Paris Wants A Big Pussy

Wonky McValtrex was recently in South Africa with Benji Madden and had the locals laughing at her ass, because she wanted to know how much a cheetah cost.

A source told Gatecrasher, "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

Here is the answer to the cheetah question, "Paris, a cheetah will never run away from you as long as you sleep with it every single night. You also must douse yourself in cow blood before going to bed with it. You know how some puppies love to sleep with a wind up clock, because it reminds them of their mother's heart? Well, cow blood reminds cheetahs of their mother. If they start to bite at you a little bit, let them do it. They are only playing and showing how much they love you. Don't call for help, because then you will get them deported. You don't want that."