Dane Cook Really Hates His Movie Poster
Dane Cook has taken to his MySpace to whine about the poster from a movie most of us will probably never see. Dane listed the 10 reasons why he loathes it so much.
He lost me when he said his "left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina." First of all, it's BRITNEY, bitch. Second of all, Britney's delicate vagina looks more like the beautiful bouquet that dude from "American Pie" is holding.
The only problem I have with the poster is the fact that Kate Hudson and Dane Cook's skanky faces are in it. Besides that, it's fine.
Dane's 10 reasons on why he wants to eat his own movie poster and poop it out are after the jump. Try not to scream "douche" while saying it and you'll get a prize. JUMP!!
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.4. Lips:
It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"7. Hair:
It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Did you scream douche? If you didn't, your prize is a tube of Maybelline's Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick in apricot. Buy yourself one at your local Rite-Aid and send me the bill.
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My husband LOATHES, no HATES DC with the burning intensity of 1000 suns!
I was indifferent to DC until I read his douchey rant. What a tool. LMAO @ all the comments.
DC is fast rising up the ranks of the mosut douchiest.
G'night, Deb! (heehee, birthin' hole)
Slutty!! I'll make you a sweater outta my lambie pie chirrun if you BAA just once...
Good night Kids!
If Happy comes back, kick her in the birthin' hole for me!! ((but be sure to get you foot back.))
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Dv8, I'll touch you, but I'll be damned if I'll say "baaa", there's just lines that even I won't cross. Now move your arm so I can pinch your breasticles.
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Submitted by Sluttsville on August 13, 2008 - 12:44am.
LMAO!
Slutty, can you send me the Super Friends thingy again? I want to pass it on...
Oh yeah, and "Happycrappy" perhaps you should know that in the spring, Sheeps and I expect some lovely lambs...can you hear them screaming?
Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on August 13, 2008 - 12:32am.
It seems like battle lines have been drawn between certain unnamed posters.
What started it?
Or, is just one thing after another?
momus, I got my share of SHIT a long time ago but I was amongst a bunch of people who got listed as a certain critter known as 'mouse'...but there are some people who have come here to rile us up for a totally different reason. JJ-ers namely. It's kind of hilarious that some folks from other blogs have decided to war with us here. WTF? DAMN. -AND here I thought I was just a grazin' in the grass being the peaceful beast and then... WHAM! Slaughter time! *cry* ;)
Slutty & Dot, get on over here & touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me (inappropriately!!)
onT:
Dane Cock (yeah typo) is um,...a DOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHE
Submitted by Aunt Bea on August 13, 2008 - 12:34am.
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Hello Aunt Bea....long time, no see. Talking about our legal correspondent "Creeps" is like about Opie Taylor. Wait....maybe I should request a refund on the legal retainer, he has represented death penalty cases before....right???
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Slutts, I was getting scared for a minute...I did have all those "alley times" with him ya know....
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When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
Dv8 I have not spoken to you in ages, bitch! Give us a kiss! lol
I'm still stuck on laundry duty tonite. My life is so fucking glam.
Am I blind or did MK not mention the name of the American Pie actor? -And, yes. I'm a lazy biotch but I'm still multi-tasking into the pm damnit.
DV8 IS IN THE HOUSE!!! *screaming like a Beatles fan*
PSL - I have a headache from Hell and when I read *rhymes with Creeps* I began laughing my ass off, that was too funny. I actually feel better.
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
btw, Dane es un media lengua cualquiera, tan charlie e imbécil, pretending to be smart, bitch please, solid body of work? HA.HA.
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P.H.: 'Dis is Egyptian Cotton, mudday-fuk... 2-20 thread. 'Dis is half your shitty-ass paycheck.
J.S.: You wouldn't know Egyptian cotton if Pharaoh himself gave it to you, you knock-off wearing motherfucker
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 13, 2008 - 12:35am.
Wool's kinda itchy?
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Not as much as his fleas; that's why I only touched him once.
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Submitted by shandi on August 13, 2008 - 12:29am.
Aunt Bea, I have the book and have read it three times. Do you have the Sixx:AM CD? If not, you will love it. I saw Sixx:AM and Motley at Crue Fest in July and they both rocked!
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I don't have the CD, but I will check it out, thanks!
I never meet Nikki fans...everyone I know loves
Tommy
Submitted by Sluttsville on August 13, 2008 - 12:34am.
Wool's kinda itchy?
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Slutty, QWEEN of the inappropriate touching (and I should KNOW)
yes, I'm bragging
DV8,
He got me for some phony Louboutins too. I fooled him by spray painting the souls red. They really came from Payless but don't tell.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Slutts, someone dishing the dirt on how disgusting a person Our Sheeps is? I'm sure you got a good cackle out of that one....
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When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
Submitted by Sluttsville on August 13, 2008 - 12:31am.
I've had a fucked up 2 days, but for some reason this has made me laugh so hard.
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I've had a bad day and then came in here and poof! they have me laughing!
Submitted by Team Valtrex on August 13, 2008 - 12:33am.
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Nooooo, but he was inappropriately touched by me!
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Submitted by Sluttsville on August 13, 2008 - 12:31am.
Were you touched inappropriately by a sheep also?
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Submitted by . on August 12, 2008 - 9:26pm.
Momus, it's the jungle, baby!
======
It seems like battle lines have been drawn between certain unnamed posters.
What started it?
Or, is just one thing after another?
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I didn’t say that it was your fault – I said that I was going to blame you.
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I will never get a prize, this is so unfair:(
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P.H.: 'Dis is Egyptian Cotton, mudday-fuk... 2-20 thread. 'Dis is half your shitty-ass paycheck.
J.S.: You wouldn't know Egyptian cotton if Pharaoh himself gave it to you, you knock-off wearing motherfucker
Deb, hee hee! butbutbut, I've got LEDERHOSEN....size, Ovine Medium
I've had a fucked up 2 days, but for some reason this has made me laugh so hard.
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
I was going to say, TV & PSL that Sheeps does begin with "S"....maybe she's right?
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She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Don't any of ya'll cough around Tim Valtrex or you will have a pinkie up the poop shooter before you know it!
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She's not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Submitted by Aunt Bea on August 12, 2008 - 9:51pm.
"I LOVE Nikki Sixx! I have the "Heroin Diaries" I just haven't had the time to read it."
Aunt Bea, I have the book and have read it three times. Do you have the Sixx:AM CD? If not, you will love it. I saw Sixx:AM and Motley at Crue Fest in July and they both rocked!
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
Submitted by Happygirl on August 12, 2008 - 9:21pm.
umm, his first name starts with an S.I also know his last and middle.
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you have him confused with someone else.
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When I was feeding on the need for you know me, devastated at the rate you fell below me;
what wasted unconditional love, on somebody,
who doesn't believe in the stuff......
- Fiona Apple "Oh Well"
Submitted by Happygirl on August 13, 2008 - 12:21am.
umm, his first name starts with an S.I also know his last and middle.
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Wow, you missed that guess by A LOT! You may as well have guessed a number or something in Sanskrit!
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Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
dv8trix,
Dayummutt! That makes about 28 women he has gotten the plane fare/lederhosen from... I feel like such a fool!
**raises hand to forehead and stifles a sniffle**
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on August 13, 2008 - 12:16am.
Damn. I leave for a few hours to have din-din and balance my checkbook and the thread is flaming with cybernapalm!
What did I miss?
I'm too lazy to read through 200+ posts.
Momus, it's the jungle, baby!
Happygirl on August 13, 2008 - 12:21am
I don't know who you BELIEVE sheeps is but you're wrong..........FACT!
/\
Madolyn: What do you expect coming in here?
Billy Costigan: I have to come here.
Madolyn: I know you have to come here, but now that you're here, what do you want?
Billy Costigan: You want the truth? Valium.
DEB, pass dem voddie-soaked fruit-roll-ups!
Sounds like Happy had too any roll ups on her way out. I make more sense with my OJ,Vodies and Nyquil
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Submitted by Two Drink Min on August 13, 2008 - 12:19am.
"." - Can't kick this cold...
You too? This cough *cough* medicine is damned habitual I tell ya! lol
Dane Cook and Kate Hudson would make a creepy combo.
"I've got a looker device!"
"Happygirl", so you're saying I shouldn't have sent Sheeps plane fare & new lederhosen to come visit me while my BF's out of town?
*checks stock of mint jelly*
O. MY. GAWD!
I do believe that SOMEBODY is going to get sent to the principal's office!
♥ ThreadKilla! / Lean Like a Chola / She's a Lady.
I can only find pictures of the girl twin.
MK rocks...that's why we are hear. He brings the laughter and the rest of us bring the beer.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
@2Drinks,
But I was saving the "fruit roll ups" for the good peeps! i soak them in vodka.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.
umm, his first name starts with an S.I also know his last and middle.
Sorry, I wont engage anymore in this as the truth is too upsetting for you all. trying to help out, but you all follow the herd for someone you don't know..
It's a little bit creepy he knows his lipsticks.
<3 That ain't ranch dressing on your salad...
"." - Can't kick this cold...
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Submitted by Happygirl on August 13, 2008 - 12:09am.
Integrity?? you know this guy from a chat room! Try watching this guy in real life... Absolutely disgusting.
**Try sitting in a car with my husband after he's had rice and beans!
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Glad you trust some random guy, who earns your trust by going to google and wiki from every topic to earn your trust. Again, this is his "nice, witty handle" to earn your trust.
**Hell you could earn my trust with a shot of Johnny Walker Blue!
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As someone said, he knows a lot about legal issues, there is very good reason for that. The games he plays on here on minor to his other stuff.
**Hmmmm, I could use some legal advise every now and then, this could be a good thing.
Debfrhell - I wnat the cookies, she gets none.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1172613656
Damn. I leave for a few hours to have din-din and balance my checkbook and the thread is flaming with cybernapalm!
What did I miss?
I'm too lazy to read through 200+ posts.
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I didn’t say that it was your fault – I said that I was going to blame you.
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Submitted by Happygirl on August 12, 2008 - 11:09pm.
Integrity?? you know this guy from a chat room! Try watching this guy in real life... Absolutely disgusting. Glad you trust some random guy, who earns your trust by going to google and wiki from every topic to earn your trust. Again, this is his "nice, witty handle" to earn your trust.
I also seems some of the users here lack basic information security education, but personal information can be gathered with less info than your real name/personall details.
As someone said, he knows a lot about legal issues, there is very good reason for that. The games he plays on here on minor to his other stuff
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You are more full of shit than a goose. Don't like the company, effing go out the door. Cya. Take two cookies.
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"Practically" is not an option when it comes to virginity.