Amy Wino is returning to the bad shit. And I'm not talking about the kind of stuff that makes a drug-sniffing dog get lipstick. I'm talking about Blaaaaaaake's scab-covered peen! Although, I'm sure a drug-sniffing dog might bust out the Maybelline for Blaaaaake's...... Okay, okay, I see the line...and I can hear your dry heaves.

So, The News of The World is saying that Wino and Blaaaaaaake will make every drug dealer's dreams come true by getting married for a second time. Wino and Blaaaake realized getting a divorce was a major mistake. One of Blaaaake's friends claim that he told them, "We both know we've only ever been divorced on paper. This is the right thing to do. We've been talking on the phone five or six times a day. We'd changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy."

The methadone clinic version of Romeo & Juliet will be husband and wife again this February. Blaaaaake also claims that he's keeping his war zone genitals to himself until he's back with Wino.

Wino's head can't be without its crackhive, her feet can't be without her gutter-soaked ballet slippers, so it makes sense that her vagina can't be without Blaaaaake's crack pipe peen.

Dr. Drew really needs to have a long talk with Wino's snatch to figure out why the hell it just can't stop smoking on Blaaaaake's dick.

Look at this adorable puppy. Don't you just want to have him surgically attached to your heart so that he never ever leaves you? Well, his owner, Kate Beckinsale, doesn't feel the same way, because she left him in her car for hours while she went to get her hair done. That's what the paps claim anyway.

They say that while Kate was inside the Byron Tracy Salon in L.A., her dog sat in the car with all the windows up and without water. Kate must have learned that trick from reading "How to Care For Your New Puppy by Michael Vick (with foreword by Cruella de Vil)".

If this is true, then why would bitches just standing around while the puppy baked in the damn sun?! All they would have to do is scream, "PUPPEH ABUZE," and Annemarie Lucas from Animal Precinct would've parachuted in to take care of this situation. Annemarie would've yanked Kate out of the salon, threw her into the car and forced her to stay in there while her puppy enjoyed a loooooooong day of beauty inside the salon.

Katie Price (seen here trying to stop her brain from escaping out of her mouth) has quit I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here after she was nominated to compete in a challenge for the 7th time in a row! I guess the people of Britain just can't get enough of seeing her swallow snail jizz during challenges. Sucio bitches.

Before Katie stormed out of the jungle, she begged the voting public not to force her to compete again. Katie already had to chew on fried flies and said she couldn't do it anymore. Well, ask and you shall not receive!

Once Katie was told that she would have to eat nasty shit again, she told the producers that she wanted out. According to The Sun, Katie told them, "I can't do another trial. I'm walking. There's only so much c*** one person can take. The way I've been treated on the show by the viewers, you'd think I was the most hated woman in Britain."

If that censored word was on Wheel of Fortune, I'd guess that it was "crap" and not "cock." Because the sentence "There's only so much cock one person can take" could never roll off of Katie's cock-stained tongue. It's impossible.

And the cloud of delusion that is fogging up Katie's eyes might make it hard for her to see the pitchfork-wielding mob camped outside of her house at all times. A lot of people in Britain would rather nibble on Jodie Marsh's cooch crumpet than share two words with Katie Price.

If Katie really wanted to win over the voting public, she should've skipped into the jungle with Harvey Price on her shoulders. Because if you vote against Harvey, a kitten suffers a coronary.

If a high school drama teacher (who works as a dominatrix on the weekends) directed Frankenstein in a musical homage to Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted Snake video and Showgirls, it might look a little like Glamberace's performance on the AMAs last night. Glamberace worked overtime to make sure Middle-America covered their children's eyes with bibles while watching his orgy extravaganza.

You know, I'm all for doing slut shit on prime time TV, but this mess was way too staged. Glamberace was like a hooker giving a handjob to an obese man who smells like cold brisket and algae. He was just going through the motions. It's like he was thinking, "Okay, now I have to dry face fuck this dude wearing Tommy Girl's favorite weekend outfit. Okay, now I have to slide over here and pull this chick's crotch belt. Okay, now I'm going to violently make out with this SamRo-type. Okay, now I'm going to try to outdo JLo's tumble...." Glamberace's peen was probably asleep the entire time.

I mean, that kiss was as erotic as a Snuggie. It looked like a gorilla sucking food out of another gorilla's mouth.

And I really knew his performance wasn't going well, when my dog lit a fire under my smoke detector so that the blaring sound of the alarm could drown out Glamberace's "hyena getting DPed" screeches. Judge for yourself:

Tracy Morgan was so broke after his ex-wife cleaned him out, he consulted the Federline manual for making a quick fortune and went straight to work. - atterlym

Runners-up:

After making the first recipe in the new book "Cooking with Coolio" I suspect he drew inspiration from Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's "Semi-Homeade" cooking - sarabod

OrangeTip4u: Rejected by e-Harmony - RecessVillain

In another Hennessy moment, Kanye interrupts Britney to fuck her snack food. - jazzfish_77

(Thanks Lauren)

b4-4, a Canadian boy band made up of twin brothers Ryan and Dan Kowarsky and their friend Ohad Einbinder.

b4-4 (stands for "bottoms for $4CAN") looks like something 1991 accidentally farted out when it "gambled and lost," but they weren't formed until 1999! They had a few minor hits and were even nominated for a Juno award. But b4-4 were much more than just a trio of musical geniuses, they were also a trio of glamorous GODS! I mean, tell me all your parts aren't humming for these three.

They are perfect from their glistening skin (in shade: White Oprah's asshole) to their "electrocuted hedgehog who got doused with bleach cream" hair to their perfectly manicured manbrows to their totally awesome puka shell chokers (with matching cock rings, I'm sure). You cannot resist.

It's only Monday, so try to contain yourself while watching their video below. It's like Hot Chicks with Douchebags: THE MUSICAL SPECTACULAR!

(For Chloe)

Maxwell Caulfield (50)
Miley Cyrus (17)
Lucas Grabeel (25)
Kelly Brook (30)
Oded Fehr (39)
Vincent Cassel (43)
Harolyn Blackwell (54)
Bruce Hornsby (55)
B.J. Crosby (57)
Bruce Vilanch (61)
Joe Eszterhas (65)
Robert Towne (75)

If you are in CA, you might have been wondering why that glass of straight-up vodka (I know how you do it) on your table vibrated Jurassic Park-style for a few seconds. Well, it wasn't from a gigantic T-Rex running through your front yard. It was JLo's big ass hitting the stage at the American Music Awards tonight. Yes, bitch went BOOM! JLo's Louboutins threw her off!

During her performance of that "Looweebatons" song, Skeletor's bone polisher busted her ass when she jumped off one of her dancer's back. JLo managed to pick her ass back up, but you know bitches will lose their jobs, health insurance, 401ks, loved ones and worldly possessions over this shit! That stage will be removed from the theater by tomorrow, those sneakers are already a pile of ashes and her dancer will only be able to get a job as a bus boy at Chili's. Everyone will pay for this!

And thanks to the boxing theme, the chorus of shirtless dudes and the massive amounts of sparkle, JLo's performance is the gayest of the night....so far (Glamberace is waiting in the wings). My no-no thanks her.

P.S. - For those of you who don't want to torture yourself by watching the whole thing, JLo's ass hitting the stage is at the 2:40 mark.

For those of you hoping that La Pequena triumphantly returns to us by performing at tonight's American Music Awards (on ABC at 8 o'clock or so) might have to settle for Lady CaCa's hermie peen popping out of her chonies and winking at us.

Speaking of Lady CaCa, dude's nuts are going to explode when she sees that Bobby Trendy has been diving into her dumpster. Sorry for that visual.

Above is Bobby Trendy at the AMAs tonight proving that Lady CaCa isn't the only one who can look like a tranny dominatrix and a child beauty pageant loser barfed on her simultaneously. It's as if a Z Gallerie outlet dropped on Catwoman's head.

And since nooooooooo award show can go on without the world's best seat filler, Phoebe Price is there to make sure every seat stays as warm as a fresh fart. And Kim Zolciak is not going to be happy when she sees that Chicken Cutlets is using one of her best wigs as a shrug.

Amy Wino is not content with her Richard Heene-approved titty balls and matching lips, because she's about to go under the knife again. No, Wino is not going to get those rumored ass implants just yet. Apparently, Wino wants to get her nose rotated and lifted first.

One of Wino's friends has told The Mirror that she's already booked her nose job for January. Everyone is trying to tell not to mess with her nose, but Wino isn't hearing it. The friend said, “Amy’s become totally obsessed with surgery since her boob job. She wants her nose made smaller to fit with her small face as she hates the fact her nose is so big and she doesn’t like the shape. Amy says she can barely look in the mirror at the moment as she hates it so much. She’s booked in for January but is pushing to get it done sooner. Her family are dead-set against it and her brother has gone mad at her saying it will ruin her whole look and she will become unrecognisable. They’re trying to talk her out of it but Amy’s having none of it.”

Um. Maybe if Wino washes off those caca splatters from her nose and steps away from the brown Sharpie, she'll like her schnoz a whole lot more. Because once the doctor slices into her nose, there is no going back! I mean, the inside of her nose probably looks like the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's purse. There's a meth lab in the left nostril and a cocaine plantation in the right. And her nose cartilage busted out of there a long time ago. Wino's nose is being held up by a couple of toothpicks. It's best that she just leaves that wreck in peace!

And when Mitch Wino was asked about his daughter possibly getting a nose job, he answered, "Nose? What nose? Have you gotten a look at her tits?!" Okay, Mitch Wino didn't say that, but you know he thought that.