Tank Jones (the motherfucker in the fancy pink tie in the picture above) lied to us all! Tank promised that Levi Johnston would give us a clear shot of the goods in his upcoming Playgirl spread, but this is not the case. There will no full frontal nekkidness. Call your local congressperson over this fuckery! This is an injustice.

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio released this statement to Gawker: "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

Basically, it sounds like we're just going to get Levi's peen head peeking out from a hockey stick? WHAT IS THE POINT?! How are people supposed to fap to that?

Tank Jones should hang his head in shame for the rest of his days. You can't promise us a salchicha barbecue, and then show up with half a Vienna sausage. You can lie about a lot of things, but you should never lie about DICK. Dick is serious business. Levi Johnston's peen and me are fucking done professionally!

Even if Levi had a crooked pencil peen with a misshapen head, they could've injected it with a little Crisco to fatten it up a bit. There's no excuse.

In between shots for Wall Street 2 (send your hate mail to Michael Douglas) in NYC today, Shia LaDouche gently kissed on Carey Mulligan's little nose like she was a precious Disney Princess. I know I should be "awwwing" in the heart over this, but mouth-to-nose fucking isn't my thing. I'd rather cuddle up to a filthy peen (see below) than get mocos on my lips. I have some standards (no, I don't).

Here's more of the co-stars/love birds being sweet today. How much do you want to bet that Shia calls Carey's nose "Mom."

Out Magazine named their 100 honorees, and Glamberace was hailed as the breakout of the year. Since Out is a gay magazine, I would expect them to ask Glamberace about how Ryan Gaycrest would always offer to give him a bikini wax with his tongue. You know, interesting things like that. But instead, they got to talking about his experience with the other kind of vagina.

Are you toying with perception when you talk about how you could be bi-curious? Or are you generally attracted to women?
I will make out with a girl at a bar. I mean, after a couple of drinks.

[Laughing] That doesn’t make you any less gay. Get three mai tais in a gay boy and he’ll make out with a girl. Sex is something different.
That’s why I say I’m curious. There are gay guys that gag and go “eww” at the thought of having sex with a girl. I’m curious about it, because I’ve never done it.

Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
Oral.

You went down on her?
Uh-huh.

Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17... The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.

And it’s threatening.
Well, it’s threatening personally because you start identifying as a certain thing for so long, the idea of kind of going outside of that is scary because you’re like, “But that’s who I am!” Being curious and embracing that curiosity is all a part of what I’m about. You don’t have to be any one thing. You can kinda just be. Just live your life -- and play.

If it was Glamberace's first time at the clambake, how did he know if she was dirty down there or not? I sampled from the oyster buffet in the 90s (WE ALL DID), and it didn't make me want to reach for the barf bag or anything. Mostly, I just closed my eyes, clicked my heels and wished that a 9-inch peen would pop out.

I'm guessing that stank snatch is just like stank dick. When dick is rancid, you know as soon as you pull the fly down. Seriously, you can smell it right away. It's like a week-old grilled cheese sandwich lying on a hot subway seat in the middle of August. Your nose hairs curl, your tonsils start throbbing and your slut skills are put to the test. You have to ask yourself if licking peen is really worth spending the next few days scraping dick butter off your tongue. And if your tongue comes across a big chunk of foreskin cheese, IT IS ALL OVER. MAN DOWN CODE 10.

And don't ask me how I went from Glamberace licking on vag to the dangerous world of dirty dick sucking.

Over on Twitter, there were rumors that Ken Ober went off to heaven. Many brushed off the rumors, because we all know MTV game show hosts live forever. But sadly, they don't, because Ken's manager confirms that he died over the weekend at the age of 52.

Ken was best known for hosting MTV's Remote Control for 5 seasons. Ken went on to host Make Me Laugh and also produced a few episodes of The New Adventures of Old Christine.

There's not many details on Ken's death. According to Ken's manager, he complained about a headache and flu-like symptoms on Saturday night. Ken told friends that he was going to take some medication and see a doctor as soon as possible. Ken was found dead in his Santa Monica, CA home on Sunday.

Below is a clip from Remote Control. I always wanted to be a contestant on that show, because they got to sit in fat chairs and eat imaginary snacks. Rest in Peace, Ken.....

Adriana Lima and her husband, basketball player Marko Jaric, have a brand new baby friend (of the female variety). Adriana's spokeswhore confirmed to People that she gave birth to a girl in NYC last night, "Adriana and Marko are thrilled to announce they had a baby girl, Valentina Lima Jaric. Mother, father and baby are all doing well."

I'm sure that as soon as she popped out her baby, her stomach went flat, her titties jumped for heaven and she let out a long butt hum (models don't fart) that caused her ass to shrink. Bitch will be back in a bikini by this weekend.

And I think we're all wondering the same thing: Does Valentina look like her mother, or does she have her father's marble eyes? If it's the latter, let's just tell her that her lil' eyes love her nose so much that they always want to be together. And if that doesn't work, we can tell her that when she grows up she can play the real-life Doug in a movie.

We're all awful people.

She’s got a show, a hot movie, and a fabulous life, but she won’t shave her legs. (Down2Front via Blind Gossip)

Mo'Nique. EXHIBIT: EVERYTHING.

These two celebrity couples aren’t super close friends in public, but it’s clear that they know each other. Everyone knows that the male half of Couple A used to work with the female half of Couple B over a period of time. Yes, we know, there were rumors flying around at the time that those two were involved in an off-screen fling. Although it was good publicity for the project, it’s not true. But there was something more insidious going on behind the scenes. Something that didn’t make the tabloids.

It turns out the female half of Couple A and the male half of Couple B were both so distraught over the rumors that their mates were cheating on them that they wound up spending a lot of time comforting each other. The comforting became so frequent and so physical that it resulted in a pregnancy. Now Couple A raising a child that is only half theirs. Fortunately for them, the child looks more like the Couple A mother than the Couple B father, but those in the know can definitely see the Couple B father in the facial features. One additional hint: all of the people involved have been actors at some point. (Blind Gossip)

You're going to need to whip out your monocle for this one. My first thought was Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford? After I punched myself in the head as punishment, I came up with these two guesses: Jerry O'Connell and Jill Hennessy? Or David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson? This one is a master class blind item. It's hard.

The loneliest woman in the world is looking totally miserable in Mexico. Once again, Maddox made me write that. - Egotastic!

Just like her daddy, Suri Cruise is not taking off her kitten heels anytime soon - Popsugar

Carrie Prejean WHO? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Hayden Panatroll or a middle-aged divorcee who is trying to sex up her look with bangs? - Hollywood Tuna

Why is David Beckham's old hair hanging off of Posh's bag? - Just Jared

According to John Mayer, you really haven't danced unless you've busted a move around a bunch of sweaty shirtless dudes with peen-hongray eyes. I agree. - Towleroad

Prank you very much - Cityrag

The only interesting thing about Reese Witherspoon - Hollywood Rag

Rosie O'Donnell and her wife Kelli stopped scissoring years ago - Celebitchy

Chloe Sevigny demonstrates how you ho up an outfit in one easy step - ICYDK

Is this an invitation, Kanye? - Holy Moly!

But will Daniel Craig give you the ring off his cock? - Socialite Life

Sarah Jessica Parker's return to television! - SOW

The exact moment that Jenna Elfman's son realized his name is Story - I'm Not Obsessed

Gerard Butler gave his Sunday hooker the night off, and decided to take his mother to the premiere of Law Abiding Citizen in Glasgow last night. Gerry also made it extra special by slipping on a sexy kilt.

You know, if Megan Fox or Betty White was wearing that kilt, every pap on the carpet would be trying to get an upskirt shot. Seriously, they would be on the floor snap snap snapping away. Why didn't they do this with Gerry Butler?! The thing is, Gerry would've embraced it. He would've gladly spread his legs and wiped the ass dust off his nuts. Hell, his peen hole lips would've even said "prune" for the cameras.

During a cold night recently, Detective La Toya made Janet Jackson a Hot Toddy, sat her down in a leather armchair in front of a roaring fire, and told her that she conducted a thorough investigation on their brother's death, which revealed that he was killed by the hands of Dr. Conrad Murray! A wolf howled, a bolt of lightning struck the night and the truth came crashing down on Janet. In that moment, Janet not only realized that La Toya is the second coming of Sherlock Holmes, but suddenly everything made sense.

In an interview with ABC News, Janet echoes La Toya's statement that Dr. Con killed their brother, "He was the one who was administering. I think he should be responsible." Janet believes that he should never be able to practice medicine again.

Dr. Con has admitted to administering the anesthetic propofol, but he seems to think that he didn't kill Michael.

Dr. Con just needs to give it up already. You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape Detective La Toya!

If Amy Wino doesn't visit THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) at least a few times a month, the staff starts to get a little worried that they might lose their jobs. Lucky for them, Wino dropped in last night after she had a bad reaction from mixing medications.

The Mirror reports that Wino got the ills after she mixed over-the-counter cough medication with some shit she was already taking. A source said, "Amy took over-the-counter stuff for a cold but it didn't agree with medication she takes for her on-going recovery. A doctor came to the house and advised her to go the hospital to make sure she was all right. She was due to stay the night."

You would think that Wino's body is already used to every kind of drug in all combinations, so something in the milk ain't clean about this. It's not like she swallowed a vitamin or licked a clean piece of lettuce. My guess is that Wino is really in the hospital to get a fix of her latest addiction: plastic surgery. Don't widen your eyes if you see Wino strolling out of there with a new ass like a Care Bear or a nose like a Jackson.

Here's Wino trolling around London on Saturday night, just a few hours before she checked into the hospital.