My Obit Is Going To Read Exactly Like This One
This touching and eloquent obit showed up in the Times-Herald Napa/Sonoma paper. It's already been removed from the papers website, but I'm going to choose to believe that this is a real obit. It's just too amazing to be fake.
I'm sure that when I'm finally strapped into the jet plane to hell, my family will just copy and paste this shit as my obit.
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.
Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.
There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.
Oh Dolores! Your family might have hated you, but I love you and we've never even met! Seriously, Dolores and I are cut from the same bitch cloth.
VIA SFist
Thanks Allison
pretty straight forward obit. this is what we need more of, but i wish they could have told her before she croaked.
'mu-theer,
you screwed up my life and i just want to tell you before the devil welcomes you home, f@ck you!'
imagine? i'm sure someone has done this.
Classy...the only thing that would have made that better would have been for her to stab the old bag as she laid in her coffin...you know...just to make sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something." ~ Man Of The Year (about Angelina Ho-Lee)
www.myspace.com/cinnaburst_1976
Sad.
Submitted by MzSassy on August 18, 2008 - 9:31pm.
I've enjoyed reading this thread...but I have to honestly say that the above letter is very sad. I had a wonderful grandmother who loved me deeply. I am an only child and once when I asked her why my parents couldn't have more kids, she told me "Well, when you were born, your daddy looked at you and loved you so much, he couldn't bear to have another child." Reading this thread makes me cry because I still miss her, and it's been 11 years since her passing. When my grandmother was dying, she was still incredibly kind and compassionate towards me. She was sick and dying from cancer but she wanted me to enjoy some oranges -- she knew I always loved oranges and orange juice. She was just that kind of person, and at her funeral, I bawled like a baby....I didn't just lose my grandmother, I lost one of my best friends.
-------------------------------------------
That was beautiful MzSassy, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for sharing that with us. It brought me to tears, but in a good way.
:)
*************************************************************************
"I told my brother all about you, he's gonna love you, only he better
not love you too much or I'll kick his ass."
OH MY.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Just don't feed the gayelles! They eat enough of each other.---MK 8/5/2008
Glad someone stood up for themselves..good for them!
Michael Phelps is my favorite player. By the way, I saw his profile on millionaire&celeb dating site """""C e l e b C u p i d.c o m"""""" last week. It is said he is only intersted in dating wealthy young women on that site.
They have confirmed it's real:
http://sfist.com/2008/08/18/update_dolores_aguilar_obit_is_dead.php
Submitted by DivasGone
I've gotten out my ouija board and Dolores has a few words in rebuttal
*** P.R.I.C.E.L.E.S.S. ***
Just Like A White Winged Dove
wow. that's pretty harsh... i'm surprised they even published that shit.
Hilarious!
Honesty is over-rated. If everyone were truly honest no one would have friends because everyone would be hurt in some way even if they dnt admit it. Family and friends are there to lift your spirits and make you a better person, which includes calling you out when you are acting as a detriment to yourself and others and ALSO leaving some things unsaid. I'm barely 20 and I am sure I will contribute to society, but if my family wrote an obituary like that, best believe some people will be haunted and have unrest the rest of their sleepytimes.
~************************************************~
"This is all rather 'may-jah'..."
~Posh-esque
this is probably one of the most honest obits out there...
_____________________________________________
the world is great big old place for all of us to fuck up in it...
Submitted by MzSassy on August 18, 2008 - 6:31pm.
You are very lucky...I am so jelly. I never met either of my grandmothers, but by all accounts, I wasn't missing much.
And for all of you out there with toxic mothers...
big cyber hug and smooches.
been there, done that. ♥
[My mom was toxic but apparently hers was even worse.
RIP mom]
-☮'---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮-
Nervenzusammenbruch
Thank you-Thank you-Thank you! I just copied, pasted and saved that beautiful piece of work under "My Mom's Obituary-should she ever finally kick the freaking bucket because only the good die young and she will likely be here longer than my ass"-sure she only had 2 kids and a small handful of grand kids but the rest couldn't be more on the money if I'd written it myself.
-------------------------------------------
- betterthanyomama
I've enjoyed reading this thread...but I have to honestly say that the above letter is very sad. I had a wonderful grandmother who loved me deeply. I am an only child and once when I asked her why my parents couldn't have more kids, she told me "Well, when you were born, your daddy looked at you and loved you so much, he couldn't bear to have another child." Reading this thread makes me cry because I still miss her, and it's been 11 years since her passing. When my grandmother was dying, she was still incredibly kind and compassionate towards me. She was sick and dying from cancer but she wanted me to enjoy some oranges -- she knew I always loved oranges and orange juice. She was just that kind of person, and at her funeral, I bawled like a baby....I didn't just lose my grandmother, I lost one of my best friends.
Submitted by Sheeps on August 18, 2008 - 6:04pm.
I'm sure it's cathartic but the deceased can't read it. How bout just note her passing and keep your family's unhappiness to itself? Then work at repairing the damage she did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ITA.
Dolores deserved it, I have no doubt, but airing your family's dirty laundry in public is rather undignified.
-☮'---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮-
Nervenzusammenbruch
I've gotten out my ouija board and Dolores has a few words in rebuttal.
9 kids.. 200 grandkids.. 943 great grand kids. What the hell?! It took me 6 months just to send out friggin' Xmas cards! Then my beloved husband, Mr. ImAllergicToLatex, decides to go and kick the bucket before me, leaving me with all these damn KIDS giving me grief and telling me I'm not doing enough with my life. Well, you know what I say? I am the only reason you are even here, you ungrateful bitches!
You want me to have a damn hobby? You mean, listening to you big whiney babies piss and moan doesn't count? What about sitting around and waiting for my weekly "Mom, I've having another baby!" phone call? After the 3,000th baby blanket, I had to take the knitting needles and gouge my own eyes out!!
I singlehandedly tore this nation of people we call a family apart? Who the hell am I? Fidel friggin' Castro? Like you guys were shooting rays of sunshine out of your asses?! You're not gonna mourn me?! Well, trust me.. I'm not going to miss you bastards much either! I'm just glad you can't call me in HELL to ask me for any more damn money!!
Sleep with one eye open, bitches. You thought I was miserable in life. That creepy lady from Poltergeist has NOTHING on this bitch. It may take me another 80 years but I will come visit all of you one by one in your worst nightmares.
Yours truly,
Dolores
--------------------------------------------
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I LOVE this....utterly hysterical....i am seriously giggling like a schoolgirl reading this.....bahahahaha! really cute.
awesome... a therapist dream letter
xoxox
The war isn't working.
I'm sure it's cathartic but the deceased can't read it. How bout just note her passing and keep your family's unhappiness to itself? Then work at repairing the damage she did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Glaucoma sufferers, count yourselves lucky.
Eep! Harsh, dude.
♥ ThreadKilla! / Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can only find pictures of the girl twin.
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on August 18, 2008 - 6:44pm.
Better honest than hypocritical. I've always said there should be generic greeting cards that say "Because We're Biologically Related," rather than that sentimental hogwash to choose from, to send to my evil sister I rarely communicate with and yet with whom I share a birthday.
********************************************
Meh, why bother to send anything to someone whom you share nothing but DNA? It's sad when that's the case (my asshole brother), but you know what? Why pretend? It's so ridiculous!
His dumbass wife tried to put on some bullshit act by tryna hug my ass in front of family when neither of them had ANY communication with me for YEARS other than to badmouth me behind my back. Yeah, no. I nixed that hug real fast. And I don't regret it, but now that you mention it, maybe a "Hallmark hug" is in order...
"Sorry I rejected your fake hug. Here's a fake hug to make up for it, and mine is biodegradable...unlike yours which was, well, just degrading... Luv ya...KIT..."
**********************************
Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Better honest than hypocritical. I've always said there should be generic greeting cards that say "Because We're Biologically Related," rather than that sentimental hogwash to choose from, to send to my evil sister I rarely communicate with and yet with whom I share a birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What? Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup." - MK 07/18/08
Wow, I love my grandma, but I will never forgive her for teaching my mother how to beat her chilren with an electric cord! I love you grandma Pinky.
Well Track a Ghost Through The Fog,Baby... Oh you try hard but you'll never catch me... Yeah Yeah
Submitted by iHeartHaters on August 18, 2008 - 6:26pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 2:58pm.
I just hope my nearest and dearest don't comprise a tombstone epitaph that spells out FUCK YOU vertically.
~~~~~~~~~~~
How about one that reads "HOT SLUT"?!
==============
Well, at least people would know I led a "full" life, ROFL
************************************
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
DivasGone on August 18, 2008 - 4:51pm.
I've gotten out my ouija board and Dolores has a few words in rebuttal.
-------------
"After the 3,000th baby blanket, I had to take the knitting needles and gouge my own eyes out!!
I singlehandedly tore this nation of people we call a family apart? Who the hell am I? Fidel friggin' Castro?"
bawwahhhhaahhhaahhhaaa.excellent
@Blubble on August 18, 2008 - 1:54pm.
"She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby."
**
Does that mean they're all going to burn in hell?
**
I wonder if they are hiding from her.
Secondly, I really feel bad for some of you. I have a wonderful family, and great in-laws.
________________
“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook”
I can only imagine what, if allowed to, my husband would put on my grave stone.
"Finally! The bitch is dead and I'm rich!"
Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 2:58pm.
I just hope my nearest and dearest don't comprise a tombstone epitaph that spells out FUCK YOU vertically.
~~~~~~~~~~~
How about one that reads "HOT SLUT"?!
(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸♥¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´¯)
Holy shit I didn't know my grandma died!! I'll hafta call Mom so we can celebrate LMFAO
For reals though, my mom's mom is a grade A TWAT. This is exactly how her obituary is gonna be worded. Oh, unless the very few ppl left in my family who still suck her shit end up writing the obit. In that case they will give an amen to nanny's money(and what they hope to get a slice of). They can all rot in hell with it. Eff em all. But hey I'm not bitter LOL :P
P.S. MK there are waaaay too many people who love your bitch ass. Sorry but you have affected us sluts in a most wonderful way! You are extremely loved, sorry to tell ya:P
(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸♥¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´¯)
Submitted by aquarius on August 18, 2008 - 5:16pm.
_________________________________
I know I'll be letting my grandmother know how much of a cunt she is the next time she calls me or my mom. Same for my grandfather - they both fucking suck.
***********************************
"Ed Westwick is not gay - he's British!"
Dolores I think I love u!!! You should be the Hot Slut of the Month!
No Read, No Shade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay, I have to play.
My obit:
"Morrissey was an ambiguously gay man who secretly liked women, but didn't want to 'blow' his image. He was born, he lived, and then he died. He spent most of his life holding grudges and writing songs about how miserable he was, when in reality, he spent most of his life driving around West Hollywood in his Jaguar. He is survived by his cat Oliver Cromwell, his faithful servant / lay Sarah, his 79-year-old momager Betty, and 1,275 inconsolably distraught fans."
*************************************************************************
"I told my brother all about you, he's gonna love you, only he better
not love you too much or I'll kick his ass."
So Kate Gosselin's real name was Dolores Aguilar and she is dead WTF!! What is Dragon and Leah going to do, oh well burn in hell bitch. Cara had to write this because Maddy has A.D.D. along with the rest in my opinion and Jon is sex'n up his trainer right now.
HOLY.
Is that actually an obit inspired by Tony Soprano's mother, Olivia?
Sounds like it.
Maybe a joke...?
*************************************************************************
"I told my brother all about you, he's gonna love you, only he better
not love you too much or I'll kick his ass."
That is sad actually. Living your entire life as such a royal bitch, that even your family won't miss you.
Damn.
Sadly, my mom's may very well resemble that when her time comes. Not all moms give a shit about anybody but themselves and ripping people up.
I got to say that took some juevos to tell it like it was. She probably said and DID waaaaay worse to her "loved" ones during her life.
Submitted by DivasGone on August 18, 2008 - 1:51pm.
I've gotten out my ouija board and Dolores has a few words in rebuttal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ooooooh, I really ♥ you!!!!
-☮'---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮---☮-
Nervenzusammenbruch
Sounds like my mother-in-law. I harbor no ill will towards her but her 3 adopted kids DO NOT talk to her. Haven't in years. I have never known her to send b-day cards to her children or grandchildren. It's sad but that's life.
++++++++++++++++++++
I'm loving this thread! Dolores definately deserves some beyond the grave HSOTD props.
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
Girls with large kolaches shouldn't be talking all Slitty! ~Sluttsville
LMAO! That obit fits my ex mother-in-law perfect, the fucking cunt.
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 18, 2008 - 5:15pm.
@Kizzy, I like your siggy
ROFL I'm an enabler, I can appreciate my cats wanting to get stoned every now and then! Plus, they just look so darn cute when they roll around in it.
************************************
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
That obit would be PERFECT for my step-grandmother. Seems like a lot of people here have shitty grandmothers, too, what's up with that? Why do y'all old women have to turn into huge bitches, huh? Although in my step-grandmother's case, I'm hoping I'll one day summon up the courage to say all that shit to her face. She's truly evil, so I'm sure she'll outlive both my parents.
@Kizzy, I like your siggy
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Submitted by DivasGone on August 18, 2008 - 4:51pm.
__________________________________
LOL, brilliant!
**********************************
"Ed Westwick is not gay - he's British!"
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 18, 2008 - 5:02pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 2:58pm.
Now that is class! That would show how much your family loved you, they honored you with what you enjoyed so much in life, no different than the ones that have dogs, cats, or musical instruments sculpted or carved. Make sure you mention your favorite to them.
************************************
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
There was one a couple of years ago in my town where the surviving second wife wrote that the guy died from cancer basically caused by stress that his ex created from custody issues.
Submitted by FatMartha on August 18, 2008 - 5:03pm.
@Kizzy:
ROFL Yes ma'am!! That would be the one!! HAHAHAHA
************************************
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by BRADIFUL BITCH on August 18, 2008 - 4:45pm.
Kizzy on August 18, 2008 - 4:43pm
I nibble toesies, too. I especially love the Persian toesies, I like to tickle their lil' fur tufts between their toesies. They tolerate my fetish sometimes, ROFL
************************************
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
I just found this funny one online:
"Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other’s courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred’s personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span.
When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Additionally, all of Fred’s friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, “Fred who?”
__________________________________________
"that is not a common looking vagina right?"