Who sucked all the tranny make-up off of Xtina?! She obviously feels a little sad without all that grease on her face because she looks like a sad little tranny clown. MiserAlba has some competition!

Sad tranny Xtina makes me a little black and blue in the heart too. I miss my tranny clown and her face covered with enough make-up to paint the mugs of a dozen drag queens. It hurts to say that, but sometimes you just have to admit the truth.

The red lipstick needs to come back. This new shade makes her mouth look constipated. Maybe she's trying to tone it down because she wants to look like a loving mother. I hope it's just a phase.

Here's Xtina looking like a bag of month-old Easter candy with milky Max and Bat Boy at Heathrow Airport in London yesterday.

You know, I'm trying to see why Xtina keeps Bat Boy around. Don't say he has big peen, because you know he doesn't. He probably has a really hairy taquito dick. I bet there's ingrown hairs on the tip and his urethra flaps are abnormally large. When he pees, it shoots up like a fountain. Yeah, I know. My imagination knows no bounds when it comes to peen.

Travis Barker is slowly recovering from the plane crash that put him in the hospital and killed his two close friends. He took to his MySpace to thank the people close to him and the hospital staff for their support and hard work. He said he will undergo his 7th surgery on Monday. Travis can move all the fingers in his right hand and he started eating meat again because the doctors said he needs the protein. He said that seeing DJ AM after he was discharged is an inspiration. Travis also used this time to bitch slap Shanna Moakler. Aww, just like the old days!

The diss to Shanna has been removed from the MySpace main page for some reason, but is still on Travis' blog. He writes:

Despite any rumors you might have heard via my EX-wife Shanna Moakler, who I have not seen since the week I checked in, Ive been treated amazingly well, both here in LA and in Georgia. The hospitals Ive been treated at are THE BEST.

Travis must be feeling a lot better if he's dissing Shanna on MySpage. It's nice to see that some things never change. Hopefully, Shanna puts her fingers away and doesn't respond. But you know she will.

VIA TMZ

The elegant natural beauty known as Shauna Sand was once again out with her daughters yesterday. The work of a mother goddess is never done. Shauna took her daughters to the pumpkin patch to probably pick out sizes for their new boobs. She's a hands on kind of mother.

The Empress of Lucite glided into the pumpkin patch looking like the Virgin Mary returning to the manger. Every step Shauna took with her exquisite lucite heels, the hay burned beneath her. It couldn't handle her holiness. She had to leave after a few minutes because the pumpkins couldn't handle her raw beauty and they started shaking in her presence.

I'm sure Tori the Hutt wasn't thrilled with the Empress making an appearance at the pumpkin patch. Shauna's gorgeousness only emphasizes the fact that Tori is one homely hag! She probably killed a few pumpkin's with her fugly mug. Yes, I'm taking my hangover out on her.

Others at the only pumpkin patch in Los Angeles where celebrity whores are allowed included Tori the Hutt's creepy husband, Marcia Cross and Spider-Man.

Weeeed Eater! Weeeeed Eater ! Sorry. Seeing that sort of made me excited.

Anytrashy, Lynne Spears needs more people! First we heard that Jamie Lynn IS knocked up! Then we heard it was just Taco Bell gas and she isn't carrying! Now some bitch is saying Jamie Lynn IS pregnant, but is denying it to buy some time.

With all eyes on Brit Brit's nekkid greasy chicken bone ass lately and Jamie Lynn no longer in the spotlight for being a knocked up 16 year old, she must have gotten a little jealous and needed to steal Our Lady of Cheeto's thunder by being a knocked up 17-YEAR-OLD.

The National Enquirer claims that one of Jamie Lynn's hillbilly family members has confirmed that she went and got herself knocked up. Jamie Lynn told the family member that it's Casey Aldridge's, but we all know what happens down on the bayou. Cousins get horny, daddies gets lonely. I STILL can't believe she could let some dude squirt his baby batter all up inside her trashy hillbilly teen ass AGAIN and think that nothing would happen. Maybe Zoey 101 should have been titled Dumb Pregnant Teenage Bitch 101.

This close family member (who is probably her cousin/uncle/half-brother) goes on to say that Casey was pissed when he found out about the pregnancy through the media instead of straight out his baby mama's mouf. Well, no shit! Who could blame the fucktard for being pissed? How'd you like it if the rest of the world knew before you did that your underage concubine was pregnant with your second child and that you were too stupid to work a condom? Cue Casey saying, "Condom? Whut's thet? Ahs jest pull out befo' ahs drop!"

The family member continued to run their yap saying that, “Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy and she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. Lynne doesn’t want to talk about it publicly until they sort this out. Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet."

Lynne not wanting to talk about something publicly? Translation: Lynne is not ready to talk about it to the tabloids until the right price is met.

Here's Jamie Lynn at WaMa (aka Wal-Mart) in Mississippi yesterday. Hopefully, she's buying an economy-sized pack of condoms and Spermicide. Her "Yoga Makes Me Flexible" t-shirt says it all. That's what got her into this mess!

Ari Meyers - She played Kate's daughter, Emma, on Kate & Allie. After the show, Ari became a voice artist and worked on such prolific audio books as "The Amy Fisher Story" and "A Kitten's Tale."

Hugh Jackman (40)
Marion Jones (33)
Irina Pantaeva (36)
Kirk Cameron (38)
Martie Maguire (39)
Deborah Foreman (46)
Susan Anton (58)
Aurore Clement (63)

The basement baby's lesser known older sister has a video out for "If I Were A Boy." I know. Isn't that sweet? Basement baby's sister is trying to have a singing career. It's cute and kind of endearing.

The video is some dramatic shit. The beginning looks like a student film version of the old CK Be commercials. Edgy, edgy. The rest is Beyonce bringing out the pure emotion. About 3:30 into it, everything stops and Beyonce proves what a phenomenal actress she is in a dramatic scene between her male co-star. It's like watching two snails try to dance. You know Daddy Knowles is going to submit this shit for Oscar consideration.

YouTube has been pulling this shit like mad and throwing it in the basement with Solange, so click here if the video above doesn't work.

We already know that the Empress of Lucite is one of the most elegant and gorgeous creatures in the universe. We are well aware that her sophisticated and luxurious fashion sense rivals Coco Chanel. And it goes without saying that her exquisite lucite heels makes Swarovski products look like disposable GladWare containers. We know all these things, but sometimes we forget that Shauna Sand is an adoring mother. We forget this because Shauna isn't flaunting the fact that she's a mother goddess on the cover of W Magazine. She's demure and keeps some things sacred. A true inspiration to all mothers.

Below is the mother of the century taking her children to a medical center in Beverly Hills for their first boob jobs. She always wants the best for them. I'm kidding about the boob job part..... I think.

Did you hear a loud boom yesterday? No, it wasn't your drunk roommate falling in the tub again. It was Lisa Marie Presley pushing out her twin girls. FINALLY! She was the size of one of Aretha Franklin's mega chichi balls. That's a whole lot of woman. And she looked like she was ready to bite off her husband's head at any moment. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing considering all the stupid fucking hats he wears.

According to Star Magazine, Elvis' 40-year-old daughter gave birth to twin girls at Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA yesterday. Her two other children, Riley and Ben, were there for the birth of their new sisters. LM's husband, Michael Lockwood, was by her side the whole time. Ugh. Didn't that make her sicker?! I'm sure he was wearing one of his stupid ensembles. He's always looking like the short bus version of Tom Petty. I guess that didn't bother LM since she managed to give birth without any problems.

A source said, “Lisa Marie is mom to four now! She’s feeling good, a little tired too. She is so happy and Michael is ecstatic. He’s wanted to be a dad for so long. This is his dream come true. There was no drama. The babies are healthy and beautiful. Ben was seen pushing them down the hall in their cart and cooing to them"

The source didn't say what the twins' names are. What good is this source?! That's all that matters. Lisa Marie should name her twin girls after her lovely mother Priscilla. She can name one Restylane and the other Botox!

Ramma Damma - The 65-year-old German pop star who married a pineapple 38 years ago. LSD is a hell of a drug.

Ramma (real name: Ulli Hopper) said he decided one day to marry a fruit. Instead of calling up Elton John, he bought one of the most expensive pineapples, named her Tippi and then drove her across the Scottish border where they were married.

Ramma said, "I loved her. I wanted to marry her. We stayed in Gretna Green Hall Hotel and we were married by a craftsman wearing a kilt. We enjoyed meals out. We would go to restaurants and she would enjoy a glass of water over dinner. Tippi loved to go to the movies – especially ones about earthquakes – and she would sit on my lap when she got scared."

Tippi has since rotted away, but Ramma keeps her spirit alive by running the only plant sanctuary in Germany.

You're probably wondering what I'm wondering. Did he ever do sex to that pineapple?! Did he ever consummate their marriage? Did he ever stick his peen into that pineapple and make pina coladas?! You know he did.

Source