Assault With A Deadly Sausage
Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.
21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.
It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.
While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage.
After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his juicy sausage, he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room. Instead of attacking Cesar with his big sausage (I love writing that), Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face. This just gets better. Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades." I bet it is.
Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical
Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."
Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.
Okay, in addition to being the plot of a gay porno, this could also be a "Three Stooges" episode.
Seriously, Antonio shouldn't threaten me with a good time! If that was my ass, I'd beg Antonio not stop! I'd play a little game of "pin the sausage on the hiney." Wait. What kind of sausage are we talking about again?
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Submitted by imdanyl on September 8, 2008 - 10:21pm.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure his victim didn't Relish the experience.
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
Beating someone with an 8-inch pork sword? Manslaughter at least with a side of fries, please.
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I can't claim I made this up, it is from a reader's comment on http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/08/BA2V12PQPT.D..., but it is freakin' hilarious!
"He is being charged with "Use of Andouille Force" and "Assault and Pepper". This kind of sausage attack isn't random. Clearly he was "casing" the place."
Personally, I'd hit it big sausage or not, but I like a little ghetto in my sex.
YUMmy.
hide the sausage.giggle.
dog ate it.LOL
;) :) :O =) :p :( :\ :D
maybe antonio thought they where t-boned stakes and wanted to tenderize them?
Man!
You just made my Monday.
Had a shit day, but this brought everything up.
So damn hilarious.....i may just pop down to Fresno and look
for some salchicha.....
Cheesus! I almost choked on my cereal MK!
ROFL!!!
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The future Mrs. Jensen Ackles.
What wouldn't I give to get hit with his 8" sausage.
No one would even notice if it was an Irish guy.
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.
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You and me both, hunny.
And I'm disappointed MK. Two whole sentences went by in the middle there without the word "sausage". Don't be so lazy, girl!
♥ ThreadKilla!/Lean Like a Chola/She's a Lady.
"You sicken everyone! Even Michael Jackson!" overheardinnewyork
$100,000 bond?! Fuck!
I don't see what the big deal is. If Cracker Barrel had a spa, that would be a facial.
I have no words.. I can barely type through the tears.... I just can't stop laughing at the ridiculousness!!! Imagine a felon attacking you with a meat product, and spicy seasonings??
"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."
Do Tell.. ..Sarcastic Cat-- what happened in Frenso...has it made it to Court TV as of yet?
Oh, pardon me-- Tru Tv ...?
Tonic has a point here - coleslaw would've been my choice. Me: "Oh, you fucker, you got fucking shredded CABBAGE all over the fucking CARPET!!"
Meanwhile, they should have a pic of the dog in animal jail for tampering.
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He's okay if you don't make any sudden moves around his head.
I can barely type... ok... composure.
I haven't laughed that fucking hard in my life. When my family asked me what was so funny, they made me read it to them aloud, and I have a fucking stomach ache from laughing so hard.
L♥VE,
PCA
It's nice know that you folks have enjoyed our weird criminals here in Fresno. We do have some truly bizarre crimes here. Yes, I actually live in Fresno.
If anyone says please, I will be happy to tell you about a very bizarre homicide we had here.
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I didn’t say that it was your fault – I said that I was going to blame you.
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You know, if more people used chorizo as a weapon, there would be many less senseless deaths. Can you imagine a drive-by sausaging?
"This ain't rock n roll. This is genocide!"
his face is eerily symmetrical.
i would hit
Sounds like a meth-head stunt to me.
Submitted by yiooooooo on September 8, 2008 - 7:25pm.
In puertorican tv we use to have a show that was call " la Morsillas Asesina"(killer sausage )
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Totally. Most. Awesome. Show. Ever. (and I've never seen it, don't have to...)
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
that is no way to treat an 8 inch sausage...
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so pretty. so fat. so sad!!!
What do you mean I am confused? I know what I want.
Damn, I wished I had 100k to pay his bail so he could do a reenactment on me. Shoot, damn!! This is fucked up. 8-foot sausage, mmmm, sniffing and looking, tasting it, and licking and all over my face. Why do men have all the luck? Fucking bastards.
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
Hillshire Farm summer sausage is like a metal pole. It's a good weapon and a delicious snack.
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺c
"Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea." ~Jack Kerouac
hey MK shouldnt it be "pin the sausage IN the hiney"?
In puertorican tv we use to have a show that was call " la Morsillas Asesina"(killer sausage )
Submitted by Tigerlilly on July 14, 2008 - 8:39pm.
HUG ME JESUS! I SAY, HUG ME JESUS!!!! Can I get an Amen from the DListed congregation...I say, can I GET AN AMEN FROM THE DLISTED CONGREGATION???? You know you ho's want a hug from Jesus
Well, my boss gives me eight inches of italian sausage and I never thought about beating anyone with it, know what I'm saying?
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"what're you still doing here? Didn't I tell you to go home and fuck your mother?"
Oh, my. And what was the reason for such a porn-illustrated attack?
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-"I am not about to deal with unstable people" - HEART ANGELINA.
Behind the hippy-length pubes lies a decent face. Would I hit it? Hmmm.... maybe if I was drunk, didn't have to look at his face in the morning and took the 20 bucks in his wallet on the way out the door.
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Keep on keepin' on.
For all you haters, it's....Bible In a Minute!
And Bradi...why did you change your avie and name?
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Amy just wanted to say she cracked Harry's potter. That didn't make any sense, but just politely nod your head and move on....
Somewhere in the world, Tommy Girl just creamed his panties.
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Amy just wanted to say she cracked Harry's potter. That didn't make any sense, but just politely nod your head and move on....
Well, next time I shop for weapons at the deli, I'll know that the meat cleavers aren't my only option.
Snausages!
Well, if ANYONE on this site needs Chola eyebrows it's this hispanic......
"If Drinks Aren't Involved, Then Neither Am I."
This is one of those great stories that just writes the comedy for itself...art immitating life immitating art...
hmm....deadly sausage...In no context does that sound bad.
Submitted by StickaCockinWoo... on September 8, 2008 - 8:05pm
Is eight inches not foots, I think it would be really hard to run whit a eight foot sausege
Submitted by Tigerlilly on July 14, 2008 - 8:39pm.
HUG ME JESUS! I SAY, HUG ME JESUS!!!! Can I get an Amen from the DListed congregation...I say, can I GET AN AMEN FROM THE DLISTED CONGREGATION???? You know you ho's want a hug from Jesus
Submitted by StickaCockinWoo... on September 9, 2008 - 1:05am.
I am confused
*
*Is not even going to go there*
On that note - I'm off!
Have a great night everyone!!
~♥~Xtina, obey gravity - IT'S THE LAW!~Sandbitch~8/9/08~♥~
Keeps Getting Better
THE NEW SINGLE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O9G3JB8FG4
MK, what we really want to know is, WOULD YOU HIT IT?
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My brains tell me he's a douche,
but my genitals tell me he's a hot piece.
I am confused, he was hitting him with an 8-foot sausage and sprayed spices on his face?!?! So!! Are they sure the guy didn't like it or tasted horrible. I don't understand! I am looking for an 8foot sausage to smack me in the face and spray me with some spices in my mouth and face.
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
Submitted by mike on September 8, 2008 - 8:03pm.
What's with the twinkle in his eyes?
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He and the sausage fell in love. if you know what I'm sayin'.
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YOUR JUST JEALUS OKAY YOU CAN'T MAKE THE SKIDMARK WITH BLOW TOOT TIMES SHE HAS THE BUTT BURN CHOCOLATE TACO OKAY WOW!
What's with the twinkle in his eyes?
OMG, Im pretty sure that the guy that got hit whit the sausege is not goin to tell his friends at work what happen to him, Imagine that conversation ...........
Hey dude I hear you got rob , are you ok?
Yes ,im ok just a few bruises left by the Sausege
Lol
Submitted by Tigerlilly on July 14, 2008 - 8:39pm.
HUG ME JESUS! I SAY, HUG ME JESUS!!!! Can I get an Amen from the DListed congregation...I say, can I GET AN AMEN FROM THE DLISTED CONGREGATION???? You know you ho's want a hug from Jesus
Submitted by LOVE ANDERSON on September 8, 2008 - 6:56pm.
$100K for bail?
What kind of sausage was it?
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Sexay sausage...Me want sexy spicy sausage beating dude...HWAT! It's like having a Domino's pizza with sexay toppings and then, eating the dude that delivered it...not that I've ever done that....!
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
MK I am so glad you reported this as only you can!
http://thevinylvillage.wordpress.com
Submitted by missy on September 8, 2008 - 7:53pm.
holy fucking facial hair!
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It's like the merkin that just won't quit!
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YOUR JUST JEALUS OKAY YOU CAN'T MAKE THE SKIDMARK WITH BLOW TOOT TIMES SHE HAS THE BUTT BURN CHOCOLATE TACO OKAY WOW!
No side dishes?
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Pearls of Wisdom from JJ - "If ass-holes could fly, you guys would be an airport"
What kind of sausage are we talking about again?
I love you MK!
~♥~Xtina, obey gravity - IT'S THE LAW!~Sandbitch~8/9/08~♥~
Keeps Getting Better
THE NEW SINGLE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O9G3JB8FG4
Did Antonio mix his own "special seasonings" along with the Pappy's?
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺c
"Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea." ~Jack Kerouac
$100K for bail?
What kind of sausage was it?
...I am aka BRADIFUL BITCH, I SWEAR!!!...