At Least Her Mouth Isn't Wide Open
Papa Joe must be patting himself on the back fat this morning for getting his daughter on the cover of People Magazine. The photographer and his staff should win some award for getting Jessica Simpson to pose without her mouth looking like a fly trap. It probably took a few yards of chicken wire and gorilla glue to keep her insect hole shut for that long. The photographer also held a little birdie over the camera. Jessica was so transfixed with it that she closed her teeth. Good job!
The article is just as vomit-inducing as the cover line. I'm sure Jessica stole some of her statements from a Barry Manilow song.
In the issue, she queefs about her perfectly staged relationship with Tony Romo, "I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life,' I don't really ever say that to anybody." This bubblehead probably forgets her own name regularly, so I doubt she remembers what she told some tool hours before. Somewhere in the world Nick Lachey, John Mayer, Dane Cook, Adam Levine and Bam Margera are rolling their eyes.
The big-tittied frog is so serious about Romo that she's changed her e-mail address and cell number. "I don't want anybody that's been in my life [before] in my life anymore. I don't even want them to have any way of contacting me." Getting a hold of Jessica is easy. Just open up a jar of flies and that ho will come calling.
She goes on to say that Romo hasn't done the same thing for her, but she's not "a jealous girl." No, just a dumb one.
Finally, Jessica mouth farts about how she dealt with her break-up from John Mayer. "I had to regain self-esteem and self-value. I just love, so I don't understand when people can't do exactly what I do."
Okay, I think I figured out where she got all these quotes. She totally stole them from my sister's 6th grade diary. No offense to my sister.
Here's Jess wearing curtains stolen from a Cracker Barrel while performing at Niagara Falls Fallsview Casino (HA!) last night.
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Submitted by KD on August 28, 2008 - 8:28am.
Is Caylee another one of those kids that was probably killed by her mom? Some people should be sterilized before things like that happen.
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Yes, she is the toddler who's mother didn't report her missing for over a month, who's car and clothing reeked of decaying flesh, who has lied to police since day one and now lab tests confirm the presence of a dead body IN that car.
Poor little baby.
Taylor Swift will feel the wrath of all the Jonas' brothers psycho tween fans rage. Tweens HATE when their crushes hook up with other chicks....
Expect the Taylor Swift hate brigade to start..... about now.
her mouth isn't wide open on the cover, but i'm sure it's wide open for tony, papa joe and all the other nameless douches she's banged along the way...
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the world is great big old place for all of us to fuck up in it...
She's on the Canadian casino circuit? Thank God - that means she's officially on the way out.
Proud Canadian,
filthy cute
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I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
I agree AJP...its so damn sad. I have two little 3-1/2 year olds...and I swear since they were born, I cant watch anything that involves a little one being killed or hurt in any way(even if its a movie and I know its fake!). I just flip out!
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It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation. -ERIC CARTMAN
"You're the love of my life" Fuckin LOL!
I expect her publicist (if she even has one) to announce a break-up by next week. And the cover of People saying how betrayed she feels.
Minnie Pearl’s ghost called; she wants you to stop wearing her dress, ya dumb bitch.
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Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place.
What a stupid, needy, pushy, dumb waste, of air this Ho is.
I hope Romo dumps her ass and marries Carrie Underwood. and when she ends up marrying one of her cousins and People buys her pics, she says " i told him, his the love of my life", everybody laughs and points.
Ugh, she makes my skin ichy
*Angels with silver wings shoudn't know suffering*
Submitted by kdracofan on August 28, 2008 - 11:28am.
Tony's so going to break up with her now.
Right? Kiss of Death to the "relationship".
Dipshit.
As an Eagles fan, I'm happy for anything that will skew Romo's game.
"This ain't rock n roll. This is genocide!"
I really dont want that little baby girl to be dead. I couldnt sleep the other night after i was watching that story on the news. I kept thinking of my sister when she was two and how she was the special little angel to me.
Shes just a baby. That really chokes me up.
My pain, my pleasure, my heart, my world.
Ok...she DID wear a table cloth...but atleast she ditched the surgically attached cowboy hat for once.
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It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation. -ERIC CARTMAN
Submitted by xxyxz on August 28, 2008 - 10:25am.
morning all
Fuck Jessica... Where is Caylee?? And a Jonas Bro is dating Taylor Swift?
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Caylee's dead -- her decomposing body was last in her mother's, Casey, car. :(
I think men find neediness very attractive. Me personally, I like to tell the guy first minutes on the first date that I want to have his babies.
It works both ways though. I had a guy tell me he thinks I am the girl he would marry by date #2. I just rolled my eyes and told him to have another. Karma for the Margera stunt. She won't be able to stay with someone cause her intention is to keep. She is just trying to show her ex up. You don't see him running his mouth.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Laura
I read that too! That bitch is shady!! She did something to that poor little girl...
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Blah...blah...blah...jack me off and pour me some lemonade. -Michael K
Barney threw up all over her....
and I don't care if that's an obviously lame joke, cuz it's all i gots.
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"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot".
Didnt she and Dane Cook get together.....they did that stupid movie and there were rumors. As always.
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It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation. -ERIC CARTMAN
Oh, and dressing in plaid does not make you country.
I also just read that investigators "found chemical evidence of human decomposition in the trunk of the car connected to Florida mother Casey Anthony" according to a story on CNN.
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I think I need a prison in order to dream of being free.
*In my snottiest teenage cunt a la Laguna Beach voice*
Oh mah gawd, Jess-kah! Noooobody caaares!
Like that relationship is going to last. Does Romo like her blabbing about their relationship all the time? She's an idiot, too. Sounds like she gave up all her friends for Romo. What's going to happen when that comes crashing down and they split?
She's going to have no friends to hang out with.
Will Ken Paves still stick by her?
Maybe she will get a reality show like Paris Hilton's.... where she supposedly is trying to find a new best friend?
Is Caylee another one of those kids that was probably killed by her mom? Some people should be sterilized before things like that happen.
That woman likes to do all kinds of things with her mouth, except keep it shut. I don't think she will ever learn when it comes to her romantic relationships. I believe her father encourages such stupidity because it gives them publicity and she goes along with it because she thinks he has her best interest at heart.
In the second pic she totally looks like Moms Mabley.
Tony's so going to break up with her now.
Dumbo is sooo getting dumped...
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"Hell ain't SHIT!" Stinkmeaner from "The Boondocks"
xxyxz!
RIGHT!
"Casey Anthony tried to give her missing 3-year-old daughter up for adoption before she was born, but her mother wouldn't let her, according to legal documents that paint the 22-year-old Florida woman as a perplexed, scheming and unbalanced person who repeatedly defended obvious lies in police reports."
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Blah...blah...blah...jack me off and pour me some lemonade. -Michael K
how does anyone keep from punching her in the face? seriously. if i ever got close enough......
I'll thank you later with a sugar cookie and a Crisco handjob. MK
Does anyone even care anymore?
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I think I need a prison in order to dream of being free.
..."wearing curtains stolen from a Cracker Barrel..."
Nothing worse than PURPLE PLAID.
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Yur sketti...I will haz it.
Who the fuck cares about this twat! I want to knw what that little girls mother did to her!!
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Blah...blah...blah...jack me off and pour me some lemonade. -Michael K
morning all
Fuck Jessica... Where is Caylee?? And a Jonas Bro is dating Taylor Swift?
The Dallas Cowboys will have an 0-16 record this season.
... because if there's anything more attractive than a nasally-voiced, untalented, stumpy idiot, it's a nasally-coiced, untalented, stumpy idiot who puts marriage pressure on you.
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"Hey Professor, what's another name for pirate treasure? Well, I think it's booty, that's what it is."
www.myspace.com/dreamhypnotique
"I don't want anybody that's been in my life [before] in my life anymore. I don't even want them to have any way of contacting me."
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Please! She changed her number so she wouldn't fall to temptation every time Mayer called her almost every night at 4am for a bootie call after their breakup!
Also because Bam Margera kept cranking her over and over merely to yell "Titties!" and laugh in her face like an eight-year-old schoolboy.
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
"If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it."
WHORE.
one of the ugliest uses of fabric in the history of fabric. tragic.
jeez. i feel sorry for this braindead slag. "i just love"? wth does that even mean? she used to have a little talent and cuteness when she was younger, but now... what a shame.
(don't criticize me for my sensitive side. i'm feeling generous today)
This is Papa Joe's doing. Romo is so going to high tale it outta there now.
Fucking pathetic.
Please do not insult the culinary excellence of Cracker Barrel by mentioning them in a Jessica Simpson post.
Fuck, I didn't know she hooked up with all those douchebags.
Reading all those names in a row made my head hurt and my crotch itch.
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"That was the most ludicrous pack of verbal peanut butter buttfuck I have ever read." ~DebFrmHell
http://www.myspace.com/zoloftpony
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 28, 2008 - 11:17am.
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Daddy Dearest...
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"There's a little bit of asshole in every nice guy, and there's a little bit of genius in every moron." - RDJ
She looks like she just came out of the cornfield from Hee-Haw.
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I'm your huckleberry...BITCH!!
CUE TONY'S BREAKUP: in three....two.....one....
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It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation. -ERIC CARTMAN
Submitted by oklahoma on August 28, 2008 - 12:10pm.
Oh DUMP her already.. haha, I said dump..
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Not before he LOADs her up!
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YOUR JUST JEALUS OKAY YOU CAN'T MAKE THE SKIDMARK WITH BLOW TOOT TIMES SHE HAS THE BUTT BURN CHOCOLATE TACO OKAY WOW!
"I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life,' I don't really ever say that to anybody."
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Ummm... didn't she say that to Nick Lachey? AND John Mayer? AND Adam Levine?
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YOUR JUST JEALUS OKAY YOU CAN'T MAKE THE SKIDMARK WITH BLOW TOOT TIMES SHE HAS THE BUTT BURN CHOCOLATE TACO OKAY WOW!
"I don't understand when people can't do exactly what I do."
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I used to think like that, too...when I was 12.
What an idiot she is.
-☮'---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮-
"I'm having a Chico's kind of day."
She's a fucking idiot. Romo will totally dump her now.
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"that is not a common looking vagina right?"
Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on August 28, 2008 - 9:15am.
AND Nick, AND John Mayer, AND Johnny Knoxville......want to add anyone?
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Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine
- Fiona Apple
It's sounds like she really had a thing for Mayer and doesn't trust herself if he were to try and contact her again. I like her but she really does sounds terribly needy.
Why should women lose their self-esteem after breaking up with a guy?. It's not the end of the world, unless you are insecure already. But well, it's Jessica Dumbass Simpson talking here.
Anyway, she looks like a fat piñata with that fugly dress.
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-"I am not about to deal with unstable people" - HEART ANGELINA.
i just love, why don't they love me back? Maybe they are gagging like the rest of us
"I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life,' I don't really ever say that to anybody."
Shut up, you dumb twat. You know you said the same thing to Bam Margera when you let him dry hump you on that skeevy sofa.
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"There's a little bit of asshole in every nice guy, and there's a little bit of genius in every moron." - RDJ
MissPriss, I like the Cartoon Simpsons too,, Lets not DUMP them..
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I DID only have two beers, It was the Liqour that fucked me up!!