaynay on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:57pm.
Jlo is one of those women that cannot be alone. If this is true, she already has someone lined up and ready. I cannot stand her. Never could.
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BEN AFFLECK!
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Own it like a strap-on.
Submitted by shut the smurf up on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:55pm.
she gets every bad thing who is said about her.
Jenny from the block my ass.
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Now if only karma would bite her in the huge ass and blow her up to enormous proportions and make her lose all her money.
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Own it like a strap-on.
Jlo is one of those women that cannot be alone. If this is true, she already has someone lined up and ready. I cannot stand her. Never could.
The good thing about ass piss is that the only effort you have to put in is getting your pants down. The rest just takes care of itself.
***********************************
Own it like a strap-on.
Submitted by walker on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:47pm.
She cheated on Noha(the Waiter) or whatever his name was with Diddy and she cheated on Cris (the Dancer one) with Ben.
I'm not racist, Don't give me that BS. I am Spanish and I do not think she is on any way on the level of any of the bigest spanish singers,like Olga Tanon or shakira; as an actress the bitch is a wonderfull dancer and as a singer she is an amazing coinceited walking ass
she is a cunt who goes around cheating on people and allowing herself to be the other woman (as MA cheated on his wife with her) she gets every bad thing who is said about her.
Jenny from the block my ass.
Submitted by LOVE CARROTTOP on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:49pm.
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:45pm.
You want an epic colonic blow out?
Put two scoops of benefiber in your morning coffee.
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I did that to my coffee once, along with that super heavy hazelnut flavoured cream.
If I hadn't been so disgusted with myself it might have been something worthy of awe.
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Brings new meaning to the phrase "Pissing out your ass"
A mistake I will not make twice.
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:45pm.
You want an epic colonic blow out?
Put two scoops of benefiber in your morning coffee.
Good to know! LOL! Bud Lite has a similar affect on me!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:45pm.
You want an epic colonic blow out?
Put two scoops of benefiber in your morning coffee.
-------------------------
I did that to my coffee once, along with that super heavy hazelnut flavoured cream.
If I hadn't been so disgusted with myself it might have been something worthy of awe.
***********************************
Own it like a strap-on.
she cheated on her 2 first husbands, I do not see why this would be diffenrent.
and whoever said J.LO is puertorican, yeah she became puertorican when she married squeletor, she was white while doing Ben afleck and Black while fucking Diddy...who knows what she is going to be next.
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And you are just sure that SHE was the one that cheated?
I would also like to add that you're sounding a little racist there with the rest of your comments. That's sad.
You want an epic colonic blow out?
Put two scoops of benefiber in your morning coffee.
Submitted by SpiceDong on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:42pm.
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No, I think that puts us in the majority. Just like any celebrity who spouts off about who we should vote for, how we should or should not medicate ourselves, breastfeed, ad infinitum. Whatever shit they're selling, I ain't buying it!
Submitted by Deb on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:40pm.
That Cunt is so obvious....
How you get him is how you keep him. I love you Jen, As You know as Madge's Ofiicial Chief Council (In My Head) I am on your side Jen, but dammit, he's got two kids by another mama. What was YOU thinking?
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"You cons are slower than a spelling bee full of stutterers!"
- Brad Bellick R.I.P.
angel, if you're gonna talk about direar, you have to do it up right.
My teal bowl of diarrhea would smell like carrots and soggy crackers, I imagine.
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Own it like a strap-on.
Maybe he got tired of that phony "I'm so sexy" look she always plants on her face.
It sounds like I'll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery. MK - 11/24/2008
Submitted by Sandbitch on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:38pm.
The only think I like about JLo is she dumped Ben Affleck and I haven't seen him smile since. Now Jennifer Garner, there's a good actress.
There's no way SHE dumped him.... she was so fucking desperate to get married that she had to grab squeletor and marry him 5 monthd after... just to show the world she moved on.
A celebrity getting divorced, married or even neutered doesn't make me buy their shit or go to see their movies. Her getting divorced wouldn't for sure...I don't get what type of impact (if any) that would have on my purchases. Madonna's split did not make me buy her crappy album or shell $300 for her tired concert. It only makes me read the blogs to get the dirt. That is all. Am I the only one who thinks this way?
And Skeletor is an asshole and a cheater, JLO knew that going in cause he cheated on his former wife with her anyway..so she is only reaping her reward for being a "quita macho" HA!
@crazyinjapan:
The Puppy Cam Song Posted at 4:05 PM on December 11, 2008 by Jeff Horwich (14 Comments)(Thanks for Bridget Murphy for the lovely -- and so cute -- vocals!)
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/collections/special/columns/loophole/ar...
Oh! I lifted it of the vid - but that's most of the info...there it is!
♥ ThreadKilla!
A DListed Public Service Announcement
The Puppy Cam Song
J-Lo is a failure because she's a dumb bitch with a bad attitude who makes shitty music and her acting sucks cock.
Submitted by shut the smurf up on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:33pm.
I just saw you're post! I think we're on the same wavelength when it comes to JHo.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
And I would love being a Long Island housewife! I mean, three glasses of Asti for lunch, long fake nails with holiday scenes on them and hair that can't even fit through the door. I need to be a LI housewife now!
You crack me up mister!
They could just be doing it for some attention.
Submitted by P.T.Bull on Wed, 12/17/2008 - 5:16pm.
At a party this weekend and somone almost threw Maid In Manhatten on the DVD.
I've seen that flick, and the best part is the beginning when Jane Fonda's character goes off on the Britney-clone.
I could care less about these 2. She married him to get more money from the Hispanic market. Like they're the Steve and Edie of Latin America. She went for Affleck to get more movies and white-bread appeal. She went for Diddy for the African-American market.
If we start seeing her with an Asian, I think we know what's up!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
The only think I like about JLo is she dumped Ben Affleck and I haven't seen him smile since. Now Jennifer Garner, there's a good actress.
Ew, Nasty!@LCT:
Do you peeps ALWAYS have to go there?! UGH!
;p
♥ ThreadKilla!
A DListed Public Service Announcement
The Puppy Cam Song