Dear Jessica, The Angels Want You To Stop
I had to dig fucking deep while watching "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams' "Angels" I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn't for Jessica's butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.
And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica's croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE'S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word "torture" was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.
Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.
With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!
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Jim is COMINGBACK?
I'm not normally as anti-Chestica as MK is ( I think she's just an average no-talent whore and not worthy of so much ire), but damn, that was bad.
I mean really, really bad.
What the hell? How could she think that was good?
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"The 'Like, Whoah' emphasizes the taxing of the ass" -- Urbandictionary.com inspired by comingback
That was horrible! She sounds out of breath only 20-30 seconds into the song. She has no tone or pitch. If it wasn't for her beautiful juggs, I'm pretty sure she would be working as a waitress at Old Country Buffet.
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"Money is the magic wand that turns many a frog into a prince" - ChubbyWubby
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Submitted by snowpiece on October 1, 2008 - 1:11pm.
oh JIM, your all caps posts are a such a tonic for me at this time of comingback jonesing!
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I second that shit, sister!
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Am I getting old or is the supermarket playing great music?
@ 1:14, is that Danny Masterson playing the pedal steel?
Fuck, Jessica totally blew that mic. She can't sing, either!
yes, Lo, wait till my period is over and then you can prolly get it. ;P ♥
Mrs. K. and aquarius, I'm NEXT on the JIM EXPRESS!
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"We have your 401K. If you want to see it again give us $7 billion in unmarked bills"
Chesty musnt know the difference between a cock and a mic since she's drying to deep throat that fucking thing.
Submitted by aquarius on October 1, 2008 - 1:13pm.
Mrs. K, I'm gonna fight you for Jim! Jim, that was awesome.
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Take a ticket and get in line, dear.
GET.
IN.
LINE.
*sharpening claws*
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OKAY AND SHE DOES HAVE A BOX WITH A DANCE BUT YOU CAN'T STOP HER BOOT CLAP WITH A BUTT SLAP!
poor ALL CAPS JIM...he reminds me of a kid with tourets..gotta love him =)
*****"Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers."*****
Submitted by snowpiece on October 1, 2008 - 1:13pm.
We need to schedule a make out lunch!
* I fawted too*
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We is tailing jokes in hair twoday!
I never realized how thick Cheryl's legs and butt are. I mean, i knew she has a bit of chunk going on...but that costume she's wearing made her bottom half look huge. When Maksim was touching her mop-head, i almost up-chucked. BLECH!
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“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
Truly awful. She thinks the wider she opens her mouth and the uglier she contorts her face, the better it makes her sound.
Honestly, they need to make this shit an SNL skit this week. I think Kristin Wiig could do a hilarious impression. They should get a guy (Andy Samberg) to dress up like she-hulk Cheryl Burke.
I cannot stand the sight of Cheryl Burke!!! She really has put on some lbs since last season.
I will not allow my ears to be assaulted by the big tittied frog.
*pushing EEG away*
*Checking out hair in mirror*
*wondering, do these jeans make me look fat?*
HI JIMMY!!!!!!!!
♥
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OKAY AND SHE DOES HAVE A BOX WITH A DANCE BUT YOU CAN'T STOP HER BOOT CLAP WITH A BUTT SLAP!
And who the fuck dances like that?
It's so tacky, unattractive and unnatural.
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" That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable."
me luv Lolo! she be makin me poot with the funnies!!
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"We have your 401K. If you want to see it again give us $7 billion in unmarked bills"
Mrs. K, I'm gonna fight you for Jim! Jim, that was awesome.
Ewww, I'm gonna need Cherly Burke to lay off the crafts table before, during, and after the show. That dress was NOT flatering on her. I kept waiting for Shamu to make a surprise appearance from underneath her dress...sorry, I can't stand her just as much as MK.
Maksim could still get it though =)
And please tell Jessica to stop screaming...she's scaring the children =/
*****"Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers."*****
I made it through 29 fucking seconds before I turned that shit of.
Chestica cannot sing. CANNOT fucking sing!!!
Take your daddy loving DD's and GO THE FUCK AWAY!
ahahahaha...fuck Chestica AND the Bitch KK. I love that she got booted off so fast. the only thing that would have made it better is if she were the first one booted off.
I swear, I think I hate KK more than Paris these days.
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Yesterday I was one of a load of people
Now you're lying close to me, making love to me
I believe in miracles, where ya from... you sexy thing?
-Hot Chocolate
The Phelps wax statue in China heard this and ripped its ears off.
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We is tailing jokes in hair twoday!
Ahhh all caps jim.
*swoon*
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pathetic is chatting with bitch of crazy mouth
Funny Bitch LoLo as FLA
Ummm, is it just my imagination or is Jessica violating that microphone?? That's illegal isn't it?
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I'm your huckleberry...BITCH!!
did anyone else notice some tension between kim k and cloris leachman last night? it seemed like they were making it very obvious that they don't like eachother.
oh JIM, your all caps posts are a such a tonic for me at this time of comingback jonesing!
****************************1/20/09
"We have your 401K. If you want to see it again give us $7 billion in unmarked bills"
Holy hell. My ears are on strike now.
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" That which does not kill me only postpones the inevitable."
Seriously my ears partly melted after listening to that crapola. It was so gawd-awful...especially when she tried to hit that high note and her voice kinda cracked and went all weak and shizz. I agree that she totally over-sings everything. I think she believes it will cover up her obvious lack of vocal talent.
Oh, and I agree that she is practically sucking that microphone off...
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“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY PEOPLE WATCH THIS COMPLETE SHIT..FUCK IT IS A BUNCH OF FUCKING 'D' LIST LOSERS DANCING..YES DANCING?? WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE DANCE IS ABOUT AS FUN AS BEING KIRSTY ALLIE'S TIOLET!!! FUCK I HATE THAT THIS SHIT HAS MORPHED INTO SPORTS, YOU SEE "HIGHLIGHTS" ON ESPN AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY...I WOULD LIKE TO SMASH ALL THESE LOSERS IN THEIR KNEES DURING THE SHOW AND THAT WOULD BE ENTERTAINMENT!!!
My ass disappeared with my hairline!
I really enjoy some Jessica Simpson, and am actually thinking of stealing her daisy dukes from The Duke's of Hazzard movie for my halloween costume this year. That said, her singing that song gave me the runs like I'd just eaten at Arby's. Ran through me like a freight train, Bitchez!
What the hell happened to her voice? I used to think she was one of the blonde skanks who could actually sing (although never an Xtina). Must be all that cock-smoking.
Maks is so sexy. Jessucka is getting her vitamins and minerals from that mike.
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"We have your 401K. If you want to see it again give us $7 billion in unmarked bills"
Jessica is a truly AWFUL singer. It's embarrassing b/c she thinks she's talented.
Cheryl Burke is a fat dancer.
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How can you thank God for a song that the Devil helped you write?
Someone needs to take the microphone from her and just beat her over the head. Jessica and Cheryl both.
Since I never listened to her before, I had no idea she was THAT BAD.
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OKAY AND SHE DOES HAVE A BOX WITH A DANCE BUT YOU CAN'T STOP HER BOOT CLAP WITH A BUTT SLAP!
Dear Tony Romo:
You must be so proud.
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She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?
Dunno why, but I actually laugh aloud every time MK refers to Cheryl Burke as his nemesis.
Who the fuck could dance during that shit??? Chestica sounds like Peter Brady ala "Time to Change".
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Am I getting old or is the supermarket playing great music?
Eh, it wasn't that bad, but why does she have to over sing EVERYTHING?
Shit bitch its s micropphone not a cock get your lips off of it stank ass butt lip havin slow ho!
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We is tailing jokes in hair twoday!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!! NO NO NO!!! AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL!!! DAMMIT!
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“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
Michael K, it is fitting that your nemesis is CHERYL BURKE. Considering she looks like a gay man.
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