Heidi Montag, the plastic pony from "The Hills," told UsWeekly that she's planning to record a Christian album. The "non-denominational Baptist" said, "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."
It gets better. Heidi said that she once planned to devote her life to missionary work in Africa. She will travel there this August to "feed children and help build things." In other news, Africa has just announced they are closing all their borders effective immediately.
And it gets EVEN better, Heidi compared herself to Jesus when talking about spreading the rumors about Lauren Conrad's sex tape, "God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"
Somewhere in Hollywood, Christopher Guest has to be sitting in a little room feeding these lines to Heidi Montag through an earpiece. There's no way this vapid skank is coming up with this kind of pure comedy on her own.
And Jesus is not amused.