Assault With A Deadly Sausage
Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.
21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.
It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.
While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage.
After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his juicy sausage, he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room. Instead of attacking Cesar with his big sausage (I love writing that), Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face. This just gets better. Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades." I bet it is.
Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical
Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."
Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.
Okay, in addition to being the plot of a gay porno, this could also be a "Three Stooges" episode.
Seriously, Antonio shouldn't threaten me with a good time! If that was my ass, I'd beg Antonio not stop! I'd play a little game of "pin the sausage on the hiney." Wait. What kind of sausage are we talking about again?
Wurst experience ever.
Antonio Vasquez for hot slut of the month!!!
MK, I adore you. We are like twisted sisters lol.
Friggin hilarious your comments are...
"If only I had such problems."
Marry me MK!
He is my favorite. Just saw his personals ID on millionaires personals site """C e l e b C u p i d.c o m"""""" yesterday. I am wondering what kind of relationship he is looking for on ~that site.☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
I read this in the FRESNO BEE, last night.
I couldnt stop laughing and loved the part of the dog eating the weapon.
The funniest part, when discussing it with family, I said," It was probably Pappy's".
( you cant have any sort of meat in Fresno with out Pappy's smeared all over it.)
AND IT WAS.
Love you, for posting this.
Celena in Fresno
::We have K-Fed working at a car wash,
Bubba, from Heat of the Night, as our mayor,
and now the Sausage attack!::
What a waste of a perfectly good sausage.
if only I had such problems.
HAHAHAH BRILLIANT!
There was a homeless dude by my work who held up a deli. All he took was a salami. The cops followed his footprints in the snow to his overpass and found him sitting there, gnawing on stolen salami. This guy is way funnier.
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
This kind of story is exACTly why I'm hopelessly addicted to Michal K's DListed. This is the stuff of LIFE!!! Fucking brilliant!
Chorizo is NASSY!!!!!!!!
Funniest. Shit. Ever.
Yes, yahoo IM is downloaded onthe house Laptop...
Now I have to try and figure it out....
When chorizos go bad...
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One step closer to things we need to say
One cut deeper to tear the past away
--Alan Parsons
M.E> YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
"Gimme a bottle o' anything....and a glazed donut.....TO GO-O-O-O-O-O!" -DLR
Sky, read down, just down loaded it on my lap top, will do so manana at work.
*worried*
Wherer is BCAW? Fresno isn't very far from her...I think...
HEY BITCH!!!
TV: What's all this talk about shit here? :)
ME: OK, I understand. Bummer because I use IM a lot more than anything else.
☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
"Gimme a bottle o' anything....and a glazed donut.....TO GO-O-O-O-O-O!" -DLR
TV, Sky, just installed Yahoo IM.......
ROFL!!!!!!! Reminds me of a scene from "Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels". Fuckin great movie!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPwKtB7kPpg
DA and Crew
Good evening all !
On Topic. LMFAO what a tard ! How would one explain that to a judge or lawyer?
TV, I'd rather you shit rainbows rather than twinkies......do you know the shelf life of those nasssy things?????
Yeah, cockroaches are jealous.
Submitted by M.E. on September 8, 2008 - 11:53pm.
I'm an IT guy, and I only shit rainbows.
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
TV, Sky, considering I'm usually only here or on a computer during work hours, I'm afraid to down load the IM software. I'm afraid my IT guy would shit twinkies.
Submitted by SkyBitch on September 8, 2008 - 11:47pm.
DEFINITELY need to fix that!
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
M.E. Awwww, we need to remedy that!
☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
"Gimme a bottle o' anything....and a glazed donut.....TO GO-O-O-O-O-O!" -DLR
Sky, No. I am IM illiterate.
OOh my goodness - didn't realize this would make *national* news! My brother is in law enforcement in Fresno. I'll have to get the 4-1-1 on this idiot! ... LOLz
M.E. Approved :)
Do you use Yahoo IM?
☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
"Gimme a bottle o' anything....and a glazed donut.....TO GO-O-O-O-O-O!" -DLR
Sky, check the MS hot bitch.
M.E. Yep, I'm SkyBitch on MS.
☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
"Gimme a bottle o' anything....and a glazed donut.....TO GO-O-O-O-O-O!" -DLR
Sky - are you under skybitch too?
M.E. Add me on MS too! I'm hardly ever on D with my new job...they blocked the site so I can only get on at night now.
Miss ya!
☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
"Gimme a bottle o' anything....and a glazed donut.....TO GO-O-O-O-O-O!" -DLR
Submitted by M.E. on September 8, 2008 - 11:16pm.
cool
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
TV, just sent you a ms message.
TV, we have mutual friends, I'll look you up and have it verified for you!
M.E.- he is on my MS page....not hard to find.....:)
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Feeling better, now that we're through; feeling better cause I'm over you
I learned my lesson and left a scar, now I see how you really are
-Linda Ronstadt "You're No Good"
Submitted by M.E. on September 8, 2008 - 11:10pm.
Exclusively evenings, I'm on MS under Team Valtrex. We most likely have mutual friends.
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
Submitted by M.E. on September 8, 2008 - 7:52pm.
So, I'm assuming that this asshat was under the influence? Meth?
It was in Fresno right?
There aint NOTHING in Fresno.
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No word yet on whether he was on meth.
We have our share of weirdos here in Fresno!
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I didn’t say that it was your fault – I said that I was going to blame you.
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Submitted by speakit on September 8, 2008 - 8:29pm.
I don't see what the big deal is. If Cracker Barrel had a spa, that would be a facial.
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Bwhahaha! I'm in the South, and have dined at Cracker Barrel more times than I care to admit. You are exectly right in your annalisis...pardom me, your analysis!
TV- you aren't posting during the day anymore huh?
I'll have to do more night time drive bys.
Hey do you have a myspace?
I'm on a couple of peeps here page.....let me know.
Submitted by M.E. on September 8, 2008 - 10:58pm.
Miss you too, hon.
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you!!!!
Can we not mention Vienna sausages? I just erased Mini Me from my mind, I don't need to feel like a pedo again.
Hey PSL!!! Long story short...watching Raiders game, hub and I disagreed on who one of the commentators were. Hence, pull out lap top and see who is right. Mike Ditka. I was.
So I get to play for a few minutes.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on September 8, 2008 - 10:50pm.
It was just a Vienna Sausage. I imagine those things appear much larger flying straight at your face.
Hi, M.E.!!!!!!!! *flashes Vienna Sausage*
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Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
M.E.- at night? Does this mean I am getting head? (wink)
good to see you.
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Feeling better, now that we're through; feeling better cause I'm over you
I learned my lesson and left a scar, now I see how you really are
-Linda Ronstadt "You're No Good"
So, I'm assuming that this asshat was under the influence? Meth?
It was in Fresno right?
There aint NOTHING in Fresno.
This, this post here is why I love MK. It is pure genius. Damn.
Love you MK!!!!!!
A sausage. A fucking sausage. How embarrassing to tell people your story.....lol
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Feeling better, now that we're through; feeling better cause I'm over you
I learned my lesson and left a scar, now I see how you really are
-Linda Ronstadt "You're No Good"
From a truly aesthetical viewpoint, this guy has amazingly symmetrical featres.
He would be so hot if he wasn't such a perv.