Balloons trickling out of asses, rhinestones on crotches and giant gold angel wings... No, I'm not describing a Glamberace/Gayken/Tommy Girl threesome - Popoholic

And she's got her chichis out: The Miranda Kerr Edition - Egotastic!

Unfortunately, Miranda's boyfriend doesn't have his chichis out here - Popsugar

Askars is excited to get nekkid for True Blood. But not as excited as the millions of genitals who have been waiting for it - Just Jared

Why the hell does Squinty need sunglasses anyway? - Lainey Gossip

Dorota, come get this girl! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Fergie flaunts her tuck game - Hollywood Tuna

RiRi the Size Queen might want to ring up Wilmer Valderrama - Cityrag

LiLo's newest "direct to the discount bin" movie - Hollywood Rag

Glamberace's gay fight with Out Magazine continues - Towleroad

Kim Kardashian is full of shit - I'm Not Obsessed

Dawson's marriage is done - Popeater

A fluffy pussy who cums butterfly-shaped confetti turned the Christmas lights on at some mall in England. Take that, Mimi! - Holy Moly!

Tina Fey needs her own talk show that plays 24-hours a day, 7 days a week - Celebitchy

Brad Pitt to fill a Dark Void. No, this isn't a story about him reuniting with Aniston - Socialite Life

The Saved By The Bell reunion is off - ICYDK

At a Mighty Ducks game in Anaheim last night, player Scott Niedermayer caused a brawl when he gave a fan his hockey stick. No, "hockey stick" is not one of my dumb metaphors for a dick. Dude gave the fan his actual hockey stick.

You would think that the stick was covered with Levi Johnston's cock cream by the way that blonde bitch is throwing fists over it. This is what it looks like when the Lohan family fights over the last Adderall pill.

That being said, hockey games look fun.

via Deadspin

As expected, The Mighty O announced this morning that until she comes back to our TV screens we will have to find another show to tell us what books to read if we want to keep our American citizenship. And I mean that. The FBI will knock on your door if they find out you're not a student of The University of O. Anyway.....

Oprah got teary when she told her studio audience and the world, "So here we are, halfway through Season 24 and it still means as much to me to spend an hour with you as it did back in 1986. So why walk away and make next season the last? Here is the real reason. I love this show. This show has been my life. And I love it enough to know when it's time to say goodbye. Twenty-five years feels right in my bones and feels right in my spirit. It's the perfect number. The exact right time. So I hope that you will take this 18-month ride with me, right through to the final show."

Oprah hasn't officially said what she's going to do once her show goes off the air in 2011, but Deadline's Nikki Finke claims that she's already making plans. Apparently, Oprah is packing up Gayelle King and shuffling off to California to begin working on another show she's going to do on her OWN (that's really the name) cable network.

A source said that Oprah is in the process of choosing which Chicago staff members she's going to take to California. She's not going to take everyone since her new show is going to be "more intimate." Oprah was also overheard telling one of her employees, "Why would anybody stay in Chicago? It's freezing here, and I have a mansion in Montecito that I haven't been able to enjoy."

To which the citizens of Montecito said (as they hitchhiked out of town), "Why would anybody stay in Montecito now that Oprah is here full-time?"

If your dick doesn't make a vagina call 911 upon first sight, then RiRi isn't even trying to fuck with you. In a new interview with German magazine Bravo (via Post Chronicle), RiRi said that your peen must be a certain height in order to ride her ride.

RiRi explained, "He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean? The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn't make it fun. Right now I don't want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun. I love flirting at the moment. I'm single and I'm enjoying my freedom. But I don´t give my phone number out that often. But if I'm dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom."

RiRi's last boyfriend turned out to be a fat pussy, so it makes sense that she's on the prowl for a wang in size: TOMMY LEE.

In a perfect world, we'd all love a cock that can split a Magnum condom in two, but big whores can't be choosers. I try to pretend like I have standards (HA!), but throw a micro mini peen in front of me and I'll probably shrug while saying, "Sure, why not?"

Celine Dion once said this about shoes: "When a salesperson askes me what size I need, I answer 'No, what size do you have?'" The same goes for peen. Where there's a dick, there's a way.

Remember that clip of Zachary Quinto getting creamed on like Gay Al Reynolds at breakfast time? How could your loins forget? Well, Zachary's Heroes' co-star, Hayden Panatroll, has taken his place under the bukkake faucet for another video from artist Tyler Shields. Although, it looks like this is self-bukkake since most of the stuff is coming from Hayden's coochie geyser. The troll is a squirter. Now you know.

And if you plan on seeing New Moon this weekend, you will most likely witness dozens of Twitards re-reacting this video as soon as the opening credits roll. Make sure to wear a slicker.

via The Life Files

Miley Cyrus' 17th birthday isn't until Monday, but for some reason she threw herself an 80s-themed party on Wednesday night in NYC. Miley apparently dressed up in Julia Roberts' hooker ensemble from Pretty Women. The rest of the family also joined in on the fun. Billy Ray went as Edward, Noah Cyrus went as Kit De Luca, and Trace Cyrus dressed up as the horse Vivian meets at the polo game. No, only Miley dressed up.

Page Six says that rape-eyed Constantine Mouralis performed a few numbers from Rock of Ages for Miley. A source said, "Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I'm not sure who was more into Constantine -- Miley or her mother." Where's the option for "all of the above"?

While it seems about right that Miley would dress up as a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute, are we sure that she wasn't just wearing her regular clothes? I mean, even Julia Roberts' ho outfit is pretty conservative for Miley. CASE IN POINT:

Billy Ray, you are excused!

This is JLo's new single. And it's called "Louboutins" (pronounced "Looweebatons" in JLo-talk). I understand if the song title alone makes you want to shut down this browser window, open up your iTunes and punch it really really hard. I understand. Because once you realize this song is not a Digital Short from Saturday Night Live, you really won't be laughing.

This shit may be called "Looweebatons," but it sounds more like a shit-stained Payless pump lying in the gutter all alone after a homeless crackhead hooker lost it there while she was running from the police.

via ONTD

In case you're just joining us, you should know that Aerosmith is a wreck. And if you ask the band, most of them will say that the thorn in all of their colostomy bags is Steven Tyler (aka Motherfucker, The Rainbow).

Joe Perry already said that Aerosmith plans to go on with the show without Steven Tyler. But last week, Steven crashed one of Joe's concert and declared that he wasn't going anywhere. Well, Joe and the rest of the pepaws think Steven should go far away. Preferably to a little place where they make you talk about your emotions while drinking black coffee. Basically, they think he needs rehab.

Joey Kramer, the band's drummer, told People, "I think that he needs help and that attention needs to be put to his health. He's got some bad influences in his life right now and he's making poor choices." Joey hinted that he thinks Steven is on that narcotic again.

Aerosmith's guitarist Brad Whitford added, "His behavior is spinning out of control. I don't know where he is and what he's doing."

Steven's spokeswhore said that they don't need to worry about The Rainbow! He's simply taking some time off from the band to record his solo album, work on a book and smoke up a lot of heroin. I made that last part up! The Rainbow claims he's as sober as a baby bunny. Actually, I don't know how sober baby bunnies are. Those bitches are always winking and jumping around like a crackhead at midnight. They got that junkie twitch. Hmm...I wonder what's in their food? Now I know what I'm going to put in my bong this weekend.

Personally, I think Steven is just one of those natural crackheads. You know, those hos who act strung out, but aren't. They are primarily known as "Born-Again Christians."

But the pepaws of Aerosmith know Steven better than we do, so if they think he needs to marinate in the tank for a few, then I'll take their word for it. However, they shouldn't even entertain the idea of replacing Steven! THE RAINBOW is Aerosmith.

Not many women can be motorboated bow and stern. - loozer

Runners-up:

Congratulations to this year's winner of the World's Most Stressed Out String contest. 1st Runner Up: Coco's pink bikini. - LizzieBitch

The elusive fifth base. - freebird

Not content with being fat all by herself, Mariah Carey decided to start overfeeding her pet butterfly. - Ashton Cruz

via People of Walmart (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

Genevieve Goings, the hip-hop train conductor on Disney's Choo Choo Soul.

I don't wear Pull-Ups (usually) or eat my own boogers as an afternoon snack (not on a regular basis, anyway), so I've never heard of Choo Choo Soul before. But when I saw a picture of Genevieve Goings, my eyelashes started sweating and all I could see is twinkly stars floating off of her perfect eyebrows. Yes, it's always the eyebrows. I'm really that easy.

Besides being blessed with a pair of stunning eye valances, Genevieve also knows how to bust moves while on a moving train. Okay, the train isn't real, but let's not be too picky now. Clip beeeeelow:

(For Lorna)