At Mel Gibson's Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA, he is God, Jesus and all of the saints rolled into one. What Mel says goes. That means Mel gets to pick and choose who sits next to his drunk ass in the pews.

Radar Online reports that Mel is making all new parishioners fill out an application and go through a security check before he offers you an invitation to join his church. Apparently, Mel is paranoid about hos blabbing about his holy ramblings to the media.

The one-page application states that it "must be accepted by security in order to gain admittance" and that it's "not open for negotiation by guests/attendees." It also adds that membership can be revoked at any time for any reason.

You know, I kind of understand why Mel is pulling this fuckery. It's a privilege to "pray" with Mel. His church is probably a non-stop party and who doesn't get tingly for a party? The holy water is spiked with top-shelf vodka, the communion wafers have been soaked in rum, and Jesus' blood comes in your choice of white, red or sparkling wine.

And the seventh commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," has been replaced with, "Thou Shalt Party With Your Peen Out." So I totally see where Mel is coming from.

The Butterfarty Rainbow Hello Kitty Princess agreed to turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield Mall in London, but she had a list of demands that made the organizers throw her a "How old are you again?" side-eye. Mimi's list included everything that a 6-year-old girl requests for her birthday party.

Basically, Mimi wanted them to Cornify her in real-life. Mimi's demands included:

20 white fluffy kittens
100 white doves to be released into the sky upon her entrance
Pink butterfly-shaped confetti to fall on her upon her entrance
A pink carpet instead of a red one
A Rolls Royce to drive her to the mall
80 security guards
A magical wand

Why couldn't she just use the magical wand that is stuck up her Hello Shitty? Anyway, the organizers managed to get a hold of everything but the white fluffy kittens. In the end, they were told that bringing kittens into the mall would not be possible due to health reasons. The mall said, "We do not allow pets into Westfield - that rule would apply for everyone." I guess that means Nick Cannon has to stay at home too.

If the organizers really want to make Mimi's soul explode, they would go above and beyond by getting her the elusive UNICORN CAT!!!!

It's well known that unicorn cats queef out white doves AND butterfly-shaped confetti, so the organizers would get everything in one.

UsWeekly is saying that Ceiling Eyes has bagged another hot piece. According to their asses, Ceiling Eyes is now looking up to Mark Salling (aka Puck the MILF lover from Glee).

Some hos spotted Ceiling Eyes and Puck getting close at Voyeur in Los Angeles last Thursday. The two spent 45-minutes talking into each other's ears and laughing about how she can never see her own toes. Ceiling Eyes and Puck left in separate cars, but apparently followed each other to continue the fun and games elsewhere.

Just add Puck to Ceiling Eyes' long list of prime dick including: Chris Pine, Corey Bohan (no relation to Blohan) and that Justin Bobby douche.

What the hell is the secret to Ceiling Eyes fuckcess? Maybe dudes are charmed by her permanent case of "dick sucking" eyes? Or maybe she just has a really good publicist. Yeah, my nipples are pointing to the latter.

Sienna Miller might have a new partner in homewrecking. That's if you believe Star Magazine. They claim that Fantasia has used her feminine wiles to lure a very married father of two into her pussay's clutches. Just because Fanny's own home almost got foreclosed on, doesn't mean she should go and snatch someone else's. But I guess we can't choose who our fuck parts want to cling to. We just have to go with it.

Apparently, everyone in Charlotte, North Carolina is queefing about how 30-year-old college football player Antwaun Cook pink-slipped his teacher wife and his two young children (ages 1 and 4) so that he could fuck on Fantasia full-time.

Fanny and Antwaun met back in August while he was working at a T-Mobile store. Their genitals instantly started humming for each other while talking about pre-paid phones. A weeks after they met, Antwaun left his family and moved into Fanny's mansion. A source added, “I’m not going to deny that the word ‘homewrecker’ is floating around."

The source also said that Fanny's got so bad for Antwaun that she even had his last name tattooed on her shoulder, “She got it to honor her man!"

Well, if Fanny's fairytale romance with Antwaun ever ends she can easily turn that tattoo from "Cook" to "COCK." And really, we all wish we could go through life with a giant cock on our shoulder.

And those of you screaming that Fanny can't even read her own tattoo need to stop! You might just be right, but who cares. Who needs to be hooked on phonics when you can be hooked on cock!

Earlier this week, the newly refurbished Amy Wino checked herself into the clinic, because she had a strange reaction to some over-the-counter cold medication she was taking. According to her daddy, Wino didn't have a leaky nose, bitch just had another leaky boob in her life (the other being her father).

While filming his new TV show (don't get any ideas, Michael Lohan), Mitch Wino set the record straight about why Wino was laid up in the hospital, "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little (Mitch points to his chest) leaky something or other."

Wino's titty wasn't leaking, it was crying tears of pain due to Mitch Wino always staring them down while playing with something in his pocket. My nipple is crying just thinking about it. Or maybe I just had too much soy milk with my rum last night.

One of Wino's friends told The Mirror that her crack ball did indeed CRACK, "She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."

Um. Wino has already been declared a toxic zone by the Department of Health, so if strange substances weren't oozing out of Wino's pores, THAT be cause for concern.

And I'm surprised Wino was worried at all. I would think she would just scrape up the silicone jizz, throw it on a spoon, take a lighter to it and smoke it up.

via The Sun

They were once homeless and abandoned, but Joan Rivers' face scraps pulled themselves together and got a job at the diner. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

How to make your Muslim roommate keep his damn hands off your peanut-butter. - TexnDoc

Bartender! I'd like to buy another rind! - suze

RazorbackBucks: Every order comes with complimentary defibrillator. - loozer

via Digg

Eric Steward, the Australian pepaw who went out to pick up the morning paper at the local store, but ended up taking a wrong turn which led him 400 miles the wrong way.

81-year-old Eric was visiting friends with his wife when he took off at 7:30 Monday morning to get the newspaper. Pepaw Eric took a wrong turn onto the highway and drove nearly 400 miles for a total of 9 hours before he decided that he should probably ask for some help. Eric finally asked a police officer for some directions back home. By this time, Eric's wife had already called the police and reported his old ass missing! The police officer simply showed Eric the right way and he was reunited with his wife 9 hours later.

Eric told the Australian media, "I just went out on the road to have a drive, a nice peaceful quiet drive. I didn't know where I was going but I knew it was somewhere, and with a bit of luck I would eventually find my wife again. When you get to 80 and beyond it doesn't matter much. He's out there waiting for us and you just got to wait your turn." And when a reporter said he should get a GPS, Eric snapped back, "Why would you want one of those? You can't get lost. There is no fun in that."

400 miles in 9 hours?! Was Eric driving a shopping cart with rusty wheels? Well, at least he wasn't speeding.

And I know how Pepaw Eric feels since my brain is constantly going 400 miles in the wrong direction.

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Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.

Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."

See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.

via Vulture

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."

When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.