My Obit Is Going To Read Exactly Like This One
This touching and eloquent obit showed up in the Times-Herald Napa/Sonoma paper. It's already been removed from the papers website, but I'm going to choose to believe that this is a real obit. It's just too amazing to be fake.
I'm sure that when I'm finally strapped into the jet plane to hell, my family will just copy and paste this shit as my obit.
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.
Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.
There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.
Oh Dolores! Your family might have hated you, but I love you and we've never even met! Seriously, Dolores and I are cut from the same bitch cloth.
VIA SFist
Thanks Allison
ShareThis
Submitted by xxyxz on August 18, 2008 - 4:02pm.
Right back atcha!
***********************************************
Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
That's probably a payback for her will in which she gave everything to her secret lover and not the kids :D
_______________________________
Japanese Girls
HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE this obituary! What a fucking cuntbag.
Talking ill of the dead is a huge no-no. I see a violent poltergeist in this family's future.
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
"If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it."
Oh GOD, when Ted Kennedy goes......I'll bet he had a perfect life, NO alcoholism, car accident never happened.......(barfs)
**************************************************
what's the matter with your life? why you gotta mess with mine? don't be sweatin' what I do, cause I'm gonna be just fine...
-Salt n Pepa "None of Your Business"
WOW, you know it takes years of complete meanness (sp) and evil doings to create that kind of hatred. She must have been a barrel of fun! RIP BITCH!
__________________________________________________________
I'm your huckleberry...BITCH!!
I love this obit, honesty in the news, so refreshing.
it's not very nice to assume that they're all on welfare
Seriously, the intended audience for those comments is fucking dead so what's the point other than to go public with the fact that your family is a hot mess.
She can't have been that big of a hag if someone fucked her enough to produce that many spawn.
-------------------
Yes, ees gud. Now, if you pees shut mouf, we say nice prayer to God.
Holy Batman & Robin: That was gangsta'!
PS: "There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart" <----------ouch!
Submitted by Leatherette on August 18, 2008 - 3:47pm.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 18, 2008 - 3:41pm.
Holy shit!
Seriously, I hate the ass kissing that happens when people die. Remember when Reagan died? That was fucking SICKENING.
-----------------------------
AMEN. Glad I was too young to "appreciate" how that senile old fucker "blessed us" with bleeding the national treasury, treating the growing AIDS epidemic as a gay problem, and ushering in the era of greed in the name of religion.
Yeah, that was sickening.... Just wait until Ted Kennedy *FINALLY* croaks. We'll all be spewing from both ends listening to the shit they say about that murderer.
I feel bad for the person who wrote it. That is one MF who is eaten alive with anger. If Delores was that miserable a human being her death should be a welcome relief
Team Valtrex
Nice to see you.
Wait, Reagan's dead?
This couldn't be MK's obit, there's no mention of him already being buried balls deep at the time of his demise.
***********************************************
Peter: Whoa, Lois, look at you, you look like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.
I don't get that whole "respect for the dead" thing. It was born of superstition-people believed that if they spoke poorly of the dead then they would be haunted. Oooooooookey dokey. As far as this obit goes, sounds like it was pretty honest. (Also sounds like the witch was related to my mother). If the truth is ugly that doesn't mean that people are being mean or cruel. No one complains when the truth is complimentary.
Fucking awesome! \m/ \m/
More obits would read like this if more people were more more honest.
I can only hope that, when I die, I will have an honest surviving acquaintance who will write something like this about me. Mine should be much shorter because I don't -- and don't plan to -- raise any children. My bitch genes don't need to be passed on.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 18, 2008 - 3:41pm.
"I hate the ass kissing that happens when people die. Remember when Reagan died? That was fucking SICKENING. "
***************************************************
I'm still trying to forget. But I don't want to start a political brouhaha....
so BACK on topic:
Reagan: DEAD.
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH FOOLED YA!!!
I once saw a headstone in a cemetery in Nashville, TN that was fairly recent (I think the woman died in the 1980's). It had her name, date of birth, and date of death on it with only one other comment, which was:
"She turned on her kin"
I bet that had a hell of a story behind it.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 18, 2008 - 3:49pm.
exactly Leatherette! Reagan didn't even MENTION AIDS until his last 3 months of Presidency....after thousands had died.
People praise him, because the country was rich..
-----------------------
xactly, and if from what I've read he only mentioned it in passing because Rock Hudson was Nancy Regan's best closeted girlfriend. And I forgot about that whole "wonderful" thing he did to the homeless: "free" them from mental institutions to fend for themselves on the streets, oh yeah, and send a shitload of arms to Central American death squads, SIGH! them's were the good ol' days all the soccer mommies are wetting themselves over -- YES, I'm bitter much about this mess we've inherited./end rant
I thought that was funny too
exactly Leatherette! Reagan didn't even MENTION AIDS until his last 3 months of Presidency....after thousands had died.
People praise him, because the country was rich..
**************************************************
what's the matter with your life? why you gotta mess with mine? don't be sweatin' what I do, cause I'm gonna be just fine...
-Salt n Pepa "None of Your Business"
ridiculous! She ain't gonna read it and no one else needed to know their family business like that.
PS MK I'm sure your obit will not read anything close to that. Probably more like RIP MK...he loved the peen!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
how YOU doin'?
Submitted by yiooooooo on August 18, 2008 - 3:46pm.
I know a lot of people who deserve a obit like that but if you hate someone so much say it to their face dont wait until they are dead to insult them
------------------------
hell NAW, do BOTH, double your fun.
*Claps* I love when people don't sugarcoat shit
:(
George Carlin went to Heaven and left us with Dane Cook here in Hell
****
You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that
I want my obituary to say my accomplishments and one of them would be "avid Dlisted reader"
--------------------------------
"Hahaha....you are eating my caca and paying for it. Meeeeow." No gracias. MK
Nine children?!?!?!!?!?
Well, that would make me one helluva bitch, let me tell you what.
-☮'---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮-
Nervenzusammenbruch
Submitted by parissucksliterally on August 18, 2008 - 3:41pm.
Holy shit!
Seriously, I hate the ass kissing that happens when people die. Remember when Reagan died? That was fucking SICKENING.
-----------------------------
AMEN. Glad I was too young to "appreciate" how that senile old fucker "blessed us" with bleeding the national treasury, treating the growing AIDS epidemic as a gay problem, and ushering in the era of greed in the name of religion.
-- OOPS, politics again, so oh HEY, how about them euros kissing ^_^
Holy shit. I'm copy-pasting that for when my mom's bitchy ass croaks but, uh only...she DID have a hobby if you count being a total psycho a hobby.
Naw. I'll be kind and just write something like, "R.I.P. mommy meanest." Yaknow. Something real mature and healing. lol
Freaking awesome!!! Come on now...the old hag new she was a wretched biotch!!!
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot".
I know a lot of people who deserve a obit like that but if you hate someone so much say it to their face dont wait until they are dead to insult them
Submitted by Tigerlilly on July 14, 2008 - 8:39pm.
HUG ME JESUS! I SAY, HUG ME JESUS!!!! Can I get an Amen from the DListed congregation...I say, can I GET AN AMEN FROM THE DLISTED CONGREGATION???? You know you ho's want a hug from Jesus
Dying does not automatically turn a life time asshole into a saint.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hell ain't SHIT!" Stinkmeaner from "The Boondocks"
LMAO, OMFG!!! That's hilarious! That's what both my grandmother and my grandfather's obits will look like - NOBODY in our family can stand those bitches, especially their own children.
*************************************
"Ed Westwick is not gay - he's British!"
THAT WAS AMAZING! I LOVED IT!
"Remember, don't speak ill of the dead" say some Goody Two Shoes types.
I say, "Why the hell not?"
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby ... all wielding baseball bats and a fat barrel whoop ass.
That's about the only thing that this obit omitted.
And AT LAST, honesty.
I bet old Delores was 'helped' to the other side by her family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hell ain't SHIT!" Stinkmeaner from "The Boondocks"
The only people that should be offended by that (if any) would be the ones who deserve that kind of obit themselves, and they would only be offended because they will be realizing their's should say the same thing.
However, you'd think they would at least give her recognition her contribution to society by spawning them!
My obit will read, "ILovePapaSmurf was a bitch, bitch, bitch. She deserved to die. There will be no services for her because we'd all say how much we hated her. - Her Mom."
--------------------------------------
I am Mexican and and I do think Michael Bay's "Transformers" is racist.
I second whoever said to posthumously nominate dis biotch for Hot Bitch of the month!!
-----------------------
"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere"
- Mae West
Can she be nominated for Hot Slut of the Month posthumously?
Holy shit!
Seriously, I hate the ass kissing that happens when people die. Remember when Reagan died? That was fucking SICKENING.
**************************************************
what's the matter with your life? why you gotta mess with mine? don't be sweatin' what I do, cause I'm gonna be just fine...
-Salt n Pepa "None of Your Business"
Shit! That's some drama for your mama, pun intended.
But really, how pathetic that your own family finds you loathsome, even in death. Damn, bitch...
I hate when people die and people say she was such a good person even when that person was a evil mean spirited whore ,be real dont lie say the true
Submitted by Tigerlilly on July 14, 2008 - 8:39pm.
HUG ME JESUS! I SAY, HUG ME JESUS!!!! Can I get an Amen from the DListed congregation...I say, can I GET AN AMEN FROM THE DLISTED CONGREGATION???? You know you ho's want a hug from Jesus
Holy Crap. This can't be real.
I'm so creeped out by this. If they hated the bitch so much tell her to her face. That's closure.
***************************************************
WISH GRANTED! >:)
myspace.com/draya23
She's gonna haunt whomever wrote that.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"WOLVERIIIINES!"
I honest to god wish I could use this for a member *cough*mother*cough* of my family.
(only the names will be changed to reveal, not protect, the guilty)
She must have done a hell of lot of damage in her time.
I'm no saint, but I hope at least one person will have something nice to say about me when I go. Even if they have to dredge it up from the bottom of somewhere.
At least the family is having the last word.
Good riddance Delores.
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.