Kim Kartrashian just keeps dragging her 7-month-old Kimye fetus all around the world to spend some time with Kanye West and he keeps running away from her like he's Carmen Sandiego and she's a damn ACME agent.

Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to NYC last week and the day after they got there, Kanye West took his ass to Paris. Then when Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to Paris for a photo shoot with Kunty Karl (pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot... pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot....), Kanye took his ass to Milan. The Daily Mail says that Kim and Kanye were in Paris at the same time for a few hours, but they didn't get one second together, because she was busy posing for Kunty Karl and he was too busy not giving one fuck about seeing her. The next stop on Kanye's tour is Milan, so he went on to Italy without her.

I would feel sorry for Kim and I try (no, I don't) and I try (no, I don't) and I try (no, I don't) to, but I just can't. Kim knows that Kanye is a gold-encrusted douche who only cares about Kanye (and leather kilts) and Kanye knows that Kim is a wax-covered fame whore who only cares about Kim. Even though they hate each other, they kind of belong together. And it's probably not hard to avoid Kim. All Kanye has to do is go somewhere she'll never go like any place where there's not a camera around.

If Kim really wants to see Kanye, she should just hang out in front of Riccardo Tisci's butthole. Kanye will show up eventually.

I guess having blond hair and bangs makes you a Taylor Swift impersonator, because 18-year-old British college student Xenna Kristian, who doesn't look like Taylor Swift, earns a few coins by working as a Taylor Swift impersonator. But the life of a Taylor Swift impersonator isn't easy and it's about as dangerous as being an outcast chola. Hating bitches will drag you by the hair and beat your ass.

Xenna Kristian tells the Daily Mail (via Buzzfeed) that many people have told her that she looks like Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms, so she decided to make a little money from it. Xenna works as a Swifty look-alike at corporate events, private privates and charity function. Xenna didn't say exactly what she does at those parties. I don't know if she sings, lip-synchs, hits on all the barely legal white boys in the room or just annoys the ever-loving shit out of everyone the same way the real Swifty does. Well, whatever the case may be, Xenna is making money as a Taylor Swift impersonator and some haters don't like it.

Xenna says that a few of her fellow classmates are jealous of her Taylor Swift-like beauty and one of them beat her up because of it. Xenna was sitting in class at Walford & North Shropshire College when out of nowhere, a girl pulled her out of her chair by the hair and kicked the shit out of her.

Her friends eventually stopped the fight and the beat down left her with a bruised face and possibly a broken jaw. Xenna told the police about it and says that her hater is obviously jealous of her.

"I never expected anything like this to happen. It's not nice to see people being nasty about you. Since I started being a lookalike people have been saying stuff. They must be jealous that I'm going off to do something with my life. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I still feel shaken up."

With her mother sitting next to her, Xenna talked about the beat down on camera:

Xenna was forced to cancel three bookings and if her jaw is broken, she'll be out of the look-alike game for three months.

I blame Taylor Swift for this. Like most things in life, this is all Taylor Swift's fault. If Taylor Swift never got famous, this girl would never be able to work as a Taylor Swift look-alike and she would've never gotten her ass beat. Taylor should support this girl by almost breaking her own jaw so Xenna can continue to work. It's the least she can do.

But seriously, this is all going to make much more sense when we find out that the asshole who beat up Xenna is a Justin Bieber impersonator.

While Kim Kartrashian is still dressing her knocked up body in four-sizes-too-small leather condoms and fetus-crushing girdles, Duchess Kate's knocked up ass is out there looking like a plate of deliciousness.

Duchess Kate went to a garden party with Prince Charles and Camilla at Buckingham Palace yesterday and she looked like a stick of butter with a dollop of whipped cream and white chocolate shavings on top. If Mama June was there, it would've been bye bye Duchess Kate. Mama June's mouth and chin would've burped up locks of shiny brown hair for weeks.

Duchess Kate also kind of looks like a popcorn Jelly Belly.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really hongray for corn syrup and thousands of calories.

A world-renowned philosopher named Courtenay "Nay Nay" Semel once told a Las Vegas casino security guard who didn't know her: "Google me, you dumb fuck!" Those thought-provoking and important words have lived on thanks to Amanda Bynes.

TMZ says that Amanda tried to get on a private jet headed for L.A. at Teterboro Airport in New Jersey, but the pilot refused to let her on the plane, because she didn't have a valid government issued ID with her. Amanda screamed about how her license was suspended and she didn't have any other kind of ID. The pilot kept shaking his head "no," so Amanda finally told him that if he Googled her, he'd find out that she's Amanda Fucking Bynes! Strangely enough, the TSA does not accept a Google image page with your face all over it as proper ID. When the pilot asked an official from the private jet company if he can let her on even without a valid ID, he got a no and Amanda was officially denied.

Amanda told TMZ that their story is as fraudulent as those pictures of her drug den and I'm sure she also threatened to sue TMZ, the pilot, the private jet company, Google, the machine that makes government issued IDs and James Cameron, because he totally used his special effects skills to create the Amanda Bynes hologram that terrorized Teterboro.

Amanda should be happy that the pilot denied her ass. There's so many Amanda Bynes doppelgängers out there and it's hard to tell which one is the real Amanda Bynes. If that was really Amanda Bynes trying to get on that jet, she should've just said to the pilot, "You're an ugly-faced man." That's the only confirmation he would've needed to welcome the real Amanda Bynes to his flight.

When peen-headed Vin Diesel cried about how Hollywood is harder on men than women when it comes to body image, I said some shit about how Hollywood is the land of unrealistic everything and most Hollywood movies are not real life. Here's another example to throw on that pile.

The red band (aka NSFWish) trailer for We're the Millers came out yesterday and it had a couple of scenes of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a club and another scene of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a barn (Side note: "Strippers in a barn" is basically the theme for Trace Cyrus' future bachelor party). I get why Jennifer Aniston wanted to play a stripper. When she's not crocheting boleros for her Beanie Babies, she's doing tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler's leather-covered stomach and when she's not doing that, she's working out (or getting lunchtime lipo). So, since she works that hard on her body, she figures that she might as well show her ass off. I get it. But my neighbor's 12-year-old, obese cat whose got a field of dingles on her butt would make a more believable stripper than Jennifer Aniston does.

But I do appreciate the tribute to TLC in the trailer....

...and the tribute to Cisco Adler's nutsack.

This is what you get when you use Kickstarter to fund a reboot of "Passion of the Christ." - Stock Broker

Runners-up:

Jesus: the college years - Sweetas

Pat Robinson had to come out of the closet when these pictures of his boy toy leaving his home emerged. - misstia

Desperate for attention and tired of waiting up nights for her lover to slither between her black satin sheets, Jenny Shimizu has resorted to stealing items from St. Angie's backyard. - H321

via Kotaku (Thanks, Benjamin)

The stunningly luscious cascade of deep fried polyester curls and the clip-on bangs that Mary Murphy wore on her head on Tuesday night's episode of So You Think You Can Dance! 

Millions of people nearly overdosed on beauty and glamour on Tuesday night when the shaved Capybara on caffeine pills that is Mary Murphy hit the screens. Mary looked like an electrocuted Cocker Spaniel getting attacked by a mob of guinea pigs. You're doing beauty right when you've got 31 colors of hair on your head and five different hairstyles.

The top of Mary Murphy's head looks like the fake hair section at Sally's Beauty supply. You can go shopping for fake hair on Mary's head. If you want straight clip-on bangs, Mary's head has it! If you want dehydrated spiral curl weave tracks, Mary's head has it and it has it in several colors.

The Hot Tamale Train has crashed into a truck full of corkscrew pasta and lasagna noodles and Mary Murphy has never looked hotter because of it.

via Mercury News (For Patrick)

Joan Collins (80)
Heidi Range (30)
Lane Garrison (33)
Kelly Monaco (37)
Ken Jennings (39)
Jewel (39)
Maxwell (40)
Eric Nies (42)
Guinevere Turner (45)
Tom Tykwer (48)
Karen Duffy (52)
Lea DeLaria (55)
Drew Carey (55)
Linda Thompson (63)
Charles Kimbrough (77)

And since all of us should be spending this very special day watching Dynasty clips on YouTube while wearing our finest fur (a throw faux fur throw from Pier 1 will do) and diamonds (balls of aluminum glued to your fingers will do), here's one to get us started.

In Star Trek: Into Darkness, there's a scene where Alice Eve is in her bra and chonies for basically no reason (correction: she's in her bra and chonies to give the fanboys and fanlezzies something to fap to) and J.J. Abrams got a little hate for it. So on Conan tonight, J.J. explained himself a bit and then he showed a deleted scene of Benadryl Cumsinbatches in the shower.

Thousands of Cumberbitches are going to call in sick, because it's kind of hard to go to work when your ovary eggs keep exploding out of your vagine. I know, he's supposed to look all evil in that shower, but to me, he looks like he's either concentrating really hard while sexing himself or he's drunk and trying to pee. We've all been there.

And after what felt like weeks of silence, Amanda is awake and is spreading the foolery once again.

Two of InTouch Weekly's photographers somehow got invited to a party at Amanda Bynes' Manhattan apartment and while there, they took pictures of her SHOCKING and DISTURBING drug den. Jezebel scanned the pictures and I posted them below, but if you're expecting to see the floors covered with bloody needles, mountains of coke, the body parts of hitchhikers, broken light bulbs, the carcasses of strung out rats, an overdosed Pete Doherty, empty morning after pill containers, Twilight DVDs (crackheads LOVE watching Twilight) and pieces of burnt foil, you're going to be disappointed. Because Amanda Bynes' so-called drug den is a sad excuse for a drug den. My apartment looks more like a drug den than hers does (the leather sofa, empty bags of Hot Fries and apple cinnamon-scented Glade candle gives me away).

Photographer Giovanni Arnold says that Amanda was obviously floating through another world, because she was mentally out of it. All she did was smoke weed, put on her make-up in the bathroom mirror, dance and smoke some more. Giovanni says that the inside of her apartment looked like the inside of Snoop Dogg's head, because there was weed everywhere. Weed on the bed, weed on the floor, weed on the ceiling, weed on the walls, etc.... But before you go thinking that Amanda Bynes lives in a weed wonderland, Giovanni says she has "bad weed." All that Nickelodeon money and she's still buying some shit that's worse than ditch weed? How dreadful.

Giovanni said that she barely has any furniture and two windows in her living room are spray painted black. So basically, her living room looks like my childhood bedroom when I was going through a goth phase for a second. Giovanni also saw Amanda snorting coke, but she later denied it to InTouch.

Amanda also denies that's her apartment, body and busted toes. Amanda raged on Twitter tonight and threatened to sue InTouch for committing apartment fraud. Amanda says that they Photoshopped everything.

That's not my bed! Those aren't my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him! They used an old shot of me on the cover with a bad angle of my old nose before I had surgery to reshape my profile and to remove the webbing from my eyes. I have to sue because that's not my apartment, those aren't my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone's body to ruin my life! I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that's not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look like a different person now that I had surgery! Why did they put an old shot of me on the cover? I don't look like that anymore! I only want photos of my gorgeous new nose on the cover of tabloids and real magazines! The photos in this issue are fake and mocked up! I don't care enough to keep talking about it. Just assume that I fucked the boyfriend of the editor of intouch because they fucking hate me!

This ugly faced woman @JessicaFinnNYC is the one who bought fake photos of me & put that picture that looks nothing like me on the cover!

I really hope that some high school drama student acts out that tweet during class, because that monologue of insanity needs to be performed on a stage.

If I was Amanda Bynes, I'd fix my eyebrow situation immediately. After I did that, I'd also sue InTouch for publishing a picture of me with a jacked up joint in my mouth. They're calling out Amanda's joint-rolling skills now. It's serious.