JLo Is Crazy

JLo queefs about being knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins in the October issue of Elle magazine. JLo said that she was "selfish" for the first time in her whole fucking life while she was pregnant. Yeah, this shit is going to write itself.

JLo spent the first part of her pregnancy on tour with Skeletor. When the tour ended she was ready to be taken care of. She said: "I said, 'I did the superwoman thing, I finished the tour – now I need you to take care of me. I love doing things for you; if I'm not cooking, then I'm picking out a shirt. But this is the first time in my life where I'm just going to be a little bit selfish. I don’t know if I'm going to have kids again, so I want it to be a beautiful experience. I don't want to have any drama. I want to just be smiling every day.'"

Who wrote that shit for her? Danielle Steele? Seriously, how were these fake words able to pass through her lips? This is straight up fuckery.

She went on to spew even more cheese about the moment she found out about her pregnancy: "I was sitting down doing hair and makeup and I felt a flutter. The weirdest little ... flourish. My makeup artist said 'What’s the matter?' I didn’t say anything, but in my head, I was like, I have life inside me!”

The only thing missing from this shit is a Celine Dion song playing in the background. JLo, stop hitting me in the mouth with your 12-inch dildo! I'm not going to suck it!

And to stop off this queso fiesta, JLo confessed that she had some nude pictures taken of herself two weeks before she gave birth. "I was like, How am I going to rock this moment of my life?... I felt very womanly. Marc was in a dream. He loved it."

Marc was in a nightmare, not a dream. And by the power of Chicken Cutlets, may these nekkid pictures of a knocked up JLo never see the light outside of her boudoir. Never!

Here's a few more pictures of JLo with Michael Kors, Georgina Chapman and Donatella Versace. Donatella kind of looks like Skeletor with a dime store wig.