While I was downloading these pictures of Natasha "Dog Molester" Lyonne and Rosie O'Donnell at some event in NYC last night, my internet crashed and my cable TV went out. I should take that as a sign and not hit the publish button on this post, but then you'd never get to enjoy these beautiful pictures of these two deep fried donut balls.

Yes, I know Natasha is looking a little dough-ey in the face, but it's probably just rehab bloat. It happens. Or maybe Natasha instantly gained weight after munching on Rosie's sun dried tomato muffin. Let's just spare ourselves and go with the former.

If this picture of Anthony Michael Hall is making you want to round up all the scissors in the house and hide under the bed, then imagine staring at his scary face after he knocked down your apartment door in the early morning hours.

Page Six says that AMH's ex-girlfriend, Sirius Radio host Diana Falzone, was granted a temporary restraining order against him after he allegedly busted her in the head last week. In the police report, Diana says AMH tried to break her apartment door down by kicking it in. When Diana agreed to let him in, he bashed her head against the wall. Diana told police that they had dated for about a year, but were no longer together.

AMH suffers from bi-polar disorder, and has been known to freak out when he's not on his meds. A few years ago, AMH had a psychotic meltdown on the set of Dead Zone and he was hospitalized for a day. He was sued by the show's insurance company for not disclosing that his bi-polar condition.

A spokeswhore for AMH denies the allegations that he got violent with Diana, "All of the allegations are erroneous and will be addressed accordingly."

You think you know someone after watching them play an adorable nerd in and Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Weird Science. And then they go off and do something like this!

Everyone knows that LiLo would empty a donation basket in her purse at Sunday mass, so I don't know why bitches keep inviting her to events at their stores. That's just asking to be cleaned out.

Pop Tarts says that when LiLo was paid to attend the launch of Jermaine Dupri and jewelry designer Pascal Mouawad's watch line at Kitson, she wanted a whole lot more than just a complimentary glass of champagne. Apparently, Pascal already promised her ass $500 worth of Kitson merchandise. When she complained that it wasn't enough, he upped it to $1,000.

After Hurricane Crackhead blew through the store and grabbed a bunch of shit, her bill came to almost $15,000. LiLo simply said that Pascal would cover the entire amount, because she was the only celebrity who attended his event. A source added, “Pascal said no, so she went and started talking smack about him to Jermaine Dupri who doesn’t even know her. He was totally bewildered and couldn’t believe it. Eventually Pascal said she could have $2000 to spend but that was the absolutely limit.”

When Pascal refused to cover the full bill, LiLo told one of the Kitson employees that they should give her the rest of the shit for free, because she's always been a loyal customer. She promised she would let the paparazzi take pictures of her holding Kitson bags.

In the end, LiLo was told "NO," because the employees couldn't get a hold of the owner of Kitson. She stormed out with her $2,000 worth of crap.

Hey, LiLo went from $500 to $2,000, so not all was lost. The next time I go to Tijuana (the home of wheeling and dealing), I'm taking this wreck with me. She can probably get a child to give up his box of chiclas and empty out his pockets to her. Bitch is a RUTHLESS bargainer.

And imagine her bargaining with her dealer? "If you give me this 8-ball for free, I promise to be photographed looking like a total gutter troll. I'm promoting your product!"

Why would I not be surprised if Joe Jackson was caught on Michael Jackson's coffin trying to rip the diamond fillings (you know he had some) out of his teeth? Joe was already shut down by a judge after he tried to get a piece of MJ's estate. But Joe is trying to show the judge who the real pimp is, because he's challenging the court's decision.

TMZ reports that Joe filed papers echoing Randy Jackson's claims that someone forged MJ's signature on his last will. Joe also wants the judge to replace the current executors of MJ's estate.

Obviously, Joe Jackson is just pulling this evil shit, because he wants Satan to give up his title as the ruler of Hell to him. Joe wouldn't have shame if it crawled up his dick hole and took a nap. Joe's pimp hand always gets the last smack!

A river of popped cherry juice and panty pudding flowed through the streets of Westwood, CA last night during the New Moon premiere. If you live in the area, you might have been wondering why your cats were howling and your dogs were meowing. Well, now you know.

You know what bothers me about kids today? They have no RESPECT for the English language. For instance, look at how that girl in the picture above completely butchered a gorgeous curse word. How do we expect our youth to be the leaders of tomorrow if they can't even curse right? I mean, what the hell is a SHIZNIT? That sounds like something you'd find on the tip of a dick after messy butt sex.

Anyway, here's some pictures from last night's premiere. Some hos were obviously only there for the free photo-op. They are: Shar Jackson, Mary Murphy, 50 Cent, Richie Sambora (with his daughter) and JLove with that Jamie Kennedy dude.

Also at the premiere were Joan Jett (to hold Kristen Stewart's "hand"), one of the wolfies, that hot piece from Glee, the Glee kids, Stephanie Meyer (the bitch responsible for all of this), a homeless man in a fancy suit, Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner.

While you're sitting in your cubicle today and praying to the gods for a permanently hard dick and/or a fully packed bong to fall in your lap, say an extra prayer for Charo. Charo is BROKEN! Seeing Charo limp through Beverly Hills yesterday makes me want to slap a Gopher!

This means that Charo can't fully thrust her crotch bone and flex her chesticles. Sad. If Charo can't coochie coochie coo, your own coochie isn't going to even bother getting out of bed anymore. And if your coochie stops coo-ing, what's the point of anything?

If Derek Blanks shot an Alter Ego-inspired commercial for Nerf, it would look just like Beyonce and Lady CaCa's "Video Phone" video. And it's not a coincidence that at the beginning of this shit Beyonce looks like NeNe Leakes channeling her inner Alien Princess RiRi.

The wig stores are going to be working overtime this week, because the Glittery Gays of YouTube will be storming their shops to buy up their entire inventory in order to recreate this mess. Beyonce used all of the wigs (i.e. homegirl Bettie Paige, Double Trouble, etc...) in her archive!

And now I know why Lady CaCa (aka Zombie Donatella Versace) always runs around wearing bird cages on her face and half of Michael's craft department on her head. But I will give it up for her tuck game. Bitch finally shoved her junk between her ass cheeks and commanded it to stay. Well done!

The redesigned Ed Hardy fashion line, keeping the essence of its clientele in mind. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

Rumor has it, Michelle accidentally bumped into Jim Bob in the checkout line of a Best Buy and #20 was conceived. - vermonster

First known case of the Dick Flu. - Not_That_Steph_The_Other_Steph

Not to be outdone by Playgirl's Levi Johnston issue, Playboy releases a sneak peek at their Aretha Franklin and Lady Caca spread. - ndawgg

via Picture is Unrelated (Thanks Jackie)

Linda Purl- Linda is best known for playing Matlock's daughter Charlene in the first season of Matlock. But Linda also has a zillion other credits to her legendary name! Linda not only played Foznie's girlfriend on Happy Days, but she was also Richie's part-time lover during season 2. Linda was the tramp of Milwaukee!

Most recently, Linda played Pam's mother on The Office. AND she was married to Desi Arnaz Jr. for a quick minute. The woman has done it all!

RuPaul (49)
Sarah Harding (28)
Isaac Hanson (29)
Rachel McAdams (31)
Zoe Bell (31)
Leslie Bibb (35)
Kimya Dawson (37)
Daisy Fuentes (43)
Sophie Marceau (43)
Jonathan Ross (49)
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (51)
Roland Joffe (64)
Lorne Michaels (65)
Danny DeVito (65)
Lauren Hutton (66)
Martin Scorsese (67)
Gordon Lightfoot (71)