A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.

It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.

When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.

Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.

The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.

The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."

Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.

Sources: Fox News and TSG

Whenever the winner is announced at a beauty pageant, the losers always stand there with a processed smile on their face and freshly glazed eyes. They clap because they are programmed to, but deep inside their brains they are fantasizing about ripping the winning whore's head off with their bare teeth. They never go through with it. But thankfully, a losing drag queen at the Miss Brazil Gay 2009 pageant had the balls (literally) to do it. No, she didn't rip off the queen's head, but she did something even better - she snatched off her crown AND wig in one swoop. Dear Sheree, takes notes immediately.

This hot bitch is making wig snatching look like an Olympic Sport. I just want a grab a big piece of paper, draw a giant 10 on it and hold it up! This is pure poetry in motion. That wig snatching tranny proved that she was the real queen with her perfect form and magnificent cuntface.

So every queen in Brazil needs to watch out. Whenever you see Miss Wig Snatcher 2009 (and beyond) stomping by, hold your shit down with both hands. THE ONE: She isn't it!

(Thanks to Kelly!)

At Mel Gibson's Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA, he is God, Jesus and all of the saints rolled into one. What Mel says goes. That means Mel gets to pick and choose who sits next to his drunk ass in the pews.

Radar Online reports that Mel is making all new parishioners fill out an application and go through a security check before he offers you an invitation to join his church. Apparently, Mel is paranoid about hos blabbing about his holy ramblings to the media.

The one-page application states that it "must be accepted by security in order to gain admittance" and that it's "not open for negotiation by guests/attendees." It also adds that membership can be revoked at any time for any reason.

You know, I kind of understand why Mel is pulling this fuckery. It's a privilege to "pray" with Mel. His church is probably a non-stop party and who doesn't get tingly for a party? The holy water is spiked with top-shelf vodka, the communion wafers have been soaked in rum, and Jesus' blood comes in your choice of white, red or sparkling wine.

And the seventh commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," has been replaced with, "Thou Shalt Party With Your Peen Out." So I totally see where Mel is coming from.

The Butterfarty Rainbow Hello Kitty Princess agreed to turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield Mall in London, but she had a list of demands that made the organizers throw her a "How old are you again?" side-eye. Mimi's list included everything that a 6-year-old girl requests for her birthday party.

Basically, Mimi wanted them to Cornify her in real-life. Mimi's demands included:

20 white fluffy kittens
100 white doves to be released into the sky upon her entrance
Pink butterfly-shaped confetti to fall on her upon her entrance
A pink carpet instead of a red one
A Rolls Royce to drive her to the mall
80 security guards
A magical wand

Why couldn't she just use the magical wand that is stuck up her Hello Shitty? Anyway, the organizers managed to get a hold of everything but the white fluffy kittens. In the end, they were told that bringing kittens into the mall would not be possible due to health reasons. The mall said, "We do not allow pets into Westfield - that rule would apply for everyone." I guess that means Nick Cannon has to stay at home too.

If the organizers really want to make Mimi's soul explode, they would go above and beyond by getting her the elusive UNICORN CAT!!!!

It's well known that unicorn cats queef out white doves AND butterfly-shaped confetti, so the organizers would get everything in one.

UsWeekly is saying that Ceiling Eyes has bagged another hot piece. According to their asses, Ceiling Eyes is now looking up to Mark Salling (aka Puck the MILF lover from Glee).

Some hos spotted Ceiling Eyes and Puck getting close at Voyeur in Los Angeles last Thursday. The two spent 45-minutes talking into each other's ears and laughing about how she can never see her own toes. Ceiling Eyes and Puck left in separate cars, but apparently followed each other to continue the fun and games elsewhere.

Just add Puck to Ceiling Eyes' long list of prime dick including: Chris Pine, Corey Bohan (no relation to Blohan) and that Justin Bobby douche.

What the hell is the secret to Ceiling Eyes fuckcess? Maybe dudes are charmed by her permanent case of "dick sucking" eyes? Or maybe she just has a really good publicist. Yeah, my nipples are pointing to the latter.

Sienna Miller might have a new partner in homewrecking. That's if you believe Star Magazine. They claim that Fantasia has used her feminine wiles to lure a very married father of two into her pussay's clutches. Just because Fanny's own home almost got foreclosed on, doesn't mean she should go and snatch someone else's. But I guess we can't choose who our fuck parts want to cling to. We just have to go with it.

Apparently, everyone in Charlotte, North Carolina is queefing about how 30-year-old college football player Antwaun Cook pink-slipped his teacher wife and his two young children (ages 1 and 4) so that he could fuck on Fantasia full-time.

Fanny and Antwaun met back in August while he was working at a T-Mobile store. Their genitals instantly started humming for each other while talking about pre-paid phones. A weeks after they met, Antwaun left his family and moved into Fanny's mansion. A source added, “I’m not going to deny that the word ‘homewrecker’ is floating around."

The source also said that Fanny's got so bad for Antwaun that she even had his last name tattooed on her shoulder, “She got it to honor her man!"

Well, if Fanny's fairytale romance with Antwaun ever ends she can easily turn that tattoo from "Cook" to "COCK." And really, we all wish we could go through life with a giant cock on our shoulder.

And those of you screaming that Fanny can't even read her own tattoo need to stop! You might just be right, but who cares. Who needs to be hooked on phonics when you can be hooked on cock!

Earlier this week, the newly refurbished Amy Wino checked herself into the clinic, because she had a strange reaction to some over-the-counter cold medication she was taking. According to her daddy, Wino didn't have a leaky nose, bitch just had another leaky boob in her life (the other being her father).

While filming his new TV show (don't get any ideas, Michael Lohan), Mitch Wino set the record straight about why Wino was laid up in the hospital, "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little (Mitch points to his chest) leaky something or other."

Wino's titty wasn't leaking, it was crying tears of pain due to Mitch Wino always staring them down while playing with something in his pocket. My nipple is crying just thinking about it. Or maybe I just had too much soy milk with my rum last night.

One of Wino's friends told The Mirror that her crack ball did indeed CRACK, "She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."

Um. Wino has already been declared a toxic zone by the Department of Health, so if strange substances weren't oozing out of Wino's pores, THAT be cause for concern.

And I'm surprised Wino was worried at all. I would think she would just scrape up the silicone jizz, throw it on a spoon, take a lighter to it and smoke it up.

via The Sun

They were once homeless and abandoned, but Joan Rivers' face scraps pulled themselves together and got a job at the diner. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

How to make your Muslim roommate keep his damn hands off your peanut-butter. - TexnDoc

Bartender! I'd like to buy another rind! - suze

RazorbackBucks: Every order comes with complimentary defibrillator. - loozer

via Digg

Eric Steward, the Australian pepaw who went out to pick up the morning paper at the local store, but ended up taking a wrong turn which led him 400 miles the wrong way.

81-year-old Eric was visiting friends with his wife when he took off at 7:30 Monday morning to get the newspaper. Pepaw Eric took a wrong turn onto the highway and drove nearly 400 miles for a total of 9 hours before he decided that he should probably ask for some help. Eric finally asked a police officer for some directions back home. By this time, Eric's wife had already called the police and reported his old ass missing! The police officer simply showed Eric the right way and he was reunited with his wife 9 hours later.

Eric told the Australian media, "I just went out on the road to have a drive, a nice peaceful quiet drive. I didn't know where I was going but I knew it was somewhere, and with a bit of luck I would eventually find my wife again. When you get to 80 and beyond it doesn't matter much. He's out there waiting for us and you just got to wait your turn." And when a reporter said he should get a GPS, Eric snapped back, "Why would you want one of those? You can't get lost. There is no fun in that."

400 miles in 9 hours?! Was Eric driving a shopping cart with rusty wheels? Well, at least he wasn't speeding.

And I know how Pepaw Eric feels since my brain is constantly going 400 miles in the wrong direction.

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