Dane Cook Really Hates His Movie Poster
Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.
He lost me when he said his "left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina." First of all, it's BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney's delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from "American Pie" is holding.
The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook's skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it's fine.
Dane's 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream "douche" while saying it and you'll get a prize. JUMP!!
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.4. Lips:
It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"7. Hair:
It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Did you scream douche? If you didn't, your prize is a tube of Maybelline's Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick in apricot. Buy yourself one at your local Rite-Aid and send me the bill.
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Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 8:59pm.
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I had no idea.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
this shit is just annoying... meh, you be the judge... is it on topic?
later, all
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"Thought of you as my mountain top.
Thought of you as my peak.
Thought of you as everything,
I've had but couldn't keep."
Dane Cook should be thankful anyone knows he exists.ingrate. :\
Perhaps this should be his last movie, god forbid he be unhappy again.
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 10:55pm.
Pip is still here, just under another name, one under which she gets harassed less.
Dane Cook, unfortunately, is still here too.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
REPORT THE TROLL EVERYTIME IT POSTS. Exchanging a conversation is pointless.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
The fact Dane Cook's face is being shown on large movie screens is reason enough for him to STFU.
He is busted and fug.
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
Submitted by DebFrmHell on August 12, 2008 - 8:49pm
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I've seen a lot of good people either go, or they hardly come on here anymore. That sucks. I haven't seen Aphid in forever and PIp Cheerio is gone for good.
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Just googled Tucker Max and yes that guy is a major douche bag.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Two Drink Min,
The Banned one is back yet again. Effing troll.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Mike, maybe it's Mayebeline?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
yeah, he is a douche for crying about it all, but honestly everything he's said is true. it's so fake/stupid looking.
Submitted by Cooch.Roue on August 12, 2008 - 10:50pm.
Who is Tucker Max?
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http://www.tuckermax.com/
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YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM LONDON!
Who is Tucker Max?
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
I’m like an American princess. - Paris Hilton
I have things no heiress has. I've done it all on my own. Like a hustler. - Paris Hilton
I'm going to have to Google Tucker Max
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
FritoDorito,
It is truly pathetic that good commentators are leaving because of this constant stream of shit that the troll thinks makes herself appear funny witty and beyond clever. It is too stooopid to figure out with every banning that "**slaps head**gee i must log in another another name again? Is something wrong with their server?" No, it is that no one wants you one the site.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Submitted by mike on August 12, 2008 - 9:49pm.
A definite member of the Pantheon of Douches is Tucker Max. He's never been mentioned on here, at least that I can recall, but he likely will when it's revealed that his whole schtick is a sham. And that day is rapidly approaching.
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aahh mike i was wondering why no one on this site ever talks about tucker max! he may be a douche but he does pretty damn well for himself. he used to live in the same city as me, and i've heard horror stories about girls he fucked that aren't even mentioned in his book or on his website. he's going to put out a new book and movie next fall so i bet we're going to hear a lot more about him ...
how is he a sham though? do you have any dirt on him??
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YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE FROM LONDON!
Dane Cook looks like he has milk breath
Submitted by DebFrmHell on August 12, 2008 - 8:38pm
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Ugh, a troll that's pretending to be a mindless drone to annoy us. Great.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 9:18pm.
Submitted by Lory on August 12, 2008 - 10:11pm.
What is his day job? Burger King employee? Was he in that tub? Where is Chris Hansen? Oh, I don't know what I'm saying, I'm drunk. But I'll bet he was in that tub.
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Don't know what his day job is, but word has it, it involves a butt-pug and a bottle of Crisco. He's not smooth enough to be in that BK tub.
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Let me dirty up your mind.
@ 2 fatcats:
"He is only famous because brain dead, beer pickled college, frat date rapists need a God to worship."
WIN.
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"I guess time seems to stretch out when you don't really give a fuck." -- MK, 07/07/08
Submitted by FritoDorito,
This troll has already been banned 3, 4 20 times who knows...it is an ass and only content to stir trouble and outing a RL name today.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Submitted by Cooch.Roue on August 12, 2008 - 8:26pm.
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Ass kisser, I really hope you're being sarcastic.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
I really wish someone would remove Dane Cook from our cultural landscape. He is sucking up way more Hollywood oxygen than he deserves. He is not funny and not cute, and has been already exposed as a full-on hack.
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"Boy's a bit confused about his pigmentation. But he does have spunk, doesn't he?" - Theodore Bagwell
Dane Cook is so charismatic, and has worked so hard to get to where she is. I do not think it is nice to cut him down like this. Plus, he is a very handsome and charming fellow....the kind who might like to take a wife? I would marry Dane Cook if he asked me. He seemed sweet, like in the romantic comedy Good Luck Chuck with the beautiful actress Jessica Alba.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
I’m like an American princess. - Paris Hilton
I have things no heiress has. I've done it all on my own. Like a hustler. - Paris Hilton
Submitted by aquarius on August 12, 2008 - 10:18pm.
I think his day job is a position as a fluffer in the animal porn industry.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by Lory on August 12, 2008 - 10:11pm.
What is his day job? Burger King employee? Was he in that tub? Where is Chris Hansen? Oh, I don't know what I'm saying, I'm drunk. But I'll bet he was in that tub.
Oh, for fuck's sake! I hate comedians/actors that try and equivocate the shit they put out.
Submitted by day shift stripper on August 12, 2008 - 10:16pm.
Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on August 12, 2008 - 9:45pm.
Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia should star in a movie: "I tell Steve Martin jokes... badly"... then Joe Rogan can kill them in the end.... i'd go to the theatre for that
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So awesome. I would actually pay to see that.
Now, if Joe would end the movie by turning the knife/gun/whatever on himself, I'd not only pay to see that, I'd help finance the movie's production.
Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on August 12, 2008 - 9:45pm.
Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia should star in a movie: "I tell Steve Martin jokes... badly"... then Joe Rogan can kill them in the end.... i'd go to the theatre for that
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So awesome. I would actually pay to see that.
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"That was the most ludicrous pack of verbal peanut butter buttfuck I have ever read." ~DebFrmHell
http://www.myspace.com/zoloftpony
Submitted by Cooch.Roue on August 12, 2008 - 9:24pm.
I love this poster. I think it's very tasteful and well-done. Dane Cook is so funny, and I'm willing to bet he and Kate have palpable chemistry. Palpable. I'll be sitting fourth row center on opening night, I tell you that.
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Bwahahaha! I'll be sitting beside you! Let's bring sticky candies to throw at the screen!
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"Asshole . . . get that down or else you better pawn your cat because you'll need the money!" Tricia Walsh-Smith: Patroness of Angry Divorcés
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 10:10pm.
plus, i bet "american pie" dude doesn't have fucked up issues like the men kate usually goes for...
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the world is great big old place for all of us to fuck up in it...
That poster looks really, really odd. That shit is going straight to dvd, right?
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"Asshole . . . get that down or else you better pawn your cat because you'll need the money!" Tricia Walsh-Smith: Patroness of Angry Divorcés
Submitted by Always Sunny on August 12, 2008 - 8:11pm.
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All of his shit was awesome!
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
Note to Dane: Don't quit your day job. You must be many things, but comedian, you are not.
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Let me dirty up your mind.
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:45pm.
"I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too"
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Nice! My favorite one of all time!
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Now I've seen a lot of bullshit... angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photography involving tennis rackets...
Submitted by letinstar on August 12, 2008 - 10:06pm.
He just got turned off when he realized she was still covered in Owen Wilson's homemade whipped cream.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Dane's birth name is Massengil. Now I know what to do the next time I get that "not so fresh feeling."
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 10:01pm.
technically, kate is about as sharp as a slice of pie...doesn't that count for something?
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the world is great big old place for all of us to fuck up in it...
Submitted by mike on August 12, 2008 - 9:49pm.
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Really? I liked his book :(
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"Ed Westwick is not gay - he's British!"
Submitted by letinstar on August 12, 2008 - 10:00pm.
He'd rather fuck a pie.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
He's complaining about the movie poster, but he's fine with his role as the biggest douchebag fuckface in the universe.
☠
"That was the most ludicrous pack of verbal peanut butter buttfuck I have ever read." ~DebFrmHell
http://www.myspace.com/zoloftpony
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 7:56pm.
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Now that's just awful about Louis CK. Cook is a prick.
RIP Hedberg. I've got both of his CDs. He was awesome.
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
i'm surprised kate hudson hasn't started dating that "american pie" dude yet?
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the world is great big old place for all of us to fuck up in it...
oh for sure the poster is probably the best part of the movie. and also the ending credits....
but only if they start at the beginning
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think of the chilfren!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inventions_in_the_Muslim_world
Submitted by FritoDorito on August 12, 2008 - 9:49pm.
Their hatred seems pretty justified to me. Louis CK is still playing community colleges and Dane Cook makes millions for his crap movies that always bomb.
Agree about Mitch Hedberg, he was like Steven Wright on better drugs.
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
hahahaaaa! the britney, bitch comment made me pee
Dane doesn't have to worry. This dog of a movie won't be around long enough for people to even remember the poster.
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"Oh you little bitch troll from hell!" -- Patsy Stone
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 9:47pm.
Damn, that's pretty low! I guess you can get away with shit like that when your target audience is drunken 18-year-old frat boys. Or Jessica Simpson.
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 12, 2008 - 7:47pm.
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I just heard the itchy asshole thing, both Louis CK's and Cook's not 5 seconds ago. Apparently nobody in the comedy community likes Cook very much
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"I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drankin' problem and jealous old man in jail "- Roger Alan Wade
A definite member of the Pantheon of Douches is Tucker Max. He's never been mentioned on here, at least that I can recall, but he likely will when it's revealed that his whole schtick is a sham. And that day is rapidly approaching.