My Obit Is Going To Read Exactly Like This One
This touching and eloquent obit showed up in the Times-Herald Napa/Sonoma paper. It's already been removed from the papers website, but I'm going to choose to believe that this is a real obit. It's just too amazing to be fake.
I'm sure that when I'm finally strapped into the jet plane to hell, my family will just copy and paste this shit as my obit.
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.
Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.
There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.
Oh Dolores! Your family might have hated you, but I love you and we've never even met! Seriously, Dolores and I are cut from the same bitch cloth.
VIA SFist
Thanks Allison
ShareThis
I want this to be my obituary!!!!! Even if it doesn't exactly describe me, it's just too amazing to pass up. Wait, it describes someone who "had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life"? Shit, it is me.
@Kizzy:
I'm assuming this is what you're talking about?
http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/headstone.asp
xD
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Hi5.
Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 2:58pm.
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I hope that my loved ones can get the whole bong shaped tomb stone right. Once people see the bong, the won't need to know anything else about me, so it won't need to have anything written on it.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
@DivasGone: LMAO!!! God, how could anyone not love her ass!?
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Hi5.
I just hope my nearest and dearest don't comprise a tombstone epitaph that spells out FUCK YOU vertically.
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♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by FatMartha on August 18, 2008 - 2:54pm.
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That one is the best!
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
if it is real, what disturbs me is that it was removed from the Internet/paper. WTF? Are we only allowed to write lies? Or only pretty shit? Freedom of speech...yahhhh...riiiight.
Submitted by DivasGone on August 18, 2008 - 4:51pm
ROFL BWHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG excellent rebuttal. Take THAT, brats!!
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♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
"FatMartha was a selfish bitch who loved her Hoveround wheelchair more than anything else, except for her cloned dogs. Her unusual fetish for make-believe book characters made everyone, from the elderly to the very very young, extremely uncomfortable. She spent entirely too much time on the computer while muching on Cheetos and cranberry juice. She is survived by her parents, who loved her sister more than her, her sister, who was always smarter and prettier anyways, and her horse, who is just glad that her fat ass will no longer be on his back."
RIP Dolores, you hot slut!!!
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Hi5.
Submitted by Madam Pince on August 18, 2008 - 4:44pm.
"Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 4:38pm
Sure, sure, it's all fun n' games til a fire-breathing demon skeleton takes over your closet...
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♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
"She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby."
Does that mean they're all going to burn in hell?
Submitted by DivasGone on August 18, 2008 - 2:51pm.
-0-0-0-0-
Dolores for Hot Dead Slut of the Day
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Oh and in case you hadn't noticed, DivasGone's obit would read "Had some pent up aggression"....
I've gotten out my ouija board and Dolores has a few words in rebuttal.
9 kids.. 200 grandkids.. 943 great grand kids. What the hell?! It took me 6 months just to send out friggin' Xmas cards! Then my beloved husband, Mr. ImAllergicToLatex, decides to go and kick the bucket before me, leaving me with all these damn KIDS giving me grief and telling me I'm not doing enough with my life. Well, you know what I say? I am the only reason you are even here, you ungrateful bitches!
You want me to have a damn hobby? You mean, listening to you big whiney babies piss and moan doesn't count? What about sitting around and waiting for my weekly "Mom, I've having another baby!" phone call? After the 3,000th baby blanket, I had to take the knitting needles and gouge my own eyes out!!
I singlehandedly tore this nation of people we call a family apart? Who the hell am I? Fidel friggin' Castro? Like you guys were shooting rays of sunshine out of your asses?! You're not gonna mourn me?! Well, trust me.. I'm not going to miss you bastards much either! I'm just glad you can't call me in HELL to ask me for any more damn money!!
Sleep with one eye open, bitches. You thought I was miserable in life. That creepy lady from Poltergeist has NOTHING on this bitch. It may take me another 80 years but I will come visit all of you one by one in your worst nightmares.
Yours truly,
Dolores
Hot damn, that's a obit and a half!
Frito's obit:
FritoDorito was eaten by 3 stoned teenagers. She will not be missed by her friends Pringles and Funions because they are afraid they will suffer the same fate.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Thanks frito! I just tell it like it is, lol.
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"that is not a common looking vagina right?"
Thank you very much, kdraco...but in lieu of flowers we are asking that you please make a donation to the "Destroy Wonky McValtrex Fund." :)
Anyway sluts, it's time for me to go home...have a good night, all!
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
"If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it."
" I apologize if I missed anyone."
AHAHAHAHA!
I copied this Obit and plan on reading it loudly into the phone or faces of my grandmother or mother the next time the call me up with some bullshit... Let This be a warning to all the annoying memaws and pepaws out there who won't get out of our asses! Threatening with nursing homes and Haitian home-health aides doesn't seem to get though to these bitches anymore- Maybe something like this will!
"Come on Gloria..."
-Hank Azaria "The Birdcage"
Submitted by Stoney on August 18, 2008 - 2:45pm.
I like your obit.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
NovaNightly was a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful, hard-working and talented woman...
ok..thats enough. Cut and PRINT!
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It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
Your Mom Ate th...: Here here! Wash. Sq. Park?!Great location! I will send flowers there :)
Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 4:43pm
hahahahahha.
*kisses kitty paw paw footies*
My cats do that and I want to bite their little feets.
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Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
My obit: "Stoney got shot in a road rage induced brawl on malfunction junction in Memphis, TN. She is survived by her parents, snobby absent sister, and a boyfriend who was unable to commit. She will be missed by Tammy at EdFinancial and the chick at Mapco. She leaves behind a ten year old Nissan and a bag of the good stuff."
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"that is not a common looking vagina right?"
"Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 4:38pm.
FOR REALS. Just as a matter of principle, they thought she was bad before, how cheerful do they suppose she's going to be after a couple of weeks in Hell? Most people's tempers do not improve with heat."
BWAAAHHHAAAAA!!! ROFLMAO!!!
Shouting from above: "Frying over, grandma? Time for the oven roasting, eh?"
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"You don't remember the motorcycle gang? Doing the striptease in front of them at the bar? The iguana? Good God, man. Tell me you remember the iguana!"
Ooh, here's my obit:
Your Mom Ate the Taco was a spaced-out pothead who spent her Dlisted days fighting for justice against the evil Wonky McValtrex. She led a brave platoon who marched and fought against bands of giant crabs and really bad foot odor. Together they kept Wonky McValtrex at bay all while conquering girl scout troops all over the country and confiscating their ill-begotten, yet unbelievably delicious, girl scout cookies. She is survived by her parents, her grandmothers, and her boyfriend. Services will be held on wednesday at Washington Square Park.
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
"If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it."
This should have been my grandfathers obit...let me tell you!! He tortured me and my family for YEARS...and we took it because it meant that we would inherit his money. We stuck around and did what he said to for years and years...he was a mean mean MEAN man. So yeah...i can relate.
No way MK...you're too genius to have an obit like this. PLUS...we all love you and would miss your sparkling wit! yeah...i just kissed your arse. Pffft! :P
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It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
Submitted by BRADIFUL BITCH on August 18, 2008 - 4:36pm.
BONUS!!! You already have a good idea what the furniture's going to look like!!
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♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on August 18, 2008 - 4:25pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 3:22pm.
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on August 18, 2008 - 4:13pm.
FOR REALS. Just as a matter of principle, they thought she was bad before, how cheerful do they suppose she's going to be after a couple of weeks in Hell? Most people's tempers do not improve with heat.
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♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
HAHA!
this is too fucking good to be true!!!
ha, my obit
Christine the hoff was a violent, snotty woman who smoked too much, swore like a sailor, and fucked anything in pants.
Her kids are relieved she's finally not bugging them anymore.
Her sister was always jealous of her, so she's happy now too.
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"what're you still doing here? Didn't I tell you to go home and fuck your mother?"
My obit:
"Bradiful Bitch went down in a blaze of loon bombs after rescuing The Brad from the EVIL clutches of Skeletina. All that was recovered was a partial tin foil hat that donned scratch n sniff stickers and a broken pair of Rose colored glasses.
The Brad, still recovering, is expected to build a shrine for Bradiful."
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Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
I can certainly see myself wanting to write an Obit like that for a few people I know. I just won't have the guts to do it like Delores' family did. :P
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'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars...
-Nickelback, "Rockstar"
My obituary: "Madam Pince was a bitchy, lazy smartass who hated drop-in visitors and drank too much coffee, Diet Pepsi Max and bourbon. She only had one child, because she realized she was a horrible mother and shouldn't contribute further to the world's database of disturbed people. No one will miss her but the credit card companies, who won't get their regular monthly payments because the bitch didn't have any life insurance."
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"You don't remember the motorcycle gang? Doing the striptease in front of them at the bar? The iguana? Good God, man. Tell me you remember the iguana!"
Submitted by Viva Mexico on August 18, 2008 - 4:28pm.
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LOL. Poor boys
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"Ed Westwick is not gay - he's British!"
Submitted by Madam Pince on August 18, 2008 - 4:29pm.
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My grandmother used to lock my 5 yr old cousin in the dark, small bathroom when he misbehaved and then tell him to "stay in there with the demons!" Then she told my 7 yr old cousin that she was going to be barefoot and pregnant at 15 and wind up being a whore like her prostitute mother. And she starved her. Nice. This obit would be perfect for her.
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"Ed Westwick is not gay - he's British!"
She sounds like a major bitch. I hope the family she tortured will move on in peace!
OMG I love her! Ok, so we never met and the ho is now worm food, but after reading that I feel Dolores and I could've been great frienemies. I'll do a shot of whisky next time I'm in the pool hall in her honer.
Change the name and date, it would be perfect for my grandmother. She was the queen bitch of hell. The minister, who barely knew her, spoke so kindly of her that after the funeral, I told my mom (her DIL), "That was a nice eulogy; wonder who it was for?" Her response: "Don't be rude." WTF not?!? She was a fuckin' BITCH.
The only memories I have of my grandmother are negative. She and Dolores are probably comparing notes now.
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"You don't remember the motorcycle gang? Doing the striptease in front of them at the bar? The iguana? Good God, man. Tell me you remember the iguana!"
Fast forward 20 years: This is Britney's obit written by Sean and JJ
Stoney: bawwahhhhaahhhaaahhhaaahhhaaa.
Dear Daughter:
Perhaps we could have had a better relationship if I hadn't had to push out seven bitches like yourself before having a boy. See you in Hell.
Love,
Delores
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"that is not a common looking vagina right?"
Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 3:22pm.
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on August 18, 2008 - 4:13pm.
And after hearing about her obituary, you can bet Moms isn't going to be chanting,"cross over children, all are welcome, all are welcome"
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On the contrary--she'll be more like that skeletal beast that blocks Diane from getting into Carolann & Robby's room.
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
"If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it."
I think my grandma might have something like this one day.
Submitted by Your Mom Ate th... on August 18, 2008 - 4:13pm.
And after hearing about her obituary, you can bet Moms isn't going to be chanting,"cross over children, all are welcome, all are welcome"
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♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
NOW they tell her. :) Dolores you must have been awful!LOL
;>
haha, hilarious!!
that said, if my kids ever write something like this after I die, so help me I'm coming back to haunt their asses!! lol
That. Was. Amazing.
I'm happy for her family that they got that out there and are rid of her.
She and Leona Helmsly are cackling and smoking ciggies and sipping martinis while their toes get roasted by hell fire. (hmm the martini part sounds good *wondering off to liqour cabinet*)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruFItmix58A&feature=related
xxyxz, you have a point there.
The venom of unresolved family shit,and vicious hate for the dead is bleeding through the Net.
Seriously, this is some bitter shit. I think the bad Juju may effect all our goodly D-list Sluts.
Damn, that's some funny shit!
"Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life."
Classic Obit! Really top drawer!